Thursday, April 18, 2013

new sex rules for 2013.

i'm celibate, bro. seven months and counting, with no plans to change that anytime soon. sex is boring and i want all the other shit. sure sure, prince charming is somewhere out there just waiting to clear the cobwebs out of this dank attic and tear through my regenerated hymen. but he is for real going to have to ride up to my doorstep on a unicorn with a cheeseburger in each pocket for me to even bother checking his texts. dude, FUCK SEX. but, since the rest of you insist on mashing your moist, slimy genitals together:

1 create some motherfucking ambiance. oh, i know. all you need is a half-inflated air mattress and a quiet corner of an abandoned warehouse to get your dick hard, sir. and that's cool, but i'm  not seventeen anymore. i'ma need some soft lighting and a spotify mix called "bedroom jamz" or an old jodeci cd on repeat or some shit. i need clean sheets and a pillow to support my head. you kids can have sex on park benches and the folding table at the laundromat, but after a certain age the mood and the surroundings have to be right. want to know where i lost my virginity? ON A WASHING MACHINE IN THE BASEMENT OF MY SISTER'S APARTMENT BUILDING. twenty years ago that was an acceptable circumstance for me. but i have arthritis now, homie. i'ma need you to have a nightstand i can leave my water bottle, potassium supplements, icy hot, prune juice, orthotic inserts, reverse mortgage paperwork, reader's digest, worn cardigan sweater, and room temperature soup on. 

2 let's make on-top-of-clothes sex a real thing finally. i'm so fucking lazy. if i ever have sex again the only position i ever want to do it in is this one i read in cosmo called "saucy spoons." erotic instructions: lie on your sides with him behind you so you’re both facing the same direction. push your butt toward him as he enters you. put your hand on his and show him how you want your clitoris to be touched. have him alternate between there and your breasts. THIS SOUNDS PERFECT. if a dude would agree to only fuck me this way while i 1 read my kindle and 2 just pull my nightgown up around my waist i will marry him. real talk. submit your applications, gentlemen.

3 we need to figure out if multiple orgasms are an actual thing or if you bitches are just lying to make the rest of us feel like shit. WHO IS HAVING MULTIPLE ORGASMS? please, tell me. can you call me on the phone so we can talk about it? overshare of the century: here is how my vagina experiences an orgasm: 1 SPLASH 2 shamefeelings because this premarital sex has disappointed baby jesus 3 swollen vulva so sensitive to the touch that if a breeze blows over it i double over in agony 4 zzZzZzz! i was obviously meant to have a penis.

my friend jessica taught me this new way to masturbate that involves sticking a skinny vibrator in either your babychute or your doodyhole while you use a giant vibrator on your clit to create THE GREATEST ORGASM ANYBODY EVER HAD. the minute she told me i shouted, "I AM GOING TO TRY TO COME TWICE IN ONE SITTING!" at the computer screen while clapping like a little girl. i walked home with a spring in my step, ready to give it a whirl. i was irritated immediately. first of all, the logistics of this shit: like i said, i am hella lazy, and i usually keep the hitachi plugged into the outlet in the bathroom so that i don't have to go looking for it when i finish peeing. gross, but true. and i didn't want to risk dropping that expensive-ass lelo in the goddamned toilet while trying to get situated, so then i had to figure out a good spot to do it, which made me feel like a total fucking creep. i was, like, testing surfaces and shit. okay, anyway, i decided that the corner of the bed would be the most practical. then i removed my pants.

i turned the lelo on and stuck it in my vagina, but it fell out immediately because my lazy pussyhole isn't a motherfucking team player. insert #2 went a little bit smoother, and i used every ounce of strength i had in me to tighten my kegels around that humming silicone shaft. but then i couldn't get my other vibrator working and as soon i starting fiddling with it i lost my concentration and the lelo clattered to the hardwood floor and rattled into the other room rattling like a fucking lawn mower. so then i wedged the lelo into my butthole, where it remained perfectly, but that prevented me from sitting. standing upright prevented my properly reaching my clitoris. so then, like a fucking asshole, i did a captain morgan one leg up pose on the corner of the bed. with a vibrator shoved in my asshole. trying to adjust the settings was as hilarious/humiliating as you can imagine. after four minutes of awkwardly hovering at the side of my bed with the dull roar of two vibrating sex toys jammed into my sex places i realized that i'd forgotten the porn and all i could imagine was watching my high school history teacher jerking off and that was too gross and inappropriate even for me. i sort of came once, but it was a weak one at best, and not the six times i had been hoping for. i need you girls to 1 TRY THIS AT HOME AND REPORT BACK and 2 skpye me in if you really are having 37 for real orgasms in one session. that shit has to look amazing.

