Wednesday, August 11, 2010

ask and ye shall receive.

you kittens love this dude, apparently. i got 4,987,532 emails after that last dear bitch. man, fuck y'all. you don't love me anymore, jerks? where are MY "you're so smart and hilarious" emails?! that hurts my goddamned feelings. well, you better be glad i love you so much, because i sent that jackass some more questions to answer then rode his ass for three days to get him to respond. and then he asked if he could ride my ass and i almost died. see what i go through for you? BARF.

The guy I'm into is great! He's funny and always lets me know what he thinks about me. Problem? He has no drivers license and no job. He's 20 years old! Should this be a deal breaker? I'm thinking it is.

Wow he's 20 years old and doesn't have his shit together??? OMG! Were you one of those women that had to take care of the household at 13? Let me tell you something, at 20 years old men are still trying to figure out if there are any extra orifices into which we can insert our dicks in during sex. Don't expect much.

i love how women preface some shit they HATE about a dude with "he's so great!" so which is it, liar, you like that he's funny and honest or you can't deal with his jobless bus-ridingness? make up your mind, whore. that said, that no job shit is a PROBLEM. unless he's in school, and even then he needs to be on a work study and have at least a 3.2 gpa.

this just SCREAMS mama's boy. doesn't work and needs to be driven around? what independent, motivated young man would go for that shit? losers are everywhere and are easy to spot, especially when they get started early. i'm reasonably certain in the assertion that this dude is never going to be shit. move it along.

and here's some extra advice you didn't ask for: stop dicking around with young dudes. they are 100% broke, 100% weak, and will 100% choose a new xbox game over you. i was sucking old dicks and eating stone crab at shaw's and porterhouses at ruth's chris when i was twenty. what are you doing, drinking slurpees and watching R-rated movies on a saturday night? fuck all that. use that young vagina to your advantage.

My boyfriend watches granny porn. Should I be concerned?

Yeah, if your grandma is hot!

i try not to judge a dude's porn preferences too harshly lest he ever take a microscope to mine, but this shit is GROSS. although on the scale of truly repugnant shit he could be jerking off to, this is at the tame end of the spectrum. dudes are into all kinds of silly shit: feet, balloons, FOOD, gangbangs, large insertions, pee pee, farts, shit, vomit, bukake. you can't help what you're into, i guess. last week this lesbian i know sent me some REAL lesbian porn, not that fake-ass two girls with giant titty balls rubbing all over each other pretending to have an orgasm shit. this was full of chicks who look like dudes fucking each other with strap-ons and fisting each other and shit. and now i'm 90% sure i'm not gay, because that didn't get me excited AT ALL. it just looked like a bunch of teenage boys pinning each other down after doing their math homework or something. yawn. anyway, you should probably just let it go. i'll only kick a hot dude out of bed if he watches shit with children, animals, or double penetrations. and i know that last one is legal, but COME ON, chief. that's just greedy.

What do you do when you still have feelings for your ex? Not good ones, either. Murderous ones, actually.

Well, you usually want to line your trunk with tarp so the blood doesn't drip while you're driving, that's a red flag for police. Also, you shouldn't let people know that you want to kill your ex. I usually just give a crackhead a hundred bucks and let them take care of that. You can get your car fixed too if you throw an extra 20 in there.

i've got a bitch who will "dispatch" people, too. never do your own dirty work. it's tiresome and it'll mess up your nails. but you need to save murder for bitches who truly deserve it. i should probably tell you to join a gym or go hiking to work out that negative energy, but it's bullshit to give out advice i wouldn't take. so do what i do. eat something delicious and get drunk. then troll the interwebs for someone else.

I just discovered that my boyfriend has been mutually masturbating with people or just having them encourage him on chatroulette, do you consider this cheating?

WTF is chatroulette? And hell yeah it's cheating, he's cheating himself out of some real pussy. Why would you beat off with somebody? That sounds like some gay, OZ-type shit.

mutual masturbation is creepy. especially over the internet. i mean, shit, it's SORTA creepy even if you're in the same bed. it works on the phone, but even then only if the guy is HOT and the girl is ME. my personal definition of cheating is loose (and by that i mean if you don't know about it, i didn't cheat), but generally i think you should decide what you're comfy with and make it a rule. and you obviously don't like this, so tell him to STOP.

fap fap fap fap fap!

Why do men look at other women when they are with you?

We don't compare every woman with you so relax. Plus if we're with you it's probably because we know that you're in our class and given up hope to find a beautiful, sane woman. Just be comfortable in your averageness.

i never notice, because i'm too busy scanning the crowd for someone richer and more handsome who talks a lot less. start doing that.

