Monday, July 6, 2015

the case against guacamole.

i don't really pay attention to what barack obama tweets. but last week i was scrolling through my timeline and saw that your boy (ie some lowly staffer assigned to the task) tweeted: respect the nyt, but not buying peas in guac. onions, garlic, hot peppers. classic. WHAT DID YOU SAY, MY DUDE. IS THIS THE MAN I WOULD'VE VOTED FOR IF I CARED EVEN A LITTLE BIT ABOUT VOTING. what tf does he care about guacamole, i thought. then i logged onto facebook to find that no fewer than 137 people rage-linked a new york times recipe that suggested adding green peas to guacamole and bitches was flipping the fuck out, writing outraged status dissertations lamenting just how erroneous a choice that was. but guys: guacamole is disgusting. why aren't you all lathered up about things that matter, like motherfuckers who make chicken salad with too-big, uneven celery chunks and/or (gasp) put grapes in that shit!?

DO YOU GUYS NOT KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN WISCONSIN MAKING THEIR OWN SUSHI AT HOME RIGHT NOW. who gives a shit about gross guacamole when somewhere in america someone is putting a slice of american cheese on top of a plate of perfectly acceptable spaghetti? some misguided asshole is putting a jar of miracle whip in his grocery cart and we're all talking about guacamole!? fuck it, i'm moving to canada. we've already established that second to cream-based dips tacos are the most perfect food group, and everyone i love is always like "can we get a guacamole to start?" when we go the the taqueria, especially if it's the kind of place where they wheel the avocado cart over to the table while you squirm uncomfortably in your privilege feeling guilty about asking for a little less cilantro. you know it's gonna maybe be too spicy but you can't ask her to make it less spicy because maybe the problem is just your gringo tongue and you don't want to be insulting. i am never insulting. i love mexican food and i'm going to shut up and eat this fiery diarrhea because polite.

i'm just not a fan of the avocado. there is nothing you could mix it into or artfully arrange it on top of that would make the original dish more appealing to me. now you already know. if you like it i love it. i want you to do whatever you want to do, as much as you want to do it. but i have the right to hold my nose and make wretched child faces across the table from you while you do. because:

1 what does guacamole even taste like? i know, i'm a stupid asshole, but i want all my guacamole lovers to do me a flavor and describe what guacamole tastes like without using any of the ingredients you add to it. granted, this is a difficult assignment no matter what the food. i'm not sure i could articulate what a pancake tastes like, but i also wouldn't take to the twitters to vilify a writer who added raspberries to hers. so many purists pissed off about something that was terrible to begin with. i will change my mind if anyone can describe that shit in a way that makes it sound palatable. but you can't. i'll go first: probably bland brownish-green mush that tastes like crunch lumps.  NOW YOU GO.


2 it's too easy to destroy. oh sure, i've had it before. i tried to join in the fun. but i don't like fun. guacamole is one of those pretend fun food items that, even when tolerable which is maybe .001% of the time, if the person making it adds so much as one extra grain of salt the entire thing is ruined. a little too much cumin, not enough cayenne, lemon juice instead of lime: the whole bowl may as well be garbage. there's no salvaging it, either. a few too many red onions, not enough cracked black pepper: BASURA. why do people insist on having it at parties, like the minute you pull that chunky green pudding out of the refrigerator a corona commercial is gonna break out? not if you are heavy handed with the roma tomatoes, my guy. just get a couple jars of tostitos queso and let's party down for real. it's probably even on sale at target.

