Monday, November 30, 2009

hot old wrinkled junk.

for those of you who missed the november sunday night sex show, and there were a whole fucking lot of you, ahem, this is the glorious poem i wrote and read. and it's lame that you have to imagine my dulcet tones caressing your little eardrums with my words, but it's your own fault. you should have come. i always do. twice.

1 the oldest dude i've ever fucked
had the oldest balls i've ever sucked
they had some gray hairs, which was sort of a drag
and they were all loose and wrinkled like an old dominick's bag.

2 i was used to young scrotums
all buttery soft leather
not vintage steamer trunks
that had seen decades of bad weather.

3 how does one approach sex with an old dude?
my mama always taught me to never be rude
i would HATE to fuck it up and have somebody tell her
that i had sexually disrespected my elder.

4 i didn't think middle age would be a big problem
but these balls were fifty years old when i saw them!
his tongue did nice work and his fingers did please
but the back of his balls touched the front of his knees.

5 now don't get me wrong, homeboy was smokin'
when he told me his age, i though he was jokin'
his handsome face and crisp suit got my fires stokin'
until finally i caved and gave in to some strokin'.

6 he paid for my dinner, which i thought was so sweet
but appropriate considering i'd had to cut up his meat
i had the chicken and the apples with streusel
he had mashed potatoes with a side of metamucil.

7 i talked about music and movies, what a bore!
because HE wanted to talk stock markets and high credit scores,
about investments and holdings and getting in on the ground floor
while i imagined his dick size because i'm such a huge whore.

8 the world is a magica, glorious place
from inside of a buick in the handicapped space
it's just like a spaceship, without all the lights
a spaceship that doesn't go out late at night.

9 i could learn to like turnips
i would learn to love beets
i would wear sensible cardigans
just to get in his sheets.

10 lights on or lights off?
all those sexy decisions
i had condoms and lube
but what other provisions?!

11 aspirin? check. icy hot? check.
we could take it slow if his heart was bad
but where would i find a fucking oxygen tank?
and commercially available defibrillator pads?!

12 no need to worry, the dick was just fine
the motion of his ocean had withstood the test of time
he got me off twice and then fetched refreshments
before teaching me about property tax reassessment.

13 there is only so long may-december can last
i got sick and tired of reliving his past
and sucking those old balls started to make me feel dirty
because when i was born this motherfucker was THIRTY.

14 he was sad that i ended it, all moping doom and gloom
but i couldn't handle eating dinner at four in the afternoon
he threatened to go all psycho crazy killer stalker
but that's not so scary when you're pushing a walker.

15 i missed him at first
i liked all the attention
but it made me feel guilty
to spend all his pension.

16 i like rock and rap music
and can't while away my days
listening to smooth jazz
and frankie beverly with maze.

17 i never could really relax during sex
visions of heart attacks and strokes danced through my head
terrified with every HUFF and PUFF
that this motherfucker would die in my bed.

18 it was fun while it lasted, but it's good that it's done
leaving behind only a slight tarnish on my purity
that was the first time, but probably not the last
that i'll suck some balls getting social security.

Monday, November 23, 2009

dear bitch.

more cosmo problems, with more samantha solutions. andiamo!

i brought a guy home after our second date, and when things started to heat up i grabbed a condom from my bedside table...but he stopped me and said he wanted to take it slow! i was shocked and offended. could he be telling the truth, or was he not that into me?

you chicks still don't know when you've got a gay or a mama's boy (same fucking thing) taking up space in your bed, eh? well let me clue you in. sissies and prudes have their place. i've got an entourage full of them. though not too many prudes, because they fuck up the party. and you know i believe in "he's just not that into you" wholeheartedly. but in this instance, i'm going with homo. then you just have to learn how to make lemonade out of that puckered little lemon! i'd get my sexy ass dressed and ask him to give me a smokey cat eye and highlight my new haircut so we could go out dancing. ooh, crunch!

my boyfriend makes a lot more money than i do. i pay for things when i can, i almost always pitch in when we go out, and i’ve made it clear that I don’t expect him to buy me expensive gifts. but every time we fight, he accuses me of dating him for his money. how can i show him that i’m interested in him, not his paycheck?

change your interests and start dating him for his money, honey. listen, he's OBVIOUSLY a gaping fucking asshole, since he brings up dumb, untrue shit when you fight. is this really about to be your manfriend? for real?! fuck no. so let this dick pay for everything. pick restaurants you'd never before dreamed of going to; get swanky hotel rooms downtown; try to get him to take you on a trip. and then when he dumps you, which is inevitable, you can be like, "at least i saw the south of france." i've been left heartbroken by silly motherfuckers who couldn't buy me a bucket of chicken, and that's way less fun than i imagine licking my wounds while wearing a tiffany lucida diamond would be. rich is better. go get you some!

i was very sexually adventurous in the past. i've settled down to the point where i'm happy being with just one guy, but the one i'm with now isn't all that wild. i'd like to suggest some new things, but i know he'll ask if i've ever done them before. should i lie or is there a way to tell him that won't freak him out?

when you pin his balls to his chin and bind his ankles and blindfold him and he's all, "where they do that at?" just tell him you read about it in cosmo. see, bud? i'm sexy AND i can read!

my guy is always the one who initiates sex, and he's starting to think i'm not attracted to him. how can i signal that i want to do it without doing something embarrassing?

do something embarrassing. dudes are fucking obnoxious pigs. and we give them entirely too much credit. something you think is humiliating would wind this dude's watch right up. so do it, you little minx, you. or you could employ my strategy. i just say, "hey you, i'm hot for it," and start pointing at my ladybits. works every time.

i've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and we've never had a fight. this may sound crazy but i've tried to get him mad by being bitchy for no real reason, and he never takes the bait. does it mean that he's not passionate about me?

you bitches are so dumb. do you really believe that fighting = passion? ugh! stop this bullshit! have you ever really fought with someone? i mean really really FOUGHT with someone?! that shit is exhausting. and fills me with venemous rage. i don't think, "boy, am i passionate about him!" i think, "how soon can i get carol's ass over here to help me blow this motherfucker's car up?!" if you want to see passion, give him a rusty trombone and make him a sandwich. he'll luh yew forever. might even wash the dishes after.

my guy kisses me good-bye, but otherwise, he doesn’t like to kiss unless we’re going to have sex. we have great chemistry, and the kissing, when it happens, is amazing. so why doesn’t he like it, and how can i get him to do it more?

threaten him. with bodily harm. i mean it.
so did you know that dudes have certain girls they "kiss in the mouth" and other ones they don't? i was on the phone with his hairness a few days ago, and he was schooling me on the whole girlyoukiss vs. girlyoudonot thing. dudes are really doing this! i've seen pretty woman, goddamn it, i know what that shit means. hooker. i have never been with anyone who didn't kiss me like his life depended on it. i mean, what kind of filthy tampon is like, "okay. we don't have to kiss or touch or be sweet. just stick it in." get a blowup doll, homie. because i'm the kind of bitch you gotta kiss. passionately. ON THE MOUTH.

