Tuesday, March 16, 2010

dog versus cat.

let's have a little fun, shall we? this is about to be SO SEXY.i know you don't believe me, but i keep trying to tell you bitches that i have a stable full of hot, glistening stallions who love me SO MUCH and adore me and text me and eat dinner with me and call me on the phone and change my lightbulbs and laugh at my jokes and sort out my silly dude problems, yet we do not lick marshmallow fluff out of each other's privates and have never seen one another's "yes, oh my god, keep doing it just like that" faces. which is awesome, i guess, because sex always fucks everything up. PUN INTENDED. but considering that i'm so fucking starved for attention and sometimes walk around harboring like, NINETEEN unrequited crushes at a time, sometimes it's just a fucking bummer. boo hoo.

i was talking to my asshole friend on the phone this morning and he expressed his surprise that so many dudes like, live in my asshole because i'm so dope, yet no dude really like, lives in my asshole 95% of the goddamned time. le shame. and HE maybe would like to sign a month-to-month (please, DAY-TO-DAY) lease but 1 he's gross and awful 2 he's SO FOUL and treats women like shit 3 he's totally allergic to relationships and 4 i know all this shit because we're friends and dudes always want to tell me the exact methods and tricks they use on other bitches. for instance, when this same dude CALLED ME FROM SOME GIRL'S HOUSE after having had sex with her, while he was INSTRUCTING HER HOW TO MAKE HIS BREAKFAST IN THE KITCHEN. orders, i might add, that he was shouting from her bed. shithole! but i love him. just not like that.

and i know i seem all bitter and mean all the goddamned time, but can you blame me?! because even after i get over all of my own personal heartbreaks, my dudefriends illuminate me on their dalliances with the fairer sex and i get pissed off all over again. it's a vicious cycle. anyway, one of my hot friends with balls, the vampire, as i like to call him, has offered to weigh in with his own answers to some of these burning questions i am forever tackling. here are a few things you should know: he is smart. he is ridiculously handsome. he has impeccable manners. he is always spectacularly dressed. he is smooth as an egg. i love him tremendously.

hey. so i just got another amazon delivery, and i'm so excited. i got this book called "i am an emotional creature" by eve ensler, the vagina monologue author. and i got two albums full of amazingness, "odd blood" by yeasayer, my new favorite brooklyn art rock band, and that danger mouse/shins collabo (dang, i'm hip) broken bells. so my ears are happy. my vagina is also in a good mood, because i got sorta-laid in a super-hot way this weekend by this smokin'-ass non-idiot. a semi-naked piece of gorgeous grinding his good-looking wiener against your pajama bottoms after having washed your dishes always fills the sky with rainbows, kittens, and chocolate drops, does it not? IT DOES. i might even be nice today.

so here's what it looks like when a real live grownup with a savings account answers your questions. and because i am a meddlesome busybody i HAVE TO add my comment. here's a key:
dumb bitches.
sexy sam.

let's roll.

my boyfriend's been pushing me to have a threesome. should i?

You should never do anything that you are being pushed into. Peer pressure is so grammar/ high school. The question is do YOU have any interest in having a threesome? Although I am a proponent of trying things at least once, except anything near my bunghole. As a man, I honestly would not want anyone to do something they have no interest in or are uncomfortable with doing. It ruins my enjoyment of the act. So if you have ANY desire to try it, do it, you just might like it... Question is it two girls and a guy, or two guys and one girl? It makes a difference.

see? this dude is totally an adult. doesn't his answer make you want to rim him or something? so kind and considerate. and he uses words like PROPONENT. that is the kind of thing that will get me out of my underwear in half a second flat. now you know. if we are alone together and you are unsure of whether or not i'd risk missing my period for you, just drop a fifty-cent word. if nothing happens, i secretly think you're a scumbag.

i love that despite the fact that the vampire is a good and decent dude, he still is all "if you have ANY desire to try it, do it." kills me. but he does bring up a point i was sorry to have missed, and that is the whole two girls/two guys thing. i am ALL FOR THIS if it's you and two dudes. just as long as it's not a rapey porn kinda things where they've got dicks and fingers rammed in all of your orifices and are tossing you around like a blowup doll. because that's fucking disgusting. i've done this twice, with the same two dudes, and it was SO UNBELIEVEABLY AWESOME. mostly because i didn't do anything, just laid there and reveled in having TWO hot dudes to boss around. "you over here, and you over here." shangri-fucking-la. and at the end i made them kiss, just because it tickled me so much. so, bitch, i'll amend my original answer to say that if your manfriend is progressive and would maybe lean kinda homo, GET ANOTHER MAN IN THAT BED. right now.

i find it hard to climax from intercourse alone, but my boyfriend gets defensive and will not assist me in finishing after he has gotten off. in addition, he hardly ever pays attention to me during foreplay...but loves it when i take care of him. he doesn’t seem to realize that it’s also hurting my feelings, which is making the sex worse. how can i make him less selfish?

