Tuesday, December 22, 2015

ho-ho-horrible.

¡feliz navidad! because of [sam and helen's] continued commitment to environmental stewardship (not the hippie kind), they've decided to make their first-ever christmas letter a digital version. this has nothing to do with the fact that they are [last-minute ne'er-do-wells] putting sam through her final year of [working for slave wages while teetering on the brink of suicide], resulting in a lack of funding for the hundreds of stamps required to send an actual paper letter to [the four people who would open an envelope with our return address on them]. [sam] has been [scouring the internet for holiday letters to use as a blueprint], however [helen and sam] are lacking two major christmas-letter components: kids and pets [that aren't helen]. [helen] no longer enjoyed [living in a tiny apartment on the north side of chicago] so she packed up and [moved her ass to michigan with mavis]. [sam] has kept herself very busy, filling her days with [complaining, taking psychotropic drugs, and not missing her mean-ass hateful-ass garbage-ass cat even one bit]. we are thankful for time spent [alone in a dark room in front of the television with our phones on silent] and hope you also enjoy time with your loved ones. [inoffensive generalized holiday salutation] to you, and we're [not praying, are you kidding me?] for you as the new year begins!

IT'S THE MOST TERRIBLE TIME OF THE YEAR. listen, i'm not mad if you and yours like to gather around a brightly-lit tree dripping with homemade ornaments and tinsel or a fired-up menorah dripping wax all over your ikea particleboard furniture, but some of us just want a lifetime movie marathon and a carton of store-bought eggnog to drink in our stained pajamas and to never have to pretend that thing you wrapped in newspaper that you picked up next to the register at walgreens is an acceptable gift as you demand to watch me open it. just buy me a beer sometime, janice. OR DON'T. when i was a kid i knew that while my friends were waking up to new bikes and nintendos on christmas morning that i would be lucky to find one of the modest toys i'd circled as i painstakingly scoured the sears catalog under our raggedy tree, and man that shit sticks with you. that's why now that i have credit cards and paychecks with commas in them i treat every day like christmas. if i want it i get it. and pay for expedited shipping. and i don't feel bad about it because santa never brought me that kid sister doll i wanted even though i dutifully ate all my carrots at dinner every night and i fucking hate carrots. 

i'm over all this holiday garbage. again. bring on the new year so i can make a list of unattainable goals that will likely not make it to valentine's day. it is december fucking 22 and i have no idea what to get for anyone in my life who doesn't want a pair of socks with a collage of drake faces on them. wanna know how old i am? my recent search history is full of shit like "loose-fitting socks" and my amazon wishlist is nothing but medicated skin creams and scented candles. i went out partying the other night and let me tell you how that looked: i 1 practically sobbed while putting on real clothes at 8pm on a motherfucking saturday 2 got in the back of some stranger's car because i thought it was my uber 3 forgot to eat some bread before i left the house to soak up the entire bottle of champagne we ended up drinking 4 watched helpless as a toddler in a bebe dress spilled whiskey sour on my $400 custom orthopedic shoes 5 went to the club wearing $400 custom orthopedic shoes 6 tried to still feel cool when the bartender called me "ma'am" 137 times 7 plugged my ears because the music was too loud :-/ and 8 woke up the next afternoon swollen and dehydrated and smelling like your nephew. WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE ALREADY.

thank god i have hating my job as a distraction, otherwise i'd be sitting at home clutching a tear-stained pillow to my bosom while lolcrying because none of my kisses begin with kay. it's the commercials that really fuck you up, right? every year there wasn't a red ribboned jeep double parked at the hydrant outside my crib (who tf has a driveway, this is the goddamn city) i would punch a hole in my stupid tv. christmas is the pits, especially when you're not rich slash not fucking anybody rich. even if you have good taste and buy the best gifts it's still kind of a letdown; last year i bought mavis the fanciest record player money can buy and after she opened it we both were like "oh okay now what." the most exciting thing in my stocking was a bag of cantaloupe jelly bellies. why are we doing this to ourselves!? let's just do a salt scrub and sleep for three days straight, cool?

