Thursday, November 4, 2010

rough justice.

let's all try to live by this tenet, shall we? and by WE i mean YOU, because i stopped fucking dudes who don't read books a long time ago. man, what a fucking time-waster. bitches are always looking for an early indicator that a dude is going to be a worthless, piece of shit asshole, and NO BOOKS IN HIS APARTMENT is a dead goddamned giveaway. quit waiting for him to cheat on you or punch you in the face. if he doesn't read books he's not worth your energy. SERIOUSLY. maybe you could just bang him a few times to get it out of your system, but most of you bitches are too clingy and gross to properly execute the one and done. and hanging on to an illerate sonofabitch is downright EXHAUSTING. cute wears off, gorgeous. eventually that dude is going to be fat and have erectile dysfunction and you kids are going to need something to goddamned TALK ABOUT. shit. okay then, it's tough love time.

My boyfriend is leaving soon for basic training and will be gone for more than four months. We won't be able to talk in any way except letters. How do I keep our relationship strong and keep from missing him too much?

is that possible? i mean, really possible? i know that goddamned everything is considered unpatriotic in this era of halfrican presidents and the incessant talk of TEABAGGING on cable television news programs, but let's pretend for a minute that our first amendment rights are still unalienable and be for real about how hard it would be to date someone in the fucking military. hooray for soldiers, because the more of them that enlist voluntarily the less likely some hot young dude i'm trying to fuck will be caught up in the new draft, but this shit is HARD. my dad was a batshit crazy ex-marine who spent his formative years fighting in korea, and let's just say that among my laundry list of rules was "no whistling in the house" and "never look an adult male in the eyes because he might consider it a challenge." ptsd is real, sister.

that said, i'm kind of in love with the idea of four passionate months of hot love lettering, but only if he's got good grammatical skills and won't misspell too many things. for cereal. i won't let a dude who needs to repeat eight grade language arts text me too much, let alone try to sift through a whole letter's worth of indiscernible garbage. and i don't know how to keep a relationship strong (is that a real thing you can do?) with a motherfucker who's not dodging shrapnel in afghanistan, so i can't be of any help there. and EVERYBODY knows how you keep from missing someone: you find someone else to fill that void. someone with a big, um, void-filler.

What does it mean when a man loves you because you remind him of Justin Bieber?

that he's gay and you look like a fucking lesbian. DUH.

I'm a Christian and my boyfriend's an atheist. That doesn't bother me at all. I was just daydreaming the other day about us getting married and raising a family, but then it hit me: I would want my kids to be raised Christian, but he might have a problem with that. How would we go about discussing this?

"let's break up." do that dude a fucking solid and end your relationship with him. religious people are terrifying to me, because they are usually vehement and tyrannical and it's IMPOSSIBLE to get through to them 99% of the fucking time. and while they are unequivocally permitted to stand upon the rock and proselytize their fiction to me for the sake of an argument, if i say, cited "snow white" to underwrite a point of my own i'd be considered RIDICULOUS. parents are crazy scary, too, and jesus + mommy = YIKES. i can see how christians and jews might come to an agreement when raising their bireligious offspring, but if i view the ten commandments as a hilarious bucket list and you want to live your life by them, we should probably not shit out any babies together. i'm tempted to ask how dating even works, especially the whole virginity thing. i mean, you are a virgin, right? a good, clean christian girl worried about a possible future with heathen athiest offspring? you are pure as the driven snow aren't you? a christian girl with christian family values like you? you couldn't possibly be having sex, could you? mm hmm. as i suspected. just another hypochristian.

What's your opinion on domestic discipline? My husband wants our marriage to be a dd marriage. I'm not so sure. What do you think about this?

speaking of terrifying religious zealotry, my friend the internet told me this is a new thing some christian couples are getting into. in the name of the lord, of course. basically, husband gets to spank wife. when wife is bad. you know, to DISCIPLINE her. if a dude could prove his IQ was higher than mine and his ability to reason were more intact, then i would GLADLY allow him to turn me over his knee and correct something i'd said or done. too bad that no dude like this exists. so i guess i'll never know.

if you're dumb and require someone even dumber to plot your steps and punish you when you've done something he disapproves of, i'm all for this shit. if i want your baby spanked i DEFINITELY want your ass spanked right along with him. maybe hitting really is the answer. i was threatened and glowered at rather than whipped or spanked, and i'm a terrible fucking person. someone should have beaten the shit out of me! maybe i wouldn't be so "smart in the mouth" and have such a bad attitude. i'd like to be invited to dinner at a dd house, just so i could witness firsthand how this shit works. husband: "my mashed potatoes are cold!" wife: "oh no! honey, i'm so sorry!" husband, removing belt (or shoe or whatever sanctioned item you get to clobber your wife with): "get over here and let me teach you a lesson!"

blarf. how do you call the police if he goes too far? what do you do if he causes an actual injury? seriously, are you going to explain to the ER doctor that you live in a domestic discipline household? no, you are not. that said, if a dude let me spank him i'd be TOTALLY INTO IT. i'd let him pick his own switch and everything. yum.

