Thursday, August 5, 2010

the he-man woman haters club.

boyfriends are like underwear, in need of constant changing. and the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, THE ASSHOLE. those of you who know who this is are SHITTING YOURSELVES with happiness, i'm sure. his black ass is quite possibly the straightest shooter i know, and easily the most offensive piece of garbage i have ever met. he also isn't that handsome, which is why i chose this picture of a good-looking jackass instead. trust me, the donkey is hotter. enjoy.

I didn't contact a guy for almost a month after our first date, I went to Europe and had some other things come up, and when I finally emailed him last week, he just blew me off. I think I may have hurt his feelings. What should I do?

him: You should check your ego. Who the fuck do you think you are? Are you really asking this question? How about you didn't hurt his feelings and he really didn't enjoy the initial date? How about while you were giving ass out like penny savers in Europe dude pulled some better broads? News flash to all women: your vagina is not the fulcrum of our universe.

me: this nerd. i had to google "fulcrum" and guess what? i still don't really know what that shit means. it's a bike part or something? totally explains why i have no idea what the shit is. anyway, not calling someone for a month is BUSTED. and if i were talking to the dude on the other end of this situation i'd be like, "eff that bitch" and tell him to move on. i guess there's always the chance that you could happen upon the most forgiving (read: desperate) person on the planet and he might give you another chance, but any normal person is going to tell you to fuck off and die.

What is your perspective on what love should feel like? I think I love my boyfriend, but wonder if it's just strong like.

him: Love is for teenagers and crazy Christians. Also you have to consider the possibility of your not being able to love. Some people just don't have normal emotional responses and are unable to achieve what normal people call love. The best thing for you to do is to fake it till you make it. Pretend to love the guy with the most money.

me: i think the difficult thing to figure out is "love" versus "in love." i am now and always have been fond of an awful lot of people, but i don't know that i could say i've really been in love with anyone. there are some dudes i just can't get enough of, but i don't think i'm in love with them. i have a deep and passionate love for a reserved few handsome gentlemen, but i'm not in love with any of them, either. i think if you have to ask yourself whether or not it's love it probably isn't. but everyone has his or her own barometer. decide where the love line is, then you'll know when someone has crossed it. for instance, i know that i love someone if i tell them my most embarrassing never written about in this blog secret. or if i'd allow him to take care of helen while i'm out of town. (speaking of, i'm trying to holler at the west coast this fall. any sexy cat sitters looking to get paid in jokes? or ass?) want me to decide for you? MURDER. that's a good measure! if you'd be willing to murder a bitch in cold blood for him then you, my dear, are in LOVE.

Do you think it's rather rude of a guy to let his petite girlfriend walk home alone late at night after they've been hanging out? I know it's not very "feminist" of me, but it just seems ungentlemanly!

him: So it's ok for a guy to let his obese girlfriend walk alone. Fuck you, skinny big headed bitch.

me: i am in love with this answer, and couldn't have said it better myself.

Are guys afraid to date widows?

him: No, unless you've been widowed several times. Then either you're a bad luck bitch or a serial killer. Go lesbo and balance the universe.

me: i would be. have you ever noticed how even the most despicable piece of dogshit gutter balls trash bag is instantly absolved of his entire catalog of misdoings upon his untimely death? with the exception of hitler, when the old grim reaper comes to call everybody all of a sudden forgets what a gaping fucking asshole you were when you were alive. which is another reason i can't WAIT to be dead. i had terrible parents, but now that they're dead every time i picture them thay have halos and shit. and, despite your most valiant efforts, none of you could ever compete. is that the kind of pressure you want in a romantic relationship? at least in the case of divorce that bitch is still alive and proving how much she still sucks. that dead wife or husband is forever immortalized as the most perfect spouse ever, and nothing you could do short of turning water into wine could EVER compare.

sorry to break it to you, lover, but widows are terrifying. they're either mired in grief or holding you to some impossible standard, and that BLOWS. especially for a lazy bitch like me who can hardly be bothered to prove anything to anyone. the first time dude said "well martha used to..." with a wistful gleam in his eye i would hand him some smelling salts and pack up my shit. and probably say something like "well I am better at being ALIVE."