I can't climax with penetration only. During sex, when my boyfriend is 'done', we're done. He won't pleasure me because, as he put it, "women are too complicated and it's too hard to get them to climax." What's the deal and how do I get him to want to do that?

You need to find some better dick.

is that even possible? regular dudes usually fuck wrong. and penetration alone doesn't work for me, either. do yourself a favor and get a bunch of butt plugs and nipple clamps and vibrators. after a while you won't even need the dude.

Casual sex relationship for 10 months. Found out about a fling with another woman so I said if it's over between us just tell me and he never said yes or no but he made plans to see me that night and continues to. Does this action mean he's really into me?

That action was basically from the Mel Gibson catalog of SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BLOOOOOOW ME!!!

why do you care if it's casual? god, i fucking HATE bitches sometimes. if you say it's "casual," you have to deal with what "casual" means. so instead of answering this ridiculous question, i'm going to say this instead: BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM A DUDE. if you want a boyfriend, don't agree to being casual. if you want a fuck buddy, don't tell him you want a boyfriend. dudes are stupid and you are best served by being honest and direct. this whole fucking thing is worded wrong. it's impossible for a man to have a fling when he doesn't have a girlfriend; fling implies that he's cheating, but you can't cheat if it's CASUAL. let's just stop lying to ourselves, ladies. save yourselves from a lot of dumb grief. and my inbox from a lot of ridiculous questions. jesus.

Are bilingual women sexy?

Yes, if they have ass and big bewbs. (Samantha said don't say "titties.")

por supuesto! si sabes una otra idioma, estas muy inteligente. como yo.

Do you have to be dumb to get a guy?

Do you have a choice?

OBVIOUSLY, because i got a 33 on my ACT and i can't find shit. i only bring it up because i told asshole that once and TO THIS DAY he cannot get over the fact that i did better than he did and am smarter than he is. most dudes are intimidated by a sharp wit; they don't want you to outshine their asses at parties and other social engagements. and smart people tend to talk a lot, and we already know that men don't really want to listen to a whole lot of shit. i refuse to dumb myself down, so i've given up on trying to find someone smarter and more interesting than i am. so i focus instead on telling myself it's okay to be the most brilliant diamond in the mine. the silver lining? dumb dudes don't usually have much to say and are easily tricked. and that shit comes in HANDY.

OK, is he just not into me or is this just bullshit? I met a guy who cannot ejaculate with a condom. Can only come without one lying down...yep, even a blow job. Is it performance anxiety? Do I simply move on?

Why do you give a shit about a guy who can't ejaculate? Use his penis so you can orgasm, when done go watch Grey's Anatomy or whatever ridiculous shit y'all watch these days.

i'm with asshole. just substitute "fingers" and "mouth" for penis and "anything else on television" for grey's anatomy and we're all set.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and he has not wanted to have sex for over a year. we talk about it, and he says he just doesn't want it and assures me everything else is fine. We are affectionate, and have a great time otherwise. How can I get him to want sex again?

Try putting on a strap and fucking him in the ass. Cause either he's gay or he's contracted some wild ass disease he doesn't want to give you. You should try the first one, just grease it up and sneak it in there while he's asleep.

now this sounds like some gay, OZ-type shit.

How come if I bring up the word marriage just in casual conversation my boyfriend freaks out a bit and gives me a look, but he will bring it up and say things like "When we get married...?"

In the words of Sam, He's a moron. Don't marry him, he obviously still has hopes and dreams for life. The best man to marry has failed at doing anything interesting and has settled into a boring, secure, high paying job. Don't marry an exciting dude, just have affairs with them.

AGREED. just make sure YOU are boring and worn out, too. that shit rubs off.

My ex recently lost his job and I want to help him out by anonymously sending him a small amount of $ for at least his gas tank. I'm just not sure if I should or not.

Fuck that, make him fuck for it.

you should NOT. if he needs cash, he should start by selling his car. thus negating the need for that gas money. and if you made him fuck for it, guarantee he'd end up paying you. holy shit, these dudes CANNOT bang.

My friend's boyfriend checks her phone logs, wants to know where she is every moment (with camera phone proof), and a bunch of other ridiculous stuff. She insists I "just don't know what he's been through." What should I say to her, if anything?

Women don't listen to other women, they just use each other to complain and get hugs. Don't waste your breath.

ahahahahahahahaha. any dude that checks my phone calls is going to get his feelings hurt. and unless he's doing so to make a payment on the bill, he's going to get his face hurt, too.

I have always been taught that men love sex more than anything else. Therefore, I don't really believe a man is capable of loving a woman. I just believe he loves having sex with her. Am I completely wrong?

Yes, we don't love having sex, we NEED to have sex. Sometimes I'll find myself in the middle of sex wondering how I got there and how much I would LOVE to be playing PS3.

