Tuesday, August 18, 2009


i was talking to some random bitch about my blog and she asked if it was a foodie/restaurant/recipe kind of thing. and, after looking at her like she was from mars, i haughtily said, "NO, lover. i write about dudes and shit." she returned the look, and the haught, and replied, "oh that's weird. why is it called 'bitches gotta eat, then?' i mean, if it isn't about food? why would you call it that?" i guess because i'm a dummy who thinks "bitches gotta eat" is all witty and clever and hilarious on its own. it scarcely crossed my mind that people might tune in hoping to find something delicious other than my scathing wit and sarcasm. i guess i figured that if you know me, you know how a bitch gets down in the kitchen. or a dining room. or in a restaurant. or in my pajamas in bed. i fear no calorie.

i also happen to be pretty badass when wielding a pot and pan, and not just during violent outbursts. it's not a misconception that fat people like to eat. you don't gain weight because celery and bran are so fucking tasty. nor do you pack on pounds because you love to run so fucking much. fat people cook and/or eat. A GODDAMNED LOT. at the moment i'm trying to work on being less fat, because my doctor would shut the fuck up and i'm sick of my thigh-teeth ruining pair after pair of expensive jeans. i am rarely ashamed, but sometimes being voluptuous has its drawbacks. just sayin'. i'm afraid getting into my issues of self-loathing might put you off your dinner, and who the fuck needs that? besides, there's plenty of time for that later.

i have three superstar go-to dishes in my repertoire: chicken curry, macaroni and cheese, and penne arrabiatta. there are a million others, but these are the three whose recipes i can recite in my sleep. i'm not going to fuck around and lie and say that i make all of my meals from scratch all the time. i eat a lot of fucking lean cuisines and mcdonalds. but when i need to cook (or, more likely, when i have someone sexy to cook for) i absolutely CAN. i make chicken curry for every dude i'm about to have sex with. or have recently had sex with. and it knocks them dead every single time. it, unfortunately, does NOT make them wonderfully loving boyfriends who happen to stick around being perfect all the time, marrying me and financially supporting my gorgeousness, but that's quite an awful lot to ask from one little bowl of chicken, isn't it?

i have to get a few things out of the way before i start divulging my sexy kitchen secrets:

1 i am not a fucking chemist. so no fat grams or calorie counts. because that dumb shit is for jerks. you know if something you're eating is fattening or not. if i tell you i use four sticks of butter or eight cups of heavy cream in something, you know good and well that shit is not "diet." on the other hand, if i use pam and there's no animal fat or sugar or lard or butter or cheese or anything else creamy and delicious, eat your heart out. or eat until you puke. whichever it is, i'm into it.

2 i'm broke, but i don't buy cheap shit. so if you buy cheap shit, i can't guarantee your dish will be as tasty as mine. i understand that the economy is bullshit, and i am constantly paying rent/phone/bills/tuition/books/tacos/beer but EVEN I don't buy shitty cheese. so you shouldn't either. most nights i eat chips and salsa for dinner. or diet coke and a cupcake. or linguine sprinkled with olive oil and garlic and tossed with half a cup of frozen peas. really, whatever i have lying around. but if i'm going to actually cook i go all the fucking way. that said, i just bought a giant tub of cinnamon from the mexican market for thirty-five cents. i mean not really, but it was close. you just have to know where to scrimp.

3 finally, i'm not taking pictures of a damn thing. i ain't got no digital camera, and my food looks just like yours. LIKE SHIT. delicious shit, but shit nonetheless. let's just be honest with ourselves here, famous chefs with glossy cookbooks have teams of people to make sure that food looks a way you will never be able to achieve in your raggedy apartment kitchen. chopping and basting and roasting and mixing shit is messy. and tiresome. and the more difficult the dish, the more likely it is that you end up flopping on the bed, SWEATING, with a big bowl of whatever it is you just made while wearing the gross ass clothes you wear to clean the bathroom. and on the off chance something i make looks glorious, i am not in the business of pissing on people's self-esteem.

4 one more thing. i will write recipes the way i ACTUALLY make them, using realistic words and amounts. i mean, come ON. alright, already. all of my ex-boyfriends' favorite chicken curry.

you will need: 1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken thighs, 3-4 medium zucchini, a small sweet onion, a handful of almonds (sliced or chopped; i buy the nice blanched ones in the baking aisle), a can of chicken broth, a quart of heavy cream, olive oil, cinnamon, curry powder, salt+pepper, fresh basil, and rice, for serving.
1 cut the chicken into chunks. put the chunks in a big bowl and sprinkle liberally with both cinnamon and curry powder. they should look like they've been rolled in dirt. set aside.

2 slice the zucchini, not too thick, not too thin. dice the onion. or buy a container of already-chopped onion like my lazy ass. fuck chopping onions. z+o in a deep pan with a lid (i use a wok pan with a clear domed lid), drizzle with oil and sweat the onions and soften the zucchini for a few minutes. no more than eight, you don't want limp zucchini. stir while it's cooking so you don't fuck up the onions. sweaty, not burnt to hell.

3 dump the z+o into their own big bowl and set aside; pour some more oil in the pan (a tablespoon or two maybe? don't scorch your pan!) and dump in the chicken. it's hard to really tell when the chicken is cooked through, because the coating is brown and the chicken is brown..., but it usually takes just a few minutes. the chicken gets bouncier and less squidgy the more it's cooked. i usually take a fat piece and cut it open on the counter and judge the doneness on that.

4 dump the zucchini and onions into the pan with the cooked chicken. now here comes the part where people who need exact measurements are going to have a heart attack. i pour in a quarter to a half of the can of chicken broth, just so things get a little floaty, and then i add enough cream so that it almost reaches the top of the pan. i prefer more cream than broth, but you can play with the ratio as you see fit. ultimately, you want the chicken and vegetables floating in a pale yellow liquid. i've made it more broth-y, but prefer it more cream-y. whatever tickles your fancy. bring to a boil (sometimes i'll add a bit more curry powder while it boils), lessen the heat, then simmer until it reduces a touch. season with salt and pepper to your taste, then sprinkle a little dried basil on it. dump in a bunch of almonds (seriously, i put in a cup or two; i like this shit CRUNCHY) and then you're done.

boner appetit.