You can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do. There is probably no quick fix to this other than getting a new bf who actually cares about his sexual partner. You can try talking about it when you are not in the heat of the moment to see if he gets less defensive about the issue, making sure to state that trouble climaxing during intercourse is not something you have just with him; be very vague, no need to share numbers. You can also try implementing toys that give you that little extra push.

this is really good, mature advice. that i would never take. i'd get my computer and bring up an old (gorgeous) boyfriend's profile and say, "see? this gentleman could bring me to orgasm. and his number is still in my phone." that oughta work. and if it don't? CALL THAT DUDE.

i have a large birthmark in the middle of my lower back — it’s like a tramp stamp gone wrong — that i’ve always been self-conscious about. whenever i’m hooking up with a guy, i try not to show it because i’m embarrassed. i know it sounds silly, but it’s really affecting my sex life. am i worrying too much?

As a dude I say use it for target practice! See if he can shoot his cum within the parameters of your birthmark; if he can next time he gets to cum in your mouth! Seriously any man who gets to see the tramp stamp gone wrong is more interested in sticking his stick in the hole than some abstract painting some 3 year old tatted on your back. Get over it and put that ass in the air!

HILARIOUS. i can't top that.

i've been dating a great guy for a few months, but he goes to church and i don't. he hasn't asked me to go, but i think his church friends look down on me. is this a deal breaker?

Honestly it could be long term, especially if he is strongly influenced by his church friends. This is a fundamental difference in your lives. Is there a specific reason you do not go to church? If he asked will you decline? Is he going to want to dunk your kids in a bath wearing a white dress? My advice is to talk to him about his expectations in the religious/spiritual realm and work your way from there.

i really can't handle this. can i point out that the vampire is younger than i am? yet twice as mature?! how the fuck does that happen?!?!! and i promise you that he has a penis, for those of you who can't imagine that sage, rational advice is springing forth from the fingertips of someone with a Y chromosome. since i can't argue with this sound advice i will instead tell a whore-ror story from my recent history: spanks (i try to use nicknames to protect the innocent, remember?), was a HUGE, crazy catholic. i mean, insanely catholic. except for the fact that he cursed and had premarital sex, of course. anyway, one of the first few times we slept together he was wearing this odd necklace that i didn't really pay any attention to, until it smacked me in the face while he was stroking. i didn't say anything, but then it hit me, like, SIX more times and i was like "yo! what the fuck? that weird wood thing is about to put my fucking eye out. take it off."

he got all serious (he was SUCH a serious dude, ugh), and stopped. cold. i mean, he did that awkward removing-himself-from-inside me thing. then he explained to me, with more of an attitude than i thought was really necessary, that what i thought was a stupid piece of lanyard with a lego attached was an extremely holy and important PIECE OF THE CROSS JESUS HAD BEEN NAILED TO AND SUBSEQUENTLY DIED ON. well color me an idiot. (i am rolling my eyes.) for a second i was like, "how much did that set you back? a hundred million billion triliions?" but i could tell he wasn't in the mood for any of my ridiculous "jokes." that's always the snotty way in which he referred to my humor. you know, because he was a smart and fancy DOCTOR, and my dumbass plays with animals all day and writes jokes. asshole.

then he sat on the side of the bed and prayed for forgiveness for licking my asshole and boning me with the lights on or whatever you nutcases think god is so pissed off at you about. and he prayed EVERY TIME. it was so gross. finally i was like, "we either have to get married or stop fucking," but neither of those things happened and it just sort of dwindled and got progressively more awful until he screamingly ended our two year relationship OVER THE PHONE while i was in the hospital, after i was waking up from having pieces of my small intestines removed via my throat. sexy. i mean seriously, the nurse had to REMOVE THE TUBES from my nose and mouth so i could take that fucking call! what a peach. that is the kind of dude that should wind up in hell, not all of us sexy people who can't keep our dirty hands off each other. so if you reference the bible or sacrament or the eucharist or anything of that nature in my presence, or in my bedroom, i am warning you now that i am not responsible for how i might react.

my boyfriend travels a lot for work, and so we end up having phone sex a couple of times a month. He always describes hot scenarios in which we're doing crazy things, and it turns me on so much. but when we're together, the sex almost never gets beyond missionary. how can i get him to act out the stuff he talks about?