I've been wondering this for a while now: why are women with cats always painted as lonely and desperate? I seriously don't get this, can you please enlighten me?

i'm a woman (mostly), i have a cat, and i am the awesome. aren't all the villainous witches in children's stories old broads with mean-ass cats, desperate to cook and eat some little fucking kids? i imagine some repressed homosexual who hated his mommy perpetuated this fraud. you know, the kind who would spend his adult life writing and animating CHILDREN'S STORIES. (i'm looking at you, walt disney.) if librarians can be seen as sexy then goddamn it why can't cat ladies make a comeback?! that's my mission, i just decided. to bring back the sexy cat lady. purrrrrrr.

Which is worse for a married man to have: an emotional affair or a physical affair?

BLARF. this is like choosing between the firing squad and the guillotine. but if i am forced to choose i have to go with emotional, simply because i can't STAND when a dude i'm into thinks someone is smarter or funnier than i am, and it would kill me if my hot piece was curling up next to some other bitch's jokes. if it's a physical thing i'd be pissed and probably have him murdered all the same, but i'd be a bit more understanding. i'm not that gorgeous and i'm totally fucking lazy. and trust me, NO ONE wants to stick his dick in a punchline. i've tried.

I met my boyfriend online. I want to do a background check on him for peace of mind for me and my family. How do I ask him if that's ok? It's understandable, right?

your family gets involved in your sex life? see THIS is why it rules to be an orphan. (there are dozens of reasons why it doesn't rule, but just play along for a minute.) i don't know, gurl. you got some CIA people? or some IRS people? because what the fuck could a regular-ass bitch find out about someone? what are you going to do, GOOGLE this motherfucker? bitch, please! you have to know crooked gangsters and convicts and shady lawyers to find out any real dirt, and even then who knows what they might find out? what are you going to do once you know a dude's low credit score and outstanding library book balance? refuse to let him buy you a cheeseburger? YEAH fucking RIGHT. you're going to do exactly what the rest of us would do: let that dude put it in your butt and make fun of him behind his back for never having returned "the house on mango street."

My boyfriend likes to explore the nether-lands. I'll kneel over to get something while in bed naked, and he'll ask me to stay like that as he looks at and fiddles with my lady parts for a minute. I think it's funny that he looks like such a chimpanzee, but it's nothing to worry about...right?

this is the shit i live for. how fucking crazy is this?! i'd NEVER STOP bending over in front of this dude. seriously, i'd never fucking wear pants! he'd have to be properly sanitized first, but then poke poke poke all you like, friend! he's OBVIOUSLY mentally impaired in some way, but at least he airs his shit out in the open, right? most people would suppress this kind of curiosity, choosing instead to bottle it up until one day he explodes and pokes a knife in your butthole. kudos to this fine gentleman. keep doing this. PLEASE.

How do you know when a guy only wants you for sex? What are the signs?

he's walking? talking? BREATHING?!

I love my job, but my fiance wants me to quit when we get married and be a housewife. He is a corporate lawyer so money isn't a problem. I just wonder why he doesn't want me to work. Does it really make a difference in a relationship if I work or not?

you "wonder why he doesn't want you to work?" well, let me help: HE WANTS TO TRAP YOU INTO DEPENDENCE. i will have some form of income, legal or otherwise, until the day i drop dead. nothing strikes empathetic fear in my heart faster than the words "i stay home and take care of the kids." could you sell avon? or tupperware?! is there ANY WAY AT ALL you can earn your own money? a PAYCHECK equals FREEDOM, mam, and unless your pre-nup isbangin', when this 99.99999% divorce rate catches up with your ass you're going to be FUCKED. you and your kids. dudes don't do the right thing anymore, get the mistress/secretary a secret apartment in the city while maintaining your standard of comfortable living in the suburbs. instead they jettison your saddlebagged ass and move in with that bitch these days, shacked up playing house until she pressures him for a commitment and he leaves her ass, too. and the only reason you'd need to care is if you were trapped waiting for his trickle down economics to pay your fucking mortgage. so yes, it makes a difference. the difference between being able to say "fuck you" while packing your shit and groveling pathetically while you wait for him to cut you a check. just cut out the middle man and marry your job. many happy returns!