recently, i've been meeting a lot of great guys with whom i've hit it off really well. but i keep finding out that they're taken. why do i seem to attract men already in relationships, and how can i tell early on if there's someone else?

jackpot! senam and akilah and i were just talking about this shit yesterday. and by "talking about this" i mean, "i was saying that i don't mind guest-starring in someone else's show." sorry, bitches. but i just don't. i honor relationships if and when i am in them, and i expect my partner to do the same. but if he doesn't, my issue is with HIM. i just figure that every dude i meet is a dirty liar who specializes in half-truths anyway, the "baby mama" that's really his "girlfriend," the "ex-wife" who is still legally "wife." how can you possibly know? i dated zac for two years and never saw the inside of his apartment. he could've had a wife and three kids in there, and i would have been none the wiser. assume he's lying, then enjoy the shit out of yourself while you wait for the proof.

for the first time in my life, i’m involved in a fling with a guy, and i’m having a blast. but recently, he started bringing emotions into the mix. i just want to have fun! i thought that was what all men wanted.

man, this bitchass shit is a total bummer. nothing dries the panties up faster than some idiot you're just trying to grind on getting all sticky and emotional. ew. i spent most of my formative years dyyyying to be someone's stupid girlfriend, and then when it finally clicked that dudes just want to eff you and move on to someone else and i was sort of okay with that and trying to do my own thing with whoever i want i get the, "why don't you want to be my girlfriend?" speech. and what's funny is dudes never really MEAN it, they just can't handle you hollering at some other dude. he doesn't want to commit to you, he just wants you to commit to him. he wants you all weak and strung-out over his ass, sitting at home in your curlers while he fucks some hooters waitress. to hell with that. do your thing, bitch!

the guy i’m seeing is incredibly well endowed. i’m really nervous about sleeping with him; i’m afraid it will hurt. should i say something about my fears?

i've hollered at my fair share of mandingoes, and trust me. it sucks. and it hurts. so don't do it. and you bitches that lie and say you need a huge one are full of shit. nothing worse than a dude moving your dinner and internal organs all around. ugh. totally overrated.

are there any positions that are good for short-tall couples?

i love nothing better than a teeny tiny little nugget of a dude. i'm a gloriously amazonian 5'9"-5'10", depending on the shoes, and i used to have a strict "taller than me ONLY" policy. then i went out with a dude just a shade shorter than i am, and he was the nicest little rugrat ever! pulling out chairs and taking my coat. and in the bedroom he worked SUPER hard! so hard i almost didn't notice that horizontally his toes barely reached my ankles. it was like fucking a little monkey or something. a monkey who knew exactly what to do with his banana. zing! he was all over the place, poking and stroking and picking nits out of my fur. the bestest. so pick his little ass up and put him wherever you want him. up top, down below, left, right, wherever. totally rules!

i’m happy with my boyfriend, but after six months, the sex has gotten boring. he only seems to like it when i’m on top. i love the position, but i’d like to try out other moves. plus, i don’t feel like doing all the work! what gives?

i'm the laziest bitch alive. you dudes better take note. i don't do acrobatics or any of that shit that can get you injured in the bedroom. who has time for that?! i'll do pretty much any filth under the sun, but i draw the line when it comes to contortion and kama sutra and "porn moves." you can always tell when some asshole has been watching too much pinky and mr. marcus and wants to have your big toe behind your left ear while you twist your torso to the right and your booty to the left. man, fuck that. i'm the one with the vagina. you should do some shit for ME.

recently, i put on a few pounds, but my guy swears that he can’t tell. are men really oblivious to weight gain?

mmm. and this is why it helps to already be fat. because you don't ever have to worry about any dumb shit like this. and you can eat cheeseburgers! so take your fat ass out and find some dude who doesn't know what you looked like two bundt cakes ago.

my guy loves to give me oral sex. and i love it, too. but i'm always a little self-conscious about how i taste down there. he doesn't seem to have a problem with it, but i was wondering if what i eat could affect the flavor?

absolutely, bitch! that's why i maintain a strict garlic and onion diet.
we're all friends here, so i don't mind telling you that i have a very strong, ahem, natural musk. when i was nineteen i went to the free clinic for an std screen and a pap smear (before this sexy bitch had insurance, obviously) and the nurse was all, "i think i smell something..." like chlamydia has an odor or some shit. like salmon instead of catfish. i tested clean, OF COURSE. so after that i was just like, "eff it." if you get a chance to sniff these smelly treats you better act like a bitch in heat. now i'll wash and gut and scale the fish first. you just make sure you come hungry.

my guy hinted that he wanted to see me in sexy outfits, so i bought some lacy, girlie lingerie. now i’m too embarrassed actually to wear them to bed. i’m afraid he’s going to think they’re not sexy on me. what should i do?

outfits TOTALLY weird me out. and while i have no problem standing in front of a room full of people reading some filthy sex shit and laughing, just the thought of dressing up and modeling for some dude gives me the heebie-jeebies. i'm a firm believer that it is ridiculous to buy some frilly little ill-fitting thing whose sole purpose is to be ripped off by my manfriend's teeth. i have some hot bra-and-panty combinations, but i can actually use those bitches. lingerie costs too much and is pointless; if you don't think my pee-smelling "inside pants" are sexy, get out of my house. that's why everything i buy is black. it's instantly at least a little bit sexier, even if it's dirty and the the cat threw up on it a little. so this is what i do. any dude who finds my raggedy sleep shit unacceptable must also wear an outfit for ME. so dress him up, too. but i don't do banana hammocks or mesh shirts (so fucking gross!). i want you in a hot dog suit or an elmo costume. i got spanks in a studded dog collar. TWICE. it was hilarious! almost made up for the corset i was painfully strapped into at the time.

see bitches? i'm dumb, too! that's why we love each other so much. xxoo

Thursday, November 19, 2009

you win, sister.

hi, honeys. before we get started, i need you hoes to know that the sunday night sex show is sunday november 29th at 730pm at the burlington, which is on fullerton near kimball. and you need to know that because i am performing. miraculous, isn't it? and i want you to be there. so you should come.

well, i suppose the best part of being sick is all this weight i'm about to lose.
so i guess there's an upshot.
ugh, but you can tell whenever people lose a twelve-year-old off their hips and belly and shit and it didn't come from exercise and "healthy lifestyle changes." you ALWAYS KNOW when a motherfucker is dealing with some colossal badness and those new jeans are just a, um, bonus. new jeans and undereye circles and boxes of saltines. better than jenny craig, even.

the tricky thing with trying to learn how to deal with this crohns is that there are no triggers. one of my absolute worst flare-ups occurred on a day that i'd eaten, and i'm not even kidding, boiled noodles and white toast. i ended up in the hospital for four days after that business. four days of not shitting not walking not earning not eating not living after some goddamned toast! i am lulled into delusional (ch)eating by the good days, of course. days where pesto and fried chicken and ice cream go down perfectly and come out the same way. and i feel like, "hey! look at me! i can be normal!" and what does anyone want more than to just be fucking normal?

