Tuesday, May 12, 2015

spring beauty tips for the gross and apprehensive.

i gotta stay the fuck off youtube. can we talk about how many LITERAL HOURS i have wasted transfixed by beautiful, expertly-glossed 23-year-olds in their softly-lit powder rooms, smiling with all of their teeth while putting on seven different layers of eyeshadow to achieve a "natural, everyday look?" makeup tutorials are like fucking hypnosis, man. i could be lulled into a stupor watching nicole guerriero and jaclyn hill talk about eyelash glue for days, yet i will never buy or apply any of my own because i'm really fucking impatient and allergic to almost everything that goes around your eyeballs. am i the only asshole sitting inside on a sunny day listening to a bitch talk about hydrating neck creams while everyone else is out enjoying being a person!? I CAN'T BE ALONE IN THIS. a month ago i had no idea youtube could be used for anything other than cat videos and drake songs, and now i'm subscribed to, like, twelve beauty channels. because i'd rather watch tiarra monet describe how to apply a sun-kissed glow (never doing that) than leave my apartment to actually get one (really never doing that). anyway, here's a list of super expensive shit i bought out of shame or desperation or some incorrect attempt at self-care that i will likely never use and definitely throw away in a fit of rage sometime in the near future. enjoy.

my gross ass skin is going positively apeshit lately. it's red and peeling and awful and i want the glowing baby butt cheeks of my youth back, goddamn it. i used to think that "changing mature skin" was some sorcery dreamed up by the faceless demon overlords who run cosmetics companies, but there might actually be something to that horrible shit. i bought every single cerave cleanser and moisturizer i could find on drugstore.com because my friend jessie swears by them, but i really think i might be going through early menopause or something because my face is finicky and irritated and it's never been like that before, even when i was eating fritos every night for dinner and never drank water. I HAVE HAD BRUSSELS SPROUTS THREE TIMES THIS WEEK, SKIN. what the fuck. then i read about almond oil cleansing so now i'm doing that. basically you rub your face with almond oil (i bought this one from life flo but who cares), rinse with lukewarm water, swipe thayers cucumber witch hazel over your face and neck, then rub some more almond oil into your skin. i can't decide whether or not i hate it. i'll report back.

i fucking forgot that i even bought the philosophy purity made simple oil cleanser, but i'm going to give this almond business a couple weeks and see how it goes. i still like an occasional scrub, and i rotate between lush dark angels and lush herbalism depending on my mood. i'm also a big fan of disposable cleansing cloths, because i'm lazy and hate getting up to wash my face when i inevitably fall asleep with makeup on at 730 and wake up in a panic at midnight. my new jams are the ole henriksen grease relief oil-free pore refining cloths, which i keep right next to the bed because i am not kidding I AM NOT GETTING UP. they smell sort of oddly medicinal but these bitches workkkkkkk. i bought glamglow supermud because keila uses it and i wanna be her, and also because bitches talk about that shit like it gives you a whole new face. so i bought it and watched a tutorial (guys i need a hobby) and i used it but the whole time it was drying to an asphalt-like finish on my face while i sat very still trying not to ruin my shirt i was wishing i had just used some noxzema instead.

foundation feels like too much work, especially to a person who works with dogs and cats all day. but i enjoy feeling like a fancy lady sometimes, and what better way than slathering some off-colored greasepaint onto my oily, scratched up, rapidly aging visage? i learned from the internet that first you gotta spackle on some primer, and the cheap one i like best is the nyx pore filler and my fave expensive jawn is the make up for ever step 1 hydrating primer. let's be honest: i don't have a clue whether or not these actually work. but they feel nice on my skin and everyone says you need to use them so shut up and do it. i have hella walgreens points, so i used a ton of them to buy a bunch of liquid foundations to play with. i got l'oreal true match because that's the one beyonce wears duh; maybelline fit me matte poreless because you could for real dip your toes in the pores around my nose; and l'oreal infallible because, again, i'm a helpless sheep who sits nodding at my computer screen while writing down everything a twelve-year-old sitting in her bathroom with a video camera tells me to buy. i think i like the true match the best? but then again the infallible is smooth and velvety and seriously i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. i let a sephora salesgirl pressure me into this bottle of nars sheer glow foundation back in september, and it's probably the wrong color and i bet i'm not even putting it on right but i'm using every last drop because it was forty-five real dollars and LOL THIS IS WHY I HAVE NO SAVINGS. the truth is that i don't really like any of these hoes and keep going back to my first wife mac studiofix because i hate looking like a wet, patchy wax figure and who are we kidding i put base on maybe once a week and that's only if some asshole is aiming an iphone camera in my general direction.

