if you squint really hard you might be able to just make out his tiny little embryo penis. JUST KIDDING, BITCH. the only things i might have floating around my belly are a couple tacos and five or six extra-strength advil. oh, and maybe a split of champagne. anyway, i had to get your goddamned attention somehow. i can't fucking compete with redtube and espn.com and scarlet johansson's nipples and shit without employing some trickery, but now that i've got you here, please be advised that I AM DOING A NEW BLOG. on the real. my friend ian belknap and i rubbed our megabytes together and are proudly giving birth to the most amazingly hilarious advice column since the dawn of man. best internet baby ever. I'M NOT SHITTING YOU.
from ian's blog: Ian Belknap is a writer/performer living in Chicago. Currently he serves as the Dean of Mean at The Paper Machete, the Minister of Veracity for The Encylopedia Show , and Host and Overlord of WRITE CLUB.
His highly regarded live memoir show Wide Open Beaver Shot of My Heart: A Comedy With a Body Count debuted in the Rhino Theater Fest and was later produced at The Neo-Futurists. He is curator/host of the shows Something Wicked This Way Comes (seven deadly sins-themed monologues), which appeared at Rhino Fest and later at The Garage at Steppenwolf, and Ian's Dog & Pony Show (it's a big world of funny - let's all play nice) which gathered solo performers, improv, sketch, and stand-up in a comedy mashup. He used to be an actor, but did not find this sufficiently interesting to continue with it. He used to be a stand-up comedian, but had not the patience for it.
i don't have anything nearly as fancy as that asshole's "about me," so some of this is from my now-defunct match.com profile: samantha irby is a shithead who writes a blog for jerks called "bitches gotta eat." she isn't particularly smart or talented but has somehow fooled the ENTIRE INTERNET into reading her ridiculous and hateful, yet somehow (bowel) moving and hilarious, blog vomit. samantha is a lazy, whining complainer who will most likely never find a husband because she would rather eat cookie dough and watch sons of anarchy than give some undeserving shitstain a blowjob, but that hasn't stopped her from writing "loves giving head" in the paragraph section of this application to trick you into asking her out on a date. she's mean, she talks a lot of shit, and she will totally put visine in your dinner if you mouth off to her too goddamned much. so like i said, she writes a dumb blog (yawn), performs "comedy" all over chicago (just the north side, really), and is the inimitable co-host of the sunday night sex show. which is a literary reading series (nerd) about fucking (YAY). also, she smells really fucking good ALL THE TIME. seriously. next time you're near her get close. irbyandian.com is going to be amazing, but give us a few weeks before you decide you hate it and shit. as a matter of fact, bookmark it in case you forget. and keep checking it. like, every day. even if you only have a minute. so PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE go read our new blog, then PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH SUGAR AND METHAMPHETAMINES go like our new facebook page, and i promise the shit won't fucking suck and will be totally awesome and hilarious. and do you think you could "follow" it, too? my fragile ego can't handle having zero followers. and don't worry, imma still post shit here once a week. I SWEAR TO GOD. i won't even fake it and halfass some bullshit. as a matter of fact, i might even double the testicles just to show you how much i fucking care. love you, now go read my new shit.
ps, if you love ian more than you love me I WILL KILL MYSELF. don't comment on his posts more than you comment on mine. i mean, i guess you can. just know that you will be killing me slowly. from the inside.
