Tuesday, December 21, 2010

bah, humbug.

blink and you'll miss my weak attempt at christmas "decorations." if it weren't THE SADDEST THING ON EARTH to send out christmas cards when you live alone with a cat, this would be our card this year. one sad string of lights on my bookshelf. two empty stockings. helen lying on the floor in the hall near the door in case anyone comes in who might let her run away and escape my codependent clutches. what are the suicide statistics for this time of year? high as hell?! i bet. nothing makes you feel more miserable and alone and unloved than christmas commercials and holiday cheer. FOR REALS. it is impossible to feel like your life isn't lame while watching some elated bitch unwrap an acura that santa gave her undeserving ass. and thanks for reminding me that i had a shitty childhood EVERY TOY ADVERTISEMENT THAT EVER CAME ON TELEVISION. jesus christ, i hate my parents. i can only be thankful that i'm not growing up in 2010, because i didn't get a nintendo in goddamned 1989, so i KNOW i wouldn't have an ipod or a cell phone or a wii or a psp or whatever it is kids need nowadays. and then i would have shot up my school.

i don't give a shit about the holidays, because everyone is broke and cheap and miserable and they just buy you shit at walgreens and pretend it's a suitable gift and i'm not that good of an actress. i'm an ingrate. and totally shitty. and i stopped buying christmas presents a long time ago, because i hate calculating the difference of the value between what you bought me and what i bought you. and "it's the thought that counts" is something people who buy shitty gifts say. because most gifts aren't thoughtful. they're stupid, and i know you just grabbed that thing for me at the last second while standing in the check-out line at wal-mart because you don't want to look like an asshole. but you know what? you DO look like an asshole. because my gift cost money and your gift cost thought.

so i just tell people not to buy me SHIT. i'll buy my own stuff that i'm never going to use. that way, i get exactly what i want and don't have to worry about listening to you bitch about what expensive tastes i have. at this point i'm over material gifts anyway. i have pretty much everything i need, and everything else either can't be bought or is illegal to pay for. but a girl can dream...

1 i want all of you jerks to come see me read at revolving door january 26. which, if you think about, is really my gift to you. it's at red kiva, 1108 w. randolph, 7 pm. and it is absolutely FREE. seriously, if you've never seen me read before (or if you're one of the seven people who has seen me read a million times), this is a good place to do it. the place is really beautiful, the food is good, the drinks are strong, and did i mention this shit is FREE? and that I AM GOING TO BE THERE?! i don't get these feature gigs very often, and i am probably going to die soon, so you should show up and support me and my taco. live. on stage. reading funny stuff. okay okay okay i'll stop.

seriously, though. give me a reason to keep breathing. and buy me a motherfucking shot.

2 i need a butler. not in general, because i don't like anyone bothering me all of the fucking time, but i have a few very specific tasks around the house that it would be nice to have someone else perform. for instance, i HATE cleaning the humidifier. and i always forget to put placemarks in my books when i'm done reading them for the evening. then in the morning i waste two of the minutes i should be using to make the 7:06 train flipping through whatever i'm reading to find where i left off. i don't like cleaning my glasses, or the bathtub. and, all joking aside, i need a motherfucker to change my lightbulbs. my ceilings are high, and if i fall off the chair to my death helen will have half my face eaten off before my body even gets cold. also, he should be old and white. i don't need anyone distracting me while he's bending over to clean out the litter box.

3 HOT DUDES. duh.

i DO have a little something for you guys, though. TWO PODCASTS. hooray, right?! i spent two hours in my bathroom last night recording myself reading some dumb stories for you and your kin, THEN i spent three hours downloading software and adding mp3s and learning about wav files and voice manipulation and blah blah you don't really give a shit blah. i made the mistake of listening to them both and at this point am totally grossed out at the sound of my voice, which you'll have to excuse because i'm still fighting my way through this pneumonia and i have post-nasal drip something FIERCE. excuses are for jerks, so i won't make any. just know that i'll work the kinks out as i go along. and i promose to stop saying "um" so goddamned much. what a toolbox.

episode 1:


and for those of you who don't get it, ahem GENO, the format is this: full-length jam of my choice, awkward rambling and nervous giggling, reading a piece or two or three, dunzo.

ooh, and here is a logo for those of you who want one in your ipod. i'm leaving no goddamned stone unturned. right click and save this shit.

i hope you laugh at least a little bit. happy hanukhristmas.