Tuesday, March 30, 2010

dusty trick bitch.

this post is kind of a cheat. no pun intended. i wrote this little bit of a piece for our trollop show in january. you know, the one most of you bitches decided to skip in favor of licking some dude's grody old balls or sticking your thumb in your butts or whatever. listen, i don't care anymore. i'm over it. OBVIOUSLY. when the dvd of the show is finished i'll be able to show you better than i can tell you here, but simbryt and akilah sang robin thicke's "teach you a lesson," and between the verses i read this bullshit, then did a hilarious vamp at the end. i'll send you the dvd when i get it, i swear. just use your imaginations or something.
hot for teacher.

so i decided to go back to school a year ago. and it was a really agonizing, excruciating decision. not because this bitch is dumb. and not because this bitch is broke. but because this bitch is getting OLD.

it has taken me longer than i’d like to admit to realize that my goddamned ass is old. but slowly and surely i am fucking catching on. i have to exfoliate every day, and i have to use night cream. i have arthritis in my foot. i have to use a bra with more than two hooks. i have a grody little patch of chin stubble that has to be “dealt with” regularly. i read the fucking new yorker. and i like to be in bed with a book by ten o’clock. at night. when i was a hot young trollop i’d get home at ten in the fucking morning, rinse with listerine, slap on another coat of deodorant, and roll right back out of the house and go to work. i kept changes of clothes in the trunk of my car, and a ziploc full of makeup in the glove box. i spent every day straddling last night’s hangover and today’s buzz, and my skin still looked like i washed it with angel tears. not so today. these days i need 27 hours of sleep and a bucket of fresh virgin blood to look halfway decent in the morning.

youth is fleeting and elusive, and staying ahead of the curve just grows increasingly more difficult the earlier you go to bed and the more money that accrues in your 401k. the first day of school i realized i was totally in over my fucking head. these kids nowadays are skinnier than you could possibly imagine, and they’re so fucking fashionable with their painted-on jeans and colorful hoodies and oversized plastic glasses. it made me feel like my own grandmother that first day, walking in wearing my sensible gym shoes and appropriately-sized sweater.

what the FUCK is the deal with the young girls and their preemie-sized outfits?! is it really too much to ask a bitch to cover her motherfucking c-section scar?! i mean, goddamn. i have pubic hair too, bitch, but the difference is that MY hidden rainforest remains just that: HIDDEN.

so i don’t have the right hair. definitely don’t have the right shoes, and my clothes are a dead giveaway that i have what some might call “personal responsibility.” or, a “full time job.” i hate everything about this shit: i hate shiny linoleum floors, i hate the bulletin boards papered with ads for clubs that’ll never gain membership and raggedy ass books people are trying to sell that no one wants to buy.

essentially, i am a miserable bag of shit that should’ve pulled her ass together twelve years ago and gotten a degree before her breasts looked like those of some indigenous head-basket women being fed by sally struthers. but i couldn’t, because real life got in the way. or maybe i just didn’t. or worse, WOULDN’T.
but you know what I don’t hate? young fucking dudes. jesus. there is simply nothing hotter than a twenty-year-old asshole, big and awkward with extra testosterone coursing through his body like as electric current. you can smell the sex on these dudes. it smells like sweat socks and xbox, and it’s totally fucking delicious. i want me one.

ostensibly, i am in school studying math so that one day i might teach, but i’m not sure how plausible that is for me as a career choice. one of my favorite movies of all time is “notes on a scandal.” maybe you’ve seen it? or maybe you’re such a smartypants that you’ve read the book?! well, i absolutely understand if you’ve done neither, especially if you are an african-american, but i’m a filthy ass dirtbag so of course i’ve done BOTH. because the story revolves around a hot middle-aged art teacher who has a torrid love affair with (and by “love affair” i mean “fucks the shit out of”) this little sophomore in one of her classes. like i said, HOT. she fucked that dude outside next to some abandoned railroad tracks, in the art room while the rest of the kids were at a christmas assembly in the nearby auditorium, and in the guest cottage behind the house where she lived with her children and husband. hot damn!

and when people found out they were all scandalized and shit, judgmental bastards. i just didn’t understand that nonsense. all right. i understand that it is ILLEGAL, but what i don’t understand is acting like you don’t understand why she did it. hence my apprehension about my ability to be a fair and honest teacher-type person. first of all, standing in the midst of those raging hormones every day is sure to cause some sort of chemical imbalance, and i might not be able to control myself, you know? i’d be trying to teach algorithms and matrices and shit while sweating through my shirt and imagining the linebacker in the back row in a dog collar. i’d have to wear a diaper or something.

