i don't know if you know this about me, but i love sharing and connecting with the people in my life. and no one is happier than i am that there is an internet tool that allows me to do so with relative ease. how else could i spy on bitches i haven't seen in 12+ years? cyber stalk dudes who don't want to sleep with me anymore but like to maintain some semblance of friendship via my tenuous grasp on our internet relationship? how would i know what you look like? and what your kids look like? or what your dog looks like? what your car looks like? what the renovations on that shitty clapboard house you bought in fucking BEACH PARK (blarf) looks like?! and, without facebook, how would i know EVERY FUCKING THING YOU EVER EAT, THINK, SAY, SEE, HEAR, or DO? because i really do want to know what you are doing every single minute of your day, just as i imagine you're dyyyying to know what i do with mine. because i'm 100% interesting. duh. but so are you, so it's totally cool.
but i have to admit that as much as i love reading about how you got three new baby cows on your farm, and that graffiti you drew for me is beautiful by the way, i never knew how much shit i would LEARN ABOUT OTHERS just by interconnecting and oversharing with the hundreds of tangential people in my (online) life. for instance:
1 you dudes have a LOT of haters. the other night i was scrolling through my news feed and read not one but FOUR separate warning statuses directed at various HATERS. veiled threats to kill a bitch and shit. which begs this question: why are you friends with people who hate on you? i mean if, in fact, they are actually expending any wasteful energy hating on broke motherfuckers with no real money or fame. and if they know you want to kill them or whatever, why haven't they deleted you yet? i mean, who the fuck hates on REGULAR people?! i mean, do YOU? i don't hate on any goddamned body, because it's pointless. pointless because real people are mostly wack and dumb and poor. you know who i would hate on if i wasted my time hating on people? OPRAH. because she's smart and rich and tricked the entire american population into making a fat, country bitch a goddamned gazillionaire. i mean, seriously, people actually hate on bitches who make partial late payments on their electric bills? yeah fucking right. i reserve my ire for slim and wealthy celebrities with sex tapes and reality shows, not some raggedy bitch with stretch marks who can't afford dental work. come on, kittens. let's be for real! and the same goes for stalkers. boy, motherfuckers must have a hard time holding down a job with all these "bitch, stop stalking me" posts. doesn't anybody watch television or read books anymore?! or are you all too busy shitting on hoes and sitting outside of dudes' houses with binoculars in your car? if someone was stalking ME i'd bake him a cake, not get on facebook to brag about how popular i am. i mean, tell everyone how much i hate be stalked. pffft.
2 you dudes thrive on positivity. who the fuck needs tony robbins when you've got the life coaching of that functionally retarded broad who used to sit behind me in seventh period chemistry? what, bitch, did "quotations for dummies" just come out in paperback? holy mother of god, can't you just tell us what you're watching on the teevee right now? why do you feel the need to be "inspiring?" as if one could be inspired by a regular-ass loser. you know that the rest of us know who you are, right? and we know about all of the bad, un-positive stuff you used to do? then maybe you should shut the fuck up. and what's wrong with someone being negative? doesn't the world need glass half empty people to survive? if for no other reason than as a contrast to all that shiny brightness? i would like some evidence that you people are being positive in your every day lives. because it's easy to throw a maya angelou quote at ME and tell ME to be good today, but are you really out there uplifting the youth and ministering to the sick and shut-in? i bet you're not. too busy trolling quotes.com trying to shame me into being a better person. jerks.
3 you dudes throw a shitload of parties. what prerequisite does becoming a "promoter" involve? what criteria does one have to meet to include this on his resume? walking upright? breathing?! holy fucking shit. i used to think i was just popular, but now i know that there are just a bunch of motherfuckers i went to school with trying to meet the bar guarantee at some shitty spot in which i would never party. ladies night, mens night, black people night, white people night, big booty night, little titty night, midget night, poetry night, salsa night, reggae night, live music night, and stripper night, ALL FREE BEFORE ELEVEN PM. but not if you're wearing jeans and/or gym shoes. stop inviting me to this bullshit. it would be one thing if we'd had a conversation in the last ten years or if i might have seen your pretty faces in one of my crowds, but rarely is it the case that i receive an invitation from someone who'd even recognize me if i actually showed up. and that's okay, just stop littering my event calendar with a bunch of false hope. i know you don't love me, you just love my two drink minimum.
4 you dudes are super inquisitive. boy, the QUESTIONS. you bitches refuse to vote, yet the minute someone posts, "hey fb fam (BARF), how long should you wait before giving a guy you just met oral?" your fingers fucking catch fire trying to be the first one to add your answer to the queue. what does all this polling prove? are we really that starved for conversation? and all those questions really do is make me think you're a freak who's dying to do (or has already done) whatever it is your hypothetical "friend" is up to. you aren't fooling anyone, you dirtbag. and now the entire internet knows that you want to cheat on your wife while she's stationed in iraq or whatever. why not do what i do and call the least judgmental of your homegirls (you know, the whore who condones EVERYTHING) and ask her what she thinks. because you know you want to do it anyway. try to refrain from putting that shit up where MY bitch ass can see it then look at you and your companion reproachfully next time i run into you in the produce section at dominick's. "hey, girl! is this the dude you wrote that anal question about?!"
5 you dudes listen to a lot of bullshit music. and you insist on trying to make the rest of us listen to it, too. and before you even fix your mouth to say something to me, everything i post is either music or comedy GOLD. sometimes my perfectly neutral opinion of a person turns to boiling hate as soon as i see some ridiculous shit he thinks is funny. really, my man? THAT'S the kind of shit you like? BLARF.