3 everyone has his own "way" of making it. much like chili, chocolate chip cookies, scrambled eggs, red sauce, HOLY FUCKING SHIT POTATO SALAD: foods that people experiment with or have their own interpretations of ("nah see, the way i make my macaroni is to boil the noodles in miracle whip and use old shoes in place of the cheese") are usually horrible. i don't mean adding a little chicken broth and heavy cream to your mashed potatoes (delicious), i mean putting a bunch of boiled cauliflower into a food processor and serving that saltless mushpile as mashed potatoes. why don't you care about hurting my heart. i'm talking about when a person intentionally added raisins to meatloaf and served it to me as if it was real food. i cried at the table. WHY YOU GOTTA BE CUTE. that shit has three ingredients: meat, eggs, and loaf. jesus god the list drags interminably on. cornbread, "fancy" peanut butter and jelly, chicken noodle soup, people who put fruits and shit in stuffing, tuna fish, garlic bread, deviled eggs, FRIED CHICKEN, greens, spaghetti (why tf is there sugar in this), jell-o mold, noodle kugel, seven layer salad, crab dip, lasagna, overly complicated salsas, SLOPPY JOE, adding nuts to shit that doesn't need nuts, grilled cheese (get those pears off my sandwich), pound cake, baked beans, grits, beef fucking stew: all things that rarely taste the same from one house to the next. my sisters grew up under the same fucking roof! would eat: carmen's pork chops. would not eat: janie's pork chops. OUR MOM IS THE SAME, LADIES. why is one the maker of delicious collard greens and the other one janie!? (to her credit, her yams are spectacular.) guacamole is no different. it's all purportedly the same damn shit (avocados, garlic, jalapeños, sad feelings) yet no one ever makes it the same way twice.

4 it leaves your tongue feeling like it has lotion on it. or like you just ate a bowl of butter, but worse. and then it just sits there in your belly, making your throat slick and your mouth taste like aftervomit until you drink enough modelo to cover it up.

4a MOTHERFUCKING CILANTRO. "did you rinse this bowl after you washed it? yeah, i know you said you washed the dishes but did you rinse out this bowl? the one the guacamole is in? is the dishwasher on the fritz again? i swear this bowl tastes like undiluted dish soap. are you sure you rinsed it all the way clean? this guacamole tastes like it's full of dawn! i'm literally nauseous after eating it because it tastes so soapy. maybe we should dump this batch and make another in a clean bowl. make sure you use hot water. oh wait, what? you doubled the cilantro this time? that explains this deathfeeling in my mouth. feel free to go die."

5 watching a person eat guacamole is easily in the top five worst things. i can't tell if that chip is coming or going, honestly. IS THIS BITCH EATING OR THROWING UP. if we're being totally real with each other watching anyone eat anything is totally disgusting, but watching a human consume guacamole is the tenth circle of hell. you may as well be dragging that chip that's totally about to break in half across a baby diaper. then you gotta open your mouth awkwardly wide to shovel it in without getting gloops on your shirt, and even if you're successful you definitely have clotted grey-green goo clumped in your mouth corners. i mostly eat alone at home in the dark, because i care about people. i will never subject another sentient being to my consumption of: ribs (please don't ever make me "your version" of ribs), buffalo wings (omg), a popsicle or ice cream cone, yogurt, or oversized pizza. mostly because i'm on nutrisystem now but also because those are private foods. anything that you wouldn't eat in a nice shirt is best enjoyed on your bed, surrounded by napkins, with the tv on. doesn't food just taste better after you've taken your bra off? this is why i don't like sitting outside at a restaurant, all the eyeballs leeching the deliciousness out of my dinner. and i know from being a hideous, disgusting foodbeast. yesterday at brunch i pulled a stringy clump of dry pot roast i'd been gnawing on out of my mouth because i was afraid of choking to death on it and hid it under the bread i'm not eating these days. brooke looked at me like i'd given birth at the fucking table. AT LEAST IT WASN'T GUACAMOLE, OKAY. that would've been a million times worse.


maybe i'm crazy. maybe i need to get some from an authentic mexican. maybe i just need to try your guacamole and i'll change my mind. because it's your mom's handed down recipe and see what you gotta do is slice the onions this way and mince the garlic that way and the avocado needs to be just a hair underripe and room temperature and stirred counterclockwise, see? my guacamole is delicious. and i'm open to it, i guess? maybe i just haven't had the right one. MAYBE IT JUST NEEDS TO HAVE PEAS IN IT.