Wednesday, July 20, 2011

summer beauty tips for the gross and lazy.

this is my real sink. and i want you to know that because i'm so well-mannered and considerate i wiped down all of the toothpaste spots and lipstick marks with comet and picked off the dried splatters of hair gel before i stood in the bathtub and took this crystal clear cell phone picture, because YES MY BATHROOM IS SO SMALL THAT I HAVE TO STAND IN THE TUB TO TAKE A SINK PICTURE. any straight dudes can just go ahead and check out of this post, because there will be no talk of anal sex or derek jeter's stats or whatever it is you want to talk about. this is for the vaginas.

do you hoes read beauty blogs? i usually don't, because the internet is filled with so much porn and celebrity gossip that reading what some asshole has to say about coral lipstick this season is that last thing on my browser's mind, but last weekend i was sitting in the bed that i pushed right up next to the window unit so that it might blow frigid air directly onto my sweaty summer skin, scrolling through a million fashion and beauty blogs written by "real" women instead of venturing outside to have my face fried off by the sun's laser rays, and i was getting super stoked because there were so many that were like "summer beauty essentials!" and "hot weather makeup solutions!" because i need to know what regular kind of deodorant regular bitches sweat through the least and what pantiliners really keep a damp girl bone dry on a hot day. so imagine my surprise at the first blog i checked, whose NUMBER ONE tip for looking good in the heat was to carry one of those evian brumisateur EIGHTEEN DOLLAR CANS OF GODDAMNED WATER around all day and mist yourself to "keep your complexion looking fresh." wut. can you imagine my face?! first of all, what would you do if you were on a packed bus whose windows were dripping with condensation crammed next to a bitch who was gently spritzing herself with water? punch her in the face? hit her over the head with that goddamned can?!

all of the posts i read were similar in their frivolity, and it made me feel like a gross asshole. like everyone else on the internets is all, "thank god she told me about that eyebrow highlighting kit!" with their perfect skin that's as cool as a popsicle, while my foundation is a shade too light and congealed in my face creases like bacon fat where it's not migrating down the side of my neck. and google was no fucking help, either, as my search for "beauty tips for sweaty bitches who glisten like roasted pigs in the middle of august" yielded zero results. SERIOUSLY. by the time i get to the train every morning i already look like i spent the night on a goddamned rotisserie. where are the helpful tips for THAT?!

then, of course, after my fruitless search for alternatives to stuffing dish towels in my bra when the humidity is above 80%, i decided instead to just write my own shit and share it with everyone else who is totally lazy and dirty and would be trying to spray that evian face water on their tongues. most of these broads lined their products up all nicely, surrounded by cute towels and shit for them to professionally photograph, but i don't have anything cute. fuck cute, no one comes over to my place anyway. plus i took this picture with my phone. i mean, come on. also, i didn't even realize the clorox wipes and candle were still on the sink until it was too late. HOLY SHIT, i couldn't move the goddamned air freshener?! what an asshole. and after my artful product installation tipped the fuck over THREE STUPID TIMES i just threw it all in the fucking sink. i tried, though. i really did.

your stinky ass. no one ever writes about how your meat and cheese get all rotten and disgusting in this nasty weather. WELL LET ME BE THE FIRST. this is probably too honest for the internet, but poo and pee comes out of there, plus it's all dank and swampy and warm. let's be for real, your vagina smells. so i like having a lot of soap options because it makes me feel like royalty even though i don't waste time washing any of my extremities, and i like kiehls coriander liquid soap because it smells good and i like to have a reason to go into barneys because i can neither fit nor afford the clothing. plus there's one near this jamaican restaurant i'm into in lincoln park and "i'm out of soap" is as good an excuse to get curry goat as any. there's also some kiss my face shower gel there, but i really only bought that shit because being in whole foods makes me feel like i want to live better and get my life together and use earth-friendly products, but then i get home and remember that I REALLY DON'T. so i shave with that shit because it cost twelve dollars and i can't bear to throw it out. and i like the smell of itchy eyes and hayfever, so i always keep a bottle of lush grass handy. but my real jam is l'occitane verbena bar soap, which makes your vag smell good and clean even when you have your period, i'm not kidding. so go buy some of that. TRUST.

your disgusting armpits. first, a confession: i finally shaved under my arms. crazy, right?! and i'm not too proud to say that i did 3/4 of the work with a beard trimmer because my razor was all, "bitch, please." i've spent months cultivating that armpit foliage! i think hairy pits are earthy and sexy, and if you don't i guess i understand. no, i really don't. here's the thing, the alternative is nicked-up gross skin that is perpetually black-ish green with stubble. that's attractive?! NO, IT IS NOT. i write all the time about how much i love to put my face in an armpit and inhale a person's homegrown musk (hippies LOVE THAT SHIT), so it was with great sadness that i used a miniature lawn mower to cut down my overgrown hedges. but i had to, because i was sweating like some sort of barnyard animal every day and it occured to me that maybe my secret lemongrass mineral anti-perspirant might not be effective through my armfro. two days with pits like a bald fucking eagle and i am still the sweatiest bastard EVER, so there goes that theory. and i will never buy that clinical strength deodorant because 1 i don't want to admit that my odor-causing bacteria is next level disgusting and 2 NINE DOLLARS FOR ONE STICK OF DEODORANT IS CRAY. so you dudes can taste test deodorants and email me if there's anything that works without burning the armpits out of your goddamned shirt.

