Monday, January 24, 2011

kids fucking love me.

"get away from me with that camera while i am wearing my inside pants." that is what this face is saying. i am wearing your grandmother's scarf, your grandmother's sweater, your grandmother's magnifying glasses, and your little brother's gigantic headphones. these clothes are the reason you can't drop by my place unannounced. because what you can't see is a nightgown, pajama jeans (YES, I BOUGHT SOME), another scarf, and slipper socks. i dress like a motherfucking stuffed animal. jeff thought it would be cute to take a kamikaze picture of me in my house clothes while i was doing my nerd work (I AM ACTUALLY WORKING ON MY GODDAMNED NOVEL AGAIN) and he was supposed to be adding up all those receipts i fucking saved. i can't even begin to tell you about the hissyfit this dude was throwing. a veritable tantrum over my choosing to buy fresh flowers (i knew that would make him crazy) and refusal to go the the grocery store. seriously. he WOULD NOT SHUT UP.

so the boss man comes into work last week with a cd that his teenage daughter made, and he tells me that she REALLY wants me to listen to it and tell her what i think of it. because she thinks i am awesome and knows that my taste in music fucking rules. DUH. i've got my finger on the pulse, obviously. so i listened to it a few times, and it was pretty good. varied and diverse and totally made by a fourteen year old girl. so then i blew her mind by calling her to tell her how much i liked it. seriously, i have never heard so much breathless giggling in all my life. and my ego had a FEAST. you have to remember a few things: 1 i have been earning this girl's college tuition for her since she was five years old, 2 i have tattoos and insane glasses and i spend every day talking shit to her dad, and to kids that shit is cool, and 3 james and i have a weird BFF relationship that is totally gross. he makes me mixtapes of boring old man shit that i have to pretend to be interested in (mississippi all-stars? for reals?!), he texted me in california when he was in the emergency room after having been bitten by a bat in his backyard, and when i was in the hospital for a week in july he came and sat with me for a couple hours and graciously offered to inject some euthanasia solution into my catheter. no, he didn't. but at the time i was ready to GO. blarf.

i offered to make a playlist for her because she's adorable and i knew she would shit herself with glee. plus, my review is in april and i like to walk into that annual torture session with as much artillery as i possibly fucking can. nothing says "increase my PTO" like "remember how i made your kid that mix and how she almost died because it was so great? more money please!" oh, i'm kidding. i have to pry that free money out of his cold, dead hands. anyway, here is some rad music i made for a child who is too naive to realize what a piece of shit i am. i have ten thousand records, easily, and if life were awesome and fair my job would be sitting and listening to music and going to shows and talking about songs. but fate is a cruel mistress, so my job is to memorize the different types of limited-protein diets available for your wheat-allergic cocker spaniel. "he's still itchy? well eukanuba makes a kangaroo formula, have you thought about trying that?" RIVETING.

my playlist for amy.
http://www.mediafire.com/?yohxip4ce9tgn4o


this is all the shit i am obsessed with these days, the music that is drowning out train chatter and honking horns and essentially putting me in extreme danger most of the time i venture outdoors. and it's amazeballs. copy and paste the URL, download a compressed zip file, double click the file so it unzips, drag the tracks into your itunes, listen, weep tears of joy at the aural amazingness i just dropped on your eardrums. ALL FOR FREE. because i think you look so cute today. at first i made one giant mp3 and that shit was balls and stupid, then a little bird taught me how to upload the tracks individually in an archived folder. so if there's one (or all) that you want to listen to obsessively over and over and over again (like i do because i am lame), YOU CAN. hooray for technology!

please don't forget that i am featuring at revolving door THIS WEDNESDAY, january 26, at the south halsted gallery, 1932 s. halsted. the event starts with an open mic at 730. there will be a dj, and BOOZE. admission is FREE. and the best part? i'm going to be there, reading some dumb shit, despite the fact that i am really sick again and on some new drugs that I CANNOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING. if i can show up, so can you. so come out and let me tickle your balls off, unless you hate shit that is awesome.


and sorry in advance, black friends. y'all finna HATE this playlist. ain't no gucci on it.