Friday, May 21, 2010

i am soft.

this is what i read at funny ha-ha. because i am a sap and i love you i am posting it. and i got a bunch of emails and shit from salty bitches who don't live in chicago bitching about how it's not fair because they'd come see me if i lived in houston or phoenix or new york or wherever and why should they be punished because my chicaghoes are wack? and that is 100% correct. plus, i'm fucking lazy.

dude, i think i have entirely too much visible workplace cleavage today. in case you were wondering. this shit is best read aloud, by me, and i'll read it to anyone who wants me to. otherwise i'm sure it'll sound pretty good coming from your mouth, too. it's like "casey at the bat." if "casey at the bat" was about getting my smelly vagina waxed. happy weekend! xo

my summer vacation.

1 call me naive, but i wasn't aware

that some men have preferences for a woman's hair.

seriously, i had no idea that they cared

about styling and grooming and primping DOWN THERE.

2 a blissfully ignorant hippie i was

wontonly passing around this hot tush,

not having even the faintest idea

of the offenses i was committing with this burning bush.

3 no one ever told me what i had to do

of the upkeep and time and care that is needed,

and i never bothered to check that shit out

these stupid assholes should be glad just to SEE it.

4 my mom and i never had a chat about sex

no heart-to-heart talks about sperm joining eggs;

she never taught me how a tampon goes in

and could hardly be bothered to help shave my legs.

5 little did i know that everyone else

was on some pubic hair maintenance plan,

trimming and waxing and nair-ing, OH MY!

probably at the insistence of some stupid man.

6 well thank god i only fuck pieces of shit

who could give a shit less what they have to dig through,

foraging around a forest is SO not a problem

for a dude who forgot that he'd left on his SHOES.

7 until down from the heavens an angel did fall

and when i say "heaven" you should hear "internet"

and "angel" means "dude with a good email hustle"

who had a number of prerequisites before we'd even MET.

the most startling of which was not his request

to put on a dog collar and be my sex slave

oh no, that was preferable as a matter of fact

to his suggestion that my ladyparts be sculpted and shaved.

9 "do other girls do this?" i wondered aloud

then texted every single bitch in my phone.

"OH YES, ABSOLUTELY" was the resounding response.

"how else can you expect to find a hot dude to bone?"

"who the hell cares?" this hairy feminist raged,

channeling my internal gloria steinem.

but hot dudes had proven to be somewhat elusive

and my labia and i were determined to find them.

"i'm calling to make an appointment," i whispered,

voice filled with shame and fear and doubt.

"ugh, what do you need?" snapped the bitch on the phone.


12 i went on a wednesday, directly from work

to ensure that my punk ass went through with the plan.

and met with yelenaoksanamarie

from belarusromaniauzbekistan.

13 "take off the pants" she commanded and smiled,

"let us see exactly what we dealing with."

i did as she asked and she GASPED in surprise

"for how long are you have been growing this shit?!"

14 i lay on the table and said, "just clean it up,"

dyyyying from embarrassment and blistering shame.

"my mom is bohemian!" i offhandedly joked,

and she said, "no, i don't think knowing that name."

15 "it's just like the gyne," i said in my head,

trying desperately to calm my poor self.

"pull tight the skin," yelena instructed.

WHOA, wait a minute bitch. you need me to help?!

16 for twenty-five minutes i pulled while she ripped

i was irritated out of my mind, so much WORK.

oksana was huffing and sweaty as hell

while i almost CRIED, because that shit HURT.

17 the room was too hot, the lights were too bright

i thought for sure i was going to faint

"i almost am finish!" svetlana came up to say

and then i felt hot wax being spread on my TAINT.

18 "what are you doing?" i screamed way too loud,

trying to peer at her over my gut.

i thought she was just going to do some spring cleaning,

why was she tearing hair out of my BUTT?

19 "what is the wrong?" olga asked innocently,

wiping her damp unibrow with her sleeve.

"baby, you tore my whole asshole apart,

and it feels like you splashed it with hot bacon grease!"

20 so i let her finish, what else could i do?

i couldn't walk around with a half-naked poon.

i paid ninety dollars of my hard-earned cash

and checked into the nearest emergency room.

i jumped in the shower as soon as i got home,

looked down and said, "i haven't seen you in YEARS!"

but it was so hard to tell what she really looked like

through the "ouch!" and the "oh!" and the "yow!" and the tears.

22 needless to say, my gentleman caller

was HARDLY worth the effort i put in.

but it's not his fault, to match me he would've needed

the penis of ten thousand strapping young men.

23 there was newfound power in my freshly bald eagle

and she made demands no mere mortal could fulfill.

so lonely and celibate and horny i remain

after my vagina came back from her trip to brazil.