i'm too fucking lazy to get involved in anything more complicated than a pinkie swear, so i immediately said, "NOT DOING THAT" and turned on HBO. "hey look, avatar is on!" this asshole told me that he wants to start a website or service to help chronically single women figure out what it is they're doing wrong that continually drives men away. you did not misread that. the minute i got the gist of what he was saying i was like, "hold up, didn't you just get DUMPED?!" he's going to put advertisements in the reader and new city and craigslist, offering his consulting services to "lonely gals who want to break the cycle of ruining relationships." i want you to know that i listened to his pitch while sitting on the toilet with the door open, and i was rolling my eyes so much i almost had a fucking seizure. even helen poked her head in and was like, "this ninja has lost his damn mind" before pinching her nose closed and saying, "damn, bitch! COURTESY FLUSH!"
so his plan is to go into women's homes, look through their shit, take pictures of their clothing and living spaces, interview them, and basically hang out with them to figure out exactly what it is they are doing to make men run screaming from them. he's going to take them to movies, bars, clubs, starbucks, and all that other date-type shit for two weeks, at the end of which he'll write up a report card listing what she does right when it comes to relationships. and what she does WRONG. i listened to him blathering on for a good half an hour and the only qualification i could discern is that he has a penis and enough time on his hands to engage in this nonsense. this motherfucker is a BANKER. and he's not very good at THAT, because i asked him to take a look at my 401k and invest some money for me and he fucked it all up and i ended up having to send one of my goons over to his house to get my goddamned money back. (don't worry, that was a long time ago. we're over it now. pfffft.) his deal is that he'll write a comprehensive analysis of each woman's potential as a girlfriend, tell her what needs to be amended, then send her out into the dating world armed with his advice to conquer the single men of chicago. total fucking bullshit.
i asked him what he would need me for, and he immediately lied and said he wanted me to be a co-consultant or some shit; hang out with the ladies and point out the ones who are wearing cheap shoes and have bad lace fronts and make terrible jokes. well i don't know shit about that. i wear velcro gym shoes and my hair is a disgusting tangle of weeds 99.9% of the time, what the fuck do i know about girlfriend possibility?! "nice try, but i don't have a fucking man. i'm an expert at being drunk and watching television. want to start a website for that?" i put on my best "bitch, please" face and asked again for the real reason he wanted me involved. he almost lied to me again (i could see it on his face!) before looking down at his shoes and whispering, "i was hoping you'd be my first client." I FUCKING KNEW IT. i'm "chronically single," i have spent a fair amount of time trolling craigslist, and i'm almost desperate enough to entrust my dating fate to an unproven jackass who puts a free ad on the internet.
instead of wasting my time pretending to be insulted (i really wasn't, i'm kind of the perfect candidate for this shit) i just asked if my testimonial (provided that he could "fix" whatever my fucking problem is) would even be valid considering that he'd obviously be biased in my favor. i mean, come on. this asshole has known me for years! i could write his report in my sleep: and the verdict is, this bitch is single because she is TOO MUCH AWESOME. case closed. i obviously have to be cool with dying alone. jeff gave me his own bitch please look and informed me that there are quite a few things that would land me on the boyfriend kryptonite list, the most important being my "childish kitchen." oh, for real?!
too many bright colors (who the fuck lives here, rainbow brite?), too many containers of cat food (seriously, there are FOUR), too many swiffer-related products (inherent laziness), my miniature oven (men like baked goods), so many pill bottles (dudes like healthy broads), too much cereal (lazy), cluttered countertops (dirty), metal shelving (industrial and manly), dust on the cuisinart (lazy, again!), obama bumper sticker (silly idealist), i heart porn magnet (whore), picture of cate blanchett taped to the cabinet (that bitch is ugly), too many "all natural" cleaning products (smelly hippie), cat pictures (lesbian), magnet from when sarah and i saw wicked (lesbian), and the kitchen smelled like fish sticks and lemons (LESBIAN).
well okay then. when you put it that way, i guess i see what the issue is. i'm a smelly immature little girl who doesn't cook enough, has too many food options for one cat, and stinks like breaded cod fillets. PROBLEM SOLVED. the hippie is coming over this weekend to "watch movies" and "eat dinner," blarf he is a goddamned vegetarian so i'm not even sure what the fuck that is going to mean, but i'll be sure to give him the guided tour and gauge his assessment of my kitchen. i'm sure he'll love it. and then i'm going to let him put it in my butt.