Wednesday, January 5, 2011

dudes still don't know shit.

this is why my friends are the awesome. because they throw animal-themed costume parties at christmastime. no fruit cake, no mistletoe, just booze and cured meats. and all of us dressed as animals. in case it isn't obvious, i am a zebra and ginger is a unicorn. a scumbag zebra who has been liberally sprinkled with salt, apparently. that really is how my face looks 99.9% of the time. always so fucking angry about everything. LET'S DO THIS.

If a woman is covered in tattoos, does it mean she's a freak in the bedroom?

Yes. She will probably chain you up, whip you, pierce your dick without asking, etc. Be prepared for the ride of your life. (Actually the number of tattoos a woman has probably means next to nothing re: her approach to sex. And this is a really dumb question.)

what is the definition of "covered?" and is being a "freak in the bedroom" a bonus? i feel like i need to know these two things before i feel properly equipped to answer this question. because if the connotation of a freaky, tattooed broad is a negative one, then my answer is NOT AT ALL. tattoos mean she is a chaste, wholesome, saint-type creature. but if answering yes means someone would be willing to blow off the dust that has settled in the creases of my vagina, then my answer is HELL FUCKING YES. i have all these sweet biker tattoos because i'm fucking cool, man. and weak, spineless people are intimidated by them, which makes me feel better about myself indirectly. what a lot of tattoos really means is that this bitch is never going to make a shit ton of money in corporate america, nor is she likely to become a preschool teacher or a member of the clergy. so figure the sexy answer out for yourself: hot tattoos or the ministry? i think the answer is pretty fucking clear.
She slept with another guy after our first date, but before we hooked up. Is this a sign that she's not a good long-term prospect?

What are you, a Mormon? Who says things like “long-term prospect?" In any case, I don’t think you can judge whether she’d be a good girlfriend/sister wife by this. You guys were not exclusive. It is 2010. Shit, dating sucks. If a woman has tried out the dating thing even a few times, she has probably lost all hope that this latest guy is “the one” and so, until you make an explicit agreement to be exclusive, she just continues living her slutty life as she had been before you made your appearance.

Plus, guys do this ALL THE TIME and no one questions their long-term worth. I’m supposed to be head over heels for any guy who lets me stay the night at his place after I give him a blow job, regardless of the number of other broads he’s banging. I’m supposed to start planning the wedding in my head as I take the train home after the first hand job. Come on. Don’t act like you didn’t invite your favorite call girl over after you only got a peck on the cheek at the end of the first date.

i wouldn't date this bitch, but that's only because i like a motherfucker who DOESN'T TELL EVERY GODDAMNED THING ALL THE TIME. if this was my ass, you'd have no goddamned idea who i did or didn't fuck between the time we met and the time i fucked you. and you wouldn't know who i fucked AFTER i fucked you, either. why can't women keep shit to themselves? ESPECIALLY low-down dirty shit that makes you look like a big ol' whore? SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. really, everyone should stop talking so fucking much. every bad thing i ever learned about someone i'd been dating i wish i'd never known; i prefer to spend my days in blissful ignorance, not walk around saddled with the knowledge that you were fucking nine other girls when i thought we were "exclusive." all of this honesty is just depressing. and it puts a lot of unnecessary shit on your mind. like THE SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES OF A WOMAN YOU WENT ON ONE DATE WITH. cut this moist shit out.

shouldn't you be more concerned with the earning potential of your "long-term prospects?" this bitch didn't graduate high school and doesn't have two nickels to rub together, yet you're running around wondering whose dick she sucked last week. whooooooo cares?! i need to know a person i'm dating likes to read books and doesn't earnestly listen to john mayer. he needs to like steak and not be a shitty spades partner. the only thing i need to know about anyone he's slept with is whether or not they have herpes, and even then i'd probably just tell him to put some saran wrap on his dick. that works, right?
What's an inexpensive but equally impressive alternative to a dinner at a hot restaurant?

A slide show of your trip to Dubuque, Iowa and boxed wine. Wait, no. 40s on a bench in the park. Hold on, I’ve got it. Browsing the health and hygiene section of Target while sharing a shake from McDonald’s.

