Tuesday, October 5, 2010

my butthole works.

it's partytime all week around here, because i'm going to seduce forest whitaker in three days and my bitchass chron's is in REMISSION. so i had an upper GI small bowel series done yesterday morning, that awful awful totally fucking awful torture during which i had to ingest half a gallon of barium while being tortured and poked and prodded and radiographed while the xray tech yelled at me to hold my breath and try not to vomit. AWESOME. all while trying not to leak period blood onto the xray table while i rolled from my back to my left side back to my back now a quarter of the way up on the right side on my back again all the way up on the right onto my stomach up on my left side while wearing a gown made of tissue paper and shoestrings.

meanwhile, pictures of my gnarly guts were popping up on various screens in the room and it was sort of grossing me OUT. and it was really cold in there. boo fucking hoo. anyway, the radiology doctor comes in after a while and starts walking me through everything, spending more time than i thought was necessary on my "abnormally high amount of acid reflux." he told me that as soon as i drank the first barium the pictures he took of my chest showed it coming right back up my esophagus. INSTANTLY. which is why i feel like i'm going to vomit all the time. (as if i couldn't figure that out myself.) so of course i'm terrified that he's going to say this geyser of stomach acid is being caused by some sort of closure or blockage or whatever and that they're going to have to rip me open and dig a hole in my guts, and i'm sitting there wringing my hands and thinking how i'd feel so much more dignified if i could at least be wearing a fucking BRA during this stupid conversation, then he says, "i compared your films to the ones we took five years ago," i literally broke into a cold sweat right then, "and they look 100% improved. if i didn't know any better, i would say i'm looking at the bowels of a totally healthy person."

i've already told you i'm not a screamer, and i turned to him and said, "shut the fuck up." which caught him off guard, i could tell, but he recovered quickly. "i don't know what drugs your doctor's got you on, but you're BETTER." holy fucking shit, man. never in a million years did i expect to hear THAT. and i'll take an open esophageal sphincter (ahahahaha) over this brutal-ass crohn's any day of the week and twice on sunday. or would i? because i can swap out some of my steroids for prilosec, but the dietary restrictions are, um, well...THESE:

In acid reflux, acid-forming foods imbalance and increase the stomach's acid content, which then causes a backflow of the stomach's contents into the esophagus. According to Med Help, avoid high-fat foods, fried foods, spicy foods, highly irritating foods such as oranges and tomatoes, chocolate, caffeinated coffee, ice cream, tea and soda, and alcohol. These foods either take a very long time to digest, causing the stomach to produce more acid to break it down, or they irritate the stomach lining. Alcohol also weakens the sphincter muscle. Other foods to avoid include onions, mashed potatoes, lemon, grapefruit and cranberry juices, dairy products high in fat and added sugars, pastas, salad dressings, pastries, and sweets. These foods are also irritating to the digestive system and further imbalance the stomach's acid levels.

ohhhh, okay! that's all?! well why didn't you just SAY so?! pfffft. this shit, in addition to my crohn's shit, is going to be a big ball of fun. the eat list should read like this: water, boiled chicken, water, fruit in a can, and water. and that's what i'm about to eat, man, because this shit is awful. i haven't been shitfaced drunk in a while, which is good because i used to be worried about alcohol loosening up my outside sphincter, but now i have to be concerned about it fucking with my inside sphincters, too?! TRAGIC. i guess i'll just stay sober. i was talking to asshole the other night and he asked what i was doing and i said, "cooking," and his response was, "great, i'm on my way over." but then i explained to him that i was making some crohn's food and he was like, "oh." and that's what it's going to be for the rest of my days, i guess, looking down at my plate with a disconsolate "oh."

jeff was over last week chapping my dick off about something dumb, wasting time until i decided i was going to make something for dinner so he could sneakily just "be around" which loosely translates to "eat all my fucking food." i tried to dissuade him by telling him i was making a crohn's dinner, and he was like, "that's okay, maybe i'll learn how to make it in case i meet a girl with a sensitive stomach." well isn't that fucking nice. and A TOTAL LIE. this from a dude who stopped seeing a girl because she missed a leg waxing. he's really going to hang around and cook special food for some diarrhea broad? pshaw. yeah fucking right. then jeff said, "why don't you just use this in your online thing? you haven't done a recipe in a while. two birds with one stone and all that?" so why fucking don't i? besides, as jeff so sagely offered, "regular people get the shits, too."

so here it is: stir fry for people who get diarrhea that's easy enough for an idiot douchebag with a penis to make.first of all, that ridiculous movie orphan came on cinemax just as i was getting started, so this took twice as long as it usually takes to make. it really should take 20 minutes, if that. but i kept leaving the kitchen to watch that dumb shit, so it took me forever. anyway, normal people can add extra shit to this, shit like water chestnuts and carrots and bok choy and sprouts, whatever roughage you think tastes good. but diarrhea people should make it my way and cook the SHIT out of it so your intestines can process it without putting you in traction.

-two red bell peppers, one orange, and one yellow
-one medium-sized sweet yellow onion
-one can of chinese baby corns
-1.5 lb boneless, skinless chicken thighs-wok oil
-a bottle of commercial stir-fry sauce
-coarse salt and fresh black pepper
-whatever grain you like to eat stir fry on

1 cut the chicken into bite-sized pieces. i use thigh meat because breast meat is for white people. who wants to eat that dry-ass, flaky shit? i mean, seriously? thigh meat cooks up really juicy and nice and slides out of your butt with ease, and it tastes better. so just get some. put the cut pieces in a bowl, stab them with a fork, then sprinkle with some wok oil and toss to coat. season with salt and pepper and set aside.

2 i like to use wok oil because it has garlic and other tasty deliciousness in it. it's cheap, so even if you don't make a lot of stir-fry it's still a worthwhile investment. but it smells like balls, so be warned. chop the onion into big pieces (unless you have killer acid reflux, FUCK) and put them in your large, deep skillet or wok. spinkle some stink oil on them and turn the heat on low while you cut the peppers.

3 i obviously need some new knives, as i was sawing through the goddamned onion so hard i cut off the tip of my thumb. and got onion juice all in my open wound. then screamed so loud helen ran to hide in the bathtub. so jeff cut the peppers into thin, manageable pieces (think about the GUTS) and tossed them in with the blood-soaked onion pieces. turn the heat up to medium-high to soften the vegetables and burn off the HIV. or whatever else might be swimming through your bloodstream.

4 toss in the chicken when things start to wilt a little. so the water will sweat out of the veggies and whatever fat is in the chicken will sweat out of it and all that liquid is excellent, but to get things nice and soft add a cup of stir-fry sauce and a little hot water. liquid + high heat + vegetables and chicken = delicious mush that's easy to push through your delicate system.

5 now i usually eat this shit by itself because the only thing i can tolerate is white rice, and that shit's a calorie factory, but you can eat it on whatever belly-busting whole grain your colon desires.

jeff made a giant pot of quinoa and ate almost the entire wok full of meat with it (fucking pig) while i soaked up the gravy with a pita and scavenged what i could of the good stuff. we finished watching orphan (SO HILARIOUSLY TERRIBLE) and then watched five episodes of bored to death, at which point i was bored to death of dealing with him and kicked him the fuck out of my house.

boner appetit.