Wednesday, May 10, 2017

bitches gotta read: one day we'll be dead and none of this will matter.

boy do i hate these countertops. you know, like you can have all the fancy prep shit and vitamixes you want, but if you haven't torn out the cabinets and backsplashes you hate what is even the point of pretending you otherwise have good taste!? there are cupcakes being made in this house today but they aren't for me so who cares. i'm not even eating cake right now anyway, especially since i downloaded this app that you enter all your food into so you can see how many calories you eat and try to stay under the allotted number to get to the ~goal weight~ they've assigned to you. honestly i burn more calories scrolling the database in an effort to find shit like "purple flesh sweet potatoes" and "teff porridge" among all the dorito varietals than i do inputting how many minutes of senior zumba i've completed in a day. anyway it's too early in the season for beach backdrops (lol what even is a beach) so instead please enjoy this still life of these eggs laid by yard chickens down the street from where i still can't believe i actually live.

the rules
1 we are never going to meet in real life. that would require a bra and zippered pants and probably an expensive uber and no one is doing that. you don't have to worry about megan's dairy allergy or that vanessa doesn't like champagne. no cleaning the cat box or vacuuming the drapes or hiding the dirty laundry in the oven so your company doesn't realize what a huge slob you are. just you in your house glasses and gravy pants sobbing into your six pack of beer, the way rainbow rowell intended. getting together with people you don't live next door to is hella stressful. plus, a bunch of old bitches sitting around talking about fictional teenage romance is lame. OR IS IT THO.
2 we are never going to discuss this, ever. i mean seriously. i'm going to derive pleasure from knowing that people i might possibly enjoy spending time with if i ever could bring myself to meet new people and i are falling asleep and drooling on the same book we'll probably never finish. maybe we'll talk about it on twitter or something. but even thinking about organizing that is a daunting task and i'm already exhausted. mariyam suggested making a facebook group, but is that dumb? the internet is so hard sometimes. (ETA: there is a group! it's called bitches gotta read! and it is full of hilarious mostly-women people who aren't irritating! come find us!!) i also have a bunch of friends on goodreads but lesbihonest: i'm not, like, putting all these john grishams i read on there because i don't need you guys clowning me in public.
3 we are never going to shame each other about not reading the fucking book. this is the beauty of never having to meet or talk about it: i ain't gotta come up with "thoughtful questions" and you ain't gotta pretend to remember what happened at the end of chapter seven while a bunch of wine-drunk bitches you don't even like that much wait expectantly for your answer. i'll read the books for sure, but that's only in case i run into one of you at the co-op and you decide to ask how shocked i was by the twist no one saw coming at the end.

brief internet synopsis
In One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter, Scaachi Koul deploys her razor-sharp humor to share all the fears, outrages, and mortifying moments of her life. She learned from an early age what made her miserable, and for Scaachi anything can be cause for despair. Whether it’s a shopping trip gone awry; enduring awkward conversations with her bikini waxer; overcoming her fear of flying while vacationing halfway around the world; dealing with Internet trolls, or navigating the fears and anxieties of her parents. Alongside these personal stories are pointed observations about life as a woman of color: where every aspect of her appearance is open for critique, derision, or outright scorn; where strict gender rules bind in both Western and Indian cultures, leaving little room for a woman not solely focused on marriage and children to have a career (and a life) for herself. With a sharp eye and biting wit, incomparable rising star and cultural observer Scaachi Koul offers a hilarious, scathing, and honest look at modern life.
i'm not going to pretend i'm not biased. i mean, my name may or may not be on the back of this book. and it definitely isn't YA, but we're going to have to make an exception every now and again especially since my book is coming out in a few weeks and i'm definitely picking it for book club even though i'm lowkey embarrassed about being shameless in this specific way. but what can i do homie I'M MY BIGGEST HYPE MAN. i don't have a street team! anyway the book is so funny and so good and scaachi might literally be the one reason i still have a twitter. seriously it's like ten million horrible opinions and then her. 

here is a handy amazon link to pre-order the newest fruit of my loins.