because i want to go to thanksgivings and order out for lunch and eat popcorn at the movies and grab a pizza just like any other sexy bitch who loves food and wants to be near people. but it's weeeeeird when you're the fucked-up one, and i think it equally weirds out everyone around me. because listen, i'll GO to the restaurant and i'll LOOK at the menu and i'll PRETEND i have options available to me, but then when i order the rice with a little bit of chicken next to it and no vegetables my dinnermates are always like, "what?! but the ricotta parmesan cream sauce beer-battered fried bologna milk butter chocolate vodka raw carrot donut pie is so good here! you have to try it!" and then, of course, i feel like i do. lest i run the risk of alienating someone who doesn't know me very well (and occasionally someone who does) with a boring, drawn-out speech about why i can't eat a goddamned delicious thing.

and i want to be part of the group! i work in a relatively friendly environment, rife with female sharing and commiseration, and when bitches are making dinner plans i want to make them, too. i want to go! i want to talk shit about our coworkers who aren't there! and i want to have some of what she's having! you fat bitches on diets know a little bit of what i'm talking about, don't you? sitting in a restaurant with some skinny slut who can order whatever the fuck and proceeds to DO SO while you sip your lemon water and act like that shit is delicious. but you're not fooling me, my love. because i know. soda tastes better. and grilled and/or steamed shit is for pussies. real women like US deserve a steak and the dessert menu, not this weak-ass broccoli and that pansy sorbet. i see you, my loves. don't worry your pretty little heads. we're in this together.

and lest i deny my tastebuds! let's not act like i'd be the picture of health save a few pushy friends and awkward dinner dates. i want food because it tastes good and makes me feel better. until it, inevitably, makes me feel worse. and maybe that's because my childhood was less than ideal or whatever, but oreos are cheaper than a therapist. even with this new insurance. (ps, thank god for it, but eff this new insurance, man! the worst.) but my oreo days are over, especially since i have to eat those hoes on the toilet. *tear*

not to make you dudes jealous or anything, but this recent hospital episode is going to cost me a lot.
1 it is going to cost me beer, and alcohol in general. which is tragic to a grizzled old drunk such as myself. although i suppose not nearly as tragic as writhing in excruciating pain and sleeping on the floor in the bathroom so i can be close to the toilet when i have to puke. but alcohol makes all of life's sticky/lonely/boring situations better. it just does. it helps to be drunk.

2 it is going to cost me cheese. and dairy, for the most part. because even though i shouldn't, i sometimes do. and it's not always a nightmare. just thinking about this is wearing me the fuck out, and i have an unopened pint of chunky monkey in my freezer that i got a little over a week ago and if you want it it's yours. goddamn this.

3 it is going to cost me diet coke, which seriously might push me over the edge. i'm not saying that i have more than a few a day, but i just might sometimes have more than a few a day. i'm weaning, because being on these steroids fucks up my mind grapes more than you could imagine, and going cold turkey would result in a ridiculously nasty headache. and i don't know how you bitches with migraines do it but, alas, i cannot. i would do anything to make a headache go away. ugh.

4 it is going to cost me grocery money, because i really should do things like shop and cook and eat breakfast. while that may sound enticing (i'm a helluva cook, yo) don't go all green in the eyeballs just yet. this morning's breakfast was peanut butter on dry raisin bread. beats the shit out of your full fat latte and buttery scone, doesn't it? i was all set to have some toast, then i realized that i busted the toaster like six months ago and never remembered to get a new one. really, in half a fucking year it has yet to occur to me to replace an appliance. seriously. not an adult.

5 it is going to cost me time and money at the pharmacy. i should say MORE time and money, as cvs gets a good chunk of my change every months already. it also might cause me to develop cancer, as one of the drugs dr. handsome has been asking me to take for over a year now has "cancer" as a handy side effect. awesome, right?! i know! jimbo the bossman has a similar condition, and he went on imuran and it put his shit in remission. which is rilly rilly fantastic. but i have bullshit luck, and taking this shit not only could cancer up my colon, i'd also have to have bloodwork every other week to make sure my liver doesn't sustain any permanent damage. i'm not bitching, i'm just saying. a few years ago i was on some shit that made my kidneys fail, and "potential side effects" are hilarious when you hear them on the tail end of a viagra commercial, but in real life that shit just sucks.

my kidneys are fine now, by the way. thank you for asking. you're so sweet.

in case you couldn't already guess, i don't resolve to do a goddamned thing. ever. i don't do it in december. or january. or EVER. because i'm already incorrigible and great, so what else is there to fix? truthfully, there are a lot of things i could fix, but somehow a year-end laundry list of all the shit i suck at is incredibly unappealing. i mean, i already know it, do i have to write it down? that never ensures that it gets done any faster. as a matter of fact, when i used to make resolutions they would just sit on my desk or in the kitchen or wherever, mocking my dumb ass as i broke every single one of them, one right after the other.

it's so unrealistic, isn't it, to fill up a sheet of paper with all of these lofty goals that you really don't have a chance in hell of achieving? and i'm trying my best to feel good about my stupid self, not have a daily reminder of all of my epic fail. because it feels like cheating to write down things you could actually do, like if i resolved to check the mail every day. because right now i don't. i don't know why, i just don't. unless i'm expecting something good from netflix, but even then i don't really know what's coming or when, because i read every third email or whatever. (it's mostly bills i can't pay anyway.) but if a passerby happened to glance at my new year's resolutions and saw "open the mailbox every day" they'd openly scoff at me!

"that's not a real resolution!" he or she would cry, clutching his or her pearls. "where is 'start exercising' or 'learn how to balance my checkbook?' don't you KNOW how to write new year's resolutions?!"

i'd sigh and feel like a dumbass, then i'd rip the whole thing up and try to shove it down that person's fucking throat. so here is what my new year's resolutions typically look like:
1 clean my apartment.
2 write more.
3 keep being ragingly awesome.
see? a list of things i can actually achieve! and it makes me feel so much better to cross at least two things off this list on a regular basis! (because let's be for real. until last night my apartment was a fucking hovel. but more on that later.)

considering that i only regularly speak to like, eight people, you dudes probably don't know that i talk funny. it's just that i've developed my own language and my own manner of speaking over the last twenty-nine years and nine months (can you tell that somebody's excited that she has a birthday just around the corner?!), and if you're around me all the time not only will you start to recognize words/phrases and understand what they mean, but one day you will wake up and realize that you've started saying all of this crazy shit, too.

i can't remember every single thing right this second, and that's probably due in part to my advancing age, but i'm sure it's also a testament to the massive amount of drugs i did in my youth. so as things come up i'll explain them.

