Thursday, June 3, 2010

i have a new boyfriend.

so be fucking happy for me, goddamn you.

you were worried i was going to be alone forever, weren't you? i know you were, you fucking jerks. you were afraid that i was never going to have another hot piece of medium rare steak to drool over and touch on and write about, that my blog would devolve into posts about how i decided to give up on men entirely in favor of taking up knitting or scrapbooking and making my own clothes and apple sauce. or it would be a nightly rundown of what i like to watch on tv and my paranoid ramblings about undercover government activity. sad.

and i'm sure that 99% of you had your fucking fingers crossed, tickled pink at the thought that i might die by myself on welfare in a house i mortgaged ten times and hadn't set foot outside of in nineteen years, immobilized by my cellulite that had long since welded itself to a sagging floral couch supported underneath by bricks and telephone books that the internet has rendered obsolete. i'd be in filthy, stained, ruined pajamas, surrounded by dozens of cats and a mountain of empty pudding cups. this crohns will have completely destroyed my body by that point, leaving in its wake a hulking mass of shredded intestinal tissue housed in rotted flesh riddled with disease, limbs akimbo and completely nonfunctioning. sad.

well thank GOD i met the love of my life, so now i don't have to die alone and unloved and helicoptered out of my house that the fire department had to cut the roof off of while a camera crew documents my shame for the ten o'clock news. hot new manfriend equals lots of hot sexy bloggage, so consider yourselves lucky.

i really had almost thrown in the towel. i mean, for cereal, how long can you go hungry before you just decide to roll over and die of starvation? i was tired of fighting rats and pigeons for measly breadcrumbs and rotten dumpster food. then along came a double cheeseburger, dripping with ketchup and dijon mustard. and he was ALL MINE.

and i totally understand those of you who might be angry or jealous upon hearing the glorious news that i FINALLY met my soulmate. i get it, for reals. because i'm the kind of bitch who isn't happy for anyone. at anytime. EVER. if someone starts telling me all about her fabulous new boyfriend who does all this great stuff for her and is so perfect and amazing the first thing i think is, "i hope you die." SERIOUSLY. go get eaten by a fucking wolf already, you lucky cunt. i don't want anyone to be happy and in love while i'm getting drunk all night and going home to facefuck my pillowcase. i would rather see you in an electric chair than out with some hot dude if i don't have one.

i'm so fucking terrible. because while i'm smiling and nodding and looking at the eight hundred pictures of him in your iphone, i'm thinking, "i hope he's in a serious accident that leaves him paralyzed from the waist down so that this bitch is forced to either 1 spend the rest of her sexless life with a paraplegic she feels too guilty to leave or 2 spend the rest of her cursed life wracked with crippling guilt because she ditched this dude with whom she was totally in love until the second he could no longer move his toes." ahahaha.

i really do come from hell. that's the kind of shit i think! because i hate everyone and want everyone to die! please don't invite me to your wedding. especially if your fiance is hot and smart and knows how to give a good rim job. because i will sit through the entire ceremony throwing rice and thinking, "i hope he loses his job the minute they get back from the honeymoon. or gets 3rd degree facial burns. or has to have a hand amputated. THEN we'll see whose boyfriend is so awesome, bitch." ahahahahaha. i live for shit like that. when some arrogant bitch who threw her good, decent man all up in my face while i was dealing with some handmaiden of the devil who fucked my feelings in the asshole finds out that she bought the cow and the milk was dried up. or that it had cancer. you smug bitches should shut the fuck up already, before you find out you're trapped in some sophie's choice type shit, married for five minutes before they find a tumor or you realize that diploma he showed you when you met was scribbled on the back of a napkin.

