Tuesday, December 7, 2010

stupid dudes, stupid problems.

now this is a dude i feel sorry for. fuck real dudes. human dudes are rarely worthy of a single tear or drop of sympathy, which is why i rarely give one any. boo fucking hoo, asshole. dogs, on the other hand, are helpless and sweet.

ginger is riding the tandem bike with me this time around, because she hates men almost as much as i do. and reading what bitches write is way sexy. prrrrrr.

A bite on my wife's lip sends her over the orgasm edge. Why?

I like to have my nipples bit but it’s never been timed exactly to test this kind of thing out. But I also like my lips bit (within reason, no blood drawn) and I can see this working by slightly distracting from her concentration on her orgasm, which can be helpful if you are a lady who thinks about it too much. Then again, maybe she’s faking the increased intensity to fuck with you. I like to consider all possibilities.

man, biting is the greatest. and i don't mind bleeding. but i've found that sometimes it's really hard to talk a dude into doing it. i've had better luck getting men to let me put my whole shoe up their assholes than i have asking them to play jeffrey dahmer for an evening. occasionally you run across a real freak, the kind of dude who pulls out a knife and fork and does WORK. but we live in the age of HIV and hepatitis and flesh eating bacteria, so you have to be wary of just whom you pull your fangs out for.

i'm too fucking lazy to research whether or not this is true for other women, but for this whore there is a direct correlation between the bite and the intensity of the orgasm. remember that time my doctor almost fainted because my back was bitten up so badly? super hot. decent sex can be AMAZING SEX if a dude knows how to masticate. i kid you not, the command i give the absolute most in bed is "USE YOUR TEETH." lips and nipples (especially nipples) are fantastic, but if a dude bites my ear or neck i'm his forever. be careful, though, and remember to ask for permission if you aren't sure. i don't want you taking a bite outta crime.

My girlfriend lives far away. Any tips for, ahem, e-relations?

I don’t really do long distance because I hate talking on the phone, I refuse to chat online (my face doesn’t want to fill up anyone’s computer screen, thanks), and – oh yeah – I like penetration. But you guys are probably in love or something, so I’ll try. I think phone sex is kind of hotter than skype sex, but that is because I’m weird about holding a webcam up to my lady parts and stuff. I guess if I were you, I’d probably alternate between the two. And as someone who is not inclined to do either of these while totally sober, I would suggest that if either of you is at all shy, have a few drinks first. That’ll really loosen you up.

Maybe you could skype while watching the same porn? Also, you could write dirty stories about your sex life and email them to each other throughout the day. Or one of you could start a dirty story, the other could write the next paragraph, then the first could write the paragraph after that...that could be funny and/or sexy, actually.

I’m kind of into this now. Where is my long-distance lover?!

everybody already knows that phone sex is my absolute favorite kind. no messy bodily fluids, no pushing you away from my side of the bed, no yelling at the cat to get in her crate, no worrying about leg hair, no changing the sheets, no pretending to enjoy silky nightgowns, no nothing. just me, my vibrator, and the phone. PERFECTO.

i am opposed to every other kind of virtual sex, mostly because i like to have orgasms. the hippie sent me some excruciatingly hot dirty texts this morning, and all i could do was squirm at my desk and wish i could take my pants off. i mean, how am i supposed to work a twelve hour day after "pussy this, throbbing that?" what am i, a robot?! for me the hottest part of phone sex is listening to the other person moaning and groaning on the other end of the line. i'm less interested in fruity story lines and all that garbage. i want to listen to you lotion your dick and beat it against the receiver while you grunt like an old man trying to heave himself out of a chair. so if your girl is like ginger, you better get to a computer and get your romance novel on. and if your girl is like sam? all you need is a tub of margarine and an unlimited phone plan. yowza.

I've tried everything, but I still last only a few minutes during sex.