You know damn well that there is no inexpensive yet equally impressive alternative to fancy dinners. But only certain women expect that kind of thing. I like having drinks at a dive bar. If you buy the majority of my PBRs, I will be quite happy. Or a BYOB sushi place is nice. If you can’t afford to date the kind of lady who wants dinner at a hot restaurant, then she is out of your league. Find a good woman who isn’t looking for a sugar daddy. Man, you dudes are dense!

i'm about to catch an attitude up in here. this is the VERY REASON i feel like most dudes should be set on fire. you want me to fuck you after we split an appetizer at chili's, eh? FINE. i hope by "fuck" you mean "half a handjob." i love these dudes who think reading poetry and watching television and talking on the phone equals THINGS I SHOULD FUCK YOU AFTER. you gentlemen are wrong. NOTHING ON EARTH is better than a fancy dinner you pay for. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. don't let these new age bitches fool you. real women want to go someplace nice with a dude who smells like aftershave and won't stare at our tits all night, preferably after having been picked up in his car that wasn't handed down from his parents. let's be serious. i don't mind paying for my dinner. but it is nearly impossible to find a dude who can even come up off the money for what HE orders. and that's goddamned frustrating. plus, and it might be profiling to say this, but i never want to have a dollar menu motherfucker in my goddamned apartment; what if something comes up missing? i tell helen to keep an eye on my expensive eyeglasses and my dvd collection, but that bitch is LAZY. the last time i was like, "look alert, you little asshole" i caught some dude walking out of my place with my directv box, two seasons of nip/tuck, and the goddamned BATHTUB. after i murdered him in cold blood and hid his body in a dumpster i was like, "nice fucking job, helen. how was i going to take a shower?" she looked at me and shrugged. "what was i supposed to do, sam?! he had CHEETOS."
Public marriage proposals: Yes or no?

This is all about your lady. I know it’s hard, but pay attention to her for a brief time. Does she scream “WOOOOO!” a lot when you go out to the bars? Does she start stupid, pointless feuds with her “friends” and discuss the drama to death? Does she loudly argue over stupid, pointless shit with, say, the cashier at CVS?

If so, public proposal it is! She loves the spotlight and will appropriately cry and yell and hug you and show off the ring to everyone in the vicinity. This also applies to women who are borderline insane.

I, on the other hand, would turn down any guy who publicly proposed to me because that would be an excellent indication that he does not know me at all. I do not like attention from strangers, I don’t think my “love” needs to be publicly celebrated, and I suffer under no illusions that anyone on the street/at the ballpark/in the restaurant has any interest in my personal life. In other words, I’m pretty normal. If your girlfriend is anything like me, don’t do it.

Also, please don’t do it if I’m around. I’ll be annoyed by you two.

shit like this makes me jealous. i really do have a hard time being happy for people, even when they are my friends. unless whatever they're all tickled about is dumb. i would say not to do this because it isn't fair to your girlfriend. what if she wants to say no? do you really want your rejection splattered across the fucking JUMBOTRON? give your beloved, and yourself, a break. do that shit at home. where no one will see your embarrassed tears. seriously, brother. it's fucking gross when dudes cry.
Where on their bodies do women wish men would spend more time?

Provided you are paying sufficient attention to the clitoris, I would say maybe the neck. I don’t know if it applies to all women, but some light kissing/breathing on the right part of my neck really works for me. But I am relatively sure all women are different, so maybe you could ask her (I know – revolutionary idea). Or test out various parts of her body and pay attention to her reaction. That could result in hilarity or success, really, and I’m a fan of both.

I bet Samantha says toes.

ordinarily i totally would say toes, or BRAIN, but i am so fucking bitter and crabby and pissed off at dudes at the moment that i'm going to say THE STOMACH. you need to feed a bitch, goddamn it. in case i wasn't clear before.

The younger woman I'm dating is throwing a party. Is there a way to make nice with her friends without looking too out of place?

