Thursday, July 22, 2010

potty mouth.

my sincerest apologies for having been away for so long, but i was TRYING NOT TO DIE. (i have a penchant for melodrama, especially when i am not feeling well. forgive me, i still have scrambled egg hospital brains.) HOLY FUCKING SHIT, crohn's. why you gotta do your girl like that? what have i ever done to YOU?!

the internet is going to teach the class today, because i'm goddamned tired. i spent five days on my back in the least sexy way imaginable, hooked up to monitors and machines with tubes going every which way, at the mercy of a huge group of very nice people who seemed to never really understand that forty-five minutes is not a very long time to let a bitch "sleep." now i pieced this together from a bunch of sites and edited out the boring parts so i wouldn't feel like a total jagoff, and you already know how i have to add my commentary to EVERYTHING. so maybe you will laugh. and understand a little bit. this business is BRUTAL.

here's what worked: i lost ten pounds in five days without setting foot on a treadmill, 24 hour maid and ice chip delivery service, intravenous narcotics (yummy), central air, free on demand movies, being wheeled around the hospital 1 in a BED and 2 with a HOT CHAUFFEUR, bags and bags of sodium chloride dripping into my arm and making my skin glow, all of my friends who called and visited, watching tyra's dumb ass show, seeing my hot doctor every day.

and what didn't: being seen by said hot doctor in progressively gross condition, "bathing" with "fecal dissolving foam," not having all of the fancy shit i need, getting woken up and stuck with needles every five minutes before i could even register what was happening, flashing the xray dude, TWICE, being disconnected from the universe, the $976,458,987,329 bill united healthcare is currently processing on my behalf, smelling weird, figuring out how to get helen taken care of, a diet consisting solely of vegetable broth and apple juice after three days of not even being allowed WATER, constantly inadvertently shutting off my IV, missing helen, talking for half and hour with a nutritionist about corn pasta, and DIAPERS.


Crohn's Disease is a form of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). It usually affects the intestines, but may occur anywhere from the mouth to the end of the rectum (anus).

my crohn's is located in my duodenum and the upper part of the ileum. consult the chart!

Signs and symptoms of Crohn's disease can range from mild to severe and may develop gradually or come on suddenly, without warning. You may also have periods of time when you have no signs or symptoms (remission). When the disease is active, signs and symptoms may include:

Diarrhea. The inflammation that occurs in Crohn's disease causes cells in the affected areas of your intestine to secrete large amounts of water and salt. Because the colon can't completely absorb this excess fluid, you develop diarrhea. Intensified intestinal cramping also can contribute to loose stools. Diarrhea is the most common problem for people with Crohn's.

good lord. i throw a fucking PARTY if i can go to the bathroom and produce a stool thicker or more formed than an a bowl of instant oatmeal. it's not always a burning, churning, desperate affair, but imagine how much life sucks when you have unpredictable diarrhea ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME. let's just say that in general, i'm not very oh, i dunno...SPONTANEOUS. i have to plan my drugs and meals and shits around everything else i want to ever do, and i bet you can guess how much fun THAT is.

"if i take my pills at noon, eat some ground turkey and rice at one, i should be able to crap it out and make it to that party by ten." squee! sounds awesome, i know. especially since my guts don't often get the memo. so i'll skip the pill part or the food part and fuck everything up, then end up trying not to shit down the back of my party pants over a toilet covered in vomit in some silly disco. OR i flake out and sit miserably at home feeling like a loser because i have to stay in bed and babysit my intestines. bratty intestines that REFUSE to behave. or go to bed on time.


Abdominal pain and cramping.
Inflammation and ulceration may cause the walls of portions of your bowel to swell and eventually thicken with scar tissue. This affects the normal movement of contents through your digestive tract and may lead to pain and cramping. Mild Crohn's disease usually causes slight to moderate intestinal discomfort, but in more-serious cases, the pain may be severe and include nausea and vomiting.

"intestinal discomfort" might be a little bit of an understatement, professor internet. the diameter of the space that my food has to pass through is pretty much that of your average drinking straw. i will give you a second to imagine a cheeseburger shoving its way through, and another to imagine what that feels like. i eat slower than your fucking grandmother. just ask rachel, who MARVELS at the length of time it takes me to get through a meal. i am not kidding. that bitch will be onto her second post-meal drink by the time i'm halfway through. helen takes bigger bites than i do, shit. and that goes for everything. rice, crackers, cereal, whatever. i can feel it trying to force its way through, inch by inch, until the very last second, when it picks up speed and hurtles toward the finish line, coming out looking almost exactly the same as it did going in.

