wouldn't you rather be dead than hot? i am 100% OVER people pretending that open-mouthed breathing in 1000% humidity while being burned to a crisp by the sun is the shit. i like winter, when everyone has to be bundled beyond recognition to survive. or fall, when you can wear something nice without sweating it sheer in the goddamned heat. too bad i can't afford to pack my shit and move to alaska, because the minute i start seeing unfortunate tank tops and booty shorts my SAD kicks in and my happy doesn't return until late in september. and then i cover it up with a scarf.you dudes can't expect the rest of us to believe that you enjoy painfully peeling your seared flesh from plastic chairs in your SHORTS while everyone in the restaurant is staring at the armpit stubble revealed by your TANK TOP, can you? and i'm not hating, i like to let my shit hang, too. just not when it's obviously uncomfortable. i'm always baffled when these hot weather enthusiasts try to convince you how totally awesome it is to be standing around outside in air that's as thick as soup trying to pick the char off of smoldering ribs and hot dogs. WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON TO A SWEATY BEER THAT WON'T STAY COLD. would it be so bad if we at this inside? at a table that is sturdy? where no flies can shit on my plate while i'm trying to balance it on my goddamned knees?!
the other day i was on the bus with this broad who was busting out of some cutoff jeans rolled up to her cervix and her little sister's camisole, and i thought to myself, "now why wear that? she's in visible discomfort, and i can smell her thighs chafing." if i have to pull some article of clothing up or down or OUT too many times while wearing it, i throw that shit the fuck out. it's impossible to look sexy, let alone cool or comfortable or relaxed, while yanking at a hem all night. you knew that shit was too short, gurl. now take that shit back to baby gap.
summertime is full of this, people using the warm weather as an excuse to air out their labia and beer bellies. and that's fine, i'm just not buying that it feels good. summer makes it impossible to get a table anywhere awesome without a three-hour wait, and if they happen to have a patio?! pffft, FOUR DAYS MINIMUM. the beach is gross and i don't understand why anyone would ever want to swim in the warm diarrhea that is lake michigan, but every day there are people streaming past my building with colorful umbrellas and towels the size of bedsheets poking out of the mesh bags slung over their shoulders while i shake my head and think about all of the e.coli they'll be swallowing.
fireworks are a fucking disaster and omnipresent from june 15th to august 1st, and i haven't seen the hands blown off of nearly enough children to make up for all of the gunshot sounds blasting through the alley all goddamned night and interrupting my television programs. helen keller keeps it G'd up and even that bitch barricades herself in an empty kitchen cabinet for half of goddamned july. plus kids are out of school right now, and i would really like for someone who LOVES SUMMER to make a case on behalf of the season that fills every movie theater, shopping mall, and moderately-priced casual dining restaurant with droves of screaming teenagers, yelling at the top of their lungs while texting bitches THREE SEATS AWAY. i'd prefer my southwest eggrolls and sizzling fajitas without a side of teenage angst, please and thank you.
that said, i made you kids something excellent and now i'm going to give it to you. every season i make myself a mix or two of songs that charge me up and make me feel good, and when i put together my summer one the other day i thought, "damn bitch, you need to be posting these in your blog." so here's my summer 2011 mini dance party mix:
http://www.mediafire.com/?qb1xfyzhb7uyb15
click the link, download the file, unzip the folder, then drag the tracks into wherever you store your computerized music. then turn that shit up and JAMMMMM. i'm going to try to do this seasonally, because it really takes my computer so fucking long to upload these giant files and while i understand that maybe i should upgrade my machine i would much rather spend all of that money on wedge boots and bodycon dresses. so there. enjoy!