the most important thing for you dudes to know, i suppose, is that just about everyone has a nickname. that's right, if i know and love you well enough to change your name in my beat-up shitty piece of bullshit cell phone, consider yourself blessed. i bring this up because as i continue to write this raggedy vag blog i have to reference the people in my life, and i can't write about "sarah" if i really call her "boobs." it just doesn't feel right to my fingers. so i figured i'd give you guys the rundown so you can start to get to know who is whom. ready? okay!

jenny = african
sarah s = boobs
sarah k = bitchass OR snatch
laura = lauraaaage OR mean mommy
chris s = jb
chad = bia
jen = doctor bia
lori = teenie OR tiny OR teenie tiger OR mama
helen keller = devil OR satan cat OR smelly helly OR chunky chunks OR little honey bun buns (because sometimes she is just so cute and i am just such a lonely cat lady.)

my old dudes get names, too, but it is WAY less important what their real names are. because eff them, that's why. hopefully you don't confuse easily, but i will try to explain who is who if they are ever referenced. but, just for fun, we in the irbyverse have so many stupid names for those clowns! spanks, the nerd, glasses, vajayjay, old dude, a-salaam-a-fuck-you, chili cheese fritos, marco polo, and that dude who hollered at my sister. the list is endless. just like the wind tunnel that is my birth canal. zing!

i have some lovely new friends (i'm looking at YOU akilah and senam) that i'll have to come up with names for, too. don't you worry. these mind grapes are always getting juiced!

so lauraaaage lives up in my ass all the time, and i appreciate her for it. i really do. because i am sloppy and careless and not always looking out for my own best interests. because i'm dumb, but i've already told you that. she mean mommies me all the live long day, and i kind of live for it. i always do and say stupid shit to get her to turn that glare on me. it almost melts my glasses, that gaze. *shudder*

she hates everything i ever do. hates might be a touch too strong. DISAPPROVES is better, and more accurate. every single time i mention that i'm thinking about doing some dumb ass shit or some raggedy ass dude i know if i glance at the desk behind me she will be scowling her disapproval and shaking her head "absolutely not."

eg, one of my wretched old used-to-bes was facebook commenting me to death (again with the goddamned facebook, egads) and i got suckered into some replies. totally weak. so lauraaaage jumps into the comment thread and says, "bitch, do you know what look i'm giving you?!" and i totally DID. she wasn't even in the same vicinity, yet i could feel THE LOOK all the way down to my colorfully striped socks. so i stopped the comments. saved from myself. i can't hide junk food in my desk drawer, because she'll find that shit and chastise me. and don't even let me be giggling and sniggling while secretly texting, lover. "who are you texting?!" she'll demand, all icily accusatory-like. and i am immediately flooded with shame, even if it's just my grandmother or something. (but it is NEVER my grandma! it's always some hot snatch. rawr.)

i called into work yesterday from my death bed to give an update, and after asking about how my broken intestines were faring, lauraaaage informed me that she and teenie were making a list of questions for old doctor hotmeat to fill out when i go see him in december. questions i would never ask, like "what foods should i avoid?" and "are there any homeopathic therapies that you would recommend?" i love that this bitch cares so much, although i secretly suspect she would like to go with me and ask the questions for herself, just to make sure i don't fabricate the answers.

because you know i would. i would write some shit like "taco bell three meals a day" and "unlimited chocolate and butter." teenie said i should eat baby food and drink water and abstain from sex, but what getting pounded hard from the back has to do with the state of my intestines remains a mystery to me.

so here are my 2010 resolutions.
-drink more water. (i hate water. except for pamplemousse lacroix. which i just bought a case of! way to go, me.)
-stop eating bullshit and take all my medicine.
-grow out my hair. (now i am smack in the middle of this, and it is a lauraaaage-specific request. it is so hard, because i am so lazy. but paul mitchell's leave-in conditioner is making a believer out of me, so this might just be doable.)
-keep my apartment clean. ish. (melissa came over last night to check on my dying ass, and was so grossed out by my living quarters that she proceeded to clean the entire thing, from top to toes. i was having a bit of an anxiety attack at the prospect of samson's visit and the daunting task of cleaning up in preparation, and now i don't have to. that bitch is amazing. she spic-n-spanned my shit in an hour. it would've taken me weeks. blerg! and i'm nervous about him hating my ratty/bohemian bachelorette pad. oh well. if he does, eff him.)
-wear more lipstick. i mean, really. these lips are my best feature (second only to those lips, maybe) and i should show them off.
-keep being fucking awesome. and maybe exercise. a little.

okay okay okay. that is ENOUGH. that's probably more than i could ever be expected to do anyway, and just looking at it is totally harshing my mellow and bumming me out. and i know that it should say things like: shut up more, stop making stupid decisions about dudes, quit swearing, stop smoking bowls, and focus on schoolwork. but we're trying to be realistic, remember?
this one's for you, lauraaaage. now let's have a dance party to celebrate!

ps, i have a date (maybe) saturday (MAYBE) with some dude who emailed me and said he thought my blog was "cute," but "gross." should i even bother? at the very least, i might go just to say some uncute, nongross shit about his ass. that'll teach 'im!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

the dirtiest bird.

thank god for the holidays, right?! that glorious time of year when those of us who are tragic and childless and alone contemplate suicide a little bit more seriously!

so this weekend is fakesgiving! what is that, you ask? well, baby, it's our annual week before thanksgiving gathering of vagabonds, tramps, orphans, and other miscreants. we started what...five years ago, maybe? i don't have a big family thing, and it turns out a lot of other people don't really either. and a lot of people live here while their families live someplace else. so we all go to corey's place and get really sexy and liquored up and go potluck crazy the weekend before, sort of as a group "fuck you" to everyone with their real families and their expertly carved turkeys and honeybaked hams. we make all the traditional thanksgiving shit: turkey, potatoes (sweet and white, let's be serious), green bean casserole, my amazing macaroni and cheese, homemade pumpkin pie. and we sit around a table and eat like civilized human beings, but it's like one big ass kids' table. all we do is joke and fuck around and talk shit--it's just like thanksgiving at your house without grandpa sleeping facedown in his plate and your drunk uncle trying to cop a feel.

i don't ever give thanks for a goddamned thing, because fuck that. my fucking life is retarded. BUT. this year i have some pretty jamming shit going on, and i am in a surprisingly sunny mood this morning, so i made a fucking list. get your hankies ready.

1 i would really like to give thanks for that dude with the crazy hair who wrote "he's just not that into you," because before i read that shit, i kind of really didn't fucking know. i was the queen of excuses, both making and accepting the most ridiculous explanations for why dudes treated me like dogshit. i got on the bandwagon late, but i read that book in one fucking sitting and it completely changed my views on and standards for my interpersonal relationships with men.

sometimes a motherfucker has to hit you over the head with something before you really understand, and that book was the brick to the skull that finally catapulted me out of my dude coma. because it's so easy to give some asshole the benefit of the doubt, especially when the alternative could be such a poor reflection on me. much easier to believe "he's really busy at work" than it is to swallow "i'm not important enough to call for two weeks." sometimes you just need to see in black and white that, despite how sad and lonely it might make you feel, that is unacceptable behavior and that idiot deserves his walking papers.

so i'm not accepting anymore bullshit, you fucking bitches. if you're not asking me out, i'm over you. if you're not calling me, i'm over you. if you're not dating me, i'm over you. if you only want to see me when you're drunk, i'm over you. if you don't want to fuck me, i'm over you. if you don't want to marry me, i'm over you. if you're breaking up with me, i'm over you. if you disappear on me, i'm over you. if you're unavailable, i'm over you. if you're selfish, i'm over you. if you don't love me in a tangible goddamned way, i'm totally fucking over you. and if you hit me, you better kill me, because i will fucking end you.

