Wednesday, December 9, 2009

i'm so smart.

i haven't had sex in eight months. so that makes me totally qualified. let's do this.

my boyfriend won't go down on me if he knows i've urinated recently. like in the past three hours! how can i convince him that pee is clean?

hand that idiot a fucking biology book.
doesn't it always baffle you when real-live adults don't know basic things about the human body? i feel like every five minutes i'm listening to some dumb asshole who doesn't know shit about where babies come from or how doody is made. when did we first learn about pee, the fourth goddamned grade? dude, what is it that you think your kidneys do? and you know how many rules i have. the minute this dummy opened his mouth to ask about the last time i tinkled i would kick him the fuck OUT. i mean, it's not like you're wearing a diaper or something, like he runs the risk of getting old, sat-in pee on his nards. and even if you were, so what?
i used to pee on this hot dude before we had sex, and the first time he asked me i didn't think twice. didn't hesitate for a second, bitches! i love that nasty shit. i would drink a gallon of water when i knew he was coming over. seriously. and i'd stand around doing the pee-pee dance while he got out of his clothes and into the bathtub, then i'd straddle him and piss on his face while he beat off. and i could care less what sort of horror befell him during his childhood to make him request (and by "request" i mean "beg for") such degradation, but he found just the right snatch to do it. especially when i'd been drinking.
you puritans kill me with all of your aversions to filthy porn and poo. so here's what you do, kitten: pee in his dinner and don't tell him for three days. and when you do bring it up, say "see? you lived! now eff me on a urinal."

my boyfriend would like me to be on top, but i'm not sure how to do it. what's so great about this position, and how can i master it?

omg. this is my worst nightmare. i'm never ever ever serious, but believe me when i say this serious shit: "on top" is TERRIFYING to me.
i'm going to bust my slump (with a vengeance!) with the hair model pretty soon, and he has already said that this is his preferred method of coitus. first of all, is it weird that we've already discussed all of the possible ways that we're going to have sex? not that i'd trust any of you perverts to be the guardians of morality, i'm just sayin'. we talk about it all the time. i mean, horrifying specifics. charts. diagrams. maps. layouts. outlines. i'm going to break my vagina. for serious.
i broke out in a cold sweat when he said it. because i hate it. ugh. i have the coordination of a baby giraffe or some shit, all awkward limbs and jerky movements. on the dancefloor i can pull it together well enough, especially since the libations free up all these inhibitions and i can just let it all hang. but. you see. it's the letting it hang that's the problem! i get all anxious about my fat ass, and then i can't figure out how to move it. PLUS, i keep trying to tell you, i'm laaaaaaazy. i get tirrrrrrrrred. and i don't like looking down at my jibs flopping around. jesus.
i think the great thing for dudes is 1 they don't have to do any work (and FUCK THAT) and 2 they get to look up at your boobs. so i'll tell you what i'm going to do when i try not to suffocate hm. i am going to make sure my hair looks fucked up and wear a bra and a dirty hoodie. have fun looking up at that! i'm sure i'll never be asked to do it again. :)

i know this sounds like an unusual complaint, but my boyfriend takes ages to come! this was something that suited me for a while, since it gave me plenty of time to climax. but there are limits to how many orgasms you can have before you start to get sore. he just thrusts away like his life depends on it. how can i deal with this without lessening his enjoyment?

i hate this bullshit so much. and you hoes know how much i care about "his enjoyment." (not the least bit.) this is the worst sexual dysfunction in history. at least if he can't inflate the balloon animal he still has operable fingers and a mouth. this incessant plugging away is exhausting. and i'm quick. i get mine within five minutes and immediately want to go to sleep. you can never tell who is going to be the energizer bed bunny until he's actually in there, banging away on your drum, but as soon as we pass the seven-minute mark i start checking my watch and bitching about chafing. why do i have to walk around with sore meat the rest of the fucking day? so you can prove a point?! pshaw. get in and get the fuck out. hurry up, already.
oh. and GOODNIGHT. sheesh.

i want my boyfriend to masturbate in front of me, but what should i do while he's at it?

your taxes. fucking dummy.

my boyfriend recently asked me to pay more attention to his balls when i'm going down on him. i do play with them, but i think he wants me to suck them, too. i've never heard of this. do you have any advice?

absolutely. SUCK THEM.
where do these bitches live that they've "never heard of this?" is this place on earth, or did you just get here from the planet iamreallystillavirgin? more important than that, i wonder what constitutes "playing with them." what does one play? battleship? spades? what?! because even the smartest balls i ever sucked were terrible scrabble players. where are you meeting these genius balls? because i want to go to there. i've been meaning to step up my badminton game, and i could use a partner. partners.

my boyfriend and i have a long-distance relationship. to tide us over between visits, he really wants to have phone sex. i have no idea what to say, and i always feel foolish. any advice?

now this i truly am an expert in! take notes. if you read this shit on the regular you know that there is a glossy-maned stallion whose balls i've been sweating off for a couple months now, and you also know that he lives so fucking far away that it's retarded. really. SO FAR. we had phone sex for the first time a couple weeks ago (i don't remember the exact date, but he's the kind of dirty whore that writes shit like that down, i'm sure, so ask him next time you see him), and it was a-ma-zing. because, let's just say it, masturbating is better. better than everything else. put together. because, if you are a champion self-abuser like myself, you know exactly how you like it. and you don't have to waste a single second trying to explain to some sub-human moron where to put his fingers and how fast. every time some idiot is digging around in my basement, fumbling with my extra tools and old moving boxes and shit, i just sit there rolling my eyes, waiting for a good time to step in and relieve him of the burden.
so, phone sex is like masturbation extra. you get to handle your own business while someone moans sexy, disgusting shit in your ear. it's not sweaty. it's not smelly. it's not gross. it's not late. it doesn't take too long to finish. (see above.) it doesn't talk about dumb shit you could care less about. it doesn't roll out of bed and go eat all of your cold leftovers. it's perfect.
and never feel foolish. with anything you do. ESPECIALLY when that anything is with a motherfucking dude. they're embeciles.

my guy likes to be on top when we do 69, but i feel like i'm being choked. how can i make it more comfortable?

this is something real people should never try. i am absolutely against it. especially since it makes me think of all the stupid dudes who try to convince you to do some shit they saw once in a raggedy porno. the ONE TIME i tried it i had a panic attack because i thought i was suffocating and going to die, and i started hyperventilating and crying because he couldn't hear me telling him i didn't like it and i was unsuccessful in my attempt to throw him off me. and nothing ruins the sex like crying, lover. nothing. just stay away.

my fiance and i want to try anal sex, but we aren't sure how to go about it. are there any tips you can give us to make it more comfortable?

grease. and lots of it. i would put crisco in my butthole if i could, but it's white and i don't want nobody to think i'm harboring no disease in there. contrary to what you might think, considering the state of my intestines, your girl takes it up the bum. all the time. except with super big junk, because i don't even like those the christian way. ew.
what's more disturbing about this question is that she is engaged to marry a dude and still has questions about how to have sex with him. you better believe that i would never in the history of ever let a dude put a ring on any finger of mine that had never been in his mouth or up his ass. i respect virgins and everything but, in case you were thinking of asking my father for my (filthy)hand, please note that you have to rim me before i'd even consider accepting the offer. plus you have to offer me some goats and land and shit. you know. to sweeten the pot.

here is how that dirty ass hair model answered this question:
if it's the first time do it side saddle. before putting the car on the hershey highway, wiggle your fingers and toes to distract the brain and take your mind off the initial pain. and use eros doesn't have that sticky gross feeling.

a user's manual. of course. what a babylonian whore.
wait, he's not done:
and, of course, lest we forget, you have to figure out the stroke that works best for you. poopsex requires that short slow thrust...the kind that says "you're fucking dirty for doing this but i totally appreciate and love you." you can't be the energizer bunny, you have to consider yourself the energizer turtle...slow and steady wins this race.
plus, the nerve endings to the clitoris are shaped like a figure 8, so anal has some rewarding benefits. and if you really are that scared try a finger, then beads, followed by the butt plug. then open the road for the mother of all toys: real life human cockzilla.
apparently he wrote his thesis on butt-fucking.

my boyfriend always gets soft when he tries to put on a condom. how can i help him?

staple a photograph of a baby to the back of your fucking head. he'll get the picture. strap it up, homie!

i love when my fiancé goes down on me, but when he's done he wants to kiss me. i've been reluctant to give it a try. is this something other couples do?

puritans puritans puritans! again, the fact that this is a question at all puzzles me. you broads don't automatically do this? that's worse than the pee dude! it's your own juice! manna from your own personal heaven! lap that shit up, kitten-style. "i've been reluctant to give it a try." the worst. idiot.

my guy wants to have sex while i have my period. i want to try it, but i'm worried about the mess. how should we go about it?