Blood in your stool. Food moving through your digestive tract may cause inflamed tissue to bleed, or your bowel may also bleed on its own. You might notice bright red blood in the toilet bowl or darker blood mixed with your stool. You can also have bleeding you don't see (occult blood).

Ulcers. Crohn's disease can cause small sores on the surface of the intestine that eventually become large ulcers that penetrate deep into — and sometimes through — the intestinal walls. You may also have ulcers in your mouth similar to canker sores.

thankfully, no fucking MOUTH SORES. barf.

Reduced appetite and weight loss. Abdominal pain and cramping and the inflammatory reaction in the wall of your bowel can affect both your appetite and your ability to digest and absorb food.

still waiting on this weight loss part. seriously.

Other signs and symptoms.
People with severe Crohn's disease may also experience:
constipation, eye inflammation, fistulas, joint pain, liver inflammation, mouth ulcers, rectal bleeding and bloody stools, skin rash, swollen gums, fever, fatigue.

that joint pain is nothing to play with. sometimes it takes a good fifteen seconds to go from sitting to walking, and if that doesn't sound like an excruciatingly embarassing length of time, please sit down, get up, and wait fifteen seconds before taking two steps. preferably while someone is watching you. or waiting for you. now shut up.

when my disease isn't active my joints are fine. no hobbling around or walking five steps behind whomever i happen to be with. that's one of the things that sucks the hardest about the crohn's, is that knowledge that if you could just convince this bitch to go the fuck into remission already you could live a relatively normal life. i wouldn't give a fuck about taking twenty pills a day (FOR SERIOUS) and measuring my food and abstaining from alcohol (sob!) if i could set my goddamned hand brace on fire. remission is like the pot of gold at the end of the shitbow; like oz, and all i have to do is follow the brown brick road to get there.


Causes.
While the exact cause of Crohn's disease is unknown, the condition is linked to a problem with the body's immune system response. Normally, the immune system helps protect the body, but with Crohn's disease the immune system can't tell the difference between normal body tissue and foreign substances. The result is an overactive immune response that leads to chronic inflammation. This is called an autoimmune disorder. People with Crohn's disease have ongoing (chronic) inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract. Crohn's disease may occur in any area of the digestive tract. There can be healthy patches of tissue between diseased areas. The ongoing inflammation causes the intestinal wall to become thick. The disease may occur at any age, but it usually occurs in people between ages 15 - 35. Risk factors include:

Family history of Crohn's disease.

no.

Jewish ancestry.


as much as i love a good, lean brisket...sadly, no.

Smoking.

now THIS is the shit they need to put on the side of a pack of cigarettes, my bloody asshole ripped in half and oozing pungent black death onto a hospital bed. i don't give a shit about people who smoke unless they're doing it around me, go ahead and die if you like, just do so quietly, but fuck all the idealistic young kids petitioning outside big tobacco in those truth commercials. you want to keep a bitch from smoking? let her accompany me to get my entrails pulled out and sorted through then shoved back into my body.

i don't give anyone unsolicited advice, because fuck y'all, but just know that i will laugh my balls off if you develop this hateful shit because you couldn't fucking give up newports. you think cigarettes are expensive? my drugs are in the triple digits, EVERY MONTH. i'm talking car note money. that's why my bitch ass is always on the goddamned dirty-ass train, because there's $400 swimming through my bloodstream instead of driving my ass to work. if anyone ever snatched my bag i'd cry a thousand tears, not for my stupid IDs and various overused cards, but one for every overpriced pill the thief got away with. you should see me when i clumsily drop a pill on the floor. i will contort my body in 20 different ways to rescue my medicine from whatever dark corner it rolled into. i dropped a pentasa on the kitchen floor this morning and damn near kicked helen's head off her neck to prevent her from absconding with it. that bitch ain't got no bank account.

