Monday, June 7, 2010

my first year.

last week was my blogbaby's 1st birthday, and because i am a horrible piece of garbage i TOTALLY FUCKING FORGOT. what a piece of shit, right? heaven help any real children i might have. pffft. let's hope the television set whose name i write on the birth certificate is better capable to raise our child.

during this year i:

ate a lot of tacos, was drunk more than i was sober, had sex with a couple of losers, wrote about some dumb shit, had surgery on my asshole, vomited in public more than twice, dropped a lot of knowledge, chopped up some heavy game, talked too much about helen keller, cleaned my apartment not enough, became an overnight sensation and a heartthrob to teenage girls nationwide, ran into a lot of stupid bitches that i hate, kicked some bitches out of my life, started working on my novel again, fought this losing battle with the monster that is crohn's and peripheral arthritis, spent SO MUCH MONEY on SO MUCH GARBAGE, took thousands of pills, went to the hospital a handful of times, purchased and listened to so much ridiculously amazing music, answered the dumbest questions on earth, made so many new "friends" i can hardly believe it, had crushes on too many impossible, unworthy dudes, and wrote THE MOST HILARIOUS AND AMAZING BLOG IN THE HISTORY OF TIME.

in other words, i was as stupid as i've always been. except it's now documented across the interwebs. and this time i've somehow managed to trick a lot of suckers (oh no, not YOU) into thinking i'm funny and awesome and convinced them (again, NOT YOU) that this bullshit i write is worth reading. and i appreciate that you do. for cereal. the ten minutes you spend a couple times a week surface skimming this idiocy could be better spent jerking off or taking a shit, yet you choose to spend it with me. (maybe WHILE jerking off and taking a shit?) and i love you for it. with my whole heart.
SO. birthdays are cause for celebration, aren't they? and you know how your girl likes to get down. so i am throwing a last-minute birthday party for this hot little bitch. two weeks from saturday, june 26th. 10ish. at easy bar on division at damen, the gorgeous establishment pictured here, because we like to go there and get FUCKED UP. you don't have to get all fancied up (i'm so damn lazy) and the jukebox is as good as jukeboxes can be. plus, those bartenders know how to make a fucking drink. that place is my JAM.
who's invited? well you are, of course! and so are all of your friends. whether you know me in real life or not, you should TOTALLY BRING YOUR FUCKING ASS. especially since you know how much i hate buying my own drinks. let's party, loverfaces. if you know me, you have no excuse not to show up and i refuse to beg and plead with you. strangers, now is your opportunity to get to know this bitch in the flesh. that secret crush you've been harboring? come out and tell me about in person? want to hear how stupid my voice is? or hear one of the endless supply of dumb jokes i'm constantly telling? or see how nicely my boobs fall out of my shirt? well this is your opportunity. i'm not reading, i'm just drinking. and so are all of my asshole friends. so if you want to get a lapdance from ginger or stroke sarah's long, gorgeous hair or be on the receiving end of seven hundred disapproving looks from mean-ass laura, NOW YOU CAN.

no presents required. just bring your liver and a credit card.


happy birthday, bge. and many, many more. at least until i'm so mad and boring that you kids stop giving a shit. or i run out of dudes to have mindsex with. lurve.