It takes me a long time to warm up to strangers, and I get weirdly flippant when I'm nervous. Guys think I'm hilarious, but I feel like they know nothing about me. How can I stop making people laugh long enough for them to actually get to know me?

sorry to break this to you, but no one really wants to get to know the real you. seriously, they just fucking DON'T. and i'm dubious about how funny you are, but my funny has been proven and 99% of the people i know could give a shit who i really am. bitches just want you to crack jokes. and can you blame them? no one's trying to hear about my dead parents all the time, they want me to riff on some shit and make it funny. because laughing is basically an orgasm that comes out of your mouth, and nothing on earth feels better than THAT. and rest assured, eventually your true, unfunny self will come bubbling up to the fucking surface. keep people around long enough and they are bound to see you freak the fuck out or curled up in a ball in the corner sobbing or kick your dog out of anger or whatever it is you are dyyyying for them to get to know. personally i like to hide my cray cray behind the comedy veil, but if you want to unleash it on some unsuspecting person who just wanted to have a good time hanging out with you then BY ALL MEANS. go right ahead and ruin that budding relationship. idiot.

and i wish i knew how to stop making people laugh. but i can't. because i'm HILARIOUS. pfffft.

What are your views on drunk calls? Are things said in a drunk call honest and can be taken seriously?

drunk calls made or received? my drunk calls are epic and hilarious because i'm an expert lush, but the only drunk calls i've ever received were either lecherous, slurred booty calls (gross) or some bitch sobbing in my goddamned ear about some shit i could fucking care less about (grosser). but everybody knows i haven't answered my phone since 2003, so i make more drunk calls than i get. i'll talk until your voicemail runs out of tape, say dirty and delirious shit all in your ear, WHATEVER. i never make important calls that have to be taken seriously when i'm drunk, mostly because i avoid conversations like that AT ALL COSTS. i don't have heart-to-hearts with people, because i don't ever really fuck anything up. and i play the blame game rather than apologize for anything i do, so no "i'm so sorry" calls, either. i hate talking about shit. i like to do stuff that's fun. making serious phone calls is the opposite of that. and anyone who would wait until he or she was drunk to try to hammer out some sensitive shit with you is a coward and should be removed from your life anyway. if your man wants to have a relationship talk and you can smell beer through the receiver, HANG THE HELL UP. then tell him to call me.

I've got a TOUGH one! I "over-called" this guy I've been seeing for 4 weeks. Several calls, texts, and emails two days after our last date on Sunday. We had tentatively planned dinner for Tues, but he never confirmed. Yes, he said HE would call. Bad judgment on my part and havent heard from him. How do I fix this? Thanks.

either ask a friend to bind your hands or throw your phone in the garbage. i've stuck to my "never calling another dude AGAIN" phone plan and, while i haven't gotten laid, i also haven't suffered any unseemly (and emotionally crippling) embarrassment and humiliation overages. you bitches probably already know, but the stupidity one feels after having not one but several of her attempts at communication ignored is UNPARALLELED. god, that's just crushing. take it from a bitch who never answers her phone (and has a lot of angry "goddamn you, sam, you never answer your fucking phone!" voicemails to prove it) that that shit is MUCHO DISCOURAGING. i prefer overeating to overcalling, therefore after the FIRST one went unanswered i'd bury my sorrows in some tacos or saltines, depending on the state of my intestines at the time, and get in bed with a book and the first season of sons of anarchy. so why not try that? there's no such thing as FIXING this, so toss your phone in your sock drawer and spend a weekend reconnecting with the treats in your pantry and that book you've been meaning to read, then check your phone monday morning and see if he's called.

he will not have, of course, because you are motherfucking crazy and did your absolute best to terrify the shit out of him, but at the very least you will have a belly full of sugar (and probably cheap wine) and a newfound appreciation for jonathan franzen.

