a couple days ago i took down all my online dating profiles. because 1 i don't enjoy being mocked by my goddamned computer. and i am not familiar enough with the etiquette of internet banging to really know what to do in most situations. i don't know how long to wait to message someone in response, and i don't have any fucking idea at what point real identities should be revealed and actual email addresses and phone numbers are exchanged. i rarely initiate conversation, because i take it personally when i don't get a response. cara is always like, "you can't take this dating shit personally," and i would like to know what robot that broad thought she was talking to. if the silence i receive after the composition of a witty yet not overtly aggressive near-perfect half of an internet conversation is not a rejection of ME, then who the fuck is it a rejection OF? sure, grandmothers die and dogs get run over and extraneous mitigating circumstances could prevent giantdick69 from emailing me back within the two days i think is courteous, but usually it just means he liked someone else better. and that is his right, but then why did he message me in the first fucking place?!and either my social circle is larger than i realized or chicago is shrinking more by the goddamned day, but 2 the only people i ever run across are usually people i already fucking know. and i like to pretend that behing the internet wall lies a world of interesting and magical people just waiting to fill up my dance card on a saturday night, not dudes i've already had sex with (yawn) who've dreamed up new personalities and shit. BLARF. first of all, i don't want to read how someone i know would market himself to appeal to the opposite sex. because i'm such an asshole that i can't help but sit there and pick all of the fabrications apart. one time i got a peek at the okcupid of this girl i know, and i just sat there dumbfounded at how she was TOTALLY LYING HER BALLS OFF. then i was immediately embarrassed both for her and myself and vowed never to look at anyone's secret internet fuck shit ever again. and second, i don't want anyone looking at MINE. i checked my shit the other night just because i'm a masochist, i guess, and in my list of "recent visitors" was a face i recognized as one i used to sit on and don't have particularly fond feelings for. i felt so weird and gross, like i'd caught someone reading my diary or something, and then i was like, "fuck it. taking this shit down. i'll put it back up in a year." and then i killed my secret fuck shit avatar, right after i got a good laugh at that dude's profile.
just about every day i troll craigslist looking for hilarious ads to post on my facebooks, and usually post the disgusting dudes who want to pay some bitch to shit in their mouths or whatever. a couple days ago i was skimming all of the daddy fantasies and solicitations for "drama-free NSAs" when i happened upon this gem that has restored my faith in hilarious people, which i will post in part and am sort of jealous that i didn't write myself. holy shit. the title is "my resignation letter to a dating website."
I put this up in my profile section of a dating website I was on in which the women were all carbon copies of one another:
First of all, I'm going to say something to ALL of you ladies on this website, and it's not going to be very nice. I apologize in advance, and I ask that when you READ the words that are about to be spewed at you from my profile, know that I'm saying it in the NICEST possible fashion. Imagine me in a tuxedo with a rose on my lapel, my hair's all combed back and parted as if by a tree saw, I have a big smile on my face and I just said something that made you all feel very beautiful. . .ok, ready?
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!? Oh. . .my. . .god. . .You have to be about the most narcissistic, childish, self absorbed, judgmental, aggrandizing, passive aggressive, TALKY bitches I've ever seen on a damned dating website. Save some for the conversation will ya? I mean let me get to KNOW you a little one on one so I can come to the conclusion that you're IN-FUCKING-SANE after we've actually communicated. Most of these profiles read like doctor's notes from a mental ward. I half expect that all of you fit in the time to WRITE these profiles in between wearing plastic slippers and playing tic-tac-throw before a group therapy session.
If you wear glasses, ride a bike to the vegetable stand, have 17 cats, and ONLY listen to vinyl? Go fuck some guy who wears Birkenstocks and cargo shorts in the trendy vegetarian coffee bar of the upscale neighborhood you live in. Why are you wasting my time HERE? This site is for guys like ME who want to meet women who I ACTUALLY have a shot with. The only way most of you would date me is if I rescued kittens on a unicycle while listening to shitty bands that nobody but YOU has ever heard of on my iPod. I can't afford an iPod, so go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry, but I DON'T ride a fucking bike. . .EVER! I'm a grown ass man and drive a car. Cats are disgusting because they poop IN a box IN your home, and vegetables? Vegetables are what my food eats. I just got out of a relationship recently and I gotta tell ya. . .if THIS is what the dating scene is like now? I'm taking the first bus off this planet. I'll go fuck a green chick like Kirk.