i am obsessed with anastasia liquid lipsticks. i know bone dry baby powder lips aren't for everyone (WHY THE FUCK NOT THEY LOOK AMAZING) but these anastasias are the holy grail of lips you can't drink or speak or eat a motherfucking thing in. my lips are starting to get all elderly and creased so the clock is ticking on how long i can get away with wearing these without looking like the joker, but i am in love with them. buy all of the colors. so fucking good. also amazing: too faced melted lipsticks. the polar opposite of that dry-ass shit i usually wear (ruby woo! flat out fabulous!), these are like wearing liquid vinyl on your lips. don't wear it if you are wearing white or have to engage in conversation, though, because you are going to look like a bloody savage if you say hello to someone. no bullshit, if you so much as smile your entire teeth will be covered in streaky redness. but, as is my way, i bought all this new shit and still either use 1 ruby woo or 2 nothing but chapstick. are there any financial advisers reading this shit who want to give me some real talk about what my savings portfolio could look like if i bought stocks instead of orange lipsticks i for real am never going to wear!? (whyyyyyy do i keep purchasing them!?) email me, i'm not kidding.

leaves. i have an awful lot of hair shit for someone with less than 1/2 an inch of it. (update: i recently shaved my head because it's about to be hot and my scalp is vile.) first on the agenda, BLACK GIRLS WITH GROSS SCALPS LISTEN UP, MY QUEENS: head and shoulders moisture care co-wash is now a thing. somebody's auntie must've gotten a promotion at procter and gamble, because finally these dudes came out with some shit for "textured hair." i was just about to reach for a bottle of my tried and true 2in1 dry scalp care while waiting for the pharmacist to fill my ativan at cvs when my eyes landed on a new player in the "what's that flaky stuff in your eyebrows?" game in the shampoo aisle. "HEY SISTA!" the glistening coconuts shouted to me from the bronze foil-embossed bottle that indicates a product is made specifically for african-americans. "WE UNDERSTAND YOUR COMPLICATED CURL PATTERN! WE, TOO, HAVE SICKLE-CELL TRAIT." i snatched it up immediately. but i like options when blindly groping around my shower at six in the morning and, as we have previously discussed, my quest for the perfect hair product is a dream that will never die. so i also keep a bottle of aveda shampure + conditioner around, as well as some jason dandruff relief because i'm a sucker for hippie shit and feel bad that i don't recycle as much as i could. 

so i rolled up in the salon a couple weeks ago with a scaly, oozing patch of skin on the side of my head like it wasn't a big deal and kiona, my barber, was like "no fucking way, you asshole." SIDEBAR: the salon where she works is really fucking fancy. like, let me take your coat and pour you a glass of champagne fancy. i never in life feel fatter or more cheese-scented than when i am there, surrounded by flaxen-haired pixies who wear high heels to get their hair done and pull up khloe kardashian's instagram to show the stylist their color inspiration. then here i come lurching in in my crocs and daytime pajamas and bad credit, scowling at everyone for being so fucking pretty. every time i walk in the horrified girl behind the desk is all, "sir? the homeless shelter is around the cor--" and i have to interrupt her like, "HOMEGIRL USED TO CUT MY HAIR IN HER KITCHEN, OKAY. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. MAKE ME A KEURIG." anyway, kiki washed my hair with this kerastase bain exfoliant hydratant and it hooked my shit right on up. it smells luxurious and has little microbeads that whisper to your dandruff in french or whatever and i shame-purchased 6 ounces of this shit for 39 motherfucking dollars because i didn't want the dude charging me out to think i was poor. what an idiot.

you know i loves me a leave-in, and my faves right now are: oyin hair dew, mixed chicks leave-in conditioner, and paul mitchell the conditioner. i had a giant mohawk a couple months ago, then i had kiona give me a little baby one, and to define my curls i used eco styler styling gel (the clear one!) or proclaim professional care curl activator gel (i buy it at sally's for, like, three bucks). i've been natural for 19 years or so and i still have no fucking idea what my official hair type is. 3c? maybe 4b!? it grows out in spiral curls and is relatively easy to manage, and gel activators have long been my secret weapon in the fight against dry-ass dusty curls. i've tried carol's daughter hair milk and miss jessie's jelly soft curls and i keep coming back to inexpensive beauty supply activators because i like shiny, defined hair that doesn't look like a tumbleweed halfway through the goddamn workday. when my hair is short i just use a little pomade like aveda brilliant or moisturizing cream like lush r&b with a wave brush (YES, I AM YOUR DAD) or rub a little coconut oil on my head after i'm done greasing up my body.