If a man has been cheated on in all of his previous relationships, will he ever learn to trust his (faithful) fiance fully or will he always have unwarranted suspicions?

him: I laugh at men who trust women. And if he's been cheated on in all of his previous relationships he must be attracted to cheaters, which means his fiance is more than likely another cheating piece of shit. Is that you?!

me: take a lesson from this dude and start being suspicious of HIM. i don't know a single fucking couple that isn't now or hasn't ever been rife with suspect betrayal. and if he hasn't fucked you over yet he will eventually, and at least if you're ready for it it won't hurt so effing much. and girl please, cheat on him if you want. then you can do what they do and say "the fact that you don't trust me drove me to do it!" full of shit liars, all of them. as a matter of fact, he's probably lying about his cheating exes just to keep you on your toes. no one gets cheated on in every relationship unless he's a simp or he fucks all kinds of wrong, in which case DON'T MARRY THIS MOIST ASS DUDE. ick.

I recently found out that while my ex-boyfriend and I were dating, my gay best friend and my ex-boyfriend were also sleeping together behind my back. Should I bring this up with my gay best friend? I mean if this were a girl doing this I would have her ass. Or should I just put the past behind us?

I don't think I'm homophobic, but ewww. TMI and ATM!!

i just can't get over the gayness of the question. "have her ass." "past behind us." hilarious. my gay husbands have to follow the same rules as my girlfriends do: no fucking my man, and if you do i get to watch. so go tear that ass up, gurl. two snaps and a twist!

So, I've never been kissed. No worries, I'm not like 34 and a cat lady, but I would like some pointers for when it happens! Suggestions?

Keep your breath fresh and your lips loose. If you get lost, just suck on one of his lips and grab his dick.

HEY! what's wrong with being a cat lady?! at least i've been kissed before, loser. hmph!

A friend recently admitted feelings for me. I don't feel that way about him, and he said he understood, but ever since he's been following me around like a puppy. How do I get him to back off without being rude?

Hook him up with one of your ugly friends. Two birds with one stone, I know you're tired of hanging with that sad, lonely, cockblocking ass broad all the time.

i literally burst out laughing at this. "sad, lonely, cockblocking ass broad" is going on my fucking epitaph. anyway, i say you should just be rude. especially if you've already been direct with him about your feelings. or lack thereof. some people just don't get the hint. unless you can spin this and start using him in some way, because dudes who have their noses open for you only come along once in a blue moon, and you should take advantage of it while you can. make his bitch ass buy some tacos and drinks, take you to see a couple new movies, buy some concert tickets. then when he tries to stick his dick in you you can be all, "stop it, silly! i told you that you're like a brother to me!"

i just hope you can take a punch.

I like a 28 yo who still lives with his parents. Not sure what to think. I still live at home, too, and don't want to be a hypocrite. BUT I'm 26, saving money for a home and I pay rent. I don't know his story. Does this tell me something about his character?

No, but it tells me something about yours. You are a hypocrite.

this is one of those times you're just going to have to look like a bitch and ask. i mean, if it's that important to you. you are going to look like a judgmental, gold-digging asshole, and if you can handle that then by all means. especially if this relationship is just at the "like" stage. the only thing you need to be worried about is whether or not he picks up the tab. and dudes who live at home ALWAYS pick up the tab. because they fucking live at home!

i never worry about a dude living at home, because i've had my own place since i was goddamned eighteen. so i don't have to sneak around and do SHIT. come over to my crib, baby. spend the night if you want. let's eat cookies until four in the morning and jump on the bed. maybe i'm weird, but i don't ever worry about a man's aspirations, or what he plans to do with his money. just spot my cocktails, chief. i'm busy thinking about my own retirement fund. as should the rest of you bitches. who cares what a man has? haven't we seen enough lifetime movies (or "waiting to exhale" at the very least) to know that he's just going to dump you for some hotter broad once he's loaded anyway? that's why you should enjoy the shit out of it while you can, while stacking away your own little pile of chips for the day he inevitably goes crazy and drops your saggy ass for the babysitter.

Why doesn't a guy want to take a girl out anymore and pay? I've heard guys say that women have equal rights now or they don't want to feel like they are buying her.

Naw that's just you. Get prettier.

did one of my other personalities submit this on my behalf? dudes are broke and weak and most weren't properly raised, but i think the REAL reason they aren't gentlemen and don't pay for things is because you'll still fuck them when they don't. so STOP FUCKING DUDES WHO DON'T PAY FOR SHIT. and if you do, don't ever expect him to. that's why herbal tea was a one and done; because i am polite and don't like to create a public spectacle, i paid for his breakfast. but i can never fuck him after that, because a bad precedent has already been set. and since he isn't interesting enough to be my friend, he has to go. no point in keeping around a dude you can't fuck OR talk to, so he had to go. really, it's just that simple. learn from my past. if you fuck a dude while he is treating you badly, he has no impetus to change. if you demand good behavior then reward it with a bite of your treats, he'll still be a sack of assholes who doesn't know how to fuck you right, but at least you got a few delicious meals first.