your horrifying thighs, legs, and feet. my biggest pet peeve, of course, was the refusal of these lovely ladies to acknowledge that bitches need to attack their grody hooves with power sanders right before they liberally sprinkle themselves from bra to calf with gold bond powder. they obviously get some sort of sick joy out of pretending that they don't produce enough chub rub friction to power a generator and they never get crusty white heels. and that's cool, jerks. my beat-the-heat tactic is to never wear pants, and my beat-the-incredibly-painful-raw-skin-plus-ingrown-hair-thigh-chafe tactic is in that little blue tube behind the candle, monistat fat girl cellulite gel. oh, that's not really what it's called, but let's pretend. FOR FUN. you buy it in the yeast infection aisle, which i am no longer embarrassed to be caught loitering in, and it's this clear jelly that dries to a powdery finish and keeps your touching thighs from smelling like cooked bacon when you wear a dress. GO GET YOU SOME.

professional pedicures cause me to develop stress diarrhea, so i try to limit myself to getting one only if i think i might be having sex. which i haven't been, so it isn't an issue. instead i use that big purple mr. pumice bar on the right to whittle my feet into being acceptable for public consumption. i'm not sure why those OPI bottles are there, because as much as i enjoy purchasing nail polish i hardly ever paint my nails. here's a trick for filthy, lethargic people who hate bending at the waist unless it's absolutely necessary: keep your toenails short and don't paint them. seriously, nothing looks gnarlier than chipped polish, so unless you're going to buy topcoat and apply three base layers and use fancy drying oil (essie to dry for pictured here) omg holy shit, I'M ALREADY TIRED. just the thought of crunching my guts to try not to slather "vodka and caviar" all over the side of my little piggies makes me want to die, let alone trying to keep it looking nice. that's for fancy people with flat stomachs or whatever.

here's something i love, though: EXFOLIATING. in addition to removing every possible layer of foot callous with that pumice bar, i keep, like, five jars of h20+ sea pure under my sink. it's greasy, and you'll definitely fall and nearly crack your skull open trying to use that oily, salty shit, but cheating death is TOTALLY WORTH IT. i love sloughing all my dead skin cells down the drain, and scrubs are the new fountain of youth for poor bitches who can't afford botox and chemical peels. lotion is lotion so who cares, but i like kiehls coriander because it smells like someone you'd want to snuggle up to, and i'm trying to use every tool at my disposal. it's desperate out here.

your flat, stringy hair and dried-out man hands. when i was sixteen i shaved off all my hair, and ever since then my natural curly hair has been in various stages of growing out and getting cut. so if you kinky-haired black girls want to know what i use i'll email you, but i have no universal tips other than i clarify my shit once a week with aveda shampure, and you probably should, too. the rest of the week i alternate between terax and nizoral, which is for bitches with yucky scalp drama. my hands are the worst, and i take terrible care of them, but i do keep a bar of lush sandstone in the soap dish to scrub all the nastiness off of them. it's also good on scaly knees and elbows which, if you're like me, you know way too much about.

your greasy face. i have the best real person skin you've ever seen in your life, and here are my tricks: tacos, carbonated beverages, lady gaga's "heavy metal lover" on blast at all times, occasionally sleeping with a face full of blush, and philosophy the microdelivery exfoliating wash. it's incredible. it's like slime mixed with sand, and you wash with it once a day (i use purity made simple for the second wash if i remember to before i go to bed) and use hope in a jar afterward, then your skin glows like a baby angel's ass and is as soft as a baby duck. AMAZING. and i'm not gonna front, i have to use clinique clarifying lotion (numbers 3 and 4) to soak up the exxon spill that is my t-zone, and for the rare occasion that i anticipate being in the sun for longer than 30 seconds, i have a bottle of kiehls facial moisturizer spf 15. that shit is fifty bucks, though, and for that amount of money it should be giving me orgasms or something, and it DON'T.

my most favorite face things, though, are smashbox primer (worth the money) and mac blush. i like big red doll cheeks, and i have a pallette full of mac blushes. devil, dolly mix, azalea, EVERYTHING. they are the brightest, and they won't sweat down your fucking face. i don't use eye makeup because it's impossible to make it look nice in this wretched heat, and if you want to know about false eyelashes and tweezers lip pencils imma have to refer you to one of my tranny pals. BUT i will say that i know you girls love lipglass and juicy tubes, but the best lip gloss on the market HANDS DOWN is dior addict. the shade here is called pink flash or something (i really don't know), and the shit is PERFECT. no gloppy semen mouth, no chunks of glitter crusted in the bow of your lip, no sticky super glue impossible to eat a sandwich effect. i hate talking to a bitch with lip gloss herpes all over her mouth. BLARF.

in cuntclusion, it's nearly impossible to be even marginally attractive when the weather feels like the inside of someone's mouth. you're sweating and radiating heat, you smell bad, your clothes are sticking awkwardly in your crevices, and you're probably breathing with your mouth open and wiping condensation from your upper lip every thirty seconds. i know everyone is obsessed with the idea of a hot and steamy summer romance, but do you really want to be having sex with a brand new person during the grossest season of the year? NO YOU DO NOT. so stop trying to be sexy, just do the bare minimum and strive for "presentable." and even then you'll fail, as we all do, but at least your vagina will smell like lemons. it's the little things.

speaking of hot summer beauty, read this sexy article about me: