Monday, November 23, 2009

dear bitch.

more cosmo problems, with more samantha solutions. andiamo!

i brought a guy home after our second date, and when things started to heat up i grabbed a condom from my bedside table...but he stopped me and said he wanted to take it slow! i was shocked and offended. could he be telling the truth, or was he not that into me?

you chicks still don't know when you've got a gay or a mama's boy (same fucking thing) taking up space in your bed, eh? well let me clue you in. sissies and prudes have their place. i've got an entourage full of them. though not too many prudes, because they fuck up the party. and you know i believe in "he's just not that into you" wholeheartedly. but in this instance, i'm going with homo. then you just have to learn how to make lemonade out of that puckered little lemon! i'd get my sexy ass dressed and ask him to give me a smokey cat eye and highlight my new haircut so we could go out dancing. ooh, crunch!

my boyfriend makes a lot more money than i do. i pay for things when i can, i almost always pitch in when we go out, and i’ve made it clear that I don’t expect him to buy me expensive gifts. but every time we fight, he accuses me of dating him for his money. how can i show him that i’m interested in him, not his paycheck?

change your interests and start dating him for his money, honey. listen, he's OBVIOUSLY a gaping fucking asshole, since he brings up dumb, untrue shit when you fight. is this really about to be your manfriend? for real?! fuck no. so let this dick pay for everything. pick restaurants you'd never before dreamed of going to; get swanky hotel rooms downtown; try to get him to take you on a trip. and then when he dumps you, which is inevitable, you can be like, "at least i saw the south of france." i've been left heartbroken by silly motherfuckers who couldn't buy me a bucket of chicken, and that's way less fun than i imagine licking my wounds while wearing a tiffany lucida diamond would be. rich is better. go get you some!

i was very sexually adventurous in the past. i've settled down to the point where i'm happy being with just one guy, but the one i'm with now isn't all that wild. i'd like to suggest some new things, but i know he'll ask if i've ever done them before. should i lie or is there a way to tell him that won't freak him out?

when you pin his balls to his chin and bind his ankles and blindfold him and he's all, "where they do that at?" just tell him you read about it in cosmo. see, bud? i'm sexy AND i can read!

my guy is always the one who initiates sex, and he's starting to think i'm not attracted to him. how can i signal that i want to do it without doing something embarrassing?

do something embarrassing. dudes are fucking obnoxious pigs. and we give them entirely too much credit. something you think is humiliating would wind this dude's watch right up. so do it, you little minx, you. or you could employ my strategy. i just say, "hey you, i'm hot for it," and start pointing at my ladybits. works every time.

i've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and we've never had a fight. this may sound crazy but i've tried to get him mad by being bitchy for no real reason, and he never takes the bait. does it mean that he's not passionate about me?

you bitches are so dumb. do you really believe that fighting = passion? ugh! stop this bullshit! have you ever really fought with someone? i mean really really FOUGHT with someone?! that shit is exhausting. and fills me with venemous rage. i don't think, "boy, am i passionate about him!" i think, "how soon can i get carol's ass over here to help me blow this motherfucker's car up?!" if you want to see passion, give him a rusty trombone and make him a sandwich. he'll luh yew forever. might even wash the dishes after.

my guy kisses me good-bye, but otherwise, he doesn’t like to kiss unless we’re going to have sex. we have great chemistry, and the kissing, when it happens, is amazing. so why doesn’t he like it, and how can i get him to do it more?

threaten him. with bodily harm. i mean it.
so did you know that dudes have certain girls they "kiss in the mouth" and other ones they don't? i was on the phone with his hairness a few days ago, and he was schooling me on the whole girlyoukiss vs. girlyoudonot thing. dudes are really doing this! i've seen pretty woman, goddamn it, i know what that shit means. hooker. i have never been with anyone who didn't kiss me like his life depended on it. i mean, what kind of filthy tampon is like, "okay. we don't have to kiss or touch or be sweet. just stick it in." get a blowup doll, homie. because i'm the kind of bitch you gotta kiss. passionately. ON THE MOUTH.

recently, i've been meeting a lot of great guys with whom i've hit it off really well. but i keep finding out that they're taken. why do i seem to attract men already in relationships, and how can i tell early on if there's someone else?

jackpot! senam and akilah and i were just talking about this shit yesterday. and by "talking about this" i mean, "i was saying that i don't mind guest-starring in someone else's show." sorry, bitches. but i just don't. i honor relationships if and when i am in them, and i expect my partner to do the same. but if he doesn't, my issue is with HIM. i just figure that every dude i meet is a dirty liar who specializes in half-truths anyway, the "baby mama" that's really his "girlfriend," the "ex-wife" who is still legally "wife." how can you possibly know? i dated zac for two years and never saw the inside of his apartment. he could've had a wife and three kids in there, and i would have been none the wiser. assume he's lying, then enjoy the shit out of yourself while you wait for the proof.

for the first time in my life, i’m involved in a fling with a guy, and i’m having a blast. but recently, he started bringing emotions into the mix. i just want to have fun! i thought that was what all men wanted.

man, this bitchass shit is a total bummer. nothing dries the panties up faster than some idiot you're just trying to grind on getting all sticky and emotional. ew. i spent most of my formative years dyyyying to be someone's stupid girlfriend, and then when it finally clicked that dudes just want to eff you and move on to someone else and i was sort of okay with that and trying to do my own thing with whoever i want i get the, "why don't you want to be my girlfriend?" speech. and what's funny is dudes never really MEAN it, they just can't handle you hollering at some other dude. he doesn't want to commit to you, he just wants you to commit to him. he wants you all weak and strung-out over his ass, sitting at home in your curlers while he fucks some hooters waitress. to hell with that. do your thing, bitch!

the guy i’m seeing is incredibly well endowed. i’m really nervous about sleeping with him; i’m afraid it will hurt. should i say something about my fears?

i've hollered at my fair share of mandingoes, and trust me. it sucks. and it hurts. so don't do it. and you bitches that lie and say you need a huge one are full of shit. nothing worse than a dude moving your dinner and internal organs all around. ugh. totally overrated.

are there any positions that are good for short-tall couples?

i love nothing better than a teeny tiny little nugget of a dude. i'm a gloriously amazonian 5'9"-5'10", depending on the shoes, and i used to have a strict "taller than me ONLY" policy. then i went out with a dude just a shade shorter than i am, and he was the nicest little rugrat ever! pulling out chairs and taking my coat. and in the bedroom he worked SUPER hard! so hard i almost didn't notice that horizontally his toes barely reached my ankles. it was like fucking a little monkey or something. a monkey who knew exactly what to do with his banana. zing! he was all over the place, poking and stroking and picking nits out of my fur. the bestest. so pick his little ass up and put him wherever you want him. up top, down below, left, right, wherever. totally rules!

i’m happy with my boyfriend, but after six months, the sex has gotten boring. he only seems to like it when i’m on top. i love the position, but i’d like to try out other moves. plus, i don’t feel like doing all the work! what gives?

i'm the laziest bitch alive. you dudes better take note. i don't do acrobatics or any of that shit that can get you injured in the bedroom. who has time for that?! i'll do pretty much any filth under the sun, but i draw the line when it comes to contortion and kama sutra and "porn moves." you can always tell when some asshole has been watching too much pinky and mr. marcus and wants to have your big toe behind your left ear while you twist your torso to the right and your booty to the left. man, fuck that. i'm the one with the vagina. you should do some shit for ME.

recently, i put on a few pounds, but my guy swears that he can’t tell. are men really oblivious to weight gain?

mmm. and this is why it helps to already be fat. because you don't ever have to worry about any dumb shit like this. and you can eat cheeseburgers! so take your fat ass out and find some dude who doesn't know what you looked like two bundt cakes ago.

my guy loves to give me oral sex. and i love it, too. but i'm always a little self-conscious about how i taste down there. he doesn't seem to have a problem with it, but i was wondering if what i eat could affect the flavor?

absolutely, bitch! that's why i maintain a strict garlic and onion diet.
we're all friends here, so i don't mind telling you that i have a very strong, ahem, natural musk. when i was nineteen i went to the free clinic for an std screen and a pap smear (before this sexy bitch had insurance, obviously) and the nurse was all, "i think i smell something..." like chlamydia has an odor or some shit. like salmon instead of catfish. i tested clean, OF COURSE. so after that i was just like, "eff it." if you get a chance to sniff these smelly treats you better act like a bitch in heat. now i'll wash and gut and scale the fish first. you just make sure you come hungry.

my guy hinted that he wanted to see me in sexy outfits, so i bought some lacy, girlie lingerie. now i’m too embarrassed actually to wear them to bed. i’m afraid he’s going to think they’re not sexy on me. what should i do?

outfits TOTALLY weird me out. and while i have no problem standing in front of a room full of people reading some filthy sex shit and laughing, just the thought of dressing up and modeling for some dude gives me the heebie-jeebies. i'm a firm believer that it is ridiculous to buy some frilly little ill-fitting thing whose sole purpose is to be ripped off by my manfriend's teeth. i have some hot bra-and-panty combinations, but i can actually use those bitches. lingerie costs too much and is pointless; if you don't think my pee-smelling "inside pants" are sexy, get out of my house. that's why everything i buy is black. it's instantly at least a little bit sexier, even if it's dirty and the the cat threw up on it a little. so this is what i do. any dude who finds my raggedy sleep shit unacceptable must also wear an outfit for ME. so dress him up, too. but i don't do banana hammocks or mesh shirts (so fucking gross!). i want you in a hot dog suit or an elmo costume. i got spanks in a studded dog collar. TWICE. it was hilarious! almost made up for the corset i was painfully strapped into at the time.

see bitches? i'm dumb, too! that's why we love each other so much. xxoo