2015 HOLIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE.


make some snacks. special occasion menu time! so first i was like "let me just find some regular recipes because fuck it it's the fucking holidays" but then i was all "IF I GOTTA EAT THIS TRASH THESE NERDS SHOULD, TOO." the first thing people always ask me, after "how is it possible for a person to be covered in nervous sweat 23+ hours a day?" is "what on earth could you possibly eat now that delicious dairy and animal products are no longer a part of your daily life?" and the truth is: NOT THAT FUCKING MUCH. i easily have 17 vegan cookbooks stacked in my tiny kitchen, because ordering cookbooks off the internet is fucking easy. you know what isn't? navigating all the health aisles at whole foods trying to locate nutritional yeast and textured vegetable product then trying to find room to fit my dignity next to them in my reusable recyclable bag. i'm not interested in fake bacon and chicken nuggets made out of soy, so i mostly just eat rice that i cook with vegetable bouillon and vegetarian refried beans for every meal. this year i'm not cooking a goddamned thing because we booked a room at a fancy hotel downtown, so i'm going to spend the savior's birthday trying to find suitable foods on an overpriced room service menu LOL JK I'M GOING TO SEVEN LIONS THEN GETTING A HANGOVER PIZZA. but here are some dips i will guiltily make next week and shame-eat on a treadmill:

hot corn dip (from vegan coach)
2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
3 1/2 cups corn kernels (4 ears fresh white or yellow corn)
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 cup finely chopped yellow onions
1/2 cup finely chopped organic red bell peppers
1/4 cup chopped green onions (green and white parts)
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1/2 cup vegan mayonnaise (1/2 to 1 cup, to taste)
4 ounces vegan monterey jack cheese, shredded
4 ounces vegan cheddar cheese, shredded
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
tortilla chips, for maxing


1 oven at 450.
2 heat 1 teaspoon of the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. add the corn, salt, and pepper. cook, stirring occasionally, until the kernels turn deep golden brown, about 5 minutes. transfer to a bowl.
3 add the remaining teaspoon of olive oil to the skillet. add the onions and bell peppers and cook, stirring often, until the onions are wilted, about 2 minutes. add the green onions, jalapeno, and garlic and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes or until the vegetables are softened. transfer to the bowl with the corn.
4 add the mayo, the cheeses, and the cayenne and mix well. pour into an 8-inch square baking dish. cover with foil. bake until bubbly and golden brown, 10-15 minutes, or until the cheese is completely melted.
5 serve hot with the chips. i would never do this but to make tortilla chips you just place tortillas in a 400 degree oven directly on the rack until crispy. remove, cool slightly, and break into bite-sized chips.


buffalo hummus (from oh she glows)
1 can or 1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons tahini
1 tablespoon hot sauce
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup jarred roasted red pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil
cayenne pepper, to taste, for serving

1 combine all the ingredients except the oil and cayenne in a food processor. pulse a few times to combine and then scrape down the sides. with the motor running, stream in the oil through the feed tube. i have a cuisinart but i hate cleaning it. so i make this in the nutribullet and it's fine. don't let all this talk of pulsing and scraping deter you.
2 continue to run the motor until you reach the desired consistency;  i like to get it rul silky smooth.
3 add more salt, lemon juice, or hot sauce, to taste, and then sprinkle with cayenne pepper before serving.


simple vegan chocolate cake (from joy the baker)
i don't fuck with a lot of vegan desserts because they're gross. i don't miss cheeseburgers or sausage nearly as much as it breaks my fucking heart in half to walk past a plate of brownies or a bowl of pistachio ice cream. mavis is pretty good about not being a jerk about it but sometimes that bitch will be eating a slice of cheesecake all out in the open (fucking savage) and it takes all of the strength i have not to disgustingly lick out the inside of her mouth hoping to at least get a little taste of some cream cheese. anyway, this sad substitute for delicious dessert:
2 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup dutch processed cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup warm coffee
1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 350. grease a 9-inch bundt pan with vegetable shortening and dust with cocoa powder. set aside.
2 in a large bowl whisk together flour, cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. in a medium bowl whisk together coffee, oil, and vanilla.
3 add the wet ingredients all at once to the dry ingredients and whisk until just combined.
4 pour the batter into your waiting bundt pan; it will be relatively thick. bake for 30-35 minutes or until a cake tester inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. who tf owns a real cake tester!? use a piece of dry spaghetti or something, sheesh.
5 remove from oven and allow it to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before inverting onto a wire rack to cool completely. sprinkle with powdered sugar and serve. sam's note for dummies: the prettiest way to do this without your cake ending up with mismatched clumps all over it is to push the powdered sugar through a sieve (i only know this and have one because i worked in a bakery for forever). take a teaspoon, dump the sugar in the sieve, then use your little sausage fingers to push the sugar through the mesh, leaving your cake delicately dusted with snow rather than splattered with inconsistent chunks of bird shit. look at you, all ready for the great british baking show and whatnot.