second, i would totally exchange sex for grades. “extra credit” could take on a whole new meaning in my classroom. forget tearing my hair out trying to grade mountains of hastily done makeup homework, i’d just install one of those fold-down beds next to the chalkboard. and when i tell a little dude to see me after class (wink), he’ll know we’re not going to be working on anything too complex. i’m going to teach him how to divide (my legs) and add (his private parts to mine) and multiply (my orgasms). zing.

what is hilarious about reading this business, in hindsight at least, is that i recently dropped my sweet ass OUT of school for the semester, because i fucked my computer up and i'm too tired and blah blah blah whine blah. and as much as i feel like i SHOULD miss it, i DON'T. and you kids better figure out something for me to study, because the minute i start thinking about teaching, i'm going to have to take this blog down. no one is going to let me around their fucking children writing shit like this.

for cereal. can you imagine the facebook/blogosphere/internet search of my name and the sheer chaos that would ensue? it doesn't matter WHAT the fuck i do at this bitchass job i've got now. i've been shucking and jiving around here for eight goddamned years. what the fuck does jim care if i write about my vagina on the internets all day? he already doesn't say shit when i come to work drunk and surly in dirty jeans with my tits on toast out, putting my name tag on upside down or on the inside of my sleeve or wherever. i am insolent and bossy and cruel, and i NEVER get to work on time. i am mean to clients and mouthy with my coworkers. i'm not good at sharing, i don't want anyone to ever touch anything of mine (regardless of the fact that i leave my shit EVERYWHERE), but i am killer good at this shit, so i get a pass. really, these bitches LOVE me around here. so what are a person's options when she's reeeeeeally not compelled to do SHIT? i'll let you know what i come up with.

i don't want to say too much, but this list of bitches was written by a third grader. if you don't believe me, i'll send you the link so you can read it in her handwriting. being a huge bitch and all, i HAD to repost. i mean, COME ON. (also, i am easily 30 or more of these.) enjoy!

Types of Bitches

1) Dirty dumb ass bitches
2) Ain't got no ass bitches
3) Dusty trick bitches
4) Fishy bitches
5) Don’t know how to fight bitches
6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches
7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that
8) Can’t keep a man bitch
9) Track wearing bitches
10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man
11) Hoochie looking bitches
12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches
13) Stupid bitches that act dumb
14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy
15) Want to be jocking bitches
16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone
17) Bitches who think they better than me
18) Instigating bitches
19) Talking behind your back bitches
20) Loud mouth bitches
21) Pissy bitches
22) Stingy bitches
23) Funky looking bitches
24) Short hair bitches
25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair
26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you
27) Staring in your face bitches
28) Big eyed looking bitches
29) Crazy bitches
30) Nappy tender headed bitches
31) Booty shorts wearing bitches
32) Coast-signing bitches
33) Dick riding bitches
34) Whipped bitches
35) Buck tooth bitches
36) Cheesy teeth bitches
37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches
38) Ghetto bitches
39) Hair dyeing bitches
40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches
41) Bitches who think they hard
42) Bitches that think they get money
43) Bitches that go to a dirty school
44) (page missing)
45) (page missing)
46) (page missing)
47) (page missing)
48) (page missing)
49) (page missing)
50) (page missing)
51) (page missing)
52) (page missing)
53) (page missing)
54) (page missing)
55) (page missing)
56) (page missing)
57) (page missing)
58) (page missing)
59) Gay bitches
60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches
61) Tomboy bitches
62) Stain on your pants bitches
63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches
64) Dirty hair bitches
65) Stealing bitches
66) Stinky feet bitches
67) Big gap bitches
68) Protecting their store bitches
69) Pajamas outside bitches
70) Ragly braid bitches
71) Stanky butt bitches
72) Greedy bitches
73) Slimy grimy bitches
74) Psycho bitches
75) Drug dealing bitches
76) Geekin’ bitches
77) Suntanning bitches
78) Goofy looking bitches
79) Triflin’ bitches
80) Skanky bitches
81) Mugging bitches
82) Sloppy bitches
83) Dirty fingernails bitches
84) Dirty sock wearing bitches
85) Uncreative bitches
86) White bitches that think black people poor
87) Conceited bitches
88) Tall bitches
89) Short bitches
90) Jealous bitches

until next time, you gay, uncreative, stanky butt, dirty fingernails bitches. i heart you! (oh look, more inner beauty.)