Wednesday, October 28, 2009

dear bitch.

i am bored, so i am reading cosmopolitan. i know you nerds couldn't be bothered, and that's why i do it for you. the advice column is my very favorite, especially because i already know the 20 sexiest exercises for a rockin' bod AND the new sex tricks that'll drive him WILD! (i'm serious, bitches. fuck you if you think i'm being facetious. "where the wild things are" should have been a documentary starring my underpants.) anyway, the answers these advice dudes give is horrifying, and the total opposite of hilarious and awesome. let's fix that.

my boyfriend has a hard time climaxing unless i talk dirty during sex. the only problem is that i end up concentrating so much on what to say, i can't stay focused on enjoying the experience. how can i do both?

well this one is totally easy: who gives a fuck about his climax?! just kidding. (i'm not, really.) okay, for real, that's some total fucking bullshit he made up just to try to get you to say some lame shit like "your raging hard on is so...HARD. and big! give it to me, daddy!" every dude i've ever met could have an orgasm from a gust of wind, so i don't believe this stupid asshole for one second. you could recite the fucking phone book and as long as his penis is in the same room as you he's going to bust a nut. try that shit! i used to talk to spanks about politics while he was chug-chug-chugging away and he never broke stride, not even ONCE. if you want a girl to say some nasty, disgusting, gutterbutt shit, try asking. if she's not an uptight victorian, she'll say whatever you want. i know i will! oh, except "daddy." never ever ever EVER. ick.

my boyfriend is in his late 20s, but this is his first real relationship. as we near our first anniversary, he’s starting to act weird. how can i calm him down before he totally freaks?

break up with him and find him someone new to fuck. isn't that what you dudes really want when you start "acting weird?" that's manspeak for "fresh vagina," isn't it? so go get that noncommital bastard some new pussy to crawl into. should settle the poor baby right down.

there’s a coffee shop near my apartment, where i sit and read or do work on my laptop. i always see guys approach girls who are far less attractive than i am. generally, i don’t want to be interrupted, but i’d like it if a cute guy said hi to me every so often, if only for an ego boost. is it possible i’m sending out a hostile vibe?

not at all, lover. you're totally approachable. ugly girls are just easier, and we do WAY MORE dirty ass shit in bed. it's because of our low self-esteem, you know. you fucking gorgeous ice queens, with your high self-image and your exacting standards and your preternaturally shiny hair, are just too much fucking work. ugly bitches will put out for a scone and a latte, but not your sexy ass. sitting on your laptop typing away, probably looking up the most expensive restaurants with the most expensive wine cellars, just itching to be asked out on a date that justifies that dvf dress and those $400 highlights. while we dumb sluts get taken to matinees and the dollar menu. fucking ego boost. dumb bitch.

my boyfriend has one female friend. they’re really close, they hang out by themselves, he never asks me to join them, and oh, yeah — she’s gorgeous. is he going to cheat on me with her?

yes, as soon as he gets a chance. if he hasn't already. poison that bitch while you still can.

i'm often called cute but never hot. my guy friends tell me there's a difference, but they're vague about what it is. i've been having a dry spell, dating-wise, so i'm starting to think that cute is a bad thing and i may need to change something. so what does cute really mean?

UGLY. sorry.

all my guy friends say they can't believe that i'm single. i'm cute, i work out, i love sports, and i would rather hang out with the guys than go shopping with the girls. so with all that good stuff, what's the problem?

your name is samantha irby, and god hates you. well, maybe not, because working out doesn't do anything but make me want to kill myself and i've been known to drop thousands of dollars in an afternoon on total bullshit, so maybe i should amend that answer to say this: men are garbage. and they want to fuck your mother, your sister, your daughter, your cousin, your neighbor, your aunt, your teacher, your best friend, your enemy, and everyone else who isn't YOU.

i'm very close to my boyfriend of six months, but when we have sex, he closes his eyes and stays silent. he says he enjoys cuddling more than sex, yet he also says he wants more excitement. how do i interpret his mixed signals?

he's gay? grow a beard. and a dick. but don't tell him. then come into the bedroom dressed in your girl clothes and do a sexy striptease. exciting enough? you bet. damn, this is easy. these questions almost answer themselves!

when we met, my boyfriend was a virgin...but i wasn't. now he fears that his curiosity about other women will make him cheat. i suggested we have a threesome, and he thinks it's a great idea. but what if he likes her better than me?

i don't understand this AT ALL. i mean, why on earth would you do something like that? why don't sensible, logical people ever see that this is the worst idea EVER? i can't imagine anything more ridiculous. and way to make yourself feel like a dirty whore. i mean, come on. why would anyone in her right mind ever date a virgin?!