buy some shit. real talk, how poor are you rn? naughty, nice, whatever: i'm not buying anyone anything. two things happen to me around the holidays, i 1 wait until the absolute last minute and am so overwhelmed by the sheer number of people i want to buy things for that i am crippled into inertia and 2 see a whole bunch of shit on sale (with free two-day shipping!) i want for my fucking self and cannot stop my clicking finger from getting it. here is a list of bullshit i have purchased for samantha irby since last wednesday:
-a sequin dress t-shirt (HOW DO THOSE WORDS EVEN GO TOGETHER)
-cream colored tuxedo pants that will probably look like garbage tbqh
-two coloured raine lipsticks
-three bottles of wine and a bag of salad from instacart
-a bar of zinc soap for the gnarly rash covering 75% of my face
-some make up forever lip glosses i will likely never wear out of the house
-a bunch of cases of la croix
-one of those sticks of activated charcoal to put in a pitcher of water
-a moleskine planner i will write one appointment in before abandoning forever
-flonase
-a box of handmade greeting cards on etsy
-some asos clearance stuff i bought so hastily i can't even remember what i ordered anymore
and it's not even christmas eve yet! there's still plenty of time to scroll-click-scroll and fill my virtual shopping carts with heavily-discounted boring shit for myself i'd never expect anyone else to get for me! but i'm not a fucking monster. i gave to a lot of kickstarters and gofundmes this year, plus i spent a lot of cocktail money on coat drives and toy donations. my attitude is not going to get me into heaven. if there really is such a place, i'ma have to show saint peter these target child-sized jacket receipts.

watch some shows. i just watched the season finale of the affair last night and if you are not watching that show WTF, BRUH. i got to the party late, right after the first season ended, and now i'm all caught up and fucking sick over it. mavis doesn't care about tv (BYE) and was facetiming me about the durability of her wrapping paper (WHAT) or knitting matching christmas stockings for the cats (PLEASE KILL ME) or some other shit i don't give a shit about while i was trying to watch my jam and i wasn't even distracted enough by my horrific reflection in the webcam to tear my eyes away from noah and allison and cole's fine ass. i need a support group every goddamned sunday night. this shit is fucking riveting. i watch each episode then i watch it again because a lot of stuff gets lost on me and then the next day i read the vulture recap first thing in the morning while weeping into my mason jar of overnight oats. so thank god it's over for now.

BUT WHAT WILL FILL THE GAPING VOID AND GIVE MY LIFE SOME MEANING. i haven't watched jessica jones yet, so maybe that? also everyone i know is talking about that making a murderer show and i can't usually stomach stuff like that but i hate not knowing what people are talking about. like, i don't want to talk about it with them? i just wanna know and judge them silently if it it's stupid. i've been watching all of the old seasons of top chef on hulu but it's not the same. i never watched the sopranos. nor have i seen even one episode of breaking bad. or watched more than one season of the wire. oh, i know: you're disappointed. i gotta die. and probably, but they just didn't hook me. too busy watching america's next top model, i guess. i fell off mad men after the first season so i could try to get back into that. or luther because duh idris. both house of cards and game of thrones are coming back in the spring and i need to finish the last few episodes of those so i don't feel like an asshole when they come back and i don't remember who the fuck anyone is. so basically what i'm trying to say is don't text me until early march and i won't text you.

bang some dudes off craigslist. i don't particularly enjoy unnecessary human contact, but if you need some then shit: BY ALL MEANS. maybe you gotta get with that one dude from high school who still comes home to sleep in his old bedroom for two weeks even though you guys are thirty-seven now. or maybe you get a little too lit at the company holiday party and karen's opaque nude knee-hi stockings start looking real good to you as they peek out from under her sensible skirt and you cop a feel in the front seat of her taurus in the parking lot behind the office. i ain't mad at cha. whatever keeps you from driving your car into a brick wall. you get a free pass for jingling indiscriminate balls so swipe right and get your stocking stuffed. if you get bummed out by the empty space under your tree and anonymous canoodling under the mistletoe isn't your thing, just remember that everyone is terrible and the only people who get good gifts are either dating p diddy or going broke buying shit for themselves. good luck, everybody. BAH HUMBUG.