Testing.
Blood tests. Your doctor may suggest blood tests to check for anemia — a condition in which there aren't enough red blood cells to carry adequate oxygen to your tissues — or to check for signs of infection. Two tests that look for the presence of certain antibodies can sometimes help diagnose which type of inflammatory bowel disease you have, but not everyone with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis has these antibodies. While your doctor may order these tests, a positive finding doesn't mean you have Crohn's disease and a negative finding doesn't mean that you're free of the disease.

five years ago, when this whole saga began, my blood tests didn't come back with anything conclusive. as a matter of fact, after years and years and a battery of tests and hospitalizations, i still only have what is referred to as an "indirect diagnosis." the disease is in such an awkward part of my belly (not reachable with a scope via either mouth OR anus, and believe me WE'VE TRIED) that my hot doctor inferred from the cumulative findings of all of those tests 1 that i have crohn's and 2 where it is located. the only way to really know would be to slice my guts open, and to hell with that shit. i'd never be able to convince a hot dude that it wasn't a c-section scar without extensively detailing my ailments, and you hoes know i only drop the "i shit wrong" bomb once i'm convinced a fella is in love with me and would murder his entire family at my passing suggestion.

Fecal occult blood test (FOBT). You may need to provide a stool sample so that your doctor can test for blood in your stool.

in the hospital a few years ago, the PCT came in to say good morning and take my vitals, then she put a "hat" in the toilet and said, "whenever you're ready..." and nodded toward the bathroom, leaving me blinking in dazed confusion after she'd gone. at that point i was on a semi-liquid diet, enough to produce stool, and enough colace to kill a small horse. so when the poop came knocking at my back door, i figured out that i was supposed to shit into this bowl contraption that hovered over the toilet water, then use the attached scoop and container to "provide a sample."

not only did i have to dip a little spoon into that warm shit pudding a million times to fill the container, i had to do so while naked from the waist down with mud butt and dingleberries, all while trying not to vomit because the SMELL OF ADULT HUMAN FECES ALL UP IN YOUR FACE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. even when it's your own. then i was all embarrassed at the thought of some stranger cleaning out my shit pot that i got in the shower and washed it. that's right, i took a shower in my own diarrhea. jealous yet?


Colonoscopy. This test allows your doctor to view your entire colon using a thin, flexible, lighted tube with an attached camera. During the procedure, your doctor can also take small samples of tissue (biopsy) for laboratory analysis, which may help confirm a diagnosis. Some people have clusters of inflammatory cells called granulomas, which help confirm the diagnosis of Crohn's disease because granulomas don't occur with ulcerative colitis. In the majority of people with Crohn's, granulomas aren't present and diagnosis is made through biopsy and the location of the disease. Risks of colonoscopy include perforation of the colon wall and bleeding.

my favorite. OBVIOUSLY.

Flexible sigmoidoscopy. In this procedure, your doctor uses a slender, flexible, lighted tube to examine the sigmoid, the last section of your colon.

Barium enema. This diagnostic test allows your doctor to evaluate your large intestine with an X-ray. Before the test, your receive an enema with a contrast dye containing barium. Sometimes, air also is added. The barium dye coats the lining of the bowel, creating a silhouette of your rectum, colon and a portion of your small intestine that's visible on an X-ray.

(see below)

Small bowel imaging. This test looks at the part of the small bowel that can't be seen by colonoscopy. After you drink a solution containing barium, X-ray, CT or MRI images are taken of your small intestine. The test can help locate areas of narrowing or inflammation in the small bowel that are seen in Crohn's disease. The test can also help your doctor determine which type of inflammatory bowel disease you have.

these two were fucking HORRIFIC. that barium is like the ejaculate of satan, i swear to god. and they make you drink GALLONS of that shit. it takes like hot vomit and makes you gag and when it comes out of your butt it looks like white-out. and leaves chalk marks in your underpants. the worst.

Computerized tomography (CT). Sometimes you may have a CT scan, a special X-ray technique that provides more detail than a standard X-ray does. This test looks at the entire bowel as well as at tissues outside the bowel that can't be seen with other tests. Your doctor may order this scan to better understand the location and extent of your disease or to check for complications such as a partial blockages, abscesses or fistulas. Although not invasive, a CT scan exposes you to more radiation than a conventional X-ray does.

i have had SEVEN of these goddamned things. SEVEN. which means i have almost reached my lifetime limit for radiation exposure. and I AM THIRTY YEARS OLD. and the solution you have to drink beforehand tastes and smells like urine. cute.