A doctor gave me his cell and said to call over the weekend if I wanted. Is it inappropriate to ask the guy out or was he just being polite by giving me his cell?

No, he just wants to see if you can follow directions. Plus his family is probably going to be out of town that weekend.

so...he wants a rendezvous? way to give mixed messages, asshole. doctor gorge calls me from his cell phone sometimes, but i NEVER use that shit. i don't even save it. not even that it would be tempting, because what the fuck would i fucking say if i called him?! "hey, boo, what's crackin'?" PLEASE. but the real reason i don't call is because even though he told me when i was in the hospital this last time that if i wasn't his patient we could TOTALLY go out for pizza and a beer, he once told me about this patient of his who got his cell number and called him in the middle of the night and that made him hate her. and i would die if he ever hated me.

that said, you're aiming pretty high, no? i feel like a doctor would have the manhood and confidence to come right out and hit on you. only a pantywaist would slip you his number on a professional level hoping that your ass is scandalous enough to get dirty with it. if a dude doesn't ask you out, he doesn't want to go out with you. how many times must we go over this? men aren't subtle and they don't hint. so if it isn't obvious, don't go embarrassing yourself. jesus.

Do guys really feel less manly when a girl kicks their butt at a video game or a sport? If so, why is this?

I wouldn't know, broads can't beat me at shit but being emotional and fucking shit up.

heart. this dude is fucking perfect. what a jackass.

I'm a pretty funny girl most of the time, but I have a hard time opening up and showing that side of me when I'm around men. How can I overcome shyness and show off my sense of humor?

Hmm. Try stripping for a couple months. That should help you overcome your shyness. Improve your tone and flexibility while making you enough money to finish that certificate program at the local junior college.

i'm really funny ALL the time, and take it from me that they don't fucking notice anyway. and if they do notice, it's only because they don't want to fuck you. dudes who want to fuck me don't tell me i'm funny, and dudes who think i'm funny NEVER WANT TO FUCK ME. i am not kidding. it happens CONSTANTLY. dudes who think i'm hilarious and want to hang out NEVER want to do so naked; they want to get drunk and blather at me about hot girls and laugh their dicks off at whatever i'm talking about. and that has its place, sure, but it's tiresome. and if i really like a dude i turn the funny up to a ten. really, my A+ fucking material. only to have it wasted while he tries to fuck my friends.

this guy said to me recently, UNSOLICITED, "you're so funny! but i'm too afraid that you'd make fun of me in bed," like that shit was a compliment. or even a viable fucking excuse. like i don't know when to turn off the jokes. (i don't.) and dudes who just want to put the tip in never hear a word i fucking say. i'm supposed to have a drink this weekend with this dude i met who talked to my tits for five full minutes after having made my acquaintance, and when i paused for him to laugh (what a fucking ham) he'd look up like, "what did you say?" IT'S BALLS.

so get over being funny. which is okay since you probably aren't that goddamned funny anyway. especially if you're a woman. (most women who call themselves "funny" just aren't, sorry!) WHAT THE FUCK with people thinking they're funny?! not that i have the market cornered or anything, but if you think you're funny, chances are YOU'RE NOT. people always send me things to make me laugh and they never do. argh. so just wear low-cut blouses and put out. save your jokes for people who might be bothered to laugh at them in the first place. like your ladyfriends.

My boyfriend is white, and I'm...not. He wants me to meet his parents, but I'm really scared they won't like me (he comes from a very different type of area). What do I do?

Obviously you're ashamed of your own race since you are unwilling to share it. I personally think you should go kill yourself.

this tea party/militia/birther/arizona/anchor baby shit is proving what the realists among us already fucking knew: racism isn't dead, it was just hiding in upstate michigan. white people are still terrified of black people, even though we're so busy shooting at each other we couldn't possibly be bothered to disrupt their polo matches or country club luncheons with our loud talking and welfare swindling and aggressive rap music. the inherent problem with a question like this is that you obviously don't know enough raggedy white people. have you never watched "to catch a predator?" ain't no tar babies on that shit trying to put their dicks in little kids! forget harriet tubman, teach little brown children about that. i've got a documentary on the people of appalachia that i can send you, and GUARANTEED you'll never be afraid that a white person would judge you harshly EVER AGAIN. i'm serious. five minutes watching these toothless hillbilly motherfuckers put mountain dew in baby bottles while butchering the english language will have you swollen with pride and humming "lift every voice and sing" under your breath for a month. white people in major metropolitan areas keep it pretty well together, but those motherfuckers on the fringe are a MESS. when sarah and i were in nebraska i was fucking SHOCKED; little white kids in dirty clothes and bare feet standing on the side of the road eating mayonnaise sandwiches and holding pictures of aborted fetuses. white power, indeed.