6 you dudes are totally in love! i'll admit it: i'm jealous. i didn't get married in some lady's living room to a man with another woman in his profile picture and i am seething with rage that you DID. i would rather be dead than show the internet what it looks like when some dude has my tongue down his throat. if only the rest of the universe shared my sentiment. i would write love poems if i had any real talent (or any real love), but now i don't have to because i can just collect all the sappy shit you dudes put up and string it together with a couple "ands" and "buts." who gives a fuck about getting laid, this girl wants someone she can write "samantha irby misses @bigmandingo's big hot penis" or whatever the fuck you trollops are always going on about. and everybody knows that the most miserable bitch is the one trumpeting about how happy she is. that's why i write about how much i hate everything. it's called reverse psychology. (see what i did there? yeah yeah, i know. i'm a miserable piece of shit for real. but you almost believed me.)
7 you dudes really fucking love the lord. those jesus statuses make me want to blow my fucking brains out. do me a favor and STOP THAT SHIT. pretty please? i wouldn't be so mad if it were just on sunday mornings when you bitches are feeling guilty about sleeping off your hangover instead of going to kneel at the saviour's feet (YES I WOULD), but this shit is INCESSANT. all day every day. please show me the passage in the bible that says "thou shalt clog up all forms of social media extolling my virtue." wouldn't all that typing time be better spent actually doing the lord's work? you know, feeding the homeless and sacrificing yourselves to a crowd of angry, murderous jews? HOLY SHIT. and it's always a bitch with seven out of wedlock kids talking about "giving praise to the most high" and "basking in the glory of the creator." shut the fuck up already. why didn't you ask jesus to sterilize you? or teach you how to put a condom on? because unless those children were all conceptualized immaculately, you're a whore and jesus hates you. which i guess makes him one of those haters you're always complaining about.
8 you dudes have such a good time. i'm salty, man, because DAMN that party must have been hella fun. why didn't you invite me?! i like to have fun! and that shit looked FUN. so much fun, in fact, that you uploaded 723 pictures from it. you know, because you were having SO MUCH FUCKING FUN. i know when i'm out getting shitfaced and having a raging good time i always put the party on pause so i can run an fetch a camera. it's not a good time if no one commemorates it, right? your wedding was nice, too. i especially love that you forced all your chubby bridesmaids to wear ill-fitting satin dresses the color of warm diarrhea. clicking through the seventy-five cake and centerpiece photos to try to finally get a look at your groom's face was awesome, too. and your vacation was rad! who knew earth had so many trees? and grass? and SKIES?! amazing. i don't go on vacation. when i go to a party i steer clear of every single flashbulb in the room because i do three things at parties: eat, get drunk, and talk shit, sometimes all at the same time. and helen keller and i had a small wedding ceremony for which we couldn't afford a photographer, so you'll just have to imagine what that looked like and what we wore. in the meantime, did you see that ________ posted 2 gb of the exact same picture of her five-minute old baby not doing anything interesting or even changing facial expressions at all? go busy yourself with that.
9 you dudes are dangerous. sometimes this shit is like reading a goddamned police blotter. stolen bikes, hit and runs, drunken bar brawls, OH MY. did you at least call the police before you posted that your kid had gone missing? maybe i'm old school, but i like to do all of my raggedy family shit and my sketchy, illegal shit in the privacy of the real world. more often than i feel comfortable with i encounter some shit that makes me smh and mutter "paper trail, IDIOT," under my breath. and this is coming from a bitch who puts her vagina and butthole on the internet. some things maybe should be dealt with at home. or over the phone. or in person. and i know you want to jump her, or beat her ass, or kill her, but isn't the element of surprise half of the fucking thing? you're going to show up at her back door and get your head blown the fuck off, all because you couldn't keep your goddamned mouth (fingers?) SHUT. and that hater is going to gingerly step over your rotting corpse and say, "see whore? you shouldn't have put that shit on FACEBOOK." dummy.
10 you dudes are ugly. and you married ugly people. and had a couple ugly kids. plus, for the most part, you're unsuccessful, you hate your lives, and you're living in relative obscurity. i don't say that as a criticism, quite the contrary. my life is a polyp on satan's asshole, and your lives make mine look fucking AWESOME. and i'm so glad that you document every single second of it for my perusal. now don't get bent, i'm ugly, too. and poor. and i have weird, gross friends. so why not stick it to those HATERS and all laugh together? i'm just comforted and reassured that we're all in the same hilariously awful boat.
11 you dudes are INTERESTING. and that's why you post every single breath you take. i'm talking every single everything, down to your last hair follicle. i love it. keep that shit up. so i don't run out of dumb shit to write about.
so goodnight facebook fam. i just blinked and took a breath, now i'm about to take a shit and masturbate until i fall asleep. be sure to check out the 5,749 pics i put up from my godbaby's first birthday party. and all you haterzzz can eat my poo, because you don't know who you fuckin wit! i'm finna kill you hoez. right after i get done praising His holy name, for He is the rock that i stand on. and you trick ass bitches better remember that shit, especially when it comes to my man. "Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world." -Jane Addams. look at the mobile upload of that taco i just ate. you can follow me on twitter @wordscience. stay blessed and have a blessed day. love samantha "ionlyfuckswithdownazzbitchesandilovesuckingmymansdickprincess" irby.
feel free to fucking delete me, bitches.