OH MY GOD ANOTHER ONE. period sex is totally the best. i don't know if it's all those hormones surging through you or all the churning that your insides are doing, but it feels 1000 times better than dry boning. as for the mess, this is what "old towels" were invented for.
and, in case you couldn't guess, refusing to swim the red sea is grounds for immediate dismissal.

i was wondering what the deal is with guys ejaculating on different parts of a girl's body? why do they get off on that?

because men are like children. "hey look what I made! look what I can do!"
so just let them. and then say, "yeah, honey! that's beautiful! what a big boy you are!" and pat him on the head.

my guy has accused me of cheating on him because he thinks that i've gotten looser "down there." can women really become saggy from a lot of sex?

let's dispel this myth RIGHT NOW. you know the only way to know whether or not someone is cheating on your ass is to smell their privates!
isn't having a baby the only thing that stretches you out? and even then they sew the shit back up so your pussy doesn't whistle when a strong wind blows. your dude is a dumb shitbag. DUMP HIM. like yesterday.

my boyfriend is very caring and attentive in bed, but sometimes i wish he'd be more aggressive and wild. how can i get him to loosen up without hurting his feelings?

do what i do. punch him in the face, then immediately jump up and yell, "now do me!" while jutting out your chin. works like a charm.

my guy likes it when i touch his anal opening. should i go deeper and, if so, how do i go about it?

i go 2nd knuckle deep. and if a motherfucker tells you he doesn't like it HE IS LYING. the gays aren't idiots. and they're not just doing that shit because it's cute. it feels good.
ps, the only thing that "makes you gay" is layering on two different types of lip balm at the same time. a little finger in the bumski never hurt nobody. so shut up.

speaking of gay, that lip balm comment was a shot at my personal weaveologist, who might be the closest thing to a girl i've ever smacked chonies with. he gets manicures and takes care of his feet and does extensive manscaping and buys fancy sweaters and name-brand grooming products, all of which collectively terrify me. not because he does it (if you are REALLY a reader of my blog you already know that i really wish all men could be homos), but because i am just so fucking GROSS. i do not partake in any of that, nor will i. at least not on a regular basis. i mean, he's super super super hot and i totally appreciate that, but i can't compete. i could lie and say i don't have time, but the truth is that i don't fucking care. i'll let you know if he vomits. AND if he's wearing lacey pink panties.

sometimes my guy blows air into my vagina when he's giving me oral sex. i've heard this can be dangerous. is it?

i've heard about this. and it's dangerous for cereal! something about air bubbles getting into your bloodstream or something? why do guys DO this? to cool it off?! i just figured their lazy asses were trying to sneak in a break without being too obvious. anyway, if a dude does this to you, you could TOTALLY DIE. and i've never had any head that good. EVER.

i want to use my vibrator with my man. how can i introduce it without intimidating him?

i set it up like a playdate. hair model, this is your competition, silver bullet. silver bullet, this is the jerk whose going to try to wrest my affections away from you. (don't worry.) my vibrators are an integral part of my life, and i will forsake them for no man. and if he don't like them, LATER FOR HIM.

my guy wants me to shave down there. is it safe, and what's the best way to do it?

well. how apropos of my current circumstance. i am going to go home and attempt this very thing. today! the answer the cosmo bitches gave was all gung ho, and they must've said 137 times how much more amazing the sex is afterward. so i'm amped to do it. i got a beard trimmer at walgreens (and was buying maxi pads at the same time, hysterical), and since i just finished bleeding like a stuck pig i am going to go home and give it a shot. or a shave, as it were. i am afraid that i am going to butcher my vagina or my butt in some way, so get on your knees and say a prayer for me. or something.
"dear god, please protect samantha's gorgeous labia..."
i love you dudes the most.