Tuesday, July 23, 2013

hey, nice tits.

if we are attracted to each other and got into a steamy situation and you took off my bra and saw a HUGE birthmark on my whole left breast down to my ribs is it going to turn you off? even if it is just a one night stand? this thing bothers me a lot. i'm scared that no man could ever want to have sex with me.

if i was a man and you and i were in a steamy situation and you let me take your bra off i would think TITTIES TITTIES OMG BOOBS TITS BREASTS JUGS JUGS CANS TITTIES TRY NOT TO CUM TOO SOON BRO TITTIES IN MY MOUTH NOM NOM NOM BOOBS. have you ever seen a dog food commercial? those assholes don't come bounding over to the food bowl, skid to a cartoonish halt, then stop to read the label on the bag to make sure that shit is made from 100% organic venison meat with no artificial flavors or added preservatives. NO SIR THEY DO NOT. they instead start wagging and salivating and then those motherfuckers just start GOING OFF. kibbles and bits splattering everywhere. om nom nom gromph. i wish i could show you my weird, long national geographic tits without getting kicked off the fucking internet. basically, here's what they look like: three or four different shades of light to medium brown, speckled with moles and hair follicles, giant wrinkly areolas with the tiniest human nipples you've ever seen (seriously i have cat nipples), an old bite mark that never properly healed, and probably other weird stuff that i can't even see underneath them. THEY ARE SO GNARLY. and who the fuck ever wants to see gnarly fucking tits? i'll tell you who: anyone i've ever had sex with. maybe if i took my shirt off in the middle of target some dude might walk by and say, "bitch, you need surgery," but never in the history of ever has anyone confronted in a dark, sweaty room with my weird (read: perfectly goddamned normal) boobs run screaming for the exit. i have a giant red birthmark on my belly that i don't even bother to mention! and if anyone asks about it i say, "THAT'S AIDS" real loud and dare him to overreact. the hard part is over, sister. once he's naked in your bedroom the rest should be cake. CAKE IN A DOG BOWL.

my boobs are literally running away from each other! i'm a C cup and the space between them is like the freakin' grand canyon. i feel like a train could pass between them. my bf's never seen me naked and i'm really scared of his reaction (i also have stretch marks). i've always been insecure about my body, to the point of hating it.

i want to know how i can get away with never being naked in front of someone i'm dating. is that even a real thing?! i always end up with those dudes who are like, "NO T-SHIRT" when i show up at bedtime wearing my sex outfit: my cracked house glasses, a grease-spotted v-neck t-shirt that i am actively taste-testing old crumbs off of (when did i last have a gyro?), and the biggest panties i can fucking find. where are the "just slide your pajama pants to your knees and mute the real housewives for seven minutes" dudes? I'M HERE FOR YOU.

i'm 18 and only one guy has seen me naked. he made negative comments about my body and said that i have "boy tits." i recently met a new guy who i would like to be intimate with and although he compliments my body a lot, i can't help but start crying every time we try to do anything. my repulsive body is making it hard to change this. help?

oh man, being young is hard. SO FUCKING HARD. if i ever make enough money to do something for anyone other than myself i am going to start one of those "it gets better" campaigns for teenage girls. i don't want dan savage to sue me so i'ma have to call it some shit like "everyone is fucking disgusting" or whatever, but i'm doing it. when you're a kid you haven't seen enough weathered, scar-ravaged regular bodies to know that the beastly meat carcass you've had the misfortune of being saddled with is equally horrifying as everyone else's. that's right, when the only naked flesh you've ever seen has been on primetime television and in the pages of magazines some jagoff can say something like "boy tits" to you and ruin your entire fucking life. because you think everyone on earth is beautiful and perfect except you. seriously, i grew up thinking that me and roseanne were the only fat people in america. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. in ten years, after some dude has knocked his hairy, sweat slick belly and ankle-grazing testicles against your forehead while slamming his flaccid little tubesteak repeatedly into your mouth while trying to point out your back acne, you will have the last goddamned laugh. and it will sound like that boy tits guy whimpering in his doctor's office while begging  for viagra. insecure assholes engage in emotional terrorism like this; STOP CRYING AND PAY HIM NO ATTENTION. i hope that dude gets skull-fucked by a bear.

why do guys like playing with women’s breasts and nipples so much? i mean, they aren’t the ones feeling anything, the women are. i find it amazing, but other than pleasing me, what’s the appeal?

