Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the dog ate my homework.


holy shit. shouldn't you kids be on a playground? or at the mall? or fingerbanging each other in the back of your mom's volvo? rather than flooding my inbox with your pre-pubescent problems?! fuck that, i'm just kidding. I LOVE THIS SHIT. probably because i hated school and no boys ever liked me and nothing exciting ever happened to me and it's sweet vindication for my thirty year old ass to know that the popular girls who boys want to call don't know shit about kissing and have shitty, back-stabbing friends. two caveats: first, i understand that these are children. supposedly. so i will try to be sensitive. second, BECAUSE these are from children, they are nearly IMPOSSIBLE TO FUCKING READ. i haven't edited a goddamned thing, because i want to make your eyes bleed just like mine did. as much as it pained me to resist the urge to correct their broken english, i did. holy hell. WHAT THE FUCK are you kids doing during english class?! oh wait, i know, facebooking on your iphones. but seriously, would it kill you to flip through your grammar and style workbook every once in a while? sheesh.

i love back to school commercials. always have. i would get really excited about going back to school 1 because i hate summer and 2 because i really love the promise in those commercials. you know what i mean? nerds spending the summer reinventing themselves as hot dudes and all that. i mean, it never fucking happened (booger-eaters and bed-wetters were still picking their noses and peeing on themselves every september), but those commercials make you feel like it could happen. all you need is fresh unsharpened number two pencils and a new backpack and a whole new world of possibility could open up to you! i know that kind of thing only happens in movies, but just let me live in my delusion. also, i was always really hard on my crayons but was allowed only one box a year, and i LIVED FOR THE DAY i could throw my old ones out and get a new box with the built-in sharpener. really, it made me so happy. oh, shut up, cynical assholes.


k, so i'm texting this guy RIGHT NOW and we're playing 20 questions, it's my turn...what should i ask ??? please help!!

how big are your balls?

I like this guy and he likes me too. Long story for another time lol. But anyway one of his friends is really hot. (Andres) I dont like him like that I just think hes hot lol. So hes in my Economics class and he stares at me all the time!! Yeah he knows I like his friend. We both do know each other but we dont talk. We have only spoken once and it was like a year or two ago. Very casual. lol what do you think of this lol. sorry its long.

have you ever listened to two teenagers talking to one another and found yourself completely confounded by the conversation? like, you know they're speaking english but you just can't figure out what the FUCK they're talking about?! i have read this question 137 times, yet i still can't figure out what you're asking, kitten. every time i think i get it i re-read it and second guess myself. i'm not sure which guy andres is, although with a name like that i'm sure he's full of latin fire and is probably super hot. i can't make heads or tails of this, really. you like a dude, but you don't LIKE HIM like him, you just think he's hot? and you LIKE like his friend? to whom you've spoken once? two years ago? which equals "casual" rather than "nonexistent?" i might be too crotchety and old to properly decipher this but, that being said, i think this is dumb.

I've never had a boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. I guess the reason is because I go to a small school. But I just got asked to go to prom by my crush which I'm happy and I think he likes me too. is there anyone else who's NEVER had a boyfriend?

if you're willing to amend this to "good, kind, and consistent boyfriend," add me to your legion. i never had a boyfriend in high school, but my consolation was that i always had a really high GPA. which is really no consolation whatsoever, because i understand that a teenager's self-worth is directly linked to and determined by the number of bases she's let some young man tag. so anything i would say isn't really going to make you feel better than some acne-ridden soccer player walker you from math to gym.

it's like when i whine about not having a dude and bitches are like "but you're so FUNNY!" as if a sense of humor replaces a dick in my mouth. tangent time. could you bitches PLEASE refrain from saying that to me? it chaps my BALLS OFF. it's like if you say "goddamn, i broke my arm," and my response is "but your hair looks shiny!" YES, IT IS THE SAME. and it's RIDICULOUS. stop doing that. funny doesn't replace this hymen i've re-grown, just like a cute shirt doesn't keep your house from getting foreclosed on. jerks.
now go find me a boyfriend.

sam, what's YOUR ideal guy?