Note to women: For men, Sex and Love are completely separate concepts.

men love in this order, from most to least: penis, muscles, clothing + shoes, fancy television and high tech gadgets, car, video game apparatuses, hair and/or grooming maintenance and routine, friends, pets, televised sports, fantasy sports, food, beer and liquor, mother, father, siblings, women they don't fuck, women they do fuck, bartender at the local hangout, dog walker, mailman, megan fox, the hot barista at starbucks, job, bill belichick, GIRLFRIEND.

sam's: beer, tacos, helen, pentasa, prednisone, blog, female friends, job, television, dudes. yours should look more like mine. without all the drugs.

How does a 40-something woman go about getting a fuck buddy? If you're just interested in sex, not a relationship, how do you find someone willing?

Ask Sam for my number. I love old hoes., bitch. go get you some.

and i totally will give you this dirtbag's number. maybe then he'll stop pestering ME. i was sick last night because, i don't know if you've heard this before, i'm rotting from the inside out and my organs are conspiring against me, and he called and threatened to "come over and make me feel better" (barf) before asking if my breasts looked better in our out of a bra. (in, DUH. i've got national geographic boobs. plus, i buy FANTASTIC bras.) then it devolved into a debate about whose shit smells worse. seriously, if you girls could take him off my hands i'd love you forever.

Do you think that long-distance relationships are a good thing?

They are not real relationships. You can be whoever you want to be over the phone. Just like I know I seem to be the coolest man on the planet here, but I'm actually a very shy man.

uh, he's actually an arrogant piece of garbage. long-distance relationships are the BEST thing, because you can do whatever the fuck you want and, unless you keep a lot of messy tricks around, no one is the wiser. and real relationships are overrated, teeming with misery and insecurity. i think if you are realistic about things (ie, you don't expect that he is going to be completely faithful to a bitch hundreds of miles away), you can have a good time with it. they allow you a freedom and flexibility that an ordinary, in-town relationship doesn't. AND you get to sample the dude buffet without looking like too much of a whore. dudes are BORING and INCONSEQUENTIAL. why you would limit yourself to just one baffles me.

i met a dude a couple weeks ago in town from florida (and by "met" i mean "he bought me a drink") and we had a nice conversation blah blah blah. he left town the next day. (or so he said, but who gives a fuck?) he's smart (sort of) and funny (not really), but the IMPORTANT thing is that he calls every couple of days to amuse me and say nice things about my ass. and he made plans for a return visit (or he lied and said he did, either way i could care less), which means there's a fancy hotel weekend in my near future. i get to be whoever i want on the phone (vivacious and amazing, of course) and my ego gets stroked to high heaven in the meantime. it wins every time.

so play the noncommittal long distance game and, if you need to, grab you someone local to fuck on. and isn't southwest practically giving away airline tickets these days? shit, you can fly for fucking food stamps. unless your boy is going to war or something. in which case you should BREAK THAT SHIT OFF. i love america and everything, but PTSD is real.

My boyfriend expects lots of blow jobs. What's the average amount a guy should get a week?

Hmm, 300 is a good round number. Why do you think women naturally talk so much? That's nature's jaw exercise.

i don't mind giving a hummer, AT ALL, and i'm good at it. but if a dude "expected" it i'd have my fucking jaw wired shut. entitled piece of shit. new boyfriend time.

and WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE. is he eating you out?! i hate it because 99.9% of dudes fail in the worst way and chew your goddamned tender meat up and drown in it and SPEND SO MUCH TIME LICKING YOUR PEE HOLE (stop that!) and barf, but i would lie there and pretend i needed him to do it if a fella expected to be serviced by me in return. any sort of sex pressure or stipulation is totally weak and decidedly unsexy. get rid of him.

Do guys like it when girls text or call "for no reason?" I hate to call or text unless I have a reason, but my friends say if I don't call a guy he will think I'm not into him. Really, I just like to wait for them to call me.

Guys really don't think about you as much as you think we do. You're like the pickles to our thought sandwich.

why would you ever listen to your ridiculous friends? especially when you've already got it right?! no calling or texting unless you're on fire and he's got the only fire extinguisher in town. and while i didn't mean that as a euphemism for sex, let's go with it. seriously. stop calling dudes. i'll give you my number and anytime you feel like calling a penis dial my shit instead. which will be just fine since i never answer my phone, either. you won't even know the difference.

and lmao at "pickles."

I'm so embarrassed. I'm dating 3 guys and I like all 3 but I want to narrow it down to 1 guy. How do I choose? Help! Help! I feel like 3 guys are smothering me and I'm ready to settle.

Make them knife fight like in the "Beat It" video.

why do you girls insist upon fucking up the most miraculous thing on earth? if you must, a knife fight sounds good. or a dance-off. love.