2 i'm thankful for helen keller, without whom i would never get up and take my birth control on time, because at 530 on the nose that bitch is standing on my face demanding her breakfast. in a couple weeks it will be a whole year that we've shared living quarters, and she's still the same old bag of snatch, there is just ten more pounds of her to contend with. if she bites me in the foot, the hand, or the face one more fucking time i might snap and boil her on the stove fatal attraction-style, but for the most part we get along swimmingly. especially since it's totally legal to lock this kind of child in her crate for hours when she's getting on my goddamned nerves.

3 i would like to thank netflix for being a fuck of a lot cheaper than basic cable. $25 a month compared to the $130 i was paying RCN is a no-brainer. i was sad at first (devastated, really) but i have learned to cope without my steady diet of reality shows, ESPN, and keith olbermann. sort of. talking about it too much makes me start to get weepy.

and on a side note, i am totally UNthankful for ye olde converter box-antenna combo. i get channels 5, 9, 11, and 32. that's ALL. someone please pay for cable for me. or maybe i should drop out of school and let my tuition make the payments...?

4 thank the swedish gods on high for cheap-ass, put-it-together-yourself furniture. i move every five minutes, and what in the fuck am i going to do with some heavy antique bullshit? herniate a disc?! i need a goddamned dresser that costs $12 and that i can carry home on the bus in a handbag.

5i am also grateful to tagged photos for reminding me what shiny and drunk really look like. every time i spot a bitch with a camera at a party i politely excuse myself to drink my beers in the bathroom or crouch next to radiator or some shit. is it so hard to turn the display screen to a bitch and ask her if it's okay to post that picture of her ACROSS THE INTERNETS?! it's like these kids race home after the party and facebook it up, and whenever i sleep off the drunks and get around to checking my email, ten motherfuckers i used to have crushes on have already looked, and laughed, at some silly ass shit i got caught doing.

6 thank god for gay men! especially the ones i call my own. NO ONE ON EARTH makes you feel more fabulous than a homo, which is why a real diva like myself has several in my entourage. i went out dancing the other night with a few of my favorites and i almost died of happiness. i swear in my former life i was the messiest queen on the block, because nothing pops my cherry harder than house music and grinding all up on some sweaty hardbodies.

you heteros always fuck up the dancing, your stupid erections puncturing my liver and shit when all i'm trying to do is catch a groove. i was up against the wall with this raging hot latino, and at the end of the song we pulled our sticky loins apart, did a shot of patron, and went on to find our next victims. he didn't moan and grunt in my ear like straight (disgusting) dudes do, trying to impregnate me in the middle of a disco. and they always make sure a bitch looks FABULOUS.

7 i am thankful for new balance classic 574s and u420s, for being the most gorgeously awesome shoes on earth. they're the only gym shoes i have ever, and will ever, put on my feet. and it's good that they're so fantastic, because i can never wear a goddamned high heel ever again.

8 thank the clothing gods for spanx and all of those other restrictive undergarments that make looking like hot shit so much easier for a bitch with a trunk chock-full of fucking junk. i wore a beautiful dress at jonathan and kelly's wedding, and underneath it i had an expensive piece of torture stretched from my toes to the top of my fucking skull, and i looked like something you should spread on fucking TOAST. i couldn't eat or sit comfortably or pee the whole fucking night, but who fucking cares? because i don't i want to eat, i want to look AMAZING.

9 i love cheap wine, expensive beer, and petite ecolier more than i love most human beings, and to them i owe a huge debt of gratitude. they almost render real human contact otherwise obsolete. add a tramadol and some truffle butter and you never have to even get out of bed.

10 and THANK YOU, regular people who videotape themselves having gross regular-people sex and put that shit on the internet, for making me feel like less of a filthy slut. because whatever it is i'm doing pales in comparison to that nasty shit.

11 and while i don't believe in self-help books as a genre, i totally fucking believe in SARK, and am totally thankful for every book she's ever written. and she might be too flowery for you hard asses, but i learned more from her about self-acceptance and happiness than i've learned from anyone else EVER. she has this sort of wide-eyed optimism that i could never have, but i do try to employ some of her philosophies in my every day life. so next time i see you and smooch you full on the mouth unexpectedly, you have SARK to thank.

12 my ipod is thankful for portishead, because when beth gibbons sings it, samantha irby feels it. she sings the kind of songs that sneak up on you and rip your fucking soul out. so, SO good. i can't even explain. the lyrics are out of theis world, particularly for moody teenage girls who think their newfound broken-hearted enlightenment is just so deep. ha.
"i don't know what i've done to deserve you, and i don't know what i'll do without you." when you hear some shit like that while agonizing over some lame dude it's earth-shattering.

anna sent me my first portishead cd, along with a copy of "little plastic castle" by ani difranco--AND a sark book as a matter of fact!--for my 18th birthday, and i listened to those bitches ad nauseum for the entirety of 1998. and i could listen to them again and again today.

while i am of the opinion that you should just buy ALL of their albums, here are my favorite tracks (and you should download them, like, yesterday): strangers, it could be sweet, wandering star, mysterons, biscuit, undenied, over, humming, mourning air, elysium, the rip, machine gun, nylon smile, magic doors, plastic, and threads. oh, shut up. you can afford it.

13 thank you all of my peers who married early, because while my initial reaction was all seething envy, now you bitches are fucking DIVORCED. or you will be in ten minutes. i mean, what the fuck do you know at twenty?! i couldn't even pick a breakfast cereal, let alone decide the motherfucker i was going to spend the rest of my life with! i mean, please. i could be mrs. preston harris right now! could you hoes (the ones who know, at least) even IMAGINE that bullshit?! i'd be five seconds away from jumping off the nearest building. ugh.

sorry about your broken marriage and everything, but fucking thank you for reminding me why i'm so goddamned smart! i may be no one's wife, but at least i'm not someone's EX-wife.

and one final heartwarming thanksgiving wish:
fuck you healthy people who clog the elevators at school so that my boot and i have to kill ourselves climbing from the basement to the third floor so that your fat ass and your rolling backpack don't have to be inconvenienced by me and my handicap. jerks.

gobble gobble.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

good grief.