while tempted to give a smartass bullshit answer (LONG BALLS AND A CHECKING ACCOUNT), i am going to be tender and honest. because i haven't fucked a dude in almost nine months, and shit is getting desperately bleak around here. hopefully the universe is listening: smart (but not smarter than i am), reserved (a nice way of saying "doesn't talk too much"), stylish (without being moist), PROGRESSIVE, relatively agreeable (debating all the time is weak and exhausting), not gross, not cheap (the absolute WORST quality in a human being), interested (in anything), open to things and 100% non-judgmental, self-sufficient and self-reliant and self-actualizing and self-motivated and every other euphemism for NOT BROKE, humane, mature (but not elderly), amusing (but not hilarious, because i own that adjective), decent music collection, "good listener," and NOT FUCKING BORING.

handsome doesn't make the list because at this point i don't care. and i wanted to specify that i need a dude who is hot in the sack, but instead i said "good listener." because, ultimately, that's what makes you good in bed. i don't care if a motherfucker laughs at my jokes, but if he doesn't listen and pay attention to sexy things i like that i explicitly instruct him to do, then he has to go. and i'm not a ball buster, i only give gentle (yet FIRM) guidance once i've given him a shot to see if he's capable of doing it on his own and he's proven that he won't. essentially, i want a nice dude who knows when to shut up and hates arguing

oh, who am i fucking kidding? and GIANT TESTICLES.

okay theres this guy at my school who i really like. and he acts like he likes me too. and he'll be telling me how pretty he thinks i am and stuff in person and on the phone and stuff. (yeah, he even calls me) and he jiments. and them when im txting him and stuff he'll be telling me all these things and when i ask him 'wrud' he says talking to u and 'insert girl name here' WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? and he says the same stuff he tells me to them...everyone says we shud go out but idk...what shud i do???


it took me forty minutes to figure out that "wrud" means "what are you doing?" am i the only asshole on the planet who texts in complete, grammatically-correct sentences?

Ive been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks, and we've hit it off really well! the only thing is that im scared we might've run out of things to talk about...HELP! :)

get used to it, sister. dudes are fucking BORING.

okay so my boyfriend attempted to cheat on me. and we've been going out for like 2yrs. i broke up with him like a week ago and even though as im starting to realize more & more that everything hes said to me was a lie and i shouldntve let him treat me the way he did (put downs, pressure, all that stuff) anyways i still like him and we used to be like best friends and we barely talk now and its killing me that were throwing this friendship away. any suggestions? ps he doesnt know that i know what he
did.

now YOU sound like my kind of girl! "attempted to cheat on me" makes me think you threw a monkey wrench right in the middle of his dick-wetting program, and to that i say BRAVO. and if he's putting you down, he isn't your friend. mean-ass cheaters don't DESERVE friends. introduce him to the dump. he's wack.
he was eating with his back to me. does this mean he doesn't like me? do boys typically do that?
one can only hope, my love. consider this a favor. dudes are careless fucking pigs. watching a dude eat usually guarantees that i'll never let him get that mandible anywhere near my soft, tender meat. i literally almost vomit 90% of the time a man is eating in my presence. keep this dude around forever.

so i really like this guy but i dont kno how to talk to him.. we can text all night long but once we call eachother or we get to school we just dont talk.. i have tried to bring up subjects that might spark a convo but he just shrugs it off and answers with a really quick reply ITS SO AWKWARD!!

he's bored and doesn't like you. don't waste your time. and don't feel bad, either, because this shit happened to me JUST LAST WEEK. i'm not kidding. i spent a week texting a dude who thought I WAS SOMEONE ELSE. blerg. why i have not yet swallowed a drano cocktail remains a mystery to me. what the fuck am i DOING out here?! my life is so fucking stupid and lame. sulk.

ok so im 16, and i had a crush on this 21 year old guy but i didnt mean for it to be serius.i just thought he was cute, and i dont even know him that well but we were walking in the street and all of a sudden he grabbed me and started kissing me and now i feel like a dirty w.hor.e and im groosed outt! what do i do? i mean hes legally an adult!!!

this shit is illegal, so call the police. unless you're a dateline decoy, which means they're already hiding outside in your dad's azaleas. let chris hanson do his thang thang, gurl.