Have you really tried everything? Cock rings? Actually, I was unsure as to whether cock rings generally make a guy last longer, and so I went to Wikipedia (I’d have to recommend the Wikipedia cock ring page, it’s kind of hilarious) and the Babeland cock ring info page, and it seems that it only helps some guys last longer. So if you haven’t tried one, do, but it might not work.

If you’re young, I bet this will improve with age. I hope it will. But in any case, you just have to not make intercourse the focus of your time in bed. Perform oral sex on your partner, manually stimulate him/her, do all kinds of crazy shit with toys and props and porn and whatever, and just keep your dick out of the game. Make him/her come (a few times if it’s a she) and then stick it in. If you are good at all the other stuff, she may not mind it so much.

NO PROBLEM. i fucking hate a dude who takes forever to come. BLARF. number one, i have shit to do today other than help your dick across the finish line. i'm a busy person! number two, i'm crippled half the fucking time and that much physical exertion is goddamned tiring. if i have to take a naproxen and two celebrex halfway through trying to get you off, chances are you will not be invited back. and that "make her come first" shit can be tricky. i'm like a dude; when i'm done, I'M DONE. i want to roll over to the cold part of the sheets and fall asleep with my mouth open and a paper towel wedged between my legs, not do the shake weight on your penis. or i want to watch tv. or make a sandwich. or paint my nails. or go to the bar. anything other than listening to you groan "almost there" for another forty-five fucking minutes. come on, man, i'm DRY. i would much rather get off, let you get your two pumps in, then get up and go get tacos. don't be embarrassed, just find the laziest bitch on earth. as a matter of fact, see what the fuck i'm up to sometime.

I've heard watching porn together can spice things up. How do I convince her to join my viewing?

What are you, a Mormon? Just ask! “So, do you want to watch a porn tonight?” If you suspect that she’s not that into porn (as Samantha knows, I’m more into that crappy softcore stuff and I don’t watch a lot of hardcore porn), maybe you choose something a little more straight one-man-on-one-woman stuff at first. Work up to double penetration, ass to mouth, gangbang, torture, etc. But seriously. You’re hanging out, watching a movie or making out or something, just bring it up. Unless you two are 12, she’s probably seen porn before. Even if she doesn’t like it, she’ll probably agree to it so she doesn’t seem like a prude.

man, i love porn. the more hardcore, the better. BUT. it embarrasses me to watch porn with another person. this is probably more than i should divulge, but if there's a hot part i will just keep rewinding that shit over and over and over until i'm finished. and i don't want to talk about porn with a dude. i don't want to hear what nasty shit gets him off, and i certainly don't want to explain why that specific cum shot needed to be rewound seventeen times. maybe i'm just enabling myself and this guard i've placed around my heart and vagina, but i think everyone needs a shit ton of privacy. and, for me, porn is between me and my g spot and that filthy little corner in the back of my brain. besides, it's not something you'd grab a bowl of popcorn and sit on the couch to watch. how the fuck long are you watching porn? three and a half minutes? "hey babe, you want to watch a movie with me? i'm just putting one in the dvd player. come over and sit with me. could you bring me a beer from the fridge? and grab the remote and bring over a blanket and get my m&ms and HOLY SHIT I'M ABOUT TO COME." and then you bust a load in your pants before this bitch's ass even touches the couch next to you. mucho boring.

so i would just ask this broad outright, and if she says no then you should respect that. no kamikaze porn on the tv when you know she's about to get home, no sending her dirty videos during the day to try to win her over. listen, if you need a bright side, you can pretend you're fucking those girls if you're watching them by yourself. and you won't have to listen to "is she prettier than me?" "are her boobs better than mine?" "do you picture her when we're having sex?" see? you're over this shit already!

My wife says I penetrate too deep. Is this possible?

I think the correct word would be “deeply,” as it’s an adjective here. And, yes. We have stuff in there, we’re not blow-up dolls with a giant empty tube for you to bang around in. When you tap the cervix repeatedly, it hurts (and depending on the time of the month, a woman’s cervix can move further or closer to the vaginal opening. True story!). Let her control the extent of the penetration (having her on top, doggy style with her controlling the motion – and doesn’t that sound hot anyway?), at least at first, to show you how deeply you can penetrate without hurting her. Then, if you can control yourself and your insatiable need to penetrate SO DEEPLY with your long, giant cock, perhaps you can take over.