for a split second last night i had a meltdown because i spilled my father.
his ashes are in a dusty box in a gap shopping bag on the shelf in my hall closet where i keep all of my coats and the space heater and a box of miscellaneous crap that i have moved with three times but can't bear to go through, next to a package of the most gorgeous bed sheets from the company store that are too big for my bed. i can never get myself together enough to handle that kind of thing, to return shit i've ordered that's wrong or photocopy and staple receipts and fill out paperwork to get rebates or register electronic equipment that i've purchased so i can use the warranty when i inevitably break it.

and they were so expensive, those sheets. ugh. i got two sets, and i left them out on my desk for the longest while promising myself every day that i was going to get it together and send them back, until finally i read the receipt and realized i was four days past the window of hassle-free exchange. so then i opened one set and put them on the bed, but i was so irritated at all of the extra fabric flapping around that i ripped them right off. so the unopened package went into the closet, primed and ready for the day i finally get a bigger bed. it's been two years.

winter is going to be here in approximately ten minutes, so i decided on a whim last night that i needed to take my fancy coats to the dry cleaner. i had a bunch of coats over my shoulder and was wrestling to get my beautiful houndstooth off the hanger when it suddenly broke free and knocked the bag off the shelf. i backed out of the closet in enough time to watch it hit the floor and immediately started hyperventilating, fear-stricken at the prospect of sweeping up my dad's burned up skin and bones and brains.

it took eleven years for me to even get his ashes.
he died the year after i graduated high school. it was early february and i was in my dorm room at northern when one of my sisters called to tell me that he'd had a series of strokes and was being shipped from memphis to evanston so he could be under the care of his lifelong physician, dr. ira weiss. he was lucid but clearly out of his mind, as was evidenced by my final phone conversation with him, during which he described to me a trip through the morgue that he'd taken on a bicycle in the middle of the night with a zombie that he really believed was real, not the obvious figment of his imagination that was instantly apparent to me.

he was found naked and frozen to death in some dude's backyard on valentine's day, a week or so after that conversation. mentally ill and robbed of his dignity. i had received a call from a detective two days before, informing me that my father had walked out of the nursing home he'd been put in and hadn't come back. incidentally, that nursing home was down the street from the one my mother was in, and he stopped there to visit her and steal ten dollars from one of her roommates on his way. i turned eighteen years old february 13, 1998, miserably floundering in the corn fields in dekalb, while my father was improperly clothed against the elements, sleeping in streets and alleys eating garbage and slowly freezing to death, like some sort of animal.

people always pretend like they want to know about my parents. and i'm not such an asshole that i don't appreciate the intent, believe me. because i want to talk about it. i want to talk about it every day, all the time. but no one really wants to know that my abusive, alcoholic father died in the street like a rat while i sat helplessly in a dorm room not fully understanding what was really going on, and it's not fair to lay that all on someone who might like me but doesn't have extensive grief counseling experience. so i don't talk about it much, because i can't say "oh, he had cancer" or "jeez, it was a heart attack," something that ties up neatly.

some unsuspecting dude came out of his back door one morning to find my dad lying naked atop his folded clothes, dead of hypothermia, and there's no way to make that pill an easy one to swallow.

i will never forget the detective's voice when he called. there was no caller ID on the phone in our room. cara and i had two distinct rings, so we'd know who the phone was for, and when it trilled my double ring i mindlessly picked it up, expecting it to be chris down the hall asking me if i wanted to go down to dinner. cara and i sat hugging on the floor while the detective explained everything to me, and it was so surreal to be in that place listening to that news. on the other side of our door horny college freshmen were running and screaming and puking and bitching about term papers. i think it was just an extra touch of cruelty that this had to happen while i was surrounded by raging youth. i was strangely disconnected from the whole thing; i remember hanging up the phone and going with cara down to dinner. my father had just died, and i had cereal and an ice cream sandwich.

cara and her mom drove me home for the funeral. it wasn't until i saw him in the casket that i finally understood. it had been a couple years since i'd seen him, and he was so heavily layered with makeup (freezing is an ugly way to go) that he was almost unrecognizable. i'm not one to put lipstick on a pig; my father was a wino who spent a great deal of my life actively refusing to be a father to me, and his funeral was packed wall-to-wall with other drunks and ne'er-do-wells, but he was still my fucking dad. the ONE THING i remember from his funeral was precious dr. weiss, a deeply religious orthodox jew who'd spent two days on his bicycle looking for his friend, my missing father, who sang the lord's prayer in hebrew over his body.

i can't remember my dad's voice. my mother's, either. trust me when i say that this is the kind of thing that will haunt you about your dead parents, and i hope it never happens to any of you ever. because you think you will, you think they'll remain vivid in your mind forever. or maybe because you don't think it's the kind of thing you have to worry about happening that you don't think about it enough, and then you realize one day that you are twenty-nine years old and if you heard a recording of your mother's voice what it sounded like would be a surprise to you.

in my mind their voices sound the same as all of the other voices in my head, the one that yells at slow milkshakes crowding up the supermarket and scolds me for saying something dumb in front of attractive dudes. you think you'll be all broken up about the ways in which you've disappointed your dad or the time you called your mom a "bitch" and she heard you--all that goes away. what really gets you is how she fades to the back of your mind like a movie character or something. how you can remember a shirt she wore one time when you were in the second grade but you have no idea what she liked to eat or what soap she used. i don't remember much of anything. and because i was so young when either of them was in anything closely resembling good health, all i remember is SICK.

i couldn't even go pick up his ashes. though he was in my sisters' lives for fifteen years before i came crashing through the ether to fuck everything up, he was not their father, so his cremains were mine to hang on to. but something in me couldn't drag myself to go get them. i went back to school the next day, and i thought everything was cool. i thought i was okay, that i was handling it. and i was, until the day i came back from class and couldn't stop crying. i was grief-stricken and stressed out and losing it, and finally cara called the cops while chris sat across from me on her bed holding my hands in his and muttering the lord's prayer or something until they got there. the police came and an ambulance came and they were nice enough not to turn on the siren during our trip to the hospital. a "danger to myself" apparently, i was sedated and put in soft restraints, and this super-nice cop dude stayed with me the entire time. i went back to the dorm a couple days later with a fistful of prozac and orders to see a therapist twice a week. i dropped out of college at the end of that semester. i also stopped taking the prozac; it shuts off your ladyfaucet COMPLETELY. and fuck that.

the first time i got pulled into the social worker's office was in the seventh grade. i had worn pajamas to school three days in a row (this was in 1992, mind you, before it became fashionable to do so and signaled some sort of problem in the home), and someone had alerted them to my "situation." dun dun DUN.

before i was born my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and shortly after that it kindly went along its way and settled into remission. it came hurtling out of remission in 1990 following a not-so-awesome brain operation. she had been in a car accident one day while i was at school; not wearing a seatbelt, she flew across the seat, clunking her head against the rearview mirror. she seemed pretty okay afterward. a couple days later i was home from school (i was in the fifth grade) for one of the jewish holidays, and my mother woke up but never got up. she sat on the edge of her bed for hours, drooling and unresponsive, while i watched cartoons. finally i went next door and got our neighbor, who in turn called an ambulance.