This guy admitted he liked me about a month ago. I was really happy and we began to flirt, hold hands under the table, and do all the other sorta stuff lovers like us did. We never were officially girlfriend and boyfriend because his parents said he couldn't date...
Then he texted me saying "hey i don't like you anymore i'm sorry" and i crashed hard.


I still stare at him in class, and been pinching myself to remind myself not to these days. It's really hard to accept the fact that he doesn't like me anymore. I think i'm "hungover" him in a way. I can't get him out of my mind and is constantly the thing i'm looking at. I need to move on. I need to forget. But how?


this happens to me, too. and most bitches won't readily admit it, but it happens to THEM, too. crushes are the most fun and amazing mental diversions, and i feel sort of gross and awful when i don't have one. aaaaaand kind of gross and awful when i do, and it is unrequited. delicious torment, this whole love game is. i don't know how you get over someone, whether your relationship is real or imagined, other than becoming completely immersed in fantasies starring (or an actual interpersonal relationship directly involving) someone else. i wish i had a better answer, like "exercise" or "fresh air" or something equally healthy-sounding. but then i'd be lying to you, and i don't do that here. but i totally understand that new crushes aren't easy to come by, and new RELATIONSHIPS are fucking impossible, so you should just read books. or eat. or stalk celebrities. really, do whatever comes to your mind first. none of it will be satisfying, but at least it's SOMETHING.

and never use the phrase "lovers like us" ever again. please. i still love you, but that grossed me OUT. ralph.



how do you kiss a guy? Like, where do your lips go?


how about on his mouth? everything else i want to say is inappropriate, even though i know that you kids are gangbanging and making bukake films in your mom's room while she's at book club. but i can't do it. sucio!


Okay, so normally I never go for guys who dont like me first like its just the way i do things. So i've never actually tried to make a guy like me...so how do you do it?!?! Like how do you keep a conversation going? Thats the problem i'm having, im so nervous about saying the wrong thing that we just have nothing to talk about! please give me ideas! thank you, sam! love you! xox


quit while you're ahead. if he doesn't like you, you won't convince him otherwise. save yourself the heartache.


doesn't being alone suck? i think back and realize that i've dated jerks. and i dont want that anymore it hurts but i dont want to be so lonely either. but i dont really know a guy thats right for me. sooo i dont know what to do? and im tired of just..waiting for him to just " show up". thats BS. ]: so it'd be nice to get some advice or for you to share your story? maybe gimme a lil hope or somethin IDK...just anything really.


man, it TOTALLY DOES. which is why i'm going to kill myself later. i should be offended by this question, but i had a shitty dude weekend so i'm not. i'd tell you to drown your sorrows in booze like i plan to, but that's illegal. so go suck down a bunch of jellybeans or sour patch kids or whatever the fuck it is that you young people eat. it doesn't get better. BLEAK.


what are the best sad and easy to cry to breakup songs?


i was going to make you a little sad pants mini mix, but then i decided FUCK THAT STUPID DUDE. don't waste your tears on him. you're young and god invented that HPV vaccine just for you. get out there and road test it.


how do you keep from getting all sweaty when your boyfriend holds your hand?!


it's adorable that you kids still hold hands. nothing prevents handsweat, so i say just pull away every now and then, wipe your hand on your ass, and blame him. but blame him in a coy, sexy way. for example: "wow, tyler, you must really be hot for me. your hand won't stop sweating!" said while giggling, of course. he'll blush and get a boner and your gross clammy man hands will be forgotten. you're welcome.