Note the tone of my last sentence. You probably already knew ALL THIS SHIT and just wrote this to brag.

is your wife twelve? if not, tell that bitch to MAN THE FUCK UP.

Is there an ideal angle for sex from behind?

Well, first, go with the angle that keeps the penis in the vagina. Once you have mastered that, I think it depends more on how your dick angles. Like, if you are angled upwards, you’re kind of shit out of luck when it comes to hitting her G-spot in this position. If you hang downwards, then good for you. This is the position for you and your lady and will probably bring her much joy. If you are a straight shooter, just try to work it so that the bottom of your cock rubs against the front-facing side of her vadge. Does that make sense? I hope so.

now this is my all-time favorito if i have to actually be in the same room as the person i'm fucking. GROSS. anyway, the slipping out all the time is the biggest problem, but i think that has less to do with the angle than it does some idiot dude trying to show the fuck off. in my experience it is typically the dudes with the biggest dicks who are the biggest dicks, mostly because they think that all that's required of them is to show up with that huge horse penis and kick back while you swoon. man, fuck that. and the dudes who act like they're performing for some invisible camera wear me the fuck out, too. and they try to do weird acrobatics and shit, resulting only in mucho embarrassing slips of the penis, which does NEITHER of us any damn good. don't try to do swirls and curlicues and write your name on my vaginal wall; put it in, take it out, repeat. ejaculate. TACO TIME.

Why do some men have foot fetishes?

The only man I ever met who displayed a foot fetish had a teeny tiny penis that he literally could not fuck me with. It was really too small for even a decent bj. So he played with my feet a lot. This is totally anecdotal but I’m sure a fair number of people develop odd fetishes because they’re bad at or unequipped for “vanilla” sex.

because they are gross. DUH. that said, my favorite loverrrrrr of all time is a dude who both sucked my toes AND begged for a finger in his butt. man, was he hot. so i like gross stuff. obviously.

Does a $30 bottle of wine really taste better than a $10 bottle, or is it just my imagination?

I love this question in the wake of Sam’s idiotic “top shelf” dude. You fancy assholes and your slightly more expensive habits! It puts trash like me to shame. (Personally I like boxed wine.) It is your imagination. Maybe there is a noticeable difference between a $10 bottle and a $100 or $200 bottle, but not with this $20 difference. However, idiots like you keep this economy from totally collapsing, so keep buying these overpriced bottles.

oh, my hilarious ginger. i fucking hate wine. YUCK. i like drinking beer, whiskey shots, and fruity drinks made with rum. so i'll stick to where i'm best acquainted. cheap beer tastes like roach spray most of the time, and it'll give you baby guts for three days after. blech. there is a definite difference between a shot of old fitzgerald and a shot of jameson or buffalo trace, but if you're going to follow that shit with a glass of water or a sip of beer anyway, who the fuck cares?! last saturday we were doing $3 whiskey shots and that shit was like drinking raw listerine or nail polish remover, HOLY FUCKING BALLS, but it was followed by a delicious taco al pastor, so it made me no nevermind. and i was drunk as hell all the same. also, i was out with terrence and arizona and paid for a round of shots for those gentlemen, and that shit cost me TWENTY-ONE DOLLARS. if someone else is buying, get the good shit. but if it's coming out of your wallet, sneak over to the bar, order the booze, bring it to the table, and LIE YOUR DICK OFF. people are fucking stupid. and no one can tell the difference between shit. pfffft.

I've been on a few dates with a great woman but she has a cat, and I'm very allergic. Help.

