Tuesday, March 9, 2010

the sexpert?

that's what laura just called me when i asked her if she wanted to help me with this task at hand.

"no, i don't. YOU'RE the sexpert," she said in that tone she reserves especially to castigate me. so there you have it. i'm official. at least according to laura.
"sexpert" is one of those sexy words that cosmo uses to describe sexy stuff to its sexy readers.
bitch, i don't work out, i "sexercise."
fuck your vacation, i'm going on a "sexcapade."
and so forth.

i have no qualifications other than a dirty mouth and a healthy interest in getting these sugar walls tended to, but let's pretend that means something for real.

i have no real reason to insert this here, but i just NEED to tell you that my most favorite thing i read on the internet this week (and i read as much shit on the internet as i can possibly cram into my teeny tiny brain) is this little dude advising this other little dude on facebook, in regard to being kicked out of class for the day by his teacher ms. smith, to "scrap that hoe before you leave." WHAT?! that is the greatest thing i've ever read in my entire stupid life! that is AMAZING. i want "scrapped that hoe before she left" printed on my fucking epitaph.

all right, bitches. we haven't done this in SO LONG. let's climb back up on the horse and get this shit show started, shall we? the interwebs are TEEMING with clueless sluts that need our guidance. let the fuckery begin.

my boyfriend's been pushing me to have a threesome. should i?
OH MAN, this bums me out. shouldn't the word "pushing" tell this dummy everything she needs to know? maybe it's just me, but i don't give AN INCH when it comes to something i'm not willing to do. you know why? because one time it's "threesome," and the next time it's "why don't you see if your grandmother will let us videotape her sodomizing a dog?" dudes are fucking outrageous. that's why i let them know UP FRONT the maximum nastiness they can ever expect to encounter in my boudoir. i get everything out of the dirty drawer and explain what goes where and ask whether or not he'd be into that. then i list the things that will never happen, unless a large sum of money deposited in my account beforehand is involved.

i have mentioned in passing that dude i dated who liked to get peed on, and EVEN HE wanted some extra shit! i was like, "seriously, sir? i already PEE ON YOU. what more could you possibly NEED?" it's always goddamned something. so if you're not into it, don't do it. there are no takebacks when it comes to letting your best friend straddle your manfriend while you stick your finger in his butt or whatever. end it.

i find it hard to climax from intercourse alone, but my boyfriend gets defensive and will not assist me in finishing after he has gotten off. in addition, he hardly ever pays attention to me during foreplay...but loves it when i take care of him. he doesn’t seem to realize that it’s also hurting my feelings, which is making the sex worse. how can i make him less selfish?
as much as dudes wear my ass out, it is totally the women who make me want to stick a rifle between my teeth. first of all, i don't believe in this "hardly ever pays attention...but loves it when i take care of him" bullshit. take notes, bitches: don't do ANYTHING until he's done at least one thing for you. and i don't mean he did a "sexy striptease" (barf) or administered a "sensual back rub" (triple barf) for 30 seconds before he jumps on top of you. i try not to do SHIT until i get something i like from the sexual goody jar. because that inercoursegasm doesn't happen for me, either, but it's not like i have to send a search party out for her; i know EXACTLY where to look. and i'm superb at giving directions.

to the left, up an inch, STOP.

i've had a couple dudes roll over, yank the condom off, and refuse to help me out and guess what? i don't sleep with those dudes anymore! what a novel concept! i must be a fucking GENIUS. what's perplexing about this bitch in particular is that she wants him to realize he's hurting her feelings because he's so selfish and whine whine whine whine. why is this a situation you'd even try to remedy? is "less selfish" something a person could ever become? SHUT UP and stop fucking this dude.

i have a large birthmark in the middle of my lower back — it’s like a tramp stamp gone wrong — that i’ve always been self-conscious about. whenever i’m hooking up with a guy, i try not to show it because i’m embarrassed. i know it sounds silly, but it’s really affecting my sex life. am i worrying too much?
yes, you are. dudes are like oxen. he probably wouldn't even notice if you had a dick.

alternately, you could fuck a dude while wearing a snow suit, thermal underwear, two parkas, a fur trapper hat, and wellies (whatever you feel you need to best cover the offending blemish) and as long as there was a little hole through which he could force his erection, he wouldn't give half a fuck what you were wearing. one day i'm going to splash battery acid in some dude's face while we're doing it just to see if he notices. or breaks stride. (but i betcha he won't. because they just don't fucking CARE.)

i've been dating a great guy for a few months, but he goes to church and i don't. he hasn't asked me to go, but i think his church friends look down on me. is this a deal breaker?
do you even have to ask what MY answer to this is?! let's just say that what i do doesn't really mesh with a lot of super churchy people. and let's ALSO just say that a lot of those hypocrites are superficially churchy and vocally judgemental yet privately steering the fucking sin wagon. i was raised in church, as were most heathens, and i can recite the lord's prayer and the apostles' creed and all that. but i am ALSO a raging boozebag who curses up a storm and is mean to small children.