I'm not so confident with what i do when i have sex and i just wanted to know what guys like and don't like. when having sex, what can i do to make the guy go crazy?!??!!?!


i can't answer this in good conscience. first of all, i don't know. i really don't. i've let a dude put his dick in or on or around every single opening on my body and have made tunnels and caves and entrances where there previously were none. i've literally done every disgusting thing on the sex menu short of cutlery, vomit, or shit, and i still have NO IDEA what makes dudes "go crazy." i know how to make one stop calling, apparently. and how to make him lie his balls off or say something dumb and inappropriate at an inopportune time. but how to drive him wild in bed? no fucking clue.

but how hard could it POSSIBLY BE to get a teenager off? all you need is ten seconds and a brush against his groin, right? answering this makes me uncomfortable. do whatever you think is right, or whatever you've seen bitches on true blood doing, and rest assured that he's so young and inexperienced that WHATEVER you do is hot to him, even if it's not that daring or adventurous. the fact that you're even in the room makes it a million times better than jerking off with his free hand holding the bathroom door shut so his nosy little sister can't walk in on him, so just go from there. "you're not alone, so you better think this is awesome."



my bf and i have been going out for forever, and we r completely in love. but we go to different skools and theres just one problem.....hes always getting grounded! and when he gets grounded, he has no phone, no computer, and cant leave the house. i've tried to tell him to try not to get grounded so i can talk to him and we can go out. how do i get a guy who hates being told wat to do to listen to me??

well isn't THAT the 64 million dollar question?! i've been trying to figure that shit out since the first grade. the truth is that you CAN'T; and maybe the bigger, more painful truth is that he doesn't like you that much. if i was, like, completely in love with a dude at a different skool (pfft) and the phone and computer were the lifeblood of our relationship, i wouldn't do ANYTHING to fuck up my only means of communication with my one true love. seriously, kittens, i only pay my phone bill in case a hot dude wants to call me. i'll run into the rest of you hoes eventually on the street. or you can call me at work. but hot sausages love to text, so i have to keep my sprint game tight. it's obvious he doesn't really love you, otherwise he'd mind his manners and stop getting in trouble.

does he have a sister? if so, maybe they're on some "flowers in the attic" shit, so being grounded is the best thing that could ever happen to his dick. and you don't want any part of THAT. *shudder*



i went shopping with this guy today and like i think he was bored cause then he was texting people. what do you think? :(


shopping is boring, which is why i try to do most of mine on the fast-paced thrill ride that is the internet. if i do set foot into an actual storefront, i am in and out LIGHTNING QUICK. i can't be standing around listening to bitches put themselves down and lie to each other about how good they look in whatever they're trying on. YUCK. and shopping with someone else is ten times as balls, especially if she likes to linger over the racks and try everything on. omg and shopping with a broke bitch makes me homicidal, digging through mountainous piles of clearance garbage for the size that sold out three fucking weeks ago. i would rather be dead. for serious.

i don't understand shopping with a dude. i mean, even if i LOVED whiling away my hours in the tenth circle of department store hell, dudes fucking ruin everything their penises aren't the direct beneficiary of. maybe if you were in agent provocateur or g boutique his ears might perk up and that dull gleam might disappear from his eyes, but since you're a kid you're too poor for that shit. plus you don't have enough boobs to look good in a leather bustier. if i had to stand around forever 21 for more than 30 seconds watching you try on jeggings not only would i be texting bitches, i'd be texting them to come pick my ass up. next time ask him if he wants to see transformers or any other activity that might involve your handling of his tiny babypenis in the dark. torture your ladyfriends with the shopping. that's what they're for.



So ive been kinda flirting with this guy at school and have come to find out we have a lot in common. i really like him and i kinda thought he liked me. but a couple weeks a go i told my best friend i liked him and now shes all over him and hes acting like he likes her now. She claims she doesnt like him and when people brig her up with him he claims he doesnt like her.

The other day me and her were talking about this and she keeps claiming that she has heard that he likes me from his best friends. theres only one problem: sometimes she tells the truth but a lot of times she lies. i dont wanna think shes lieing to me cuz normally shes really honest with me about everything but i just dont know. shes the only straight thing in this situation cuz everything else is just wishy washy.but im not even sure i can trust her. Please message me if you think you can help or give some good advice cuz im really confused and desperate.