OTHER THAN PLEASING ME. FULL FUCKING STOP. what kind of selfish pieces of shit have we been letting prolapse our rectums and infect us with crabs?! now that i'm in my thirties and smart, i no longer bang dudes who don't ask me what my sex jam is and then do it until i push them off of me because catfish is about to come on. when i was a dumb kid i would let dudes get away with only having their favorite type of sex because i was terrified that they'd be like, "take what you can get, ugly." so then i'd end up spending two hours trying to arrange myself comfortably in a reverse cowgirl and pretending that shit felt good. NO MORE. now i'm just like, "you have to lick my asshole for as long as i want and then maybe i'll touch your balls for thirty seconds." and if that doesn't work GTFO. isn't it nice to have a man actually want to do things just for your benefit? follow up question: is it really so hard to believe that he might actually enjoy doing it just because?! IMAGINE THAT. i hate this sitcom idea that every woman is angrily conceding to give up her once a month blowjob and that every man is grudgingly eating us out every time we get a little bitchy. like giving head is akin to getting waterboarded or whatever. some people actually enjoy sucking a dick, okay?!

why don't guys listen to me? they always look at my breasts or my ass and its really REALLY annoying!

please help: how is a gentleman looking at your ass while you are carrying on a conversation with him? do conversation starters only come to you while bent over in doggystyle? or do you have one of those, as mos def referred to them, asses so fat that you can see it from the front? even if you do, i'm sure it's mostly hipmeat and side thigh. here's the thing, tho: you should probably try to be more interesting. GO READ SOME SHIT.

what will happen if a guy sucks a girl's tits? does the size of the boobs increase?

here's a secret: if i had to pick one and only one sex act to be on the receiving end of for the rest of my natural life THIS WOULD BE IT. some strapping, handsome pound of beef on his knees suckling my tits for a few minutes is hands-down my only necessary sex. I'M OVER PENETRATION. my soulmate, in addition to being understanding that having his own house that i don't ever have to clean is a total dream come true, will also understand that phone sex and nipple clamps are almost as good as actually being in the same room. actually, it will probably smell better and be way less whiny and annoying, especially if his sheets don't look that clean. i can't see your dirty bed linens through the phone, bro! now tell me which hole you want to put it in! i'm not a fucking scientist, but i'd say from personal experience that the only thing that increases from having your boobs in some hot stud's mouth is the size of your orgasm. i can't even write about this anymore, i'm getting too turned up. IT'S THE BEST. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. BUY NEW BRAS IF YOUR TITS GROW. WORTH IT FOREVER.

can guys feel a girl's boobs when they hug? is that why guys are always giving me hugs? also, what's the deal with a side hug. those are awful.

the christian side hug solely exists so you don't feel a dude's boner pressed into your understomach when he hugs you because he can feel your tits. you know what a mess my life would be if i had a goddamned penis? if my dick got hard with the same frequency my pussy gets wet motherfuckers would throw my ass in prison for sure. and i would deserve it, because i would just be walking around the grocery store in yoga pants with a raging boner poking out the eyes of waist-high children. if a good-looking bus driver smiles at me for a second too long my vulva swell up like a pilsbury grand biscuit in a pre-heated oven by the time i reach my fucking seat. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DUDES DO THIS. if a dude full frontal hugs me for more than ten seconds i have to excuse myself to soak up my engine's leaking motor oil with a fistful of paper towels, but at least no one can see that shit. if i was a dude i'd be on some kind of watch list. i would have zipper burn on my shaft 99.8% of the time. monday morning i woke up from this excruciatingly vivid dream in which i was thisclose to getting oral from chiwetel ejiofor and that shit fucked my whole day up. i apologize to anyone who had the misfortune of running into me yesterday, because no that was not a roasted salmon you were smelling. MY VAGINA WAS ON FIRE. but, because she's tucked inside, you couldn't see her. bullet, dodged.

how much should i try to be myself before i just give up and get some nice tits?

a couple months ago i was absentmindedly digging in my nose while sitting on a bench at the park adjacent to the beach just down the street from my apartment when i was approached by a reasonably attractive young man. it was six-thirty in the morning and i had just completed my leisurely mile walk around the bike path; i like to go for a little morning constitutional before spending the rest of the day lying under the air conditioner eating snacks. anyway, i was dressed like a stylish hobo who marginally cares about her physical fitness, not the kind of person you'd really stop and talk to while out exercising your purebred viszla puppies. especially not when she is extracting bloody mucus clots from her faceholes. i have allergies, man. IT CANNOT BE HELPED. anyway, i'm coughing up chunks of green shit when this dude walked past and smiled while making ALL OF THE EYE CONTACT. shameless, despite being covered in pink snot, i cleared my throat and said, "cute dogs." his smile broadened. "thank you!" he beamed, turning to walk away. after approximately an eighth of a second he glanced back at the bench where i was wrestling a particularly stubborn bat out of the cave. "hey, nice tits." DUDE, FUCK BEING INTERESTING. titties are everything.