Tuesday, May 17, 2011

standardized testing.

"all of the single men are gay, right?" that was the query ginger posed to me one night after a dude on the internet solicited her to join him and his wife in an ongoing sexual relationship. an arrangement his wife sanctioned, according to him. a few weeks prior i received a swooning email from some married fanboy who reads my blog and thinks i'm awesome, and in the correspondence that began subsequent to all that invigorating hero worship (i am a raging egomaniac, NOT KIDDING) i soon discovered that he was unhappily married and looking for a sexy and irreverent distraction from his life at home. a distraction that involved boring me with his marital problems and regrets while NOT buying me dinner. wait, WHAT? why would my single, childless, fabulous ass want any part of that?!
i wonder if people ever really think about what they're asking of another person. because that dude's thought process should've gone a little something like this: "goddamn, this bitch is hilarious. i'd like to get to know her as a person. maybe i should engage her in a conversation that will go absolutely nowhere because i'd like to honor my vows? it's selfish to waste a person's time when i've read two years' worth of entries about how she has neither the time nor patience to listen to some stupid dude. and my wife would probably bristle at my incessant texting and email pursuit of my new female BFF before proceeding to spend a saturday night calling and hanging up on said innocent woman's voicemail who didn't ask for any of this drama and never sent me a single dirty message. sam really does seem awesome, though. i guess i'll just wait for the next post."

OMG, FRIENDS. i knew it the minute my phone rang more than once in a matter of minutes. very few people call me because i refuse to ever answer the phone, and i was in the bathroom last saturday night gilding the lily before my lady date with my sister and i heard the little bells twinkling in the other room and thought, "fuck that shit. it's probably just some asshole," and continued with my mascara. then i heard it again and i paused mid-swipe. who would dare to call me twice in a row?! the number i failed to recognize was calling again ten minutes later, and this time i answered, "who the fuck are you looking for?" click. the calling continued sporadically over the course of the evening, so i saved her in my phone as "stalker face" and chuckled over my mojitos at the bar with carmen. then when i was good and drunk at three in the morning i called back so many times that she finally stopped sending me to voicemail and turned her phone off. we live in a reverse lookup kind of world, bitch. *67 YOUR SHIT.

ginger and i wound up at a swingers party on the south side this weekend, an event whose sole purpose for existence is either "i'm tired of fucking my wife and she's okay watching me fuck you" or "i'm tired of fucking my husband and he's cool jerking off while i love up another woman." this is where it's at now, huh? secret internet friends and random partner swappage? remember that whole you're obviously jealous of my relationship thing? yeah, NEITHER DO I.

i was talking to elisse the other day about a bunch of dumb girl shit, and once the conversation steered around toward hot sex with other humans (doesn't it always?) she made this stunning proclamation, "i'm happy in a relationship as long as whomever i'm with meets at least 7 of my 10 requirements." i was shocked. she has a LIST? and there are TEN THINGS ON IT?! seriousface, that is just so coordinated and grown up. i was in awe. i can't even be bothered to make a proper grocery list, let alone have the wherewithall to sit down and think about what i really and truly need from another person. i'm such a fucking kid that i had to stop myself from demanding to know what was on it, if for no other reason than to use it as an outline and style guide for coming up with one of my own. she seemed equally surprised that i have no such document, no carefully thought out assessment of myself and my interpersonal goals.

how does one implement that into her sex life, i wonder? do you just show up at dinner and pull it out of your purse after the salad course? (DUDES WHO EAT SALAD are most certainly not on my list.) or is there a less obvious way, like asking leading questions and making mental note of the answers? let's say "nurturing and emotionally available" (big time gross) is one of your requirements: how would you go about finding that out? walk around licking light posts and see if he takes the day off work to bring you soup when you come down with the flu? (or hepatitis?) tell him about your dog dying to see if he sheds some sympathy tears? i also need to know if some things should carry more weight than others, like what if i meet a person who can put ikea furniture together (on my list FOR SURE) but he or she has terrible taste in music? i could live without a JINDRALBORSK dining table and GRAFLAKHAMM dish rack (omg, could i?!), but can i really spend the rest of my goddamned life LISTENING TO MAROON 5?!

