Thursday, June 30, 2016

bitches gotta read: dear fang, with love.

hello summer, you miserable bastard. i just had a full blood workup at the doctor last week because i had to be outside at dusk for more than twenty seconds and accumulated 137 mosquito bites in the process, and all my labs are basically perfect except i am deficient in both vitamin b and vitamin d. vitamin d, as you probably guessed, is because of a lack of dick. and possibly sunshine. ugh so now my plan to spend the summer locked in a dark room with the air conditioner blowing directly on me while reading all these books i downloaded and listening to ludacris seems like an especially irresponsible idea. but that's what supplements are for, right? don't mind me, just over here living on the edge.

the rules
1 we are never going to meet in person. that would require a bra and zippered pants and probably an expensive uber and no one is doing that that. you don't have to worry about robin's dairy allergy or that elena doesn't like malbec. no cleaning the cat box or vacuuming the drapes or hiding the dirty laundry in the oven so your company doesn't realize what a huge slob you are. just you in your house glasses and gravy pants sobbing into your six pack of beer, the way john green intended. getting together with people you don't live next door to is hella stressful. plus, a bunch of old bitches sitting around talking about fictional teenage romance is lame. OR IS IT THO.
2 we are never going to discuss this, ever. i mean seriously. i'm going to derive pleasure from knowing that people i might possibly enjoy spending time with if i ever could bring myself to meet new people and i are falling asleep and drooling on the same book we'll probably never finish. maybe we'll talk about it on twitter or something. but even thinking about organizing that is a daunting task and i'm already exhausted. mariyam suggested making a facebook group, but is that dumb? the internet is so hard sometimes. (ETA: there is a group! it's called bitches gotta read! and it is full of rad people who aren't irritating! come find us!)
3 we are never going to shame each other about not reading the fucking book. this is the beauty of never having to meet or talk about it: i ain't gotta come up with "thoughtful questions" and you ain't gotta pretend to remember what happened at the end of chapter seven while a bunch of wine-drunk bitches you don't even like that much wait expectantly for your answer. i'll read the books for sure, but that's only in case i run into one of you at the bagel shop and you decide to ask how much the ending moved me.

brief internet synopsis:
Lucas and Katya were boarding school seniors when, blindingly in love, they decided to have a baby. Seventeen years later, after a decade of absence, Lucas is a weekend dad, newly involved in his daughter Vera's life. But after Vera suffers a terrifying psychotic break at a high school party, Lucas takes her to Lithuania, his grandmother's homeland, for the summer. Here, in the city of Vilnius, Lucas hopes to save Vera from the sorrow of her diagnosis. As he uncovers a secret about his grandmother, a Home Army rebel who escaped Stutthof, Vera searches for answers of her own. Why did Lucas abandon her as a baby? What really happened the night of her breakdown? And who can she trust with the truth? Skillfully weaving family mythology and Lithuanian history with a story of mental illness, inheritance, young love, and adventure, Rufi Thorpe has written a breathtakingly intelligent, emotionally enthralling book.

sounds like a jam, right!? i have a giant stack of "books to read this summer" packed in a box to take with me to michigan in a couple weeks and this is now at the top of that stack. i also have a note taped to my calendar of "movies i should probably rent" and another called "new lipsticks i want to try" and sure that maybe sounds dumb in comparison to your summer schedule filled with healthy outdoor activity but i see your kayaking in a hot, smelly lake teeming with garbage and raise you a spending an hour in the a/c at ulta testing those new urban decay vice lipsticks on the back of my hand while letting some vitamin b12 supplements dissolve under my tongue. SOME OF US DO SUMMER DIFFERENTLY, OKAY.