How old are you, and how young is she? This seriously has a grandpa-dating-college-girl vibe. Or an adult male molesting a child vibe. Either way, you are not going to blend in. Either go and fully except to be the odd man out, standing in the corner with your punch, or stay home and go over afterwards to help her clean up/bang her in the kitchen (god, I truly only mean that if it’s the 20 year old/60 year old thing here. Turn yourself in if this is a child.)

I mean, if she’s like late twenties or up and you are only 10 to 20 years her senior, I don’t see this being a problem, so I’m assuming a major age difference with an immature crowd of friends. Just don’t try to win them over. You’ve got the adoration (or something like that) of one younger lady, don’t be greedy. They all think you’re a pervert or having a mid/end of life crisis or some shit, anyway.

don't go to that fucking shit. come on, dude. have a little self-respect, with your old ass. nothing you could do will make it less awkward, and why would you subject yourself to that? young people hate old people, generally, and you don't want to be making corny jokes to bored teenagers who are smiling politely and trying to find a way out of the corner you trapped them in. you don't know what they listen to, you don't know what drugs they're doing, and they can totally tell that you're wearing wrangler jeans. this reminds me of that skin crawlingly awkward scene in the movie greenberg during which roger is at that teenage party and he's talking too loud and acting too weird and saying, "so you kids do coke now? is that right? coke is making a comeback? should i do some coke? i thought you kids only had sex on the internet? who has the coke? hold on while i put some duran duran on the stereo." BLARF. you don't want to be that dude, do you? i mean, come on. it's gross. i have text sex with ginger's little brother, who is almost eleven years my junior. everything's fine when he's talking about getting drunk and touching himself, but the minute that dude starts talking about mario kart or getting a fake ID or whatever i'm all "c u l8r. LOLz."

I was about to break up with my girlfriend when she lost her job. How do I get out of this without being a jerk?

Why do I think this is funny? I guess because you are so totally screwed. Why did you wait to break up with her? I bet you waited awhile, being all cowardly about it, drawing it out for this poor girl... well, you can wait awhile longer. A few months or until she finds a job. Or, do what you need to do and fuck what people think/whether she loses her shit completely. Your decision.

just do it. pity dick is gross and mean.

Is there any way to tell if I'm good in bed?

You should hand out questionnaires after sex! Keep a stack of them on your nightstand; it will make you look like a sensitive stud. The first question can be whether you are good in bed. The rest can be about your pillow talk, d├ęcor, and wardrobe.

Or you could just, you know... ask. You might want to go about it a bit more delicately than, “Am I good in bed?” What happens when she says, “No.”? That will suck. And actually the “did you come?” question is kind of annoying, too, so don’t ask that. Do(es) your lover(s) seem into it? I mean, what are they doing? If they are looking over your shoulder, making unenthusiastic noises, and possibly mentally putting together a grocery list, you are probably bad in bed. If they appear to have electric currents running through their bodies, or they are creating little puddles on your bed, you are likely very good. If it’s somewhere in between, you can always ask if there’s anything else you can do, or ask her to show you how she gets herself off, or something. Then do what the lady says/does.

i already know i'm not great in bed. but what i lack in technique and enthusiasm (seriously, sex is fucking boring), i make up for in ambivalence. ie, a dude can do whatever he wants and in turn i will do whatever he wants. my perfect dude would be into partially-clothed mutual masturbation followed by a nap and then maybe a movie or something. so if your girl has an orgasm that doesn't seem fake, you're probably pretty okay. and if your girl starts shaking like an epileptic having a stroke and her jaw goes slack and she shits herself and starts screeching like an orangutan, you're probably KING DING-A-LING. and you should call me.

Is it possible for a woman to have an orgasm and not make that much noise?