and i'm the kind of person for whom the little things DEFINITELY matter. i don't care about a person's ambition, but i simply COULD NOT fuck someone who doesn't know how to drive a car. i met a dude years ago who admitted that at thirty-seven he had never learned to drive a goddamned car, and i immediately shook his hand and migrated to the other side of the bar. what the fuck are you, amish? you seriously can't drive a car?! so that's pretty fucking stupid, and no i wouldn't turn down the sexiest slab of independently wealthy grade A beef i'd ever seen just because he doesn't know how to operate a gearshift, but i would have serious reservations. SERIOUSLY. that kind of little shit is for real. people in relationships start hating each other over unwashed dishes and maxed out credit cards, not existentialist debates. how often do you hear a broad say "i broke up with tom because his views on hierarchical binaries and the gendered structure of capitalism are in direct opposition to mine." goddamned never. bitches is all, "i dumped tom because he never put his shoes away and he was always texting some other bitch late at night. and he could never pay for his own fucking beer."

but people will look at you crazy if you say, "can buy his own alcohol" is on your list. (it's on my fucking list.) whooooooooooo cares about your politics as long as you shut up about them, i just don't want to have to hang out with your parents. sounds trivial, but "won't make me hang out with the family" is pretty high on the goddamned list. i need to stop fucking around and get some interweb architect to help me found iwanttobanganorphan.com, but people are DISGUSTING and i'm sure i'd end up on some sort of predator list. the minute some dude starts telling me about his mom i immediately tell him that mine is dead, because for some dumb reason people with living parents feel crazy guilty and they spare me all the small talk about mom's latest book club selection and how dad shot 9 under par today. boring. and i'm not trying to hear that shit.

so i pretended to be a fully functioning adult for five minutes and thoughtfully wrote an outline of my ideal person the other night during the commercials of WWE monday night raw. it's neither age- nor gender-specific, because at this point i don't care what package it comes in, i just need someone around who remembers that i like cadbury mini eggs who will feed the cat for me for free when i'm out of town. and i really committed, i promise i did. i wore my glasses and everything.

1 smart, but not too smart. i don't like explaining elemental things to grown people, so i am loathe to date anyone i can tell is a moron if i can help it. this is where online dating is a total win, as a message that reads "your interesting i thot ur profile was hilariyes" is a dead giveaway of a lack of intelligence and you can just block that asshole and go on about your internet business. conversely, if i need a thesaurus to translate your introductory email i'm on high alert because a you might be smarter than i am and i feel threatened by that or b you typed every other word into thesaurus.com to make yourself sound smarter or c you are from africa. i like dudes who read books and can make conversation with my friends who went to college. i'm not a genius, but i supplement my lack of conventional knowledge with a healthy dose of humor, so people rarely notice that i don't know the meaning of the word "propaganda." yes, i do.

2 funny, but not too funny. "funny couples" are goddamned exhausting to be around. totally the fucking WORST. you know the ones, always trying to one-up the other and see who can get more laughs. meanwhile neither of them is succeeding nearly as much as he thinks he is. even if they're both naturally hilarious individually, when you're out to dinner with them you just want them to SHUT THE FUCK UP so you can enjoy your scalloped potatoes. dudes are the worst at this, as every one i've dated with the tiniest amount of comedy marrow in his funny bone always tried to prove to anyone within earshot that he could make people laugh harder than i could. well maybe, NOT REALLY, but i've completely lost the desire to fuck you, so who's laughing now?!

3 fair to middling looks. it's hard to keep super hot people fully engaged, and everyone else on the planet is trying to get at them the minute your back is turned. and competition is weak. i can't be sitting up all night praying you wore a bag over your head to the club so no one would notice you. plus, legitimately attractive people rarely work at becoming well-rounded and interesting, and i ain't got patience for that. it's enough for me just not to be repulsed. i don't need no beauty queens, i'm perfectly happy with the tenth of twelfth runners up.

4 laid-back and easygoing. in the cyber dating world i'm pretty sure this is a euphemism for "stoner" when people are too chickenshit to write "420-friendly," but in my case it means i would like to be the only one privy to panic attacks and fits of hysteria. i don't really ever freak out, but i am most certainly not a caregiver; i'll pay someone to soothe you and bring you soup because i'm too busy over here trying to find someone to do that shit for ME. calm, steady people are ridiculously attractive; high-strung freaking out is moist.