isn't it hilarious that CHURCH PEOPLE, the kind who believe in a risen christ who befriended lepers and whores, are the first ones to look down on someone? i am too loud and irritable to go to church, which is why i don't anymore. especially since it's against the rules to pray for bad stuff. i got a LONG talking to in the second grade when my mom (nosy bitch) eavesdropped on my bedtime prayers and heard me asking god to kill aaron because he pushed me off the swings. i like to think of god like santa claus with better elves. daddy godbucks. when i "pray," it's just a thinly disguised wish list. and i never say thank you. every time i take these cancer pills or have miserable diarrhea i look to the hills from which cometh my help and say, "you owe me a new ipod."

WWJD? tell this asshole and his prosyletizing friends to go to hell and find some hot disciples to worship him. naked.

my boyfriend travels a lot for work, and so we end up having phone sex a couple of times a month. he always describes hot scenarios in which we're doing crazy things, and it turns me on so much. but when we're together, the sex almost never gets beyond missionary. how can i get him to act out the stuff he talks about?
this happened to me sort of. false advertising KILLS ME. mostly because eventually they will have to put their money where their mouths are. you can't get a bitch all revved up for buttery steak and walk in with a dry hamburger. that's just not fair. what, you thought i wouldn't remember that you told me you would make my HEAD EXPLODE?! that's the only reason i continued hanging out with your ignorant ass! to get to the head explosion part! it's so fucking frustrating, especially when you're trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings while he has his pants off or whatever. ugh.

i don't know how to goddamn solve this. write "you suck in bed" on his facebook wall or something. see if that helps.

i’d been with my boyfriend for a year when i told him that i’d been faking orgasms the entire time we’d been together. it really hurt him, and he got mad. we haven’t broken up, but we also haven’t had sex for weeks. what can i do to make him want to again?
dumb whore. are you girls really faking it? STOP THAT. you're fucking it up for the rest of us. i've had a dude or three who started looking for my o face after three seconds of lackluster pumping, and i always laugh. ALOUD. like "are you serious?!" who is it that you've been with who made you think that having your junk in the vicinity of my hot junk was enough to make that happen? if a dude is finished before i am i say, "I AM NOT DONE" at the top of my lungs and make that dickbag get back to work. and if he doesn't roll back over and get back to work i will put him out of my goddamned house. so this faking it business is completely foreign to me. why do you do it? to spare his ego? if he can't bring a human-type woman to orgasm, he DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE HIS EGO SPARED. it's not brain surgery. i have no respect for a woman who does this, compromises her pleasure for the sake of some shit-eating dude. you make us look dumb, and that makes me nauseous.

so go back to faking it, idiot, and spend the rest of your life mired in crippling sexual frustration. you charred piece of human waste. or kill yourself.

a few months ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of three years. but now the person i’m dating is afraid to have sex because he doesn’t want to be a rebound. how can i convince the new guy that i’m over my ex?
have your ex murdered. then burn his house down. even the most fragile male ego can handle having a ghost as competition. the upshot? your ex doesn't get to breathe or walk around enjoying his life anymore!

two birds, one stone.

my boyfriend used to do these really sweet, thoughtful things for me. now he never surprises me with anything cute, and for my last birthday, he only gave me a card! what can i do to get him to care as much as he used to?
this bitch should count her fucking blessings. the last time i got something from a "boyfriend" other than an e-card or a text message was...uh...um...


greedy bitch. i'd push you in front of a moving train for a card. that was actually purchased? from a STORE?! and had a real live SIGNATURE in it?!?!! sheeit.

overall, i enjoy sex with my boyfriend of six months. but when he climaxes, his body goes into what seems like an epileptic fit, and he makes this moaning sound that really throws off my mojo. it makes me want to crack up. should i broach the subject or will that make it worse?
does "broach the subject" mean "videotape the hell out of that shit?!" maybe i've just been with too many of these cool, silent orgasm dudes, but that would tickle the shit out of me. i hate when you have to fucking CHECK. "are you done, homie?" "was that awesome enough for you?" "are you still fucking AWAKE?!"

that's a bummer, man! heaven forbid you actually intimate that you enjoyed this sexual experience. making sex noise OBVIOUSLY makes you a pussy, right? i would love for some dude to have a seizure. really, i would. i'd have my vagina bronzed and call up the guinness book. i'd get a letter jacket with "seizure snatch" monogrammed on it. can you imagine that as a selling point?! "i don't know if you could handle me, dude. i've been known to make motherfuckers have epileptic fits." i'd have them lined up around the block. and you better believe i'd charge a cover. the one time john had an asthma attack during sex i couldn't shut up about it for three fucking weeks. a seizure?! look for me on oprah, bitches.

