Wednesday, April 7, 2010

fighting words.

this is not hilarious, and it's not about my vagina. so i understand if you stop reading right here and go check perez hilton or whatever it is you do while you're supposed to be working.

sometimes i'm a self-righteous asshole. i probably don't need to remind you bitches of that no shit sherlock little fact. if you've read more than one of these little rantings against men specifically and the universe in general, it should come as no surprise to you that i am sometimes arrogant and moreofthetime really mean. i can assure you that it is because i loathe myself, not because i have some sort of magic mirror that let's me see into your life so i can poke specific fun at it. but if you insist on writing me hate mail, i ask that you please do so in the least pantywaisted possible way. please write it from a real email address and please include your government name, so that i may respond properly to you and we can have a conversation like adults.

it's okay if you think my dead mother is a dirty whore who got what was coming to her, just provide me with the evidence you have that supports that assertion. my father, too, although i believe "worthless asshole" took the place of "dirty whore." and i'm willing to concede that that's possible. plausible even.he was probably not worth much and probably an asshole. you know what? he never did get me that pony i wanted, so i'm on your team now. what a fucking asshole! crohn's isn't deadly, but it sure is painful, so your hope that it ends my life might be in vain. BUT, i just talked to the doctor a minute ago about my bloodwork and he confirmed that i am pretty much going to feel like absolute shit for the rest of my life, so inevitably i will grant your wish for you and lie down on the expressway or something.

and these things i already know: i'm not as funny or as smart as i think i am (this is probably true), my taste in music is bullshit (wrong), my mother should have aborted me (agreed), god hates me and killed my parents (agreed, except i believe not in the heavenly host),  i have no respect for my superiors (this was from a dude, so i suspect he means men, and to that i say "CORRECT!"), i am ugly (i have a mirror, i get it), and i am going to DIE ALONE. now i'm no psychic, but he's probably right about that, too. and no, i'm not an angry lesbian. but i know some.

here's the thing about what i do: you have to COME HERE to READ IT. it is a choice YOU MAKE. so if you disagree with something i've said and can't figure out a grown-up way to handle your disagreement, you can go FUCK YOURSELF. i mean, seriously. i'm not on the news. my shit isn't on the front of the newspaper. i'm not plastered across a billboard. get the fuck off my goddamned blog. you know, the blog that YOU clicked on. if you don't like it, don't read it. and i am open to debates of every variety, but i don't fight yellow motherfuckers who read some shit i wrote about health care and decide to lose their minds at 3 am on the internet. send me your phone number if you'd like to say something to me.

let's bring this fight out in the daylight.

that's right, STOP HIDING. because i don't post this shit under a pseudonym. that is my real (ugly) face that accompanies my "about me" information. so get your fucking balls out and stop being a fucking BITCH. let's do this! you come to me, like a big boy, with your tail out and your head high, and i will listen to you explain why your cruel, vengeful god has cursed me with this awful disease. my insolence is to blame, of course, but i want YOU to tell me. and i could call you a jelly sandwich-eating trailer park piece of shit. i could FILL the internet with (probably not) false accusations about your parents being brother and sister and the terabyte of child pornography hanging out on your hard drive. but i won't here. i'll wait until our first date.

and i may hang out with "faggots and losers and whores," but at least i'm not hooked on cactus dust, methamphetamines, possum meat, chewing tobacco, and mountain dew.


and when i am engaged in battle, i prefer to do so with gentlemen like the handsome devil to your immediate left. when i say that i am a nerd, THAT IS NOT A JOKE. i kicked that robot's tiny ass.