you already know the answer to this, and you already know exactly what i'm going to say. "sometimes she tells the truth but a lot of times she lies." THIS LITTLE BITCH IS FOUL. first thing, no real friend would sweat a dude you're into the minute you tell her you're into him, and if she did it despite claiming to have zero feelings for him she obviously fucking hates you. second, this is proof positive that boys are dumb babies easily distracted by whatever shiny toy is placed right in front of them. the obvious solution is that you have to ditch this raggedy broad, and i'd even go so far as to say the dude isn't worth a shit, either. if he can't come up to you and tell you he likes you, HE IS MOIST. and moisture is too much of a mess to clean up. get over them both.


he's younger than me, is it worth it to try to see what happens. We work together and he's only a year younger. But i'm graduating this year and i'm not completly sure what i'm doing. I'm pretty sure i'm staying home for school but all options are open. Normally a year is no biggie but with me leaving high school is it big? Especially now that there is only a few months left? I'm just confused. Answers please.


it's not worth it. considering that the maturity level of most american males is five years younger than their actual age, if he's 16 that means he's really 11. come on, babygirl. you mean to tell me your college-attending ass is going to holler at a 12 year old next year?! no, you are not. want to know why? because next year you'll be surrounded by dudes whose balls are just starting to drop; broad, strapping pieces of beef with CHESTS (mmm) and SHOULDERS (MMM) who are old enough to get you DRUNK. you're not really going to hustle backward after that, lover. dates at the ihop trying to beat his eleven o'clock curfew? or unsupervised keg parties at a sixth-year senior's apartment? i bet i know which one you pick. the same one i would. whore.

(anyone who knows me for real knows good and well that i'd be crying into my waffles on a saturday night watching some sexually-immature toddler pick hash browns out of his braces, hating my life and wishing i had the courage to walk up to the cool kids on the quad and try to make friends with them, butter and syrup dripping into my cleavage as all the kids i went to high school with last year stroll in and snicker at me. because i'm not the exotic older woman, i'm the loser they had spanish with last year who still drives ALL THE WAY HOME every weekend to spend her textbook money on mini golf and mall pretzels. then i would drop him off at home, let him stick his hands in my pants and finger me for five minutes, then drive nine hours back to college. where i would then pretend i had been on a fabulous city date with a handsome older man who loved taking me to five star restaurants and showing me off to his seethingly jealous friends. i would fabricate this fantasy, of course, with telltale blueberry syrup congealing on my bosom, giving my deception away to a roommate who could care less anyway. then i would go to sleep with a pillow over my head to drown out the excruciatingly loud actual sex she was having with the dude from down the hall. sad face.)



Over the course of about 2 years me and this guy had become really good friends. I liked him even before I really knew him. Then he moved to his dads across the state. I still really like him but he hardly talks to anyone from back home. I want to tell him but I dont know what to do.


let it go. trust me, whatever effort you expend trying to make your own personal interstate love song, the end result is going to hardly be worth it. even if i met the dude from question four RIGHT NOW at one of the most desperate for human male physical contact periods in my rapidly spoiling youth, if he moved even out of the range of the nearest el train i'd have to wash my hands of him. because long distance is hard and makes me sad, despite the fact that i continue to engage in it. but here's the thing: i'm old and gross and no one ever says shit about anything i do. but i'm totally sure you have tattletale BFFs and snitching ass frenemies who will put your shit on blast as soon as you try to get your local creep on (because take it from me, the ONLY WAY out of town action works is if you have someone IN TOWN helping you with your physics and anatomy homework, ahem), and you don't need all the facebook myspace twitter drama that will ensue once they send a covertly snapped blurry cell phone picture of you snuggling your math tutor at the movie theater to your little manfriend. isn't high school hard enough without adding this extra shit? i mean, do you even have a license? how are you planning to see him? what, are you assholes having skype relationships nowadays? you kids know how i feel about webcams. LET THIS GO.


where do you put your tongue when you make out? please, i need to know!!!

i don't think it matters where you put it as long as it's in his MOUTH. the kiss of death comes typically in the form of either an immobile tongue that just lies dead in your mouth, or dead in HIS mouth, or one that is all pointy and pokey. i used to date a dude who licked my teeth, literally scraping the plaque off, and that was probably the grossest thing anyone could ever do with his tongue. so just don't do that. ew.



what is the cutest thing a guy has ever told you?
"order whatever you want, dinner is on me."


love you.