forget about mojo. and make sure you keep a spoon next to the bed.

i’ve been dating a guy for three months, and things are getting serious. we have met each other’s families and friends, and the sex is great. we’ve even said the L word. but he tells everyone we’re just friends. where is this going?
NOWHERE. end it.

i’m a smart, good-looking, independent girl, and i have no problem attracting men. but all the guys i meet only want a physical relationship. could i be doing something to encourage this? how do i get them to want more?
wash that scarlet letter off your chest, you tramp. oh, kidding. dudes are just dudes, i guess. do they ever want more? i mean, i know they want to watch movies with you sometimes and maybe eat a meal across from you in a restaurant once every six months, but do they ever really want MORE?! what more do you want? because here's the more they don't want: to listen to all the boring shit you talk about all the time, to meet your stupid friends, to pretend to be into the dumb shit you're into, to watch the dumbass tv shows you like to watch, to go shopping with you, to try all of your recipe "experiments." i don't effing know how you EVER get a dude to "want" to go to bed bath and beyond or to "want" to hang with your grandma all afternoon.

i don't know, man. that's what i have ladyfriends for. i shop and cry and watch dumb ass shit with WOMEN. never have i ever been standing in crate and barrel and thought to myself, "i wish i had a boyfriend to help me decide which trivets to buy." shit. i like to go to target with vaginas. because they can actually tell me whether or not tilex works, and they won't roll their eyes while doing it. then we can stand in the magazine section and riff on all the obvious photoshopping. really, you think some dude wants to spend seven hours milling around the mall with you? NEVER.

i like to have a dude around for: jokes, fixing broken shit, beating people up, paying for things, and banging. keep it simple, sister.

after my boyfriend and i have sex, he always rushes to put his underwear back on. how can i get him to enjoy the moment and cuddle naked with me?
this weirds me out. i understand it, i suppose. in theory. but in practice, have you ever touched a dude's slimy, shrunken junk? it's like a pile of escargot or a newborn puppy, all small and greasy with its eye sealed shut. grody little damp giblets running for cover in his taint, or wherever it is they disappear to. and shouldn't you be rushing to piss out that UTI you're about to develop, with all his cockteria swimming up your urethra? so who cares what he's doing? get up and take a piss! or else interrupt the cuddle later to run to the pharmacy for uristat and cranberry supplements. fucking gross.

but if you still aren't satisfied, go to the butcher and buy half a pound of beef liver or chicken gizzards, then unwrap them and place them at the small of your back before you fall asleep. you'll never know the difference.

my boyfriend never spends the night with me. sometimes he’ll come over late, and we’ll hook up. he may even fall asleep, but he always wakes up and leaves at three or four in the morning. what do you think is going on?
his wife is mean. obviously.

my live-in boyfriend has become obsessed with working out. he goes to the gym every night after dinner and on saturday and sunday mornings. i think it’s great that he’s found something he loves, but i want him to spend that time with me. i asked him to try going before work, but he said he has trouble waking up that early. i feel like i never see him anymore, and i’m starting to wonder if it’s intentional. what do you think?
i think dudes are mostly boring. and that when you're in a long-term relationship with one of them, the more time he has away from YOUR boring ass to do things that he's into is fucking awesome. here's another reason i'm a bitch: when i meet couples, or hang with couples, or think about couples, the first thing i think is "what the fuck do they TALK about?" i mean, for real? when you're with someone all the goddamned time, how interesting could he possibly be? that's why it's fun to eff people in relationships already or who live far away, because they've always got something going on in their lives.

what could i ask you about if i just saw you this morning? and you go to the same job that i don't really care about every single day? i don't know your coworkers. your boss doesn't matter to me. so if you just come straight home to stare at my unineteresting ass, we are obviously going to have to break up. because we've exhausted everything we could ever talk about. seriously, though. what else is there to say after eight months? that's why you have to go out and do shit, so you can come home and say, "hey bitch, here's some shit i have NEVER SAID TO YOU BEFORE." wow! what a treat! you have something new to tell me? awesome! i better cancel that affair i was about to start!

i need to be on some big love shit. wouldn't that be magical? as it is i try to keep a rotating stable of homeboys who fill different roles in my life. (except right now there isn't one in the "penis" role; i'll be holding open casting all week. email me for details.) if i could have three or four husbands, every time i got tired of one's nonsense there'd be another right there to entertain me. and by the time i circled back to the original, he'd seem all fresh and shiny and new again. in other words, bitch, you are crazy. dudes need hobbies. and while he's at the gym you could start boning his brother or whatever for a little variety. get in a little workout of your own.