Capsule endoscopy.
If you have signs and symptoms that suggest Crohn's disease but other diagnostic tests are negative, your doctor may perform capsule endoscopy. For this test you swallow a capsule that has a camera in it. The camera takes pictures, which are transmitted to a computer that you wear on your belt. The images are then downloaded, displayed on a monitor and checked for signs of Crohn's disease. Once it's made the trip through your digestive system, the camera exits your body painlessly in your stool. Capsule endoscopy is generally very safe, but if you have a partial blockage in the bowel, there's a slight chance the capsule may become lodged in your intestine.

now this one was big fun. the capsule was the size of my goddamned thumb, and i almost choked on that shit three times before i could get it down. and i'm a bitch with a helluva gag reflex. the belt weighed twenty fucking pounds and was awkward and unwieldy, and i couldn't find the camera when i was supposed to have. i spent two days poking at my stools looking for a rapidly blinking white light, convinced that it was stuck in my narrow intestine somewhere. finally the doctor called and said he'd seen the picture of it exiting my rear end (sexy!) and i moved on to worrying about something more pressing. like what i was going to watch on tv.

Treatments and Drugs.
Anti-inflammatory drugs.
Anti-inflammatory drugs are often the first step in the treatment of inflammatory bowel disease. They include:

Sulfasalazine (Azulfidine).
Although this drug isn't always effective for treating Crohn's disease, it may be of some help for treating disease involving the colon. It has a number of side effects, including nausea, vomiting, heartburn and headache. Don't take this medication if you're allergic to sulfa medications.

Mesalamine (Asacol, Rowasa).
This medication tends to have fewer side effects than sulfasalazine has, but may cause nausea, vomiting, heartburn, diarrhea and headache. You take it in tablet form or use it rectally in the form of an enema or suppository, depending on which part of your colon is affected. This medication is generally ineffective for disease involving the small intestine.

the maintenance drug i take four times a day is called pentasa, gigantic turquoise horse pills (if you know me in real life then you know what pills i'm talking about) that cost more than all of the shoes in your closet. they are filled with tiny little beads that make them sound like mini maracas, and they remain intact until they get to my colon, where they explode and shoot the little inner beads up through my intestines to accompany my dumps as they make their way to the toilet. they're like shit chaperones. the most expensive babysitters on the goddamned planet. don't i know any scientists who can make some shit at home for me? FUCK, MAN. i could own property with the money i spend on this garbage. PLUS they make my poops look like they're full of birdseed, and that's fucking gross.

Corticosteroids. Corticosteroids can help reduce inflammation anywhere in your body, but they have numerous side effects, including a puffy face, excessive facial hair, night sweats, insomnia and hyperactivity. More serious side effects include high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, bone fractures, cataracts and an increased susceptibility to infections. Long-term use of corticosteroids in children can lead to stunted growth.

right now i am on 40mg of prednisone a day. in the hospital i was on 80mg, and if you know anything about drugs in the least then you know that is A TERRIFYING AMOUNT OF STEROIDS TO BE TAKING. i am doing a weekly taper, which means in three weeks i will be off this brutal shit. steroids are cheap, and they really do make me feel SO FUCKING GODD, but they DESTROY the human body. i'm not even fucking kidding. DESTROY. they kill your immune system which, in addition to the immunosuppressive therapy i am currently undergoing (see below), means i have the defenses of a bitch with full-blown AIDS. now, I DO NOT HAVE AIDS, bitches, i just have ZERO IMMUNE SYSTEM at the moment.

Immune system suppressors.

These drugs also reduce inflammation, but they target your immune system rather than directly treating inflammation. By suppressing the immune response, inflammation is also reduced. Immunosuppressant drugs include:

Azathioprine (Imuran) and mercaptopurine (Purinethol).
These are the most widely used immunosuppressants for treatment of inflammatory bowel disease. Although it can take two to four months for these medications to begin to work, they help reduce signs and symptoms of IBD in general and can heal fistulas from Crohn's disease in particular. If you're taking either of these medications, you'll need to follow up closely with your doctor and have your blood checked regularly to look for side effects.

so i take two 50 mg azathioprine every morning. it used to make me vomit EVERY SINGLE MORNING, sexy, right?, but that seems to have passed. thank horus. nothing ruins a morning like vomiting. NOTHING. get up, take pills, shower, BARF. i seriously wouldn't even want to leave the house after that. how could your day possibly improve when it's started with hot, teary-eyed vomiting down the shower drain? fucking brutal.

remember when i got that bronchitis straight from the pit of hell after my birthday? i was taking this fucking shit. this shit turns "head cold" into "ebola virus." i can't fight a goddamned thing off. and make fun of my constant sanitizing and hand washing and non-public eating, but your sniffly nose is my two weeks in the hospital. so stop goddamned coughing near me, already. and don't drink off my fucking straw.