i was at merz apothecary last weekend after independent bookstore day and holy shit does that place drive me fucking nuts. BUT they have so much jam stuff like diptyque candles and marvis toothpaste that it's worth having a complete panicky meltdown to get at all that goodness. you have to be strategic, tho. here's how it usually works for me: attack the candle section first because it's so tiny; snatch up everything i like on the right side counter while trying to avoid everyone congregated in the middle section; begin hyperventilating because i've already been accidentally groped nine times and i've only been in there three motherfucking minutes; fight my way to the register to pay, +/- frustration tears; distressed squeezing through people to get to the front door while gazing longingly at the counter on the left that i never have the stamina to get to. this is why i'm on fucking klonopin. anyway, i'm always in the market for new ways to clean my stinky vagina, and i found this glorious nivea intimo natural feminine waschlotion and a packet of intimo natural fresh intimpflege-tuecher which is german for "sweet smelling disposable pussy wipes." boy do i love a squeaky clean booty in the springtime!

my crohn's has been relatively mellow lately? but before you throw me a parade, last week i had fiery torrents of diarrhea shooting out of me and that reminded me of my year round favorite: a healthy squirt of desitin multi-purpose ointment applied liberally to a chapped, sore butthole. it feels like a miracle, not kidding. and speaking of products made for cutie pie little guys that you can repurpose for your own disgusting adultbody use, johnson's baby oil shea and cocoa butter formula is still a goddamn champ. it smells v v nice and leaves your skin so silky and soft, plus you know it's safe for black people, because it has a brown cap! THANKS, OBAMA.

roots. i gotta get a pedicure, man. except i read that piece in the new york times about nail technicians sleeping in makeshift barracks and earning $10/day to clip snotty girls' cuticles so yeah i'm never doing that ever again. i don't know, i didn't think they had 401k's or whatever but goddamn that's some ruthless shit. three months of no pay only to make less than minimum wage when you finally do collect a check!? um, nawl. so i'ma keep using that amope pedi perfect i bought during the winter to grind the calluses off my heels and slathering shea butter from the african shop on my block on these dogs at night before i roll my compression stockings on. i get too fucking impatient to paint my damn nails, but if i do it'll be with one of these: deborah lippmann in weird science and walking on sunshine; orly polishes in passion fruit, beach cruiser, and melt your popsicle; and chanel tapage and holiday. but then i just read another thing about the chemicals in nail polish and while i'm not really THAT GUY (i often fall asleep with my head on my cell phone, for fuck's sake, and i take LOT of pills) i am really dumb and will probably throw all these bitches out. probably while drinking a liter of diet coke and eating a non-kosher hot dog.

BOY DO I LOVE BODY WASH, THO. i have at least a dozen, in varying states of used up-ness. my drugstore move is dove pistachio cream and magnolia which, if i'm being totally transparent, i bought because i thought it sounded like a most delicious pastry. when i'm sluggish in the morning i use bliss soapy suds in lemon+sage because it wakes my ass up for real for real. my homie akilah's shop kissed by a bee organics makes a banging head-to-toe wash that is perfect for lazy motherfuckers who can't be bothered to reach for more than one bottle (efficiency is sexy). and i just got this l'occitane almond shower oil that is just so goddamn good. and don't worry, i took one for the team and asked the saleslady at the mall if i was going to bust my fucking teeth out using an oil-based product in a wet bathtub, and she assured me that it turns into soap as soon as you squeeze it on your brightly-colored mesh thingy. i haven't broken my nose yet. go get you some, it's amazing.

dirt, bugs, etc. i have been spending a lot of time sitting at my desk staring at my computer and calling it "working on my book," and a bitch likes to create a little ambiance while writing these stupid butt jokes. it makes me feel real classy and stuff. i bought a sony iphone/ipod speaker dock because i have this 2nd generation ipod with a fucked up headphone jack and now i finally have access to all my 2007 jams! i like to burn candles while i work, and i'm obsessed with the tobacco barn scent from the southern firefly candle company. mavis found it at a little gourmet grocery in nashville and i already burned through the whole thing and had to order another. i'm also really into archipelago botanicals stonehenge candle, which makes my crib smell like a sexy old black dude. yes, that is a good thing. [insert uncle denzel meme]

click here for my spring jam mix, you gorgeous thing.