for those of you who missed the november sunday night sex show, and there were a whole fucking lot of you, ahem, this is the glorious poem i wrote and read. and it's lame that you have to imagine my dulcet tones caressing your little eardrums with my words, but it's your own fault. you should have come. i always do. twice.
1 the oldest dude i've ever fucked
had the oldest balls i've ever sucked
they had some gray hairs, which was sort of a drag
and they were all loose and wrinkled like an old dominick's bag.
2 i was used to young scrotums
all buttery soft leather
not vintage steamer trunks
that had seen decades of bad weather.
3 how does one approach sex with an old dude?
my mama always taught me to never be rude
i would HATE to fuck it up and have somebody tell her
that i had sexually disrespected my elder.
4 i didn't think middle age would be a big problem
but these balls were fifty years old when i saw them!
his tongue did nice work and his fingers did please
but the back of his balls touched the front of his knees.
5 now don't get me wrong, homeboy was smokin'
when he told me his age, i though he was jokin'
his handsome face and crisp suit got my fires stokin'
until finally i caved and gave in to some strokin'.
6 he paid for my dinner, which i thought was so sweet
but appropriate considering i'd had to cut up his meat
i had the chicken and the apples with streusel
he had mashed potatoes with a side of metamucil.
7 i talked about music and movies, what a bore!
because HE wanted to talk stock markets and high credit scores,
about investments and holdings and getting in on the ground floor
while i imagined his dick size because i'm such a huge whore.
8 the world is a magica, glorious place
from inside of a buick in the handicapped space
it's just like a spaceship, without all the lights
a spaceship that doesn't go out late at night.
9 i could learn to like turnips
i would learn to love beets
i would wear sensible cardigans
just to get in his sheets.
10 lights on or lights off?
all those sexy decisions
i had condoms and lube
but what other provisions?!
11 aspirin? check. icy hot? check.
we could take it slow if his heart was bad
but where would i find a fucking oxygen tank?
and commercially available defibrillator pads?!
12 no need to worry, the dick was just fine
the motion of his ocean had withstood the test of time
he got me off twice and then fetched refreshments
before teaching me about property tax reassessment.
13 there is only so long may-december can last
i got sick and tired of reliving his past
and sucking those old balls started to make me feel dirty
because when i was born this motherfucker was THIRTY.
14 he was sad that i ended it, all moping doom and gloom
but i couldn't handle eating dinner at four in the afternoon
he threatened to go all psycho crazy killer stalker
but that's not so scary when you're pushing a walker.
15 i missed him at first
i liked all the attention
but it made me feel guilty
to spend all his pension.
16 i like rock and rap music
and can't while away my days
listening to smooth jazz
and frankie beverly with maze.
17 i never could really relax during sex
visions of heart attacks and strokes danced through my head
terrified with every HUFF and PUFF
that this motherfucker would die in my bed.
18 it was fun while it lasted, but it's good that it's done
leaving behind only a slight tarnish on my purity
that was the first time, but probably not the last
that i'll suck some balls getting social security.