Thursday, June 10, 2010

whatever you say, the devil is listening.

1 it's been a long time since i've hung out with my gays, so it was faaaaaabulous to see a couple of them sunday. chad, amy, and i are like the three musketeers of sexual ambiguity, as when we are all together at a glance you can't tell who was born with what parts or who likes to fuck on whom. before i met them i got up and WORKED OUT on the beach with the trainer (i'm still doing that! aren't you so proud?) then rewarded myself with a trip to boys town with these hot pieces of shit so i could undo any good i'd done for my body. we went to julius meinl which is my new most favorite place on earth because of these three little words: short rib crepes. you read that right. delicious stuffed with delicious. and served with a handful of mixed greens so you feel less like a tub of lard after their consumption. holy mother of god were those things good. DEFINITELY worth skipping the church i don't believe in going to. not kidding. best ribs since adam's.

and look how long my stupid hair is already! can i admit something without a resounding chorus of boos and i told you sos? i sort of missed that snarled mess of tangled nonsense once it was gone. especially when i discovered five unopened bottles of paul mitchell under the bathroom sink. i could fill a book with tales of the money i am constantly flushing down the proverbial toilet, but we'll save that for another time.

2 that little lesbian is killing me. i mean, she made me take my SHOES OFF to work out on the DIRTY ASS BEACH. fucking disgusting. this may shock you, but i just don't DO beach. and it has nothing to do with refusing to trim my bikini line. lake michigan (our part of it, at least) is a cesspool of dead fish, detritus, and dirty tampons; it's like swimming through fresh diarrhea. every time i see bitches frolicking and splashing in the water i just think, "e.coli!" and imagine them shitting out a river of blood because they got a little lake water in their mouths or going blind because they opened their eyes underwater. eff.

like a jaded, disenchanted lover, my trainer suggested we spice things up in our relationship by moving our workout to the outdoors. what?! so soon? but we just started seeing one another! boo to that. fuck. i assume that every single person in the goddamned gym stops his or her own exercise regimen the second she and i walk to the middle of the room (why always the fucking middle? are there no private suites?!) with our exercise ball (barf!) and our resistance bands (barf!!) and our eight pound dumbbells (barf!!!), and for the most part i am 100% correct. she says it's just my imagination, but i swear every time i stop to breathe and look around bitches are just lounging on the weight machines counting the rivulets of sweat running down my back. seriously, whore, does watching me burn calories? focus on the goddamned stairmaster.

so i met her at ass crack o'clock at the beach at the end of my block (convenient, right? too bad i hate it), and thank god the cafe on the corner wasn't open yet. because at five in the morning i am powerless against that dirty balls burning excrement fresh-brewed coffee aroma. can we all stop pretending that coffee smells good, please? i drink that shit, too, but it does NOT smell good. except i don't drink it that often, because people who drink coffee all the time smell like ass. good god, and they always want to talk all up in your face. it makes your eyes water, that stench. i vote that everyone needs to be more aware of how much they stink. and i could take a lesson, too. yesterday i was standing over lori's head (she's 2'4", i swear) next to the hot autoclave in the surgery prep room and i let out this huge belch and she was like, "thanks, asshole. nice tacos."

anygross, here is what i learned: 1 i hate the beach less when there are no screaming children on it 2 i hate the beach less when there are no dudes too fat to be running around shirtless on it 3 i hate the beach less when it is not hot 4 more people than you think are out dicking around at five on a sunday morning (whores) 5 instead of being invigorated and ready to take on the day as i'd imagined i would be, when i was done balancing on one foot in the sand for a goddamned hour and a half (we circuit train? and do other shit? but the only thing that ever sticks with me is how much i hate that balancing) all i wanted to do was get back in my bed with a fan trained directly on my face.

helen was like, "bitch, i knew it," the second i came home and got back in the bed. judgmental asshole.

3 why does the internet have to be made of so much suck? dang, al gore, why did you have to invent something so raggedy and unreliable? i have spent more time than i think is fair sifting through dozens of wack resumes and misspelled emails from bitches who work at dunkin donuts or sell shoes or who have never had a job in their entire lives in response to THE MOST SPECIFIC JOB POST EVER LISTED ANYWHERE EVER. you hoes know me. the only bush i beat around is the one between my legs. i have no problem at all asking for exactly what i want at any time, in bed or out, and "i used to make pizzas" does NOT sound like "the difference between interceptor and heartgard is that interceptor also kills whipworms."

goddamn you, internet! giving hope to all these poor saps! god, this economy must really just be bullshit. i'm throwing out resumes from people with advanced degrees and twenty years in the workforce who are all clawing and biting and scratching and kicking at each other for this one teeny tiny non-prestigious hardcore grunt job that will eventually lead them to tear their hair out in clumps and have nightmares and stress eat. then come the attempted suicides. and i'd be pleased as punch if there had been more than FOUR qualified candidates. four out of ten billion. my eyes hurt from scouring all this nonsense. it does make me feel SUPER LUCKY when i think about my own job history, though. and everyone is happy when sam's happy, am i wrong? so fuck the unemployed. now where is that hundred dollar bill i was wiping my ass with...?