Infliximab (Remicade).
This drug is for adults and children with moderate to severe Crohn's disease who don't respond to or can't tolerate other treatments. It works by neutralizing a protein produced by your immune system known as tumor necrosis factor (TNF). Infliximab finds TNF in your bloodstream and removes it before it causes inflammation in your intestinal tract.

drip.

Adalimumab (Humira).
Adalimumab works similarly to infliximab by blocking TNF for people with moderate to severe Crohn's disease. It's prescribed for people who haven't been helped by infliximab or other treatments. Adalimumab is given as an injection under the skin every other week, which you may be able to administer yourself. Adalimumab may reduce the signs and symptoms of Crohn's disease and may cause remission.

However, adalimumab, like infliximab, carries a small risk of infections, including tuberculosis and serious fungal infections. Your doctor will administer a skin test for tuberculosis before you begin adalimumab treatment. The most common side effects of adalimumab are skin irritation and pain at the injection site, nausea, runny nose and upper respiratory infection.

drrrrrrrrip.

one thing i hope you notice is that, much like those insane commercials for cholesterol medication and viagra or whatever, the list of side effects of all this stuff are RIDICULOUS. but doing these things isn't really optional.


Lifestyle.
Diet.
There's no firm evidence that what you eat actually causes inflammatory bowel disease. let me just jump in here and say, hopefully for the last fucking time in my entire fucking life, that "what did you eat?" is NOT the appropriate response to "i was in the hospital." it is INFURIATING, and it makes me feel unneccessarily dumb and irresponsible. so don't ever ask me the fuck again what i ate that made me sick. i had one of my WORST flare-ups after having plain white toast and boiled noodles. i don't need any unnecessary food shame because you think i couldn't resist eating an entire bag of oreos. fuck you and die. But certain foods and beverages can aggravate your signs and symptoms, especially during a flare-up in your condition. If you think there are foods that make your condition worse, try keeping a food diary to keep track of what you're eating as well as how you feel. If you discover certain foods are causing your symptoms to flare, it's a good idea to try eliminating those foods. Here are some suggestions that may help:

Limit dairy products.
Like many people with inflammatory bowel disease, you may find that problems, such as diarrhea, abdominal pain and gas, improve when you limit or eliminate dairy products. You may be lactose intolerant — that is, your body can't digest the milk sugar (lactose) in dairy foods. If so, limiting dairy or using an enzyme product, such as Lactaid, will help break down lactose.

i haven't had a glass of milk, or milk in my coffee, or milk on my cereal, in over ten years. and if i'm dumb enough to eat ice cream, i usually do so while already on the toilet. that shit is like greased fucking lightning. holy hell. so consider my dairy "limited."

Try low-fat foods. If you have Crohn's disease of the small intestine, you may not be able to digest or absorb fat normally. Instead, fat passes through your intestine, making your diarrhea worse. Foods that may be especially troublesome include butter, margarine, cream sauces and fried foods.

um, yeah. so i'm doing this now. i am eating kitten-sized meals which, cumulatively, have less than 20 grams of fat. CUMULATIVELY. so get that fucking butter out of my goddamned face.

Experiment with fiber.
For most people, high-fiber foods, such as fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains, are the foundation of a healthy diet. But if you have inflammatory bowel disease, fiber may make diarrhea, pain and gas worse. If raw fruits and vegetables bother you, try steaming, baking or stewing them. You may also find that you can tolerate some fruits and vegetables, but not others. In general, you may have more problems with foods in the cabbage family, such as broccoli and cauliflower, and nuts, seeds, corn and popcorn. Consult your doctor prior to starting a high-fiber diet.

sometimes "experimenting with fiber" yields a nicely formed, s-shaped poop that is so pretty and perfect that you want to take a picture of it. and other times you end up sweating with tears running down your face as you shit out an entire bowl of brown rice. WHOLE. so i'm taking my time.

Avoid problem foods.
Eliminate any other foods that seem to make your signs and symptoms worse. These may include "gassy" foods such as beans, cabbage and broccoli, raw fruit juices and fruits — especially citrus fruits, spicy food, popcorn, alcohol, and foods and drinks that contain caffeine, such as chocolate and soda.

NO. MORE. TACOS. *sob*

Eat small meals.
You may find you feel better eating five or six small meals a day rather than two or three larger ones.

i just started doing this, and it's working surprisingly well. it's not making me crap as much as i'd expected, at least. but it is SO HARD for a lazy sack of garbage like myself to go from not even being bothered to fix a bowl of cereal to being fully prepared, BEFOREHAND, for six indivual fucking meals. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.