I think the MOST common 'trait' I've seen in ALL of your profiles is "I like to be sarcastic so you better be able to handle that." No, you DON'T like to be sarcastic. Here's a test of your sarcasm: If you are not laughing your ass off RIGHT now while reading this? You don't have a sarcastic bone in your body. You TOLD me in your profile that I 'better be able to handle your sarcasm'. . .THIS is sarcasm and if your face is red from anger right now? You don't know the definition of sarcasm and should be editing your profile instead of sending ME scathing retorts about what an asshole I am.
Another thing I've noticed about the women here is that if I'm not into EVERYTHING you are 100 percent? You want nothing to do with me. I'm sorry, but I've never HEARD of 'Penny Derby Roller Ball Curmdgeoning' and frankly it sounds silly and ignorant. If you meet a guy in a bar and you OPEN with that? He'll tell you to go fuck yourself, no matter HOW hot you are.
Dating sites used to be simple; you put a brief blurb about yourself and then TALKED to someone! Now it's a CIA biographical study complete with DNA sequencing compatibility. I may as well go back to trying my luck at the bar where I would inevitably end up talking to some viper nest haired chick whose only ambition in life is to be the hot girl at the bar that every guy wants to fuck. I'd have to listen to this dingbat stoner drone on and on and on about what Pink Floyd meant on the Dark Side of the Moon album cover, or how she should raise money to buy little coats for penguins because it must be cold all the way up in the Attic (yes, I talked to a girl in a bar once who thought the Arctic was called the Attic). And she could get away with blathering on like that because she KNEW that whoever she was ear raping with her nonsense wanted to fuck her. . .YOU DON'T HAVE THAT LUXURY! Because, as a guy on a dating website, I'm not allowed to want to fuck you.
It's bullshit. I have to be sweeter and kinder and gentler on these sites because without the gift of verbal inflection, YOU take everything I say as ME being an asshole. But on the other side of that I'm supposed to read YOUR shitty profile and be impressed because you have a flat stomach. . .fuck you, this is radio NOT tv.
Look, I'm sure all of your profiles would be great if you were ALL lesbians. I imagine that kind of insanity and brain farting is what a woman looks for in another woman. But for those of you looking to meet a man? Tell us why your last boyfriend was a dick, give us a REALISTIC view of what you want from a man, and tell us something just awful and shitty about yourself. You DON'T have to make yourself sound like Mother Theresa for Christ's sake. Have some humility, we've ALL done something shitty in life, to ourselves OR to someone else, but I LIKE it when a woman is self aware enough to, not only REALIZE she did something shitty, but be honest enough with herself AND me to admit it. Guys don't like a woman who's having a PERFECT life, not because we're mean, but because we like to feel that we can contribute or affect your life in a positive way. When you say everything is perfect? There's nothing for us to fix, and we fix things. . .that's what we do.
Another thing? I don't mind if you have a kid or 2, but I just read a young lady's profile that stated "I'm a 22 year old mother of 4, looking for a husband." WHAT? Are you kidding me? Twenty-two? What are the odds that all those kids have the same father? CALM fucking DOWN. What happened to just "I'd like to go on a date and see what happens?" When you tell me that you want someone to take care of your caravan of children, what's my incentive? Basically what you've conveyed to me is that some guy got to fuck you FOUR times, that we know of, while you were hot, and now you're looking for someone to deal with his leavings. Fuck you. You keep spawning like a tribble and you're gonna break your vagina bone.
Even the women who are NOT moms have profiles like 'looking for someone to spend my life with'. WHAT? I just want to throw a few burgers down your throat, listen to some music, and maybe make out on my couch for an hour hon, how bout we get through that and we'll see what happens. Don't put so much expectation on what could be a generally pleasant experience for the both of us. I mean, who goes on a date and says to themselves "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this guy." Ridiculous.