I say keep a transcript/recording of one of these naughty sessions, and then suggest that you re-enact one in real life. Advise him on how hot it makes you to imagine him doing the things he's said in reality. Or you can start off by tying him to the bed and having your way with him. Who said change has to come gradually?!

that recording business is an amazingly great idea. as a matter of fact, get everything a dude ever says or promises to you on tape or in writing. then there's no dispute later when he inevitably fucks it all up. let's all start holding these assholes accountable, and maybe then they'll stop sucking so much. nothing fills my heart with joy more than showing a dirty liar a text message or email or IM that refutes whatever bullshit he is trying to pull on my otherwise unsuspecting ass. really, there is no better feeling. so i am going to outfit my apartment with high-tech FBI-quality recording devices and cameras. and maybe i'll have sprint tap my cell phone, too. wait a minute, george w. bush already did that shit. perfect. bring it on, fellas!

i’d been with my boyfriend for a year when i told him that i’d been faking orgasms the entire time we’d been together. it really hurt him, and he got mad. we haven’t broken up, but we also haven’t had sex for
weeks. what can I do to make him want to again?

Well after outing yourself as a liar, you've dug yourself a pretty deep hole, I suggest filling it with his cock!!! I mean it! Head and lots of head. But seriously do you understand the amount of trust issues you've created? He will from this point on question every "orgasm" you have, even if it's the real deal. You've attacked his manhood on a very basic level, not being able to satisfy his woman. First apologize profusely, definitely including the aforementioned deep-throating. Then open a dialogue about what can work so you have honest to goodness orgasms caused by his prowess. It may take awhile before he opens up to you sexually, which is totally your fault, but if he's still there he cares on some level.

hilarious! and a total dude answer. "it's okay that you lied, just suck his dick!" well, that strategy always works for me. but so does yelling "THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" when the sex is weak. which, i will reiterate, which is why i never have to fake it. i fix the problem before it even is one.

so dudes are deadly serious about that manhood business, huh? i've made it my life's goal to try to destroy every ounce of testosterone i ever run across, and i would CERTAINLY never apologize for it. maybe i'll stop that, if only to test whether or not "manhood" is something any dude i've ever met actually possesses. i'll keep you posted.

a few months ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of three years. but now the person i’m dating is afraid to have sex because he doesn’t want to be a rebound. how can i convince the new guy that i’m over my ex?

You can't, he is your rebound! The issue is it's not all he HAS to be. The only thing you can do is be open and honest with him about your feelings for him. Don't be overly effusive because that smacks of a cover up; and don't keep things too close to your chest because then you'll leave him guessing. NEVER leave him to his own thoughts; it will bode ill. It's a precarious balancing act but hell, it's better than walking on a tightrope. Oh yeah, and try to keep the calling him by your ex's name to a minimum!

"never leave him to his own thoughts" is all i'm taking from this. next!

my boyfriend used to do these really sweet, thoughtful things for me. now he never surprises me with anything cute, and for my last birthday, he only gave me a card! what can i do to get him to care as much as he used to?

What makes you think he cares less? It may not be a caring issue, but a comfortability issue. You feel like old comfy sweats now, and he treats you accordingly. Spice things up, become more elusive. Go out with your friends. Be the person you were when he first started courting you and he may get back into the swing of things.

well this makes me want to jump off a fucking building. dudes get to become "old sweats" thirty minutes after making my acquaintance, but I somehow have to keep it fresh and new and exciting for the rest of my goddamned life. exactly when is the age where all you do is eat sandwiches and watch tv together? please fast forward me to that point in my stupid life. lucky for me my hot weekend dude is totally rad and likes all the same movies i do, and he was perfectly happy to drink juicy juice boxes, to eat the delicious dinner i prepared with my own two hands, to quote jackie brown and casino from beginning to end with me, and to have sex-on-top-of-clothes with me. is that going to become boring to him eventually?

SHIT. because, although i am hardly trying to be mrs. anybody, i'd like to have someone to hang out with for more than 37 seconds. but if "spicing things up" is part of the long-term equation, that's probably going to be the shelf life on all of my future relations. because i don't have fucking time for that. i'm too busy writing about dumb shit and being fucking awesome to worry about spicing it up for some assbag of a dude.

BUT. i would be TOTALLY willing to dip into my spice rack and sprinkle a little cinnamon on it if it was guaranteed that homeboy wasn't going to devolve into a miserable, boring, lifeless waste of space over the years. there isn't a man on the planet who gets more vibrant and interesting the longer you spend time hanging out with his ridiculous ass, so if this scientific impossibility were to somehow present himself on my doorstep i would gladly fellate him while hanging upside down from a jungle gym in broad daylight dressed in a pirate costume.

because that asshole would be worth it.
lovelovelovelovelove. YOU, especially.