5 gross animal person. i totally understand that some people like clean white pants. i could never be one of those people, because i live with a smelly black cat who sleeps on every fancy outfit i ever lay out. and i use feline pine, which makes your house smell like the forest hansel and gretel got lost in.

6 killer taste in music. this goes without saying, but if you want to bang me you've gotta go to rock shows. and you don't have to come by your good music taste organically; i am totally willing to make you some mixes. but if you like freeform modern jazz and freeform modern jazz ONLY, let's stop talking to one another. and i'm not so close-minded that i won't begrudgingly listen to suggestion, but i am super judgmental and will disqualify your expertise the minute i see something questionable on your ipod. i would fist fight over a shitty pop song. just saying.

7 okay with separate living arrangements. geno is convinced that i will never make this a reality with another sentient being, but i am 100% sure that i am just ahead of the curve and that couples in 2037 will totally be married yet live on opposite sides of town. i really think it's worth the experiment at the very least. i said life's about the little things, right? well what if you could remove some of those little things from the equation? imagine, how much more would i love you if i never ever EVER had to pull your hairs out of the clogged drain? if your alarm wasn't waking me up three whole hours before i have to start my day? if i never tripped over your cell phone charger? if the amount of orange juice i left in the carton WAS AT THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AS IT WAS THE LAST TIME I USED IT?! in most cases people don't really change so drastically that the person you woke up next to this morning is unrecognizable in comparison to the one you married, but this incarnation certainly does nag you about the messy garage a fuck of a lot more. don't you think if we could eliminate the bulk of life's teeny tiny little irritants that we'd all be so much happier? i am determined to find out, right after i wipe this toothpaste residue and beard stubble out of the bathroom sink.

8 not too athletic and not super amazing at sex. this should go without saying, but people who push the boundaries in bed are people who are going to be bored shitless fucking you after a few years. and i don't need that kind of stress and anxiety; life is hard ENOUGH. you mean i have to work and think of new ways to get you off?! no, thank you, i have television programs to watch. and active people always want you to scale that rock wall and run that 5k with them, and i'm not doing any of that. i'm good for 1/2 an hour on the treadmill at a relaxed pace and maybe some circuit training followed by ten minutes of free weights (MAYBE, i said), so if you need more than that you gotta go fuck an american gladiator and leave me to my ice cream and fried chickens.

9 interesting hobbies. not because i want to join in, BLARF, but because i need someone who can entertain herself. leave me alone for a goddamned minute.
10 good liar. too much honesty is hurtful and boring, especially when we arrive at the truth because of a TERRIBLY UNCONVINCING LIE. i'm a fantastic liar, and that spares the hurt feelings of all of my loverfriends. bad liars fuck shit up. make it believeable so i don't have to cry so much, dudes. you live and you learn, right? and basically all this living has taught me is how to appreciate a person who can say, "no, i was at the LAUNDROMAT" with a straight face when i suspect he's been softening some other bitch's sheets.

11 stable. so i don't really care about jobs, so long as you have one and it is enough to provide your basic needs. if it isn't, you should get a second one. i know women who say they need to be with doctors or corporate lawyers or whatever, and good luck with that. i just don't believe in sharing, and i don't want to hear about how you can't pay your phone bill. but money doesn't really matter when you have your own bank account and live in the building across the street from mine, just don't ask me to pick up the check more than twice in a row. i mean, COME ON. this girl has standards!

12 mute. DUH.

13 orphaned. now i wouldn't wish death on anyone's family outright, so i'd be willing to accept "poor relationship with mother" or "moved here from texas and hates going back to visit. i got an okcupid message the other day from a dude who said he was looking for someone "family-oriented," and i know it's against the vagina laws to admit it, but that is NOT ME. i would feed a kid a steady diet of oreos and cheap beer and bacon just to shut it up, and there are only so many minutes of the day that i can make polite small talk with your mother. i'm charming as shit, just ask any of my friends' parents, but that runs out FAST. and then it's all testicles and cursing and talking shit about people we pass on the street. in other words, i won't be invited back. and i could never return that particular favor, which irritates me. i want my mom to criticize your shitty tattoos, too! hmph.