turns out she had a blood clot in her brain caused by the accident. GNARLY. so the doctors shaved her head and cut it open and pulled out the clot, leaving extensive brain damage and an un-remissioned multiple sclerosis in their wake. at that point conditions at home could scarcely be described as "normal," but once she came back it devolved at a furious pace.

multiple sclerosis is fucking awful, and i will describe it to you the way it was described to me by one of her neurologists when i was a child. think of the brain as a series of wires. the disease goes through the brain eating away at the protective coating on the wires, eating away and eating away until it renders the wires themselves totally useless. when you are watching it kill someone it looks sort of like this: limp; cane; walker--> wheelchair; carry--> lift--> hold--> point; paragraphs--> sentences--> words--> sounds. you slowly become a prisoner in a body you can't use, with a mind you still can. it's utterly heartbreaking.

none of what i am about to say is meant disrespectfully, it is just the unfiltered truth. i feel like you can't really have an idea of who i am without really knowing how the formative years of my life went down. my mom was physically and mentally incapacitated for the last few years i lived with her, until my freshman year of high school, when i was thirteen years old. i think i understand why people don't call government agencies when, perhaps, they really should. because you can't really believe that it's you these things are happening to, you know that you are a better person than your circumstances indicate. pride is an intensely powerful emotion, particularly for people who used to be great but are rapidly deteriorating due to no fault of their own.

and you really don't think it's you whose house is unclean, whose laundry is regularly unwashed, whose pantry is stocked with bullshit that is cheap and terrible for you because you don't have a choice. or maybe you do know but admitting it is really just too hard. you might not notice that your child isn't clean, or that she has both worn and slept in the same clothes for the last week. you certainly don't notice that her hair isn't combed, or maybe you do but you can't do anything about it, because you're living on social security and section eight and who has any money to fix anything anyway? my mother was trapped in a body she couldn't use with a brain that didn't work as well as it used to, and that was hard for both of us.

in hindsight i feel downright horrible, as i was a selfish pre-teen consumed with all of the things i wanted and couldn't have, and i didn't do anything to make that easier. i resented the bar in the shower and the raised toilet seat and the walker i was constantly tripping over. it was just the two of us, moving from one wretched apartment to another, sharing our space with mice and other creepy crawlies. no one else (as far as i knew) had a mother who couldn't get herself off of the toilet or down the stairs; i was extremely jealous of the normal lives of my classmates as i imagined them: mothers and fathers (together! what a novelty!) who drove cars and went to the grocery store and sponsored sleepovers and supplied lavish christmases and birthdays and weren't hospitalized regularly or lapse on the payments for your bedroom so that one day you came home and discovered you had to sleep in bed with your mom. we could never keep a phone on, so we moved to a place down the street from the fire department so i could walk down there if something really bad happened.

i was SO ANGRY. and totally embarassed. because if i couldn't really understand what was going on there was no way the other kids would. so i kept a lot to myself and cracked jokes and made nice and tried to blend in as much as i could. i wanted things to be simple. i just wanted to have cable and new shoes and shirts from the gap, not clean up and count pills and come straight home after school. i wanted to live in the kind of place i could invite my friends over to, with the kind of mom who had cookies already baked and dinner on the stove. my mom was the fucking greatest, and i miss her every minute of every hour every day, and if she'd been a whole person i have no doubt that she would have been everything a kid (even a selfish, spoiled one) could ever ask for. but she wasn't, so she couldn't.

i was in both the choir and the marching band (nerd alert!), and one day went to school early to audition for one of the piano parts in jazz band. i stayed late to practice afterward. we always had a piano in the house (we might have been lacking electricity at some point or another, but i ALWAYS had a fucking piano), but i needed to rehearse with a metronome and had just broken the rickety old one perched atop my rickety old piano. i hated going home. hated it. because when i wasn't there i could pretend that that wasn't my life, that the broke and the sick and the tired and the sad were all happening to someone else. walking through that door just crystallized my reality for me, and i'd try to stretch the hours between school and home as far as they'd reach, and then go a little further past that.

when i saw her i knew instantly that this was it. that our crippled way of "just getting by" together, as a unit, was totally fucking over. i saw her the second i opened the door, sprawled face-down on the hardwood, lying in a pool of her own urine and crap, crying. she'd fallen half an hour after i'd left for school at 6:45. her body, the vicious traitor, could barely go from sitting to standing, let alone from horizontal to vertical. she'd lain there all day waiting to hear my feet on the stairs, my key in the lock, too ashamed to call out so one of the neighbors might hear her. and i couldn't be bothered to come home straightaway because there were things i wanted to do for myself, things that didn't involve coming home and helping her.

she never came home after that. first the hospital, then a nursing home. for a fifty-something year old woman whose main concerns should have been oprah and making sure i didn't break curfew and kept up a decent GPA. i remember telling my mom about having lost my virginity. dementia had started to take over by then, and i sat across from her bed as she stared blankly at the little television she and her roommate shared. most girls would be quaking in terror, but she didn't even know what i was talking about.

the picture came sharply into focus at that moment, that she would never ever really know anything about me. you're not a real person when you're a child, no real thoughts or opinions or personality or experiences, at least. you're a little hurricane, blowing through the house running and jumping and kicking and laughing and playing. you're told what to do and when and how to do it. she and i didn't have conversations; i talked about kid stuff, and she talked about mom stuff. i was fourteen (huge whore, i know) at the time, and i realized that she would never know anything about who i'd become: what kind of person i'd be, what i'd like, who i'd end up with. she would never meet my children or see my grownup house or have an adult conversation with me. we were never going to argue over politics or where to have thanksgiving this year.

i came home from northern in june, almost four months after my father's death. sarah and i went to the nursing home to visit my mother, who at that point had been in hospice care for a number of months, and her lungs started to fail the second we walked in the room. she was shipped to the hospital, where my sisters and i were informed that she would die within a matter of days from whatever disease had overtaken her lungs. she was put on a morphine drip and died later that evening, surrounded by the stupid assholes she'd given birth to who couldn't help but bitch and fight with one another, even as she went from being a "person" to being a "body."

we each got a turn to talk to her before the morphine made her lose consciousness, and when i went in to say my goodbyes i remember thinking, "what the FUCK do i fucking say NOW?" what does your retarded teenage ass say to your feeble, dying mother? what resonance or profound wisdom did i have to impart? when i walked in my oldest sister was in there, bitching at me about one thing or another, and i couldn't resist being drawn into the argument. your siblings always know what the fuck to say, don't they? the perfect thing to make you ignore your dying mother in favor of snatching at her. finally my sister got the fuck out and i could focus on telling my mom i'd miss her and she'd have a good time in heaven and that i loved her.

she cocked her head and gave me a look before using her skeletal hand to pull the oxygen mask away from her face. i was waiting for some profound piece of knowledge, some sage words of wisdom, or maybe the admission that i was, indeed, her favorite child, when this bitch looked right at me and said:
"are you sure?"
my five minutes were up, the clock eaten away eaten away by some stupid argument, and i was hustled out of the room so my next sister could come in and say her piece. those are the last fucking words my mother said to her youngest child, and if you think someone's haunting you from the grave, try walking around carrying that.

so if i am a bitch to you or i say something inadvertently nasty and you think to yourself "goddamn i hate that fucking asshole! i hope something terrible happens to her!" you can fucking rest easy.
i already got mine.