Every guy I have dated in the past two years (for those of you keeping track, that’s... two. But also some men I’ve hooked up with) has a goddamn cat, and I am seriously allergic. Which leads me to a tangent – this “cat woman” nonsense is total bullshit. I think 80% of people who are single past the age of 25, male or female, have cats. Women just live longer and people like to pretend that all childless women are insane. Hence this alleged “cat lady” phenomenon. At least that’s what I think.

Back to the subject. I’m currently dating a dude with a cat. At first, it was awful when I went to his house. Thank god he found a runny nose, sneeze attacks, and probable loud snoring TOTALLY SEXY. (I made that up. I’m just assuming since he banged me after I sneezed on him repeatedly and blew my nose 52 times a night.) This was even with allergy pills (it was also hay fever season though, and so my life in general was a mess of snot and tears).

However, he was kind enough to sometimes launder his bedding before I came over, and clean up the cat hair, and I’m not sure if he’s keeping up with that or what, but my allergies have been gradually getting better. And I’m not over there all the time so this is pretty impressive. You seriously do get used to cats – my sister also had an allergy until she lived with a cat in college. Another thing I have considered is getting allergy shots, because it’s clear that I’m destined to live with a cat one day (seriously, all men I am remotely interested in have cats) and I’m willing to get poked with needles so that I can get poked (wink wink) on a regular basis.

For the time being, you can alternate where you sleep (your house vs. her house) when you spend the night together, too, saving you some of the pain. But unless you are looking for an excuse to remain single, the cat shouldn’t be a dealbreaker.

i am fucking offended. "a great woman BUT she has a cat?" this furry little feline diminishes her greatness? in what way? ASSHOLE.

i don't see what the problem is. have you dudes never heard of goddamned benedryl? that shit is almost criminally cheap. GO GET YOU SOME. all my future paramours better listen up: i work with animals. i will continue to work with animals. because i care about them. (and because this dude pays me an obscene amount and doesn't care that i'm on facebook all fucking day. but i digress.) i live with an animal. i will most likely live with more animals. so many that it might make you uncomfortable to be in my house. but i do not care. if you would like to hang out with me and are hesitant because you're "allergic," pfffft, you might want to think about taking a motherfucking zyrtec. or getting allergy shots. or wearing an oxygen mask. because this cat was here before you, and she'll be here long after you piss me off or disappoint me so much that i am forced to kick you out of my life.

besides, everyone knows that allergies are a goddamned myth anyway, a fucking byproduct of this spoiled rotten, sissified society. toughen up, you itchy sneezebags.

I'm learning guitar. How good should I be before serenading a woman?

Hahahahahahahaha. Omg, don’t do it. EVER. Or at least not until you’ve written a song featuring her name that has broken the top ten for at least two weeks running. Then again, if you really think you should be serenading a chick, you should probably do it on the first date every time. Warn these poor women what they are getting into. Some idiot will stay with you and the rest of us can escape this kind of nonsense. I can only nod and smile so much.

this sensitive dude i used to bang would get out his guitar and sing to me after we made sweet love and, i'm not going to lie, that shit was FRUITY. i thought i might be into it, you know? i'm a sensitive artist! i understand! anyway, he had a beautiful singing voice and was super handsome and shit, and i REALLY wanted to enjoy basking in the glow while he sang love songs to me. but mostly i just laid next to him wishing he would shut up so we could order a pizza. or thinking about how much a dude licking my clitoris for an hour makes me have to pee but i couldn't get up because i didn't want to be rude. or i would think about his slimy, retracted balls nestled and shivering in the dark under that guitar. god, i wish i were mature. the one time he was cooing and strumming his guitar and i got up to put a wrap on and tiptoe across his messy floor to relieve my bladder (it was about to pop!) he threw the guitar on the bed and had a total fucking hissy fit, chastising me for killing the romantic mood. he was fucking FREAKING OUT. so bad, that i tiptoed back and got in the bed and rubbed his back while he cried. (seriously, SO SENSITIVE. fucking musicians.) he picked up his guitar eventually and started to sing again, and i laid there seething inside while pretending to be captivated and peed in his bed. JERK.

in other words, don't do it.