Okay, my ex broke up with me a few months back. However, he's acting like I broke up with him and that he's the one with all the hurt feelings. Can you shed some light on this for me?

for sure. dudes are manipulative pussies and melodramatic crybabies. somehow society has tricked women into thinking that we're the crazy, emotional, manipulative ones, and that is TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT. every cheater i ever caught cried and pleaded like a neutered dog and that made me embarrassed for them; i might have stuck around if one of them had been like, "look, bitch, i did what i did and you're just going to have to DEAL WITH IT," before throwing me on the bed and getting savage with my ladyparts. i wouldn't really, but at least i wouldn't have to stand there and pretend to listen to his poor torment and pain. life is just so hard for men, you see, that's why he couldn't be a good boyfriend and had to dump you. he didn't want to, but he's just so sorry and going through so many heavy things in his life right now. and if you could just understand how badly he hurts, how much he ached with melancholy after texting "i'm done with this relationship" to you at four in the morning from that other girl's bed then maybe you'd consider going easy on him and finding it in your heart to forgive. that decision was so hard for him, don't you get it?

man, fuck this dude. i'm not a big fan of the whole "friends with my ex" thing, because i think it mostly devolves into exactly this kind of silly shit. he said she said relationship rehashing, and FUCK THAT. it's either all this psychodrama or damaging rebound sex, neither of which is good for your further growth and development as a sentient being. bitches who don't add anything valuable to your life need to get kicked the fuck out of it, especially when those bitches have penises they used to stick inside you. TRUE STORY: last week laura and i were sitting at work, fucking around on the internet as usual, reading dlisted and shit and ignoring the please of small animals, when this dude i dated TEN YEARS AGO "dropped by to say hello." i don't know if laura's ever heard my "fuck this asshole" voice before, but she got an earful of it last week. i was all "fuck you, get outta my job, you're a dickbag" and he still tried to plead his sorry case. his TEN YEAR OLD case. isn't there a statute of limitations on cheating liars? holy fuck, dude, MOVE ON. and he's the second dude to pull the show up at sam's job and apologize for some OLD SHIT trick so i was a righteous bitch and humiliated him to make laura laugh, because that's the kind of friend i am. if my miserable follies make someone smile, then my job on this earth is done. the point, if you couldn't find it anywhere in there, is that as long as a dude knows your phone number or where you live or where you work he will never stop trying to rewrite history and convince you that it's somehow YOUR fault that he fucked you over. so stop talking to him. or emasculate his raggedy ass in front of your friend. whatever works.

Is there a difference between having sex and making love?

ew. if a dude ever said he was going to make love to me i would open his control panel and power him down before sending him back to the manufacturer and demanding he honor my expired warranty. romantic sex is a fallacy; it is also fruity and gross. i imagine making love is like softcore cinemax porn, you know, the kind with gay story arcs that is fucking impossible to masturbate to. who watches that? and how do you watch that shit?! directv gave me free cinemax because someone obviously tipped them off that i am a pervert and sexual deviant, and i was flipping past some shit the other night and stopped on a porn called "the hills have thighs" (that's fucking GENIUS, dude) and could only watch for half a second before i felt my brain beginning to atrophy from boredom. i like to see private parts and copious ejaculation, not a chick bouncing up and down on a dude's lap for ten seconds moaning like he's really doing something. bitch, please. the up-close crotch shots look like a fucking handshake! it's just flesh pressed together! no vag! no peen! how can i get hot for the sexual equivalent of a high five? that shit is offensive.

Is it ok to send a guy flowers?

absolutely not. dudes aren't into flowers, and if yours is he is MOIST. women like to get
flowers because they like for the other women gathered around the office water cooler to seethe in jealous rage at the sight of them. you really care about some rapidly-dying birds of paradise that fell off the delivery truck, lover? yeah right. you want janelle in accounting to SHIT HER FUCKING PANTS that you got flowers the week after she found out her husband was cheating on her with a pre-op and you really want amy in HR to know you're getting laid on the regular because you overheard that whore making fun of your wide hips in the break room the other day. if i got some flowers right this second i wouldn't check the card or anything. i'd brandish them in laura's face and yell "bam!", then i'd upload a picture on facebook like the rest of you bragging ass sluts with the caption, "guess whose boo is better than YOURS?"

if a dude is deserving of a special treat (and i doubt that he's sufficiently earned it but let's keep living in fantasy flower land), BLOW HIM. dudes want to get their fucking DICKS SUCKED, not smile sheepishly at the UPS man as he signs for that fruitbag edible arrangement your dumb ass spent 900 dollars on and had shipped to his fucking JOB, in front of EVERYONE, or the heart-shaped cookie assortment he has to run out and hide in his trunk because his coworkers won't stop giving him shit about it.

here's what you can send to a man: your dry cleaning bill, any other bills of yours that need paying for that matter, the receipt for the valtrex you had to buy after he gave you herpes, a naked picture of the dude you dumped him for, a cease and desist letter, DNA results that prove your child is, in fact, HIS, or any items he might have "accidentally" left in your apartment the last time you allowed him to stay over. stop throwing salt in my game, sir. take your socks with you when you leave.