Monday, November 2, 2009

boo hoo.

helen and i are home sick watching "unfaithful," and HOT DAMN i forgot what a sexy movie this is. if you haven't seen this bad girl make it a point to do so. NOW. netflix this shit, or ask me to lend it to you. ooh wee. one of my favorite junk tinglers of all time. the fuck scene in the hallway?! bitch, please! my eyeballs almost melted out of my face when i first saw that, and sarah and i watched this shit in the theater. i nearly bit through my goddamned tongue.
let's be clear, if i am ever married or engaged or in a seriousish long-term booty call situation with someone and olivier martinez comes along and wants to have an affair I'M DOING IT. i wouldn't hesitate for a second, you hear me? i'd be half-undressed before he even got to the L in "hello." if the producers wanted this shit to be realistic she would've been agonizing over whether or not it was worth it to fuck the mail man or the weird trainer at her gym, not this fine ass hunk of delicious. in the beginning when she was all "i can't do this!" and ran out of his place i turned to sarah and she rolled her eyes and was like, "bitch, PLEASE." i would have been up in his apartment that first day running him a bath and calling a divorce attorney. then i would call home. "hey husband, this is sam. i am NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN. burn my shit."

every scene is beautifully shot, and there's plenty of nakedness for people of all gender and persuasion to enjoy. i loved that connie wore all her fancy slips and beautiful underpinnings when she was about to see paul, because isn't that the best thing about having someone new to get into bed with? all of my swanky bras and panties sit in my dresser gathering dust, because 1 i got no mans 2 they're too nice for school and 3 i work in a goddamned animal hospital. it takes a concerted effort not to roll into work wearing my pajamas, and i'd be lying if i said i've never worn anything to work that hadn't been slept in the night before, but wearing my sexy ruffles to maybe get peed on ain't happening.

dude, we just got to the part where paul and connie get busy in the restaurant bathroom. i think it's hot, but helen doesn't seem to, since she is now busying herself with a french fry. maybe if it were some cats in heat she'd change her mind. anyway, my favorite scene is the one right after this, when they're back at his place and he's undressing her piece by piece (and exposing those sex bruises he left on her thighs), and she says "you're the only thing in my mind when i wake up every morning, you're in my brain before i even open my eyes." goddamn it. of all the lines in all of the scenes in all of the movies, that is the line that embodies where i'm trying to get to in my love life. do you know what i'm saying? that passionate, desperate, all-consuming love. i mean, this is a bitch with a husband and a kid, and she was so totally wide open for le stud that she couldn't even keep her shit together.

i'm too practical to ever really lose my mind over some asshole, but i've dated dudes i wouldn't split a sandwich with, let alone any i'd jeopardize my marriage and forget to pick my kid up at school and burn dinner for, and a change might be rad. some dashing, handsome stranger who sweeps in and saves me from a sexy windstorm (how perfect was that?!) and makes me tea and gives me band-aids and tells me to slap him in the face before he rips my sensible mom clothes off. and i don't have to listen to any bullshit about his dumb job (boring) or his dumb parents (BORING) because we both know we're only here for the heady romance, which is fleeting, so we'd better make the most of our time and not fuck it up with all that useless chatting. less discourse, more intercourse. (if i had a car, i would totally put that on a bumper sticker.)

i think i could only handle, like, four or five days of that before i was too exhausted to keep it up, though. i don't have the temperament for carefree love affairs; sooner or later i'm going to be tired or irritated and he's going to figure out that not only am i a real person (and not the fun movie version of myself), but i'm also an idiot and a miserable asshole. and how long can you keep putting your dick in that? it takes a dude with some tough onions to handle a bitch constantly cracking jokes at his expense, and LOVE IT, and most dudes who are heavy on the fantasy tend to lack a little bit in the humor department.

i have strep throat and a raggedy upper respiratory infection and i feel like dog shit sprinkled with cat shit covered in rat shit. and i am the absolute worst sick patient when i'm at home. i just lay around in my own filth feeling sorry for myself and wishing i had both a maid and a nurse on staff, moaning about how terrible i feel and letting an entire box worth of used kleenex pile up next to me in the bed. i have two bedside tables (don't ask) and they are currently a shrine to infectious disease: bottles of water and vitamins, boxes of tylenol cold, prescription bottles of amoxicillin and steroid nasal sprays, little tubs of vicks and vaseline and carmex, hand sanitizers, and a tube of eucerin.

helen has feline herpes, so i run a cool humidifier all the time for her, and now that i, too, am ravaged with disease i added two warm ones to the mix. it's like a steam room in here, without the fat naked dudes. i have been wearing the same jams since saturday, and i changed out of them once to go to breakfast with corey and laura yesterday, and once to drag my sorry ass to school this morning. and i only did that because i had a big exam in biology and fuck if i'm going to break my ass studying how to diagram and label mitosis and protein synthesis and DNA replication and then stay in bed and get an F on the test. i took a handful of cold medicine and two bottles of naked juice and i hacked my way through it.

the worst thing about being sick is that it shows you who you really are at the core. if i had any illisuions about being some neat and tidy well put together sort of person, they'd be shattered by how quickly i devolved into a gnarly troll dragging herself from the kitchen to the bathroom and back to bed shrouded in blankets. it's when i'm sick that i miss my excellent mother the most; that bitch was a licensed practical nurse, and she coddled and babied me on top of it. when i was ten i had pink eye, and in the mornings when i woke up and my eyes were too crusty to open, i would just lie in bed yelling until she came and put warm compresses over my eyes and cleaned the crap out. i never cleaned my own wounds, flushed my own puke, or dumped my own potty. she would even brush my teeth for me if i decided i didn't feel like it.

spoiled rotten.

helen keller is the only one having a blast around here. she is the laziest little bitch on earth and loves when i'm home; my apartment is cold as shit (why is it november 2nd and the fucking HEAT isn't on yet? riddle me that, building manager!) and i'm a giant source of heat for her to snuggle up on.

so in addition to staging the mister irby pageant, i am also going to hold auditions for the role of "samantha's nursemaid." you don't have to be a real nurse, you just have to not mind making tea, filling all of the humidifiers, flipping my pillows to the cool side, and rubbing my back until i fall asleep. in exchange i would be willing to write you a post-dated check for a minimal amount and you can watch whatever movies you want and play with helly if she'll let you. you can live with us if you want, but you'll have to adhere to our no dishes rule and go to bed by ten every night. serious applicants only.