Friday, August 24, 2012

miss manners.

i am going to a formal dinner. how do i know which utensil to use for which course?

HOT DAMN, YOU BITCHES IS FANCY. i am obviously going to the wrong goddamned parties, unless there is such a thing as a "dorito fork" or "miller high life" goblet. i have been to a handful of super formal dinners in my lifetime, and i was too preoccupied with trying not to wear the wrong shit to even give half a thought to table service. as a general rule, though, aren't you supposed to work your way from the outside in? or, failing that, just remember to use the small fork for salad. and that the big spoon is for soup. GAH, whoever wants to be eating public soup at a formal fucking dinner? scalding hot broth served in a flat bowl that is impolite to pick up and hold directly under your chin is easily the grossest shit ever. last night at dinner i ordered some lobster bisque, and after two embarrassingly loud slurps and an awkward spillage into my titty cleave i said fuck it and ladled that shit directly from the bowl into my facehole. maybe you should just stay home. dinner is so goddamned confusing.

how can i get my boyfriend to go down on me more often?

did you know that some dudes really think that eating a woman out is, like, a special treat or some shit? like, "that's how you know i really like you, because i ate your pussy." oh, word? GEE THANKS, SON. i always wanted a present that was totally useless even when i give it explicit instructions. hooray!

man, i do not like being eaten out. i get it, and i get why you broads like it, but i am not into that shit in the least bit. there are other places you could be putting your goddamned teeth, sir. BUT. i require that shit, because 1 i like to be in charge sometimes and 2 i deserve to lie back and laugh to myself while some dude throws his back out trying to turn his head and tongue into a hitachi magic wand. i'm not shy about how much i enjoy being bossed around, but the best feeling ever is directing some jerk who doesn't want to to put his mouth on your butthole. which is why you should just come right out and say, "DUDE, YOU NEED TO GO DOWN ON ME MORE OFTEN." how else do you expect to bust that face nut? silent mouths don't get fed, sister. you need to say what you want and refuse to do anything else until you get it. put on a chastity belt and tell him that saliva is the only way to remove that bad girl.

or you could just hide the television remote in there. he'll go looking for it eventually.

i know it's irrational, but i still sometimes envy my supermodel-like gorgeous best friend. how do i stop comparing myself?

is she stupid? because there's always that. this is why i surround myself with regular broads who have obvious flaws. who has time to be standing off to the side turning everyone who dares make eye contact with you into a pillar of salt while this tyra banks knockoff-looking motherfucker collects the phone numbers of every handsome dude in the goddamned room? FUCK THAT. i like bitches who look like they take the motherfucking bus: salty, tired assholes with saddlebags and shitty dispositions. if you see me roll into a spot accompanied by a hot girl you bet your sweet ass that PYT is a B-I-T-C-H. or she's dyslexic. that way, when a dude approaches her at the disco and she starts talking about coloring books and stickers while i just happen to be casually thumbing through the latest issue of the atlantic monthly and sipping on some shit this dummy can't pronounce. how could he resist?!

seriously, though, that girl probably has "call me maybe" on her ipod. i wouldn't sweat it. and if all else fails: battery acid. right in that gorgeous face. you're welcome.

do guys instinctively know whether a girl will take it in the pooper?

i'm a total party in bed. probably because i don't give a fuck about anything, which frees up a lot of inhibition. i tend to shy away from anything too messy or excruciatingly painful, but other than that? GAME ON. this is a ridiculous question, because unless you're that one girl who got a tattoo on her asshole, "instinctively" knowing something about someone's sexuality is not a real goddamned thing. also, it sounds a little rape-y. so what you're really asking is, "do i seem slutty to dudes when they first meet me?"

and the answer is: PROBABLY. but aren't we all?! every man i know has a different definition for how much fucking is too much fucking when it comes to a woman, which is why you totally shouldn't care. not even a little bit. and a man would fuck a dog in the asshole if he wasn't worried that if he did sarah mclachlan and the aspca were going to kick his door in threatening to put him wherever michael vick had to go. every single dude i have ever banged in the history of my sex life has done that thing where he sticks it in my asshole during sex and does the lean to the left to see if i'm crying or getting an attitude and, when i don't, continues to pound away while crying tears of joy into his beard. so if you take it up the ass and are worried about looking like a slut, don't. dudes just want to fuck you in the butt. they don't care how or why, they don't care when or where, they don't care if it's your 1st time or your 1001st time, they don't even care if you shit on their nuts a little bit, DUDES JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU IN THE BUTT.

i noticed a toothbrush in the guest bathroom at my boyfriend's house. should i ask him whose it is? or should i not bring it up?

OH MAN. i saw there was an article on the hairpin or the frisky today entitled something like, "dudes need to learn how to girl-proof their apartments," and i skipped it because this is the kind of thing that makes me so uncomfortable i want to die. here is my general rule: when you are at a dude's house, NEVER LOOK AT ANYTHING. seriously, i just try to look at my hands or my phone or a magazine or the television, anything other than letting your eyes linger on that stack of mail on the coffee table or that pile of junk on the dresser. i am 100% not a snooper, and i'm not just saying that so that i sound cool. whenever you go looking you are going to find something, and that something is going to be totally confusing and HURT YOUR GODDAMNED FEELINGS. so avert your goddamned gaze girl, and hope like hell he just thinks you're demure. i like to tell dudes that i have a lazy eye when they catch me standing in a corner staring down at my shoes. works like magic.

is there a way for me not to feel ashamed after masturbating?


i'm seventeen and i haven't had a boyfriend yet and all of my friends have. a guy hasn't even shown a slight interest in me. it makes me feel really bad about myself and i want to know why it's happened for all of them and not me.

when i was a kid, i thought no one would ever want to have sex with me. because i grew up in caucasia twenty years before there were all these fat, attractive bitches on tv who made it okay to have dumps like a truck truck truck. and these prepubescent white boys were not even having it with me. not even a little bit. but then i turned eighteen and moved away and decided to take control of my vagina. and my thighs like what what what. so wait a year. then do that.

what does it mean when your date does not kiss you goodnight but then asks you out on another date?

apparently, that he likes you. or something like that. guess what i recently found out about myself? I KISS TOO SOON. who even knew that was a thing?! after our first date a few months ago, which i was pretty sure was indeed A DATE and not A PLATONIC BRO HANG, i turned to homie and was like, "can i kiss you goodnight?" and then he said yes and i did. and we immediately made plans to go out again the next week. i thought i was batting a fucking thousand. then i got text-dumped, which was stupid and weird, and then kind of un-dumped. (are you following that? this is more confusing than the goddamned SAT.) anyway, we were poking each other with sticks and lighting each other's hair on fire and other fun things last weekend when he informed me that it had worried him that i was "moving too fast" because i kissed him that first night. which i'm pretty sure is not a real thing, but let's go with it. he obviously doesn't know any dirtbags, because all my whorey friends would get donkey punched on the first fucking date, so some closed-mouthed post-dinner smooching pretty much makes me a goddamned nun.

is this a sign of the chastening of america? are men really wanting a woman who will bat her eyelashes and swoon when what she really wants to do is force her tongue down his throat and into his stomach? but if we go this goddamned slow, HOW WILL WE EVER GET TO THE BUTTSEX?!!?!?!