Tuesday, August 3, 2010

porn kills.

1 QUIT PLAYING. for reals. just stop. stop it right now. i would eat this with a spoon. i keep telling you how much i am enamored of smart people, and dr. maddow is by far the SMARTEST. and she's funny. and smart. funny. smart. HANDSOME. interesting. smart. smart. funny. smart. clever. bright. witty. funny. smart. and i bet she even has long balls.

i'm not psychic or anything, but i definitely think i'm hurtling toward a future spent with a female companion. is it possible to be a lesbian but not in the gay way? when my insatiable sex drive (pfffft) finally shuts down i'm going to need someone to talk to and look after me, and men are completely unreliable. and most of them are too stupid to be put to any good use. besides, what do you do when you get old anyway? kiss each other and eat dinner at four o'clock? i can handle that. girls have soft lips, and most of us know our way around a kitchen. i'm not-so-secretly an old lady anyway, what with my preference for soft, room temperature foods and incessantly shouted demands. all i need is an elastic waistband and a buick and i'm all fucking set.

i'd like to live out the sexy part of my life with a smoldering piece of beef, of course, because i am a heterosexual and i hate talking about my feelings. plus, i can't be with a woman until we're past our pretty years, because that would just be more competition than i could reasonably handle. i've got enough stupid shit to worry about without agonizing over whether or not my wife's tits are perkier than mine. but i can't trust that a man would make sure that medicaid sent payments to the nursing home, and men die so early anyway that it wouldn't even matter. then helen keller would be left to sort out my affairs, and that bitch hasn't got any thumbs.

rachel could regale me with insider political backstories, tales of mystery and intrigue from her trips to magical far-off places around the globe, and teach me how to speak textbook-perfect latin (or whatever other fancy shit smart people know) while changing my diapers, and i can tell her all about the time i accidentally dropped a shot of tequila into a pint of bass and drank the shit anyway because i had already paid nine dollars for the whole thing and didn't want it to go to waste. i didn't even throw up!

fair trade, OBVIOUSLY. sigh. i'm so fucking dumb. she'd be done with me after fifteen minutes. but you know who would enjoy that story? A MAN.

2 A 30-year-old woman's death as she used a sex toy while watching pornography was probably due to her state of sexual excitement, an inquest heard on Thursday.

Children's nanny Nichola Paginton was found dead in bed naked from the waist down last October with pornographic material running on her laptop. A sex toy was discovered next to her. A Home Office pathologist told the inquest in Gloucester that Miss Paginton died from a sudden heart arrhythmia, probably brought on by her state of arousal.

Gloucestershire coroner Alan Crickmore agreed it was likely that "her activity before death" contributed to the fatal arrhythmia. The inquest heard that Miss Paginton, of Cirencester, was found dead in October last year. Detective Sergeant Gavin Webb said police had been called by her employer Sarah Griffiths who had visited Miss Paginton's home when she failed to turn up for work. When there was no reply at the door she enlisted the help of neighbour Michelle Grant and they saw Miss Paginton through the curtains, lying on her bed with her cat lying on her chest.

"After they broke in they realised Miss Paginton was dead," said Sergeant Webb. "She had a computer on her lap and when they moved it and lifted the duvet, they found she was naked from the waist down and there was a vibrator in the bed.

"The laptop was still displaying pornographic material."

Home office pathologist Dr. Richard Jones from the University of Cardiff said: "There is nothing to explain why she died in this way but I suspect sudden cardiac death." Returning a verdict of death from natural causes, Mr. Crickmore said: "I am satisfied Nichola Paginton died of a natural disease process - sudden cardiac arryhthmia. It is not always possible to determine an exact cause of death but it is likely that her activity beforehand contributed towards it." Daily Mail.

replace "miss paginton" with "miss irby" and it's like looking into the fucking future. shitballs. also, i REALLY want to see that porn.

3
i missed pitchfork. here's something i probably shouldn't tell you, but you already know i have lots of adult diapers and poise pads and other senior citizen accoutrement hanging out in my hall closet. (i wonder if arizona would be pissed if his suits smelled like depends...?) because this crohn's that is killing me from the inside out sometimes requires asshole surgery, and that makes my booty leak. one year i went to pitchfork with jeff and i wore a diaper so i could drink beer without worrying about using a dirty outdoor toilet. i didn't tell him, of course, because men, like children, are so singularly focused that he would have never let it go (har). i wore this airy floor-length summer dress 1 for easy access and 2 in case there was spillage, no one would see the pee running down my leg and into the grass. pants STAIN. duh.

i like to forego food when i'm drinking, so we stood at the edge of the park and just got shitty drunk while squinting into the sun at the ant-sized bands onstage and talking shit about the tragic hipsters surrounding us. long story short, i peed in that diaper. twice. then i changed it and peed in the new one. (high life RUNS THROUGH ME, jesus.) i thought this was a hilarious story, but now it sounds like the kind of confession one would make at an AA meeting or some shit. hic.