Absolutely. Vocal theatrics are not my thing. Sometimes I moan a little bit or something, but I think it’s mostly my breathing that gives me away. I’m just not inspired to yell or scream in bed, and I’m not the type to put on a show. I don’t always completely trust really vocal lovers, either. The chick who lives above me has the EXACT same loud, escalating, “oh god” orgasm routine every time. Now, that sounds like faking to me.

the last time i made a noise louder than a whisper during intercourse helen let herself out of her crate and was like, "BITCH, i am trying to SLEEP." even when i get the vibrator out she's all, "could you hurry up with that goddamned jet engine? my soaps are on." i like dudes who say funny shit when they come. one of my old boyfriends used to scream "HERE COMES THE THUNDER" really loudly, and that made me laugh and laugh and laugh. i'm good for a warning shout, but all that gratuitous screaming is so fake and weird. plus, i refuse to cater to a man's ego. i like to say in a monotone, "great job, sir. i had an orgasm," then kick him the fuck out of my vagina.

My girlfriend has extremely hot friends, and we're going on a beach trip. I'm worried about getting an erection. Is there anything I can do to control it?

HAHAHAHA. Oh god. Is this a real thing? I have no idea because I do not have a penis. I also have no idea what to do about it, because I do not have a penis. Do men really get erections at the sight of “hot friends” in bikinis? Or is this guy just bragging about his girlfriend’s hot friends (which btw is pathetic)? Because if it if the former, my sense of pride at causing erections while naked or half-naked or gently stroking a man while fully clothed has just gone out the window. (Yes, I’m 30. Stop pretending you don’t still get a little thrilled each and every time some dude you’re with gets it up. And if it’s just me, shut up about it.)

2010 was the year of the semi-flaccid penis for me, so i'd be glad just to have a dude in my sightline with a hard dick. you dudes must be really stressed out or whatever. i need to call barack obama and tell him to fix this goddamned economy, because if i never heard "sorry, girl, i've got a lot on my mind" again it would be too fucking soon. why can't you kids maintain an erection? what, is eating pizza and watching MMA fights too emotionally taxing for you? why aren't your dicks working?

cocktail weenies aside, this is why i try to limit the number of hot broads i keep in my goddamned inner sanctum. and i FOR DAMN SURE wouldn't be taking these hoes on vacation. bitches is scandalous and dudes have no scruples. i take dudes i'm fucking to nursing homes and introduce those broads as my friends. you ain't trying to get with gertrude and ethel are you, homeboy? DIDN'T THINK SO. now pass me my cigarettes and my cribbage cards, shuffleboard is starting in the game room in ten minutes.

My girlfriend found out I earn way less than her. Now she insists on paying for everything. I don't want a sugar mama!

If I were you, I’d shut the hell up and enjoy the ride. Generosity is a lovely trait. And if I love someone, I want to share what I have with them. If what I have is oodles of cash, then dinner is on me. Also, take into consideration the fact that she may want to do things that she knows you cannot afford. She could either be an asshole and ask you to overextend yourself financially in order to date her, or she could just ease the stress for both of you and pay for stuff.

However, she should let you pay for things every once in awhile. Like, she gets dinner, you get drinks after dinner. If she keeps insisting on paying, just have a talk. Don’t be an asshole and say that it insults your manhood or some dumb man shit like that. Just be like, “Look, if a man paid for you all the time, wouldn’t it make you feel a little uncomfortable after awhile? I just want to pay sometimes."

man, i'm in love with this. i don't care how broke a dude is, but if he won't even meet me at a bar and offer to buy me a high life (or, at the very least, purchase his own high life) i get over him with a quickness. i don't know what the fuck is going on, but men nowadays are too complacent and okay with not being MEN. you can be a gentleman on a budget. i mean, COME ON. court a motherfucker! i don't have to go to morton's or alinea on a date. i like TACOS. and let's drop a couple truth bombs here: if you can't do that, if you can't buy a couple beers or a cheeseburger or starbucks, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING. because being nice isn't it. sorry to hurt your feelings, lovers. when i first started working at judy's and was being paid essentially in small change and doughnuts, I DID NOT DATE. because i couldn't afford to. women aren't excluded from this, either. if you don't even have laundry money in your bank account, you need to take down your profile. for cereal. this bitch wants to get shitfaced and go to metal shows, and you should put yourself in my friend zone if that's not something you can do. broke dudes are mucho boring.
A coworker started dating my ex and keeps asking me about her favorite this and that. Creepy, right? Is there a nice way to tell him to shut it?