Drink plenty of liquids.
Try to drink plenty of fluids daily. Water is best. Alcohol and beverages that contain caffeine stimulate your intestines and can make diarrhea worse, while carbonated drinks frequently produce gas.

NO. MORE. BEER. EITHER. seriously, i might hang myself.

Consider multivitamins.
Because Crohn's disease can interfere with your ability to absorb nutrients and because your diet may be limited, multivitamin and mineral supplements are often helpful. Check with your doctor before taking any vitamins or supplements.

i take two chewable centrum a day, less because i need the nutrients than because i sort of REALLY enjoy that sickly orange flavoring. does that count as one of my eight daily servings of fruit?

Stress
Although stress doesn't cause Crohn's disease, it can make your signs and symptoms much worse and may trigger flare-ups. Stressful events can range from minor annoyances to a move, job loss or the death of a loved one.

When you're stressed, your normal digestive process changes. Your stomach empties more slowly and secretes more acid. Stress can also speed or slow the passage of intestinal contents. It may also cause changes in intestinal tissue itself.

are you reading this, people who ride my ass all day? do you get this shit?! stop speeding up the passage of my intestinal contents, shitbags.

Although it's not always possible to avoid stress, you can learn ways to help manage it. Some of these include:

Exercise.
Even mild exercise can help reduce stress, relieve depression and normalize bowel function. Talk to your doctor about an exercise plan that's right for you.

to russia, with love!

so here's the exercise plan the hospitalist and nutritionist came up with: i have to "exercise" for fifteen minutes five days a week. and lift some weights as regularly as i feel like. and i've been in the gym TWO DAYS IN A ROW. if my trainer had said that shit i'd weigh 97 pounds by now. (no, i wouldn't.) fifteen minutes is a fucking peach, man. and i don't mind a little tricep curlage and deltoid stretchage. the steroids make the shit easy, too. i'm like the incredible hulk of my shitty neighborhood bally's. hide your women and children. rawr.


Biofeedback.
This stress-reduction technique may help you reduce muscle tension and slow your heart rate with the help of a feedback machine. You're then taught how to produce these changes without feedback from the machine. The goal is to help you enter a relaxed state so that you can cope more easily with stress. Biofeedback is usually taught in hospitals and medical centers.

this sounds like some scientology shit. once i asked dr. gorge if he recommended any holistic remedies and he looked at me like i'd said, "would you like to eat a pile of my vomit for dinner?" in other words, NO HE DOES NOT. he recommends drugs and IVs and expensive ass tests, but mention acupuncture or herbs and he'll spit in your face. and i'm cool with that. i'd sell my soul to a pharmaceutical company if i could find one that wanted it. big pharma is big business, and i'll take any discount i can get. and sooner or later somebody will let me get my hands on some legal heroin, and i want mine straight from the SOURCE.

Regular relaxation and breathing exercises.
One way to cope with stress is to regularly relax. You can take classes in yoga and meditation or use books, CDs or DVDs at home.

you bitches better stop stressing my ass out. dudes, too. i'm going to stop working so goddamned much. and if i don't write for a week, you hoes just have to deal with it.  if i don't call you back right away, don't jump down my throat. if i'm moving a little slowly, chalk it up to my newfound relaxed attitude. i can't settle down enough to meditate, and yoga makes my anxiety skyrocket from trying not to fart while twisting all this ass into impossible poses. so i'm going to sleep more and take long walks on the beach and listen to enya or whatever the fuck i have to do to keep my blood pressure at a reasonable level. uggg. fuck yoga.

boy, how i've missed you kittens. i'm so tired of this bullshit that i am usually disappointed when i don't die in the hospital and am forced to live to slog through another day, but then i thought about how the 17 people who read this shit regularly might be sad if they hadn't heard from my vagina hole in a while. did you know that "healthy," "young" people are not allowed to sign a DNR? and that they laughed in my face when i asked for the kevorkian suite? utter nonsense, i tell you. every time i sign the admit form and get a central line put in the side of my arm i hope, "maybe this will be the time they slip me a little too much dilaudid...?" but, no. i'm still fucking here. and still pissed about it.

come celebrate my non-demise this sunday night at the sex show's birthday extravaginaganza. i will be reading a delightfully hilarious tale from my vaginal crypt, and it will be the awesome. sunday july 25 at 7:30 pm at the burlington. let's revel in my newfound sobriety, shall we? you know you want to.

back to some dumb and healthy shit next week. xo