4 i was just at the liquor store a minute ago minding my own goddamned alcoholic business, when a large woman easily 137 years old sweating in fucking BOOTY SHORTS and a TRANSPARENT CAMISOLE with errant hairs that had escaped her messy ponytail stuck to the back of her neck and a jug of white wine in her hand wiped her damp moistness on the bare flesh of my arm while i was cradling a precious bottle of campari and singing it a lullabye while i contemplated whether or not i have twenty-seven extra dollars to pour down my throat. i literally almost died. nothing is more disgusting than the feel of some stranger's wet public skin. barf. i fucking hate summer. it is SO HOT and people are SO INAPPROPRIATELY DRESSED and i just wish it was fucking winter already. everyone is more attractive in the winter if they are properly moisturized. who doesn't look adorable in a cozy wool sweater? i know i do.

people who love summer, tell me what it is that you love so fucking much. the suffocating humidity? the ravenous insects? the oppressive and stifling heat? there's no place i can hide my eyes from all of the dudes who shouldn't be walking around shirtless (STOP THAT, it is NEVER hot enough for that) and chicks whose cellulite is actively eating the crotches out of their shorts? nothing is worse than watching you stand on a street corner trying to snatch the hem of your daisy dukes out of the the grip of your thigh teeth, ma'am. it's a little late in the season, but i might have to dig through the archives for the summer wardrobe rules, because a lot of you are obviously not paying me any attention. put your fucking fat away.

5
so our grandmother's funeral was HILARIOUS. kick yourselves for missing it. i have three sisters, as you probably know, and we break down a little something like this:

carmen, 50;
sweet, shy, responsible, reserved. total firstborn. i love carmen because she is one of the few people i can still scandalize by saying some filthy whore shit to her. for cereal. she still blushes when i say "pussyhole" or whatever to her. and you know me, i try to say that kind of shit ALL THE TIME. we go out the last saturday of every month to see this reggae band because 1 she has a crush on the bassist and 2 i like drinks with rum in them, and every time i threaten to go up to him and say "that woman over there wants to fuck you" but she won't fucking let me. really, she looks so horrified at the mere suggestion. but isn't it sort of obvious? we go to this shit EVERY MONTH and i spend half the night drunkenly making the blowjob gesture at dude while pointing to her (while her back is turned, of course). next month i'm going to say something. freals.

jane, 47;
nice enough, aloof, weird. jane's a fucking weirdo, man. she's my girl and everything, but she's a strange bird. we have the most passionate feelings about one another, i think. i'm never ambivalent about her, i either love her more than anything or hate her fucking guts. i think it's because we understand one another the best. or maybe because i'm a total goddamned weirdo, too.

carol, 45; BATSHIT CRAZY. i don't know how much i can legally say about carol other than NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. just try. it'll be the last thing you ever do.

samantha, 30; it explains so much that i'm the baby, doesn't it? and i'm the baby by a HUGE margin (ahahahaha old ass bitches!), so i was spoiled ROTTEN. i mean ice cream for breakfast rotten. i never had to pick up my toys or turn off the television. i just did whatever the hell i wanted, all the time. totally incorrigible, and the brattiest brat that ever bratted. that's why i'm so fucking insufferable now, because i've spent the better part of my life demanding shit i might not have really deserved. the worst. it's a good thing i'm so fucking cute.

so the four of us are only together when someone fucking dies, because our relationships are complicated and these bitches are out of their goddamned minds. gram died and then i went into the hospital and when i came out we had the funeral. i like funerals, because you get to see people you haven't seen in a really long time, but you don't have to see their asses for a very long time. you know, because you're, um...grieving. yeah, that's it. i love any situation during which i get to say a quick "hey!" then bounce out of any further conversation. because i don't really give a shit what you've been up to since the last time i saw your ass. if i did i would have called.

when we split up, the fault line is right down the middle. carmen and janie on the nice side, carol and sam on the devil side. the funeral was no different, carol and i all the way at the "most likely to be struck by lightning" end of the pew, and janie and carmen at tjhe "no wait to get into heaven" end. anyway, during the eulogy the minister kept addressing us directly, but she couldn't remember all of our names. and by thet i mean SHE KEPT LEAVING CAROL OUT. ahahahahahahahaha. it was HILARIOUS! especially since she kept saying things like, "samantha, god will take care of you; carmen, god will take care of you," and i'm such a piece of shit i couldn't stop giggling and saying "god fucking hates you" to carol's ass.

i haven't laughed that hard in YEARS. and, like the terrible last child i am, i wouldn't let it go. i just kept repeating what the minister said, leaving her out. i couldn't fucking stop laughing. then we played hand hockey, which i lost miserably because carol is a cheat and uses her nails to dig into my hand knowing full well i cut mine too short to do the same to her. jerk.

6 the sexiest thing i've read this week: looking for pregnant woman i adore pregnant women, want to feel, caress, squeeze, and suck on your swollen breasts, caress your pregnant belly, and make love to you! will respect all limits, want to lay naked with you and caress your wonderful body and kiss you all over. others may think you look like a whale, i think you look gorgeous and sexy! perdomo, 50.

"others may think you look like a whale?!" hold on while i race to take my pants off so you can brain-fuck my unborn fetus, you fucking winner. what a piece of shit. GROSS.

7 for those of you who've been wondering, helen's diet has been an epic failure. she's gained TWO WHOLE POUNDS since she started the fucking thing, and it is 100% my fault. i can't help it. she's just so hungry. she eats vaseline and sheets of paper and crohn's medicine and every other goddamned thing. poor baby. so now she's on a SUPER STRICT diet, much like mine, and we're both fucking miserable. i mean, she's so hungry she's actually started being nice. maybe that's why skinny people have so many more friends.






crazy, weirdo, and baby.
getting along.

imagine that.