I don’t really think you have to be that nice to the dude who decided to date your ex. I would start lying to him. Tell him that her favorite movie is some Vin Diesel piece of trash, that she loves a man’s natural musk so he should stop wearing deodorant, and any other lame and stupid lie you can come up with. Obviously if he has a brain, he’ll catch on early and realize that he’s being a real weirdo with these questions. Or maybe he’s an idiot and you will successfully ruin their relationship. I mean, he’s totally cheating here. You are supposed to figure out this shit on your own by listening to your girlfriend speak. I know some men hate to do that, but society is set up so that we all actually have to listen to the inane bullshit that the person we are banging spits out. (Men are boring, too.)

I WOULD HANNIBAL LECTER THAT DUDE, omg. what's hilarious though is that dudes are so fucking cavalier about women that not only do they 1 have the unadulterated gall to ASK HER COWORKER EX if she takes it up the dirt star but 2 said coworker writes to a MAGAZINE TO ASK HOW TO TELL HIM NICELY THAT HE'S A BAG OF SHIT. what the fuck.
true story: i went to the morseland on halloween dressed as samantha irby, and i went to the bar to do a couple shots before closing out my tab. well well well, someone stupid i used to date was sitting at the bar with his new girlfriend. oh good for them. i flipped him off before signaling for the bartender to refill my empty glass, fully prepared to MIND MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. i'm really good at that. so dude comes over and says, "hey baby, you look good." instead of responding i turned to his woman: "your pig got loose. come get him. TWO VODKAS, PLEASE," i shouted at aaron. i hate when the bar is fucking busy. BLARF. this asshole excused himself to go to the bathroom, and it wasn't ten seconds before that bitch apparated at my side. "so you and [garbage face dirtbag shithead] used to date?" she asked, pretending to be sweet. "if you want to call it that." (vodka one.) sheepish giggle from her. "any advice? i mean, girlfriend to girlfriend?" (VODKA TWO.) "uh, that dude likes to touch little kids. he's totally on the registered sex offender list. GIRLFRIEND TO GIRLFRIEND."

and then i left, because fuck halloween. and fuck his stupid girlfriend. two days later i got a text from a number i sorta kinda recognized. "thanx for braking up my realtionship asshole. real matture to make shit up." ahahahahaha ahahaha ahahahahahahaha ahahahaha go fuck yourself, dickballs.
I was in the shower and my girlfriend came in and used the bathroom. I'm not quite ready for that level of intimacy. How can I tell her?

Gross. I would never do this unless it was a major emergency, and even then, I’d enter screaming “EMERGENCY! I AM SO SORRY BUT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!” And you’d have to accept it because you surely don’t want to date a pee-pants.

Why do people think that just because someone gets naked with them for sex, it’s appropriate to share bathroom time? I will never be that wife who leaves the bathroom door open so I can continue a conversation with my husband. Bathroom time is private time. Didn’t we all learn this when we were, like, five?

In the future, lock the bathroom door. She'll get the hint.

unless she barged in and took a huge smelly shit, you are an asshole. dudes in my life have to get immediately comfortable with shit like depends and bloody gauze pads and asshole surgeries and splatterhea 100% of the time, and i will be damned all the way to hell if a single one of them has ever deigned to raise a complaint. i wish a motherfucker would. you better act like bringing me magazines on the toilet is what you were born to do, otherwise you can get the fuck out of my house. seriously dude, a little tinkle never hurt nobody. not that i oftren take a shit with an audience, because i would never let a dude in my shower. they're messy, and they leave beard stubble all over my pristine fucking shower curtain and pubes stuck to my french-milled almond soap bar. ew. and i don't want to spend an entire day smelling like balls and old spice, so i refuse to bathe at a dude's house. unless it's an emergency. like I SHIT MYSELF BECAUSE THAT ASSHOLE LOCKED THE GODDAMNED BATHROOM DOOR.