maybe the real issue is that you need to work on your personality. or your confidence. i am never concerned that someone won't like me, regardless of skin color, because i am charming and hilarious and awesome. are you smart? do you have decent comedic timing? read a couple magazines or something topical online so you have something to talk about that won't make you sound retarded. and avoid talking about god, guns, or the GOP. most white people avoid talking about anything controversial with a negro anyway, either because they assume we've all got some latent militance or we're too dumb to keep up, so chances are all you're going to have to talk about is what you watch on television or whatever lebron james is up to this week.

are white men into curvy black women yet? or has the precious effect already worn off? i need to get me one of them. what? i grew up in the suburbs! i know how to talk the talk! i need to be around a y-chromosome with a decent credit score for a change, shit. one who wasn't in the hot lunch program and can tell me what it's like growing up with a full-time father in the home. plus, i need someone who isn't going to sass me and contradict everything i fucking say. i'm tired of this in your face blacktalk. bring on the liberal guilt.

Is it that hard for guys to give a sincere apology?

Well, seeing as how women are always wrong and a male apology is just a tactic to get you to shut the fuck up, I would say YES.

ahahaha. ahahahahahahaha. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. real talk.

I just moved in with my boyfriend. I love doing the domestic stuff like cooking and doing his laundry. I don't want him to feel like I'm "mothering" him by any means, though. What do you think?

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You really can't mother a dude in his own house. Mothering a dude means he is dependent on you for something, whether it's shelter or sex. In this case, since he can always tell you to get the fuck out, mothering is already out of the equation. The important thing for you to remember is that you shouldn't expect some reward for your behavior.

this misogynist asshole. only a dickbag would interpret "i just moved in with my boyfriend" as "he let me move into his place for which i am not on the lease, giving him all of the control and the power to evict my ass any time he feels like it." BARF. first, let's address that. i am hoping to avoid living with a man at all costs. my ideal situation, as you already know, is two separate apartments in the same neighborhood. that way i won't have to walk that far in the middle of the night when i decide i want to sleep in my own bed surrounded by my own belongings. i don't like anyone touching my things, and i think everyone else's stuff is gross. so i need my own space. but if you can't resist fucking up your solitude by choosing to cohabit with some talking primate, you should either 1 be on the lease or 2 always keep a savings account with enough money for first and last month's rent and a moving truck. my vote, naturally, is for number 2. i'll NEVER let a dude hamstring me, and being told "get the fuck out" only sucks when you don't have money or a place to go. so keep a couple grand in your emergency fund; and don't spend that shit on shoes, you fucking dummy.

it's also a neat little trick to pull on a dude when he gets cute despite the fact that he needs your help with that rent. can't talk shit when you depend on my half, can you? NO YOU CANNOT. this just sounds weak and boring to me. i like doing things for people, but i don't have that home ec gene that you seem to have been cursed with. and i'm sure he doesn't appreciate the effort you're going to anyway. i mean heaven forbid he slip and offer up a thank you. i mean, a REWARD. fucker.

How do I get through to a thug?

Well, if he considers himself a thug, he is not a thug. You have been fooled. Getting through to a thug is pretty easy. Try the direct approach. When you go to buy your weed or meth from him (in your case, I'm guessing meth) slide him your number and your link card.

call me a lame, but why would you ever want to? thugs bring shit like "police report" and "time served" into lexicons that were otherwise just fine without them. ugg. now before bitches who know too much start running off at the mouth, i can't say that i haven't spent a year or two with a handsome and charming street pharmacist who had guns all over his house and crackheads tapping at the window at three in the morning, but it was years ago and i am a huge nerd who was totally naive at the time. i just liked that he paid for everything. but i'm too prissy to do shit like hold on to a stash or visit a motherfucker in jail, so that had to wrap up before dude caught a case and i got implicated in some way. can't you just find a herb who works for microsoft or something and ask him to wear cornrows and a wife-beater while he bangs you? MUCH easier.

if you hate asshole and his mean fucking answers, please understand that i hate him, too. and that i will be thrilled to forward any hate mail you send to me right his way.

he's hilarious, though. come on. admit it.