i'm dating someone who doesn’t have any goals. we’re not kids anymore, and i think he needs to get his act together. how can I tell if he’ll ever be motivated?

um...honey? that permanent dent in your couch is probably proof positive that he is never going to, in fact, "get his act together." thankfully, i have never had this problem with anyone i've ever dated. there are no broke, jobless slackers littering the samantha superhighway. i am probably the least motivated bitch i know, and EVEN I enrolled in fucking community college and manage to write this raggedy ass blog once a week. i have no idea what the impetus is for a dude to get his shit in order, but babies and/or death threats are the first things that come to mind. and who wants to spend her whole life trying to mean mommy some asshole off his playstation and out into the working world? fuck him. move on.

a few weeks ago, i got really drunk with my best male friend. he confessed that he was attracted to me, and we ended up having sex. now he is claiming that he was wasted and doesn’t remember what he said, and he’s been avoiding me. i just want things to go back to normal. what do you think i should do?

well. while this exact thing has never happened to me, which is a total shame because i have some smoking hot male friends (come on, dudes! what are you waiting for? let's get wasted and have regrettable sex!), i CAN attest to saying some dumb ass shit while under the spell of the drunks, and i usually solve said situations using avoidance and ye olde "blackout" excuse. at least until i can get sloppy drunk with that person again and take it all back while sobbing incoherently into my beer(s). so get hime drunk, or throw a bottle of vodka at him as he's running the opposite direction to try to get away from your ass, and talk it out. and if all else fails get blind drunk and fuck some other dude, preferably one not in your immediate circle of friends. 
aww, remember that movie? when minnie driver was fat and chris whatshisballs sorta looked like a girl? that movie gave my chunky little ass hope when i was a kid, that someone would see through all these layers of doritos and onion rings to love the real me. farcical fairytale bullshit. god, i need to do some push-ups or something.

i'm not too keen on giving oral. i have a gag reflex, so i never really go all the way with it. how do i get over this "fear" of gagging on it?

you hoes better get it together. i'm so tired of hearing this bullshit! i give head like it's my job and i'm angling for a promotion. and i don't hate it, either. especially since a dude will walk to the end of the earth if you ask him to ten seconds after you swallow. (ps, stop spitting. that shit is gross and totally kills the mood. if you can take a tylenol, you can handle a few mouthbabies. suck it up, girlfriend.)

how do i deal with a guy who suffers from premature ejaculation?

you thank your lucky STARS, that's what you do. i always end up with these dudes who think sex is supposed to be a marathon. rather than the sprint i much prefer. maybe a couple laps on a good day, but who has the time or energy or stamina for an hour+ of sustained physical activity? five minutes of rabbit sex is just what the doctor ordered. i want that shit to be faster than a fucking oil change. i want to order a pizza and be finished with foreplay, the act itself, AND the cuddling by the time the delivery dude rings my doorbell. i try to explain it to dudes this way: wet your finger and stick it in your nostril. it fits, right? now move it in and out at an easy, relaxed pace. it doesn't hurt, necessarily, but it doesn't feel awesome, does it? okay, now jam it in too far, then yank it out, then jamjamjamjam, then go slow, then more jamming, then shove it in WAY too far, jamjamjam grunt jam jam, then try poking it in the other (wrong) nostril, then alternate jamming and poking at an erratic pace, slipping in and accidentally out then jamjamjamjamjamjamjamjamjam really really fast, as fast as you can go, now YANK your finger out and shrivel it up against your inner thigh. welcome to sex. hurry the fuck up already.

even though my boyfriend and i have sex all the time, he looks at pornography every day. it makes me feel like he isn’t satisfied with our sex life. how much porn is too much?

i have so much porn it's kinda weird. i mean, not weird-weird, but weird-for-a-girl-weird. i justify it by saying i am just a very sexual person, but that isn't really true. i am a lewd and provocative person, for sure, but the term "sexual person" evokes images of flowing dresses and bitches who don't wear bras, and me that ain't. most of the dudes i've dated have MASSIVE collections, and while mine is limited to regular hardcore (sorry, but that ladyporn with a plot bullshit is for repressed housewives; i gotta see some penetra--you get it), some of my menfriends had some really strange, perverted shit. i've said this before, maybe not in this forum, but one of them showed me some bodybuilder porn. my eyes are still burning. so to answer the question i say there is no such thing. loosen up, prude!

i'm going to do this again. and soon. but the chair i'm sitting in is making my colon hurt and i have to get the fuck up. does that happen to you whores? sitting someplace so long you feel it in your internal organs? ugh, and my eye is twitching. can someone arrange it so i can sleep for a week straight? what the hell is my problem? until next time, freaks.