4 i want to see a real couple show me how shower sex works. and when i say "real couple" i mean "fat people who have coffin-sized bathrooms." i was on the 66 bus the other day and this woman was shouting, on speakerphone, to her homegirl about the epic shower sex she and her boo had engaged in the night before. the gentleman across from me raised an eyebrow over the newspaper he was pretending to read and my look back said, "aw yeah, you fine piece of hot, smoldering sex. we should totally try that sometime." horrified, he blanched and jumped off the bus before it had even come to a complete stop. fine, i have terrible gaydar, whatever. ANYWAY, i have tried to have shower sex on three separate occasions with three different people, and every single time i either 1 ended up shivering like an asshole at the back of the shower with cold soap bubbles congealing in my crease meat or 2 abandoned the sex to really try to enjoy that motherfucking shower. the first time was in this swanky hotel that had a waterfall shower and bliss products on the sink! i lathered up that lemon and sage soapy sap and stood under that warm, steamy spray and was like, "PUT YOUR DICK AWAY, BRO." nothing like an erection to ruin my calgon moment. the first time was after that golden shower incident that went so terribly awry, and i was too busy trying not to vomit my own urine to bother with p in v. 

and the third time dude slipped and broke his left arm during the fall and almost tore my right nipple off on the way down. i'ma need ol' girl to send me a copy of her sex tape. like, right now. seeing is believing.

5 butt plugs. GIMME SOME ASS. sorry in advance, future partners, but i have had all of the non-reciprocal anal sex i am ever going to have. sucks to be you, but you should've met me when i was in high school. those days are over, homey. if you want me to shit on your dick then you have to let me peg you or use a butt plug or something. i dated this really progressive (snort) dude a few years ago who begged for a little prostate action every single time we banged it out. like, dude would be on his knees before i could even get my powderless surgical glove on. i would lube up my pointer finger and curve it to the right and then BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE. seriously. i had to wear protective goggles. it was like working near a goddamned geyser. i had to brace myself against the dresser every time he busted a nut, bro. anyway, after that i didn't even care what dude wanted from me. he could've poked my eye out and put his dick in the empty socket and i would've been like, "well, okay." and i know that shit is moist. i swear i do. but prostate milking is SO HOT that i almost forgot this dude also wore pink dress shirts and sometimes a fedora. 

so if you're going to let someone dig around in your backyard, i found some internet sex help to keep you from catching e.coli or some other disgusting shit: unlike the vagina, the anus is not super-elastic or self-lubricating. therefore, to enjoy anal sex, you need to take it really slowly and use plenty of water-based lubricant. "enjoy" is a motherfucking stretch. try "tolerate." since your butt is not used to having objects inserted into it, the sphincter muscles, which encircle the anal opening, will automatically clench when you try to penetrate it. so, you have to learn to relax them. have your guy get you nice and worked up with your favorite form of foreplay and then delicately massage the outer rim of the opening. try not to shit on his hand. when you're ready, have him slowly slip his finger in, only as far as is comfortable. just stick with this for several sessions, until you are able to let his finger in with little resistance or tension. then, if you don't feel you're ready to jump from a finger to a penis, graduate to an in-between-sized sex toy specifically designed for up-the-butt action. the skinnier the plug, the better. and make sure it has a end piece so it doesn't get swallowed by your buttmouth and end up perforating your large bowel.

REMEMBER: anything that's been in the anus, your fingers/a penis/cucumber, needs to be washed with soap and water before putting it in the vagina to avoid spreading bacteria and causing an infection. if you used a condom, replace it with a new one. if you didn't use a motherfucking condom, GO GET AN HIV TEST. this isn't the fucking 70s, hooker. it's 2013. wrap that shit up, b.

buy my book, baby.