One girl I dated was impossibly beautiful, smart, and well educated. Problem? Narcissistic, corrected my spelling ALL the time, and fucked random married men as a sport. Next was the vegetarian hippie, she had an awesome energy, great in the sack, just fucking fun to be around. Problem? Wanted to stay single, alcoholic, and closed off. The last girl was a beautiful 20 year old CAN, problem? She cheated on me so much that the guys she fucked while we were dating could have formed their own softball league. Then there was the Peruvian voodoo dancer. . .although in retrospect, that one may have been my fault as curiosity got the best of me. If anyone out there knows a voodoo chant to get rid of a prehensile tail and ass warts, please let me know.
The point is that I'm just looking to get to know someone who can laugh, who can joke, and who can enjoy the occasionally ill timed fart. Why must you women tax me so? To be honest, I don't think this woman exists. That's why you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "How does THIS guy expect to get laid?" I don't. I give up, consider this profile my letter of resignation from the rollercoaster ride of dating. Off to the convent with me. But if what you've read here can help YOU update your profile and not sound like such a pain in the ass? So be it.
So, bottom line? Don't be 22 and tell us that Goddard is your favorite director; you're too young to be that pretentious. Don't tell us not to respond if we're looking for sex. . .we're ALL looking for sex. Even you. It's not something I expect on the first or even the second date, but it IS something that I'd like to have on a continuous basis with the same woman. . .but that end must justify the means. And most importantly? Don't tell us you want us to be funny and then get all offended when you read this. Laugh a little, at others AND yourself. Life's a joke. . .sometimes it's not so bad to be the punch line.
so i almost shit myself when i read this. SERIOUSLY. i told laura to stop whatever she was doing so that she could read it, too, and we literally were at our desks cryyyyying with laughter. it was everything i've ever wanted to say to these internet assholes and then some. because i know bitches is crazy, but DUDES SUCK, TOO. so much of this rant is just the most perfect, from the bike-riding vegetarians to the jerks who pretend to have a sense of humor (I FUCKING HATE THAT), and i read this shit three goddamned times just to make sure. i think sometimes i get frustrated and feel like this kind of thing is only happening to MY ASS, that everyone else is hooking up while i sit alone in my room feeling like an asshole because some dude who i bet has a small penis or a speech impediment art shamed me because i had no idea about some obscure painter he'd referenced in conversation. (that really happened. OMG.) i'm just trying to get some tacos and maybe a couple drinks while cracking some jokes, and it sucks that people want you to pass some sort of hipster skillz test just to see their private parts. i'm sorry, sir, but no i DON'T compost my own waste. nor have i read the collected works of that one philosopher whose name i've already forgotten. i just want to talk about pro wrestling and monster truck rallies.
i emailed the dude who wrote it because it would have been downright CRIMINAL not to. i don't like to let genius go unrecognized, so i wrote and said "this isn't about fucking, but your post is goddamned hilarious and i am going to put it in my stupid blog." then i told him where to find said stupid blog. and then i received this in response "Holy shit Sam, I was reading your blog and it's fucking great! Your blog is the polar opposite of mine. It's like you're me, but with a vagina! My blog is called 'General Douchebaggery' and it's like a companion to the book I'm writing about my exploits in dating. This is a link to a blog about my FIRST experience with internet dating. It's caustic, it's vulgar, it's sad, and it's mean. But more than any of that I hope it's funny." i have found my internet twin slash soulmate. now i'm going to go clean my glasses before i snuggle the cat while listening to that band you've never heard of.
ps, what are you doing tuesday night? if you've never before seen my glorious comedic storytelling live and in the flesh, do yourselves a fucking favor and come see me get in the proverbial ring at the death match. if i don't win, i'm blaming you. yes, YOU.
pps, they even put my FACE on THE GODDAMNED POSTER. cool shit, right? really, is it finally obvious what a huge celebrity i am, despite the fact that once i didn't know my phone was broken for three whole days because no one ever calls me? tuesday june 7 at the hideout, 1354 w. wabansia (in the CUT), doors at 630p show at 7p. white people 7p, for those of you jerks who have to arrive fashionably late to shit. if you act cute and show up at 730 and miss my goddamned shit, forcing me to LOSE MY ROUND because i have no fanclub to laugh at my jokes and make me feel special, then too effing bad. your loss. and, um, i guess mine, too. $5 in advance at literarydeathmatch.com, $8 at the door. i will do a striptease if you show up. JUST SAYING.