i've been out a few times with this guy who is cute, sweet, funny and he does everything right, but i'm just not attracted to him. how can i let him down gently?
now i'm mad. this is so CRAZY. maybe i've had too many dudes who do EVERYTHING WRONG, but you bet your sweet ass if i met one who did everything right i'd be washing his feet with my hair, not writing a letter to cosmo to figure out the best way to dump him. i didn't even read their answer to this, i was so pissed. this stupid bitch should be dragged out in front of a fucking firing squad. I HATE HER.

what is this "not attracted" business? cute, sweet, funny. hmmm. yeah, he sounds like a total shitpussy. i kind of feel like chicks like this are the ones who secretly want a dude to drop kick them down a flight of stairs or whatever. or maybe my man standards (mandards?) are way too fucking low. my list, in order of priority, looks someting like this: HILARIOUS, NOT AN IDIOT, NICE, NOT AN ASSHOLE, HILARIOUS, SMART, FUNNY, WITTY, SHARP, BRAINY, HILARIOUS, SMART, BRILLIANT, HILARIOUS, NOT DUMB, ABLE TO GROW A BEARD, HILARIOUS, LONG TESTICLES. is that too much to ask for? handsome doesn't even make the fucking list, because while i appreciate a face that's nicely constructed and neatly put together, hot dudes are too much fucking work. it's not a requirement. and everyone is sexy in his own way. i wouldn't kick a hot piece out of bed, but the minute he started trying to order his own food off the menu and not letting me pick out his clothes he's getting a boot in his ass. i'd rather have a dude who looked like mask and could nail a punchline rather than some dumbshit denzel clone.

my answer is: break up with him and give him my phone number. we'll toast you at our wedding.

i recently started dating someone, and we've already had sex a few times. lately, though, i've been having some gynecological issues, and i'm not supposed to have intercourse for a few weeks. it's nothing gross, but i don't feel like we're far enough along in our relationship to clue him in. still, i keep turning him down for sex, and i feel like he's getting kind of frustrated. should i tell him the truth?
NO. tell him you have crohn's, and that it's out of remission. that's what i do. he'll run screaming from anything below your waist. you're welcome.

my boyfriend treats me like a princess, but whenever we have sex, he always says raunchy things to me like "do you want it, bitch?" he's normally the sweetest guy ever. why does he all of a sudden get so naughty during sex?
i don't understand what the goddamned problem is. fucking puritan.

i've been dating this guy for a month, and we just recently started sleeping together. the thing is, he never lets me sleep over and won't stay at my place either. after sex, he'll cuddle for half an hour, then he'll make up an excuse about having to go or he'll ask if he can drive me home. he seems to like me, so why wouldn't he want me to spend the night?
it's so sad when women don't know that they're the "other." sigh. this shit doesn't matter to me, because i prefer to sleep in my own bed. alone. BUT. it is totally irritating when some dude is trying to be slick and thinks he can fuck two bitches at the same time. so, despite the fact that i like nothing better than to wake up solo in a place that actually has cereal and a french press, i always kick dudes who seem like they're up to some shady business straight to the curb. who has time to snatch some bitch's weave out when she walks in and wants to fight you over some retarded dude? fuck that shit.

either that or he lives with his mama. and he needs to get your ass out before she gets back from the riverboat.

my guy wants to experiment with sex toys designed for men. any suggestions?
i hope this doesn't scare off any potential suitors (yeah right), but i like to humiliate a dude as much as possible for my amusement. i don't think there's anything remotely sexual about a dude in a dog collar, but i have one because it's purposely HILARIOUS. and proof that a dude will let you do ANYTHING to him so long as he gets off sometime during it. some girls will plunder your wallet and drain all your resources to make themselves laugh, but i make more money than any dude i've ever hollered at, and where's the fun in robbing the poor? i can buy my own shit. so i get my kicks the bdsm way, blindfolding and spanking the snot out of these idiots. so get all the butt plugs and anal beads and nipple clamps you can carry, but don't tell him about them until he's all greased up and quivering and ready to go. i bet you all the money in my bank account that not only will he not leave, but he'll be begging for it next time. mark my words.

(and if i'm wrong, you'll have enough for a starbucks. and maybe some tacos. it's a win-win.)

sometimes i feel like i have to urinate during sex. i've heard that G-spot stimulation can cause that sensation, but i get so freaked out i'll wet the bed that i lose my arousal. what should i do?
omg, you should totally pee! his selfish ass won't notice and, if he does, tell him that he has has the power to summon the elusive, much sought-after female ejaculation. pat him on the head, and then make him taste it. just to give yourself a chuckle.

i want to try the reverse cowgirl position with my boyfriend, but i'm not quite sure how to do it. any tips?
of course. here's one: try it on an actual HORSE first. maybe that will teach you to quit attempting ridiculous sexual positions to try and actualize some asshole's stupid porn fantasies. idiot.

i love you bitches the most. have a good day, lovers.