Friday, January 29, 2010

bitches get old.

in two weeks i will be thirty. and i am totally goddamned excited. would you like to know why? okay then, i will tell you.

i am excited because i am thirty years old and i don't have a man in my life, i haven't had any children, i haven't finished college, i don't have any major accomplishments of note, i don't own any property, i have a "job" and not a "career," i am incapable of going grocery shopping (in my refrigerator: campari, club soda, orange juice, and high life that i can't drink), i haven't paid my electric bill in the last three months (whoops), i have a broken foot that won't heal, i'm not that smart, i have squamous metaplasia (also known as CANCER) in my ileum, i can't see shit, the radiator in my bathroom is broken but i haven't called my landlord because i need to take the garbage out first (and pick up all of the dirty panties piled next to the toilet), i still don't know how to work my fucking phone.

i can't make pancakes, i busted my laptop and can't afford a new one right now, my novel is finished but unedited and unpublished because i busted my laptop and can't afford a new one right now, i don't have cable, the pants i'm wearing right this second have a hole in le snatch, my stomach hurts ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME and these drugs are making me too sick to properly function, i have to be a vegetarian now but i keep sneaking chicken, i can't hear either, sometimes i'm just not that nice, i laugh at a lot of stupid shit, i have to wear a diaper sometimes at night when my crohn's is acting like a bitch, i haven't voted since 2001, my hair is totally crazy, i am into way too much age-inappropriate music, it is impossible for me to listen to my voicemails, i snore, i can't do sudoku, my nails are too long for my liking right now, i have an attitude, my neck hurts, i have weird patches of hair in unexpected places, i have a horrible sweet tooth.

i should fucking work out, i can't work out because my achilles and broken foot are RUINED, i am irritated 99.8% of the time, i hate everything, i loathe everyone, i sleep in a full sized bed, i don't know how to fucking alphabetize hyphenated last names, i am CONSTANTLY seething with jealous rage, i talk a lot of shit, i fight to the death, the smell of christmas trees makes me sick, i can't stay awake in a movie theater, i am a cat person (sad), i'm ridiculously tormented and moody, i can't have multiple orgasms, i would eat toaster struedel every day if i could, dudes don't promptly return my phone calls, i can't stand alicia keys, i have vomited on the train three times in the last eight months, and i fell asleep in a bar two weeks ago.

AWESOME.

i need a therapist and i need a nutritionist. i need someone to style my outfits, i need a tall person to come over and change my lightbulbs, i need a cook and i need a maid. i need to go to the dentist and the gynecologist, i need to pay the podiatrist, i need to look into retaining an acupuncturist, i need to save up to go to a hypnotist. i need a financial advisor, i need a tax attorney, i need a car so i can go to more shit, i need a person to dig said car out of the snow in the winter and find me a parking space every night within ten blocks of my goddamned apartment because i have to live in rogers park where the rent is cheap and i can still get away with waking up forty minutes before i need to have my ass at work.

i need more people to describe me as "the funniest asshole they know." i need some fucking PARENTS. and maybe even some godparents. i need a brand new macpro with endless gigs of ram. i need a lint roller that actually works, OR i need a hairless fucking cat. i need helen to stop sneezing on my clothes in unsuspecting places only for me to discover a dried glob of snot halfway through the day. i need some more friends. i need a fucking loan. i need braces, i need a massage, i need a pedicure. i need $465 to give to mel so he will stop calling me every single day.

i need some hot dudes around who want to get half-naked with me (i like to remain semi-clothed during sex), i need some ugly dudes around to make me feel good about myself, i need some smart dudes around to help me cheat the government and take over the planet, i need some muscle-y dudes around to carry my shit for me, i need some angry dudes around to beat bitches up when they fuck with me, i need some literate dudes around to do my homework, i need some girly dudes around to keep my eyebrow game on point, i need some salty dudes around to talk shit and giggle with me, and i need some sweet dudes around to keep me from killing all of the other types of dudes.

i need to find a pharmacist who will exchange medication for blow jobs. i need to have the ability to kill someone with a look. i need to get a bike. i need a comcast hookup. i need some manners. i need patience. i need a more effective approach to homework. i need a bottle of maalox. i need a couple cocktails. i need an eye exam. i need a new gastrointestinal tract. i need to meet quentin tarantino. i need for someone to fall desperately in love with me. i also might need a sedative.

AMAZING.

i want a piano, because i have played since i was four and it just doesn't feel the same on the keyboard i keep tucked away in the closet. i want to go swimming. i want to eat pizza without puking. i want a pet lion. i want a magic wand. i want to be able to murder in cold blood and not go to jail.

i want a flat screen television. i want a couch on which to sit and gaze at that flat screen television. i want to learn how to dance for real. i want to do a one-woman show. i want to speak italian. i want some comfortable shoes. i want 500 bitches to read my blog every day. i want to learn how to sew so i can try out for project runway. i want a harem of asian-looking black dudes, or black-looking asian dudes. i want medical marijuana for this raggedy belly (but only if it won't give me the munchies, because i can't eat shit anymore). i want to ride a camel to the club, and valet that shit. i want ten tubes of mac's spring bean lustreglass. i want cuter stores in my neighborhood. i want the new peaches record. i want to see muse in concert.

i want to get over all my old manfriends alfuckingready. that said, i want dudes to DROP DEAD the second they hurt my tender little feelings. i want more time to read. i want people to stop leaving me facebook presents. i want some mixtapes from dudes who have hot crushes on me. i want the keys to the kingdom. i want a winning lottery ticket. i want some fannie may eggnog creams. i want a dilauded drip next to my bed. i want a leopard print snuggie. i want jeff buckley to rise from the dead. i want to get more of my drinks paid for. i want to live with nina in san diego and eat hot carrots and rolled tacos every day. i want fresh flowers delivered to me every day. i want to sleep 18 hours a day, and dance to la roux for the other 6. i want a winning lottery ticket.

let the countdown begin. february 13. it's on.