Friday, May 14, 2010

snip! snip! snip!

1 i lost the bet. because laziness trumps everything, and that hair was starting to cut into the time i set aside for eating cereal and using my vibrator and daydreaming while staring at the wall. it looks amazing and wonderful and sexy and chic, plus you can see my whole adorable face. win.

2 the dude who cuts my goddamned hair is a monolith of chocolate sex appeal, and he has a super-deep voice and talks very softly and intimately and caresses my face (and by that i mean "tilts it so he can line up my kitchen"). every time i get a haircut after growing this raggedy shit out i see his face and think, "what the fuck was i fucking DOING?" but he has seven goddamned children, so the hair on my head is all he'll ever get to touch. i mean, come on. i'm surprised i don't get pregnant just from sitting in his goddamned chair.

3 i talk a lot of shit about being horrible and mean, but after 137 beers and shots i just can't stop fucking smiling. actually, i kind of smile all the fucking time. and jenny looks like the bottle of jameson she just drank. smooth and sexy and brown. ginger took this while we were waiting for a table at big star, and you can see geno and andy discussing rocket science or whatever in the background. i hope you're noticing that TACOS are at the top of that menu.

4 my favorite things to wear are: dark flared jeans that are tight in the ass, black crocs capri flip clops (fuck you), black american apparel deep v summer shirts, killer jewelry, blush, and SO MANY SCARVES. i love scarves. and i spend so much money on them. the one in this picture was eighty-five bucks a few years ago.  it's as big as a goddamned comforter. and i heart it so much.

5 i just made this happy weekend mix for you because i love you so much and i want you to have good jams:
"universe, i love you" by parralox.
"sentimental x's" by broken social scene.
"never ending romance disaster" by anoraak."look me in the eye, sister" by groove armada. (the urchins remix!)
"can you kiss me first" by college."promiscuity" by antigone.
"angry" by the bug."bleeding words" by elegant machinery."we are technology" by technologic."what's mine is yours" by sleater-kinney."step back" by northern kind."don't be funny" by dragonette.
"how does is feel?" by marsheaux."hot girlz in love" by fm attack."i can't tell you why" by chromeo.
"pressure boom" by ricky t.

you know the deal. download these bitches. play them loud. dance around your place. pretend you are awesome. repeat.

6 i'm buying another tattoo for travis this weekend i think, and that always makes me antsy to get another one. kalonji, who drew two of my arm pieces, drew this gigantic neck piece for me a couple weeks ago, but if i get it that pretty much guarantees that i have to stay at my current job FOREVER, because this dude doesn't care about that shit. or publish a million bestsellers or hit the fucking lottery. it would cover the entire side of my neck, curl up behind and over my ear, wrap around a little bit onto my throat, and crawl up the back of my scalp. for reals. like, INTO my hair. it's MONSTROUS. and gorgeous. it will cost just shy of seven million dollars, but it is so crazy and beautiful that i'm considering it.

7 my favorite thing to read on the toilet is the reader. and my favorite thing to read in the reader are the last few pages, where they list all of the personal ads. i always check the "missed connections" with the secret hope that some hot piece of shit i locked eyes with two weeks ago on the brown line at 10:30 at night who couldn't muster up the onions to talk to me in person had the wherewithall to go home and write an ad and email it to the paper. i'm stupid. and a romantic at heart. i do always wonder as i sit there skimming the posts for "curvy black comedy genius with amazing glasses and the most amazingest scarf i have ever seen in my life staring for twenty minutes at cans of corn in the dominicks at clark and howard," how do generic-looking bitches ever get found? i'm black and bald and all tatted up and i have silly glasses and a fat ass. i would know it was me at first glance. what are you "cute, petite blondes" and "average brunettes with nice smiles" supposed to do? every time i see that nondescript shit i'm like, "come on, man! did you not see ANYTHING notable?!" i know 6,982 average brunettes who ride the bus or shop at trader joes or whatever the fuck you white people do when you're smiling and batting your eyes at each other but not speaking. how are they supposed to know which one you mean?!

8 i'm going off birth control. and while i should lie and say it's because of the hormones, my vagina believes in being honest. i have no faith in finding someone hot and available and not dumb, plus my babymaker doesn't really work anyway and even if some miracle happened and a zygote attached to my uterine lining all these drugs i take would kill that little cluster of cells in a beat of its tiny undeveloped heart. crohn's > babies. also, i hate babies. i know i'm not supposed to say that. and i don't really hate babies, i just hate the thought of one clawing its way down my fucking birth canal. which leads to another reason i'm giving up dudes and this birth control sham: dudes never want to hear that you don't want to bear their fucking offspring. arrogant sons of bitches. even if they already have seven children, they want to know that you'd be willing to have one for them. and motherfuck that.

and spending a week of every month swollen and batshit crazy because of this artificial estrogen coursing through my veins is retarded as hell.

9 night one with no television was manageable, and i've got the cleanest bathroom on the north side of chicago as a result.

10 i love toast almost as much as i love tacos. ALMOST. and brunch is my favorite thing to roll out of bed at noon on a sunday and do. BIG HINT.

mel took this shot a few years ago.
and not in 1997, as my body art would suggest.
i'm so fucking lame.