Thursday, December 9, 2010

it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

who the fuck doesn't love mini shit? kittens, tacos, golf, comic strips, hand lotions, halloween candy, flashlights, water bottles, dwarves, coopers, skirts, blinds...TINY SHIT IS TOTALLY BETTER.

i'm trying a new thing, kittens. a couple new things, as a matter of fact. and if you know me, you know i am vehemently opposed to change. which is why all my fucking clothes are threadbare and why my hair looks so retarded all the time. so you should be proud of me for being so brave. anyway, it has come to my attention (more than fucking once), that my posts are too long. apparently it is too much of a fucking commitment to ask people to sit down and read my novel of a blog. like you bitches have so much to fucking do. pffffft.

it probably goes without saying that the ONLY PEOPLE TO COMPLAIN HAVE ALL BEEN MALE, but this shit is for dudes, too, so i guess i should listen to what the people want. personally i think if i was posting every day instead of once a fucking week it might be a whole goddamned lot to ask, but life is better when you're flexible, right? so i'm going to suck up my attitude and bend to the whim of the people. i tell stories and i'm good at it, so i'm going to fucking figure out how to tell one using fewer words and see if that shit still makes you laugh. except when i don't. because fuck dudes. and ADHD.

my other new shits are way more exciting: i'm going to start podcasting this bitch, and that will be totally fucking righteous. that way those of you who are too lazy to read can just download the dulcet tones of my voice and take me everywhere you go: the laundromat, the grocery store, church, crack house, wherever! a miniaturized, portable sam! woot! and if you're thinking "why would i listen to that shit when i could read it?" the answer is this: BONUS MATERIAL. like phone sex and helen meowing in the background. plus, i'll be drunk.

i go out a lot and have a shit ton of disposable income, so i'm going to start casually reviewing all these places my bitches and i go. and i know you could just get on yelp or whatever, but the assholes who post on that bitch always try to pretend like they're real reviewers and use fruity food language and shit. while i on the other hand will write about whether or not any black people go there or if the bathroom is one you can comfortably take a shit in. and i'm a mellow fucking person, so you won't have to worry that i hate a place and posted a nasty rant because my goddamned soup wasn't hot enough. who the fuck goes to a restaurant and orders SOUP??!?!?!! these bad girls will be tagged "opinions are like assholes." keep your eyes peeled.

so i guess you miniature gentlemen can fucking relax. apparently bigger isn't always better.