anyway, back to my hot new meat that you're totally going to be jealous of. i met him at this party i went to the other night. he was sort of hanging out at the back of the goody table, trying to be all inconspicuous and shy and shit, but i knew as soon as i laid eyes on him that he would be MINE. we just stared at each other for half the night until i finally got the courage to go over to him and strike up a conversation. now you know how i feel about approaching a dude first (I REFUSE TO DO IT), but i just felt this instant chemistry and decided to throw caution to the wind. and i was really apprehensive and totally scared because this party was full of bitches who were ten thousand times hotter than i am, and let's just say it: dudes don't really want to stand around waiting to find out how smart and funny you are. not when there's some hot piece of shit hovering over the punch bowl with her perky breasts exposed. hard to be sexy and alluring in a plaid gap men's shirt with sweaty pits. pfffft.

lucky for me he could see my heart of gold shining through all my layers of dirt and grime and bad attitude. it's about damn time. i'm tired of sleeping alone.
i was really nervous about introducing you guys to him considering the nascent stage of our relationship. and believe you me, HE was so fucking nervous that i could barely convince him to pose for this stupid picture! for cereal, i had to beg and plead and offer to do naughty, naughty things with him later tonight.

because you're all so overprotective and judgmental and i know that EVEN THOUGH I SAY IT'S TRUE LOVE, you dudes will never get over the fact that we just met last night yet know that we are totally into each other and it's meant to be and we're totally going to be in love forever. i mean, sometimes you just KNOW. but true love doesn't have to hide behind societal convention. it deserves to blossom out in the open where everybody can see it. so, darling lovers, please meet the new love of my life, the hitachi magic wand.

i've had silver boyfriends and red silicone boyfriends and pink medical-grade plastic boyfriends and sleek black metal boyfriends and curved, nubbly boyfriends and g-spot hook boyfriends and purple boyfriends that work underwater and leopard boyfriends with rechargeable batteries, but this is my very first chunky, unwieldy white plugs directly into the wall and hums like a jet engine boyfriend. it's my first time dipping my toe in caucasian waters, and i was afraid my new man wouldn't be able to handle this big black ass (you know what they say), but so far he's done an admirable job. way to go, hitachi.

amanda and i went to sex school tuesday night at the pleasure chest and took a class on vibrators and other sexy bedroom accoutrement. i am a veritable vibrator EXPERT. i learned about a bunch of other stuff too, like butt toys and g-spot stimulators and lube varieties and shit to do to someone while he's blindfolded. shit that includes SCISSORS. and i bought waaaaaaay more than i should have, including some things that are meant to be used with a partner. a real live HUMAN partner. which i still currently lack. but i guess that makes me an optimist, because someone has to help me test out this silicone "virtual foreskin" jackoff sleeve. and that SOMEONE needs to have a PENIS.

by the way, i almost broke my vagina using this goddamned thing. i've used it 953 times since tuesday. my vagina is swollen up like a fucking tick. it plugs into the wall, which means i had to alter my usual (ie, OPTIMAL) masturbating position. and, despite how excited i was to experience the earth-shattering orgasm i was promised, irritated the SHIT out of me. i hate being frustrated when i'm trying to get off. for real! like if the dvd is fucked up and not working right or i can't find all the remotes and can hear my neighbor across the hall fumbling with her keys right outside my door i get SO MAD. and that fucks up the stroking.

and the wand really is GIGANTIC, so maneuvering it into my perfect spot was more difficult than i prefer. so then i had to move it over and that took longer and if felt good but different and i'm not into change and then i was aggravated and i really need to get some new porn because i've had the same 500 dvds for a while and maybe some fresh booty might hustle things along. well, on second thought, it was pretty fast. i came in 20 seconds flat.

i'm not giving up on you menfolk, because life is hard and boring and i need someone to listen to my jokes and eat what i cook and tell me how good my music is. but until my knight in shining armor gets down off his impossibly high horse to rescue me from a life of lightning fast solo sex, high tech vibrators and nipple clamps and butt plugs it is.

look at how wide i can open my fucking mouth. best head of your goddamned life. just saying.

and how fucking lucky is ginger? she met TWINS!