4 speaking of al gore, is it really front page news that he and his beard got divorced? the two most boring people in the history of boring people manage to file for the most boring divorce in the history of boring (where the fuck is the infidelity? the children out of wedlock scattered across the country? the fourteen year old boy in a nambla t-shirt hiding in al's crawlspace?), and everyone is walking around all shocked and shit. YAWN. he wasn't the president of this country, but he is the unequivocal grand ruler and king for life of dullsville, and shouldn't that account for something? who cares, mr. vice president?

god, that fucking movie was boring. i tried to watch it three times and i fell asleep THREE TIMES.  but that shouldn't surprise you, because i hate the earth. man, who can even be bothered? even if you do a little bit that's not enough for these lunatic environmentalists, and since my middle name is "superfuckinglazy" a little bit is all I can be compelled to DO. i have two garbage cans, and one of those is lined with a blue bag into which i place my recyclables after deconstructing and/or cleaning them. and when that gets full i take it out. wash, rinse, repeat. i leave the rest of that earth preservation business for people with children or guilty consciences.

i'm not some conservative wackjob who disavows the existence of global warming, i'm just too tired to care. caring about the planet is HARD. the day the universe swallows this planet whole, right before we burn to a crisp and evaporate i'm going to remind you how much time you wasted running around shutting off light switches. then i'm going to drive my hummer right into the sun. plus it's expensive. and maybe pointless, since we're all going to be dead soon anyway. i don't have time to be composting my feces and buying fancy lightbulbs and turning off the water when i brush my teeth. i ENJOY washing forty loads of laundry containing three articles of clothing each. i LOVE littering and throwing batteries and cell phones away in inappropriate receptacles. organic produce makes me SAD. chemicals make things HAPPY.

and close your mouth right now if you're about to open it to tell me that earth-friendly products are comparable to the real thing. pffft. that is a lie from the pit of hell. all that shit does is leave huge streaks on everything and make your apartment smell like salad. and i KNOW this because i've TRIED them. i don't like to talk shit i can't back up (sure i do!) so i road tested some cleansers and scrubs made from angel tears and herbs. and they were the opposite of awesome. you could throw your back out trying to scrub that shit and it STILL would look like you'd washed it with a pair of dirty earth shoes. i like to open a window, spray the bathroom with a layer of toxic carcinogenic chemicals, try not to faint, go take a nap, then come back an hour later to a shower so disinfected it's hot to the touch.

5 i am 100% over boutique breeds of dog.

6 looking at pictures of hot dudes on the internets all day has had surprisingly little negative effect on my self-esteem. and we're totally tired and overworked right now, so it's the one thing laura and i can do during the workday that brings us any joy. the one thing that doesn't involve 17,000 calories, at least. or a phony prescription.

eleven hours a day, six days a week. plus trying to cram a real life in where i can. i'm so fucking tired i can't even see straight. and i really do just want to go home and sleep for twelve hours the minute i'm finished working, but i also wanted to go to dinner with maya and go to sarah's birthday party and drink mai tais at the morseland until two o'clock this morning only to get right back up at ten to six and go to the kings of convenience show tonight on four hours' sleep and a full workday. i also would like to read. and listen to all of these new records i just got. i had some photographs taken last night, and i could barely stay awake during them. for serious. there might be a picture of me sleeping.

and it's the summer, so bitches are all loose and available and wanting to hang out. and how can i say no? seriously, though, i might die soon. i'm tuckered out. yawn.

the bachelorette is still my jam! but i haven't heard back from abc. do you think somehow they lost my application...?

8 i'm tired of demanding ass old people. the evil ones especially. why do you take soooooooooo looooooooooooooong in line in front of me at the pharmacy? you smell weird. stop asking me for shit. and TALKING SO FUCKING LOUD. just die already so i can have the good seat on the bus. i'm not going to live very long, but if i do i'm going to be the greatest old person in the history of win. because i plan to be medicated into a near-coma.

i don't understand all this trying to be vital and young once your milk dries up and you can't hold your head straight anymore. yes YOU TOO, sharon stone. i would check into a nursing home RIGHT NOW if it meant nobody ever chapped my fucking balls ever again and i could have something tasty that blurs my mind's sharp edges dripping into my arm 24 hours a day. i just want to go in and out of consciousness all day, intermittently dreaming about kittens and a shirtless tyson beckford.

9 that new miike snow record is KILLING ME. so fucking good.

10 my new favorite thing to say is "that's respectable," courtesy of our at-work little brother, david. every year our boss orders some feed the children high school dude to clean cages, run food, mop up dog pee, and assuage his liberal white guilt. i've lived through so many of them, and david is my favorite BY FAR. they don't really do shit other than text girls and hide from big dogs, but they are usually at least mildy interesting and unintentionally hilarious. david is the first one of these hard knock lifers to actually leave us to GO TO COLLEGE (underachieving bastards), and he came back from his first year at iowa twenty pounds heavier and full of dumb shit college kids say. i totally love it.

so you can use "that's respectable" in any number of ways:
"hey, i got an A on my final!"
"that's respectable."

"tyler got us a keg for the rager at my frat tonight!"
"that's respectable."

"how do you like my new ed hardy shoes and abercrombie boxers?"
"they're respectable."

and you can ALSO use it conversely:
"i caught herpes from courtney."
"that's not respectable."

"i'm failing chemistry."
"that's not respectable."

